i miss crack so...
Title: Otoko Mae!
Author: nami
Genre: Crack. And stupid.
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Kanjani8, with brief mentions of some KAT-TUN and NewS members
Summary: Shaving body hair is a serious issue, and Ryo realizes it all too well.
Notes: Credits to my sister lady_androgene, who suggested the idea.
The anecdotes on what spurned me to write this fic:
----------
Yoko is bored. “Let’s play a game, Dokkun,” he tells Ryo, who is poring over a Playboy issue with Leah Dizon on the cover.
“I’m busy,” Ryo answers irritably, but after being subjected to repeated poking he reluctantly closes the magazine and turns to Yoko in resignation. “Stop it. I’ll play, okay? What are we going to do?”
Now that he has Ryo’s undivided attention, Yoko beams and looks around the room. He spots a deck of cards on the table and snatches it up. “Bridge!” he says enthusiastically, already beginning to shuffle and reshuffle the cards.
“Only loony old women play that, and it’s boring,” Ryo automatically replies. He sucks ass at bridge.
“We can make it more interesting,” Yoko reasons. “The loser has to do anything the winner wants.” There is a strange glint in his eye that instantly alerts Ryo’s suspicions.
“What kind of things?” Ryo demands. “And we should limit it to just one command,” he adds, to be safe.
Yoko nods. “That’s fine. And don’t worry, whoever wins isn’t allowed to ask for anything too extreme, like making the loser eat bugs or pay up five million yen or run around the studio naked,” he reassures.
Ryo’s eyes are still narrowed, but after a moment of reviewing the terms and seeing nothing wrong with them, he agrees. Besides, it isn’t like Yoko is much better than him at playing anyway. “Okay.”
Yoko smiles and starts dealing the cards.
----------
“NO,” Ryo says.
“But you lost,” Yoko points out, a triumphant smirk on his face.
Ryo’s complexion goes from sheet-pale to red to a strange mixture of the two as he vehemently protests, “You said nothing extreme!”
“It’s just underarm hair,” Yoko says with a straight face. “It’ll grow back.”
“I don’t want to!” Ryo crosses his arms over his chest and glares at Yoko.
Five minutes later Yoko successfully drags a screaming Ryo into one of the more posh bathrooms in the studio.
“A real man keeps his word,” Yoko says gleefully, after Ryo once again complains that men don’t shave their underarms. Yoko rummages through his bag and extracts a razor from its depths, forcing Ryo to take it. “I needed to buy a new one, anyway,” he adds as he presses a small can of shaving cream into Ryo’s other hand.
“I am not shaving my underarms!” Ryo shrieks. Funny how his screams could get as high-pitched as Yasu’s when he is aggravated.
Yoko shrugs. “Okay,” he says indifferently, taking out his mobile phone and dialing a number.
Ryo stops flailing his arms. “Eh?”
Yoko ignores him as the person on the other end picks up. “Hello? Yes, this is Yokoyama. Could you please buy me a waxing kit? I need it as soon as possible.” A pause. “No, it’s not for me, it’s for Ni-”
“Stop, stop!” Ryo yells, snatching the phone from him and terminating the call.
Yoko smiles pleasantly and extends his arm; Ryo glowers as he drops the phone into Yoko’s palm. “So I guess you’re shaving, then?” Yoko clarifies smugly, tucking his phone away and staring pointedly at Ryo’s reflection in the mirror.
Ryo curses as he runs the razor under the tap.
----------
“Aren’t you cold, Ryo?” Yasu asks. It is fifteen degrees in the lounge room, and he is baffled as to how Ryo could stand the freezing temperature, sitting there in a sleeveless top. Yasu tugs his jacket closer around himself.
“Why is the air conditioner turned up so high?” Ryo bitches to no one in particular. He should have known that Yoko would hide all his t-shirts and jackets while he was locked in the bathroom.
Yoko looks up from his DS Lite. “You can adjust the temperature if you want to,” he suggests, smiling evilly as he points at the AC controls high up on the opposite wall.
Ryo scowls darkly and crosses his arms. “Ohkura! Turn up the heater!” he orders.
“Why don’t you do it yourself?” Ohkura complains, but he stands up from his armchair anyway.
----------
During lunch, Ryo is having a hard time eating as he attempts to lift his food into his mouth while his upper arms remain firmly stuck to his sides.
Hina shoots him a worried look. “What’s wrong, Ryo?” he asks concernedly. “Do you have a cramp in your biceps?”
Ryo stops struggling with his bowl of soba noodles. “Yeah. I must’ve pulled a couple of muscles,” he replies, touching his arm and wincing for emphasis.
On the other side of the table, Yoko suppresses a snicker as he gobbles up Ryo’s share of sashimi, which is conveniently placed on a spot that requires Ryo to stretch his arms in order to reach.
----------
Ryo’s mobile phone rings, and he lifts it up to his ear with difficulty, as if it is way too heavy. “What do you want?”
“You really shaved your underarms?” Uchi asks, and when Ryo fails to reply in the next two seconds Uchi bursts out laughing. “HAHAHAHAHA. Oh god, HAHAHAHA-”
“Shut up, Uchi,” Ryo mutters, glancing around wildly to check if anyone is within eavesdropping distance. “Yokoyama-kun’s a traitor! He swore he wouldn’t tell anyone!” he whines over Uchi’s high-pitched giggles.
When Uchi’s laughter subsides, he cheerfully says, “He said you wouldn’t mind if I knew.”
“Don’t flatter yourself. I bet he just thinks you don’t count as ‘anyone’ because you’re an idiot,” Ryo responds meanly.
Uchi only snickers some more. “I am going to tune into Shounen Club tomorrow. You’re going to do a special medley, right?”
Ryo’s eyes widen. “FUCK.”
He hears Uchi slapping his thigh amusedly, stifling another laugh attack because the younger man knows that Ryo will bitch at him if he doesn’t. “I don’t want to wait until tomorrow, though. Could you send me a picture?” Uchi requests.
“…I’m hanging up on you now.” And Ryo does.
He rings his stylist, demanding to know what tomorrow’s costumes are going to be.
----------
The next day, three hours before the Shokura taping, Yoko is in unusually high spirits. He runs to one of the staff members walking around the rehearsal room. “Can we wear our costumes already?” he pleads.
“Someone’s excited,” Ryo pipes up sarcastically, easily executing the steps of Heavenly Psycho as he spins past Yoko in his white ‘I’m with Stupid ’ statement shirt.
“I think that’s a good idea,” Maru says, fiddling with his bass. “Last time we wore new costumes, I had a hard time moving around with my bass. If I wear mine now I can try to find a way to adjust.”
Ryo grabs Subaru’s arm, suddenly alarmed. “Wait, which costumes are we wearing?” he demands.
Subaru scratches his head. “Eto ne, we were supposed to wear our costume for Zukkoke Otokomichi during the tour, but they changed it at the last minute. I think they’re new… we’re probably going to wear them in this performance to test if they won’t fall apart or something…”
Two assistants enter the room, masses of what looked like glitter-laden polyester peppered with bits of ten other kinds of fabric in every color of the rainbow (plus black) spilling over their arms.
“Yay!” Yasu claps in delight, taking his blue costume from the stage hand and holding it up in front of him. “Does it look okay on me?” he asks them.
“It’s sleeveless,” Ryo remarks, aghast.
“If you guys want to wear it so much, the rest of us might as well, too,” Hina says sensibly.
----------
It happens while they are practicing the first part of the medley, which is taken from Kanfuu Fighting. As the chorus begins to play, Maru glances at Ryo and freezes. “OH MY GOD,” he exclaims in English. Ohkura trips over Maru’s guitar chord and knocks into Yasu, who knocks into Yoko, who knocks into Subaru, who flails his arms valiantly before falling to the floor with the three other members piled on top of him.
“Ittettettettettettette,” Subaru gasps from under the heap. “ITAI!” he shouts when Hina tsukkomi’s him. “I’m the victim here!”
So Hina bops Ohkura, Yasu and Yoko over the head as well. “What’s wrong? Why did you guys stop?”
The most horrific expression is on Maru’s face as he jabs his index finger in Ryo’s direction. “Ryo-chan-Ryo-chan-”
And Hina whacks him on the head too, because he can. He glances at Ryo, who is crouching on the floor, hugging his knees, and then back at Maru, who is now jumping up and down while pointing at Ryo. “You did something to Ryo?” he misinterprets.
Yoko picks himself up and grabs Ryo by the upper arm, dragging him upright. Ryo tries to wriggle free but Yoko gets behind him and holds onto Ryo’s other arm as well. And then he tugs hard, upward.
There is a blessed moment of complete silence before the five other members erupt into howls of laughter.
“Ryo-chan…you…” Ohkura snickers as he sits Indian-style on the floor, thumping on the tiles with his fists.
“What-the-hell,” Hina guffaws, slapping his thighs and wiping the tears of laughter forming in his eyes.
“Oh my god! Oh my god!” Maru keeps saying, doing a good impression of a hyperventilating person.
“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~” On the floor, Yasu refuses to get up as he rolls from side to side in fits of giggles.
Subaru waddles forward and pokes Ryo’s clean-shaven underarm with his index finger. “Suge~! It’s so smooth! Amazing, amazing! Does it feel ticklish?”
Ryo wrenches out of Yoko’s grip and slaps Subaru’s probing hand away. “IT’S ALL HIS FAULT!” he screams, cheeks burning as he points accusingly at Yoko, who has joined the others in laughing hysterically. He is overcome with the sudden urge to throttle all his bandmates before allowing the earth to swallow him whole. The bastards.
“Senpai! You’re up next!” a Junior pops his head into the room nervously, wondering why they are all laughing. He takes one glance at Ryo and the murderous aura surrounding him before scampering back out the door.
----------
After Kanjani8’s performance, the Juniors keep tripping over their own shoes while attempting to dance their routine properly, Koyama and Nakamaru are rendered speechless, and six of the Kanjani8 members succumb to a complete loss of composure as they all roll around on the floor, laughing and wheezing and gasping for breath.
Ryo crouches in a corner of the stage, wishing for death-to take himself or the rest of the people in the hall, he still couldn’t quite decide. The number of decibels reached by fangirl screams in the NHK Hall that day is unprecedented.
Ratings for that particular Shounen Club episode, when it is aired, reportedly skyrocket.
----------
“WHAT?” Ohkura yells, his eyes bugging out. “You’re kidding.”
“No,” Ryo says, smirk wide and smug as he waves the memo in front of his bandmates’ faces. “Johnny instructed all of us to get rid of exposed body hair. He says it’ll be for the betterment of the Jimusho.”
“Why??” Yoko groans, collapsing into a chair with a horrified look on his face.
“Good job, Yoko,” Hina comments, all sarcasm. Beside him, Subaru nods vehemently.
Yasu is the only one who doesn’t look remotely devastated. “If we have to do it, can we use laser hair removal on our legs?”
“Eh?? You can use lasers to remove hair now?” Maru repeats in wonder.
Ohkura, Hina and Subaru glare collectively at Yoko.
“Even the other groups were ordered to do it,” Ryo informs them as he happily pins the memo onto the cork board.
----------
“No way,” Jin says in disbelief. “This is all Ryo’s fault! If he hadn’t lost that stupid card game then none of us would have to go through with this!”
“I don’t think it’ll be so bad.” Kame passes the memo to Ueda, who looks appropriately appalled.
Jin snorts. “Easy for you to say, Kame. At least you look like a girl.”
Kame opens his mouth to retort, but Ueda is faster than him. “They can’t be serious,” he groans.
Jin rounds on Ueda. “What are you talking about? You’re just as pretty as he is!”
He is rewarded with twin glares from Kame and Ueda. Feeling that twin bitch slaps would also be in order, he starts backing towards the door.
And promptly collides with Yamapi.
“Yo Jin! Did you hear? We’re supposed to shave our legs and underarms!” Yamapi bends down and raises one pant leg, revealing smooth, hair-free skin. “I tried to see for myself how it’ll look, since we have to do it anyway. Sick, huh?”
Ueda stares at Yamapi’s leg, horrified. “See? It’s okay with Pi, too, ‘cause he’s got boobs,” Jin explains to him with the air of a grown-up trying to get a moral lesson across to a very stubborn child.
Tegoshi appears in the doorway behind Yamapi, teary-eyed. “Yamapi, I accidentally cut my leg,” he sniffles, pointing at a bleeding spot on his now-hairless calf.
Yamapi immediately turns to him in concern. “Eh?? Didn’t Koyama keep an eye on you? Don’t try to do something new like this by yourself, Tegoshi; you’ve barely even begun shaving off facial hair because you still don’t have any,” he scolds. He gently pushes Tegoshi towards Kame. “Here, Kame, you treat his wound.”
“Me?” Kame asks in surprise. Ueda recoils slightly as if afraid that Tegoshi’s legs will explode. When Tegoshi stares pitifully at him, he sighs and crosses the room to get the first-aid kit in Koki’s bag, tossing it at Kame.
Jin sighs. “I am going to go find another man who, with the nature of being a man, has a valid reason not to have all his body hair removed,” he announces pivoting around in the doorway. “See you girls later.”
----------
A month and a half later, the PV for Kanjani8’s latest single is aired nationally, and all the music critics cannot stop raving about the members’ flawless legs, never mind the fact that the said video has little to do with the lyrics of the actual song they are promoting.
Kanjani8’s marketing team is thrilled; they give themselves mental pats on the back. “Hairless legs are good for business!” they proclaim as they make a toast to imminent and substantial cash flow in the weeks to come. It is a good thing for them that Yokoyama Yu, who started everything, is adamantly refusing to be held responsible for the Jimusho’s latest success. All the more reason for them to boast of their unparalleled genius.
It’s My Soul tops the Oricon Singles Chart on its first week of release with 194,000 copies sold.
Author: nami
Genre: Crack. And stupid.
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Kanjani8, with brief mentions of some KAT-TUN and NewS members
Summary: Shaving body hair is a serious issue, and Ryo realizes it all too well.
Notes: Credits to my sister lady_androgene, who suggested the idea.
The anecdotes on what spurned me to write this fic:
- So I am watching the encore part of the Spirits! DVD again and my brother walks into the room and sits on the sofa, looking bored. “You’re watching gayness again, I see,” he says. “Uh-huh,” I reply absentmindedly. He stares at the screen where Kanjani8 is running around the Osaka-Jo Hall lip-synching Sukiyanen, Osaka. He jumps up with a start when they reach the “Honde motte sonde” part. “What the hell? They don’t shave their underarms!!!” he exclaims, sounding thoroughly disturbed. “…yeah? Why should they?” “That’s so gross!” “What, you don’t shave, do you?” He sniffs in offense. “I don’t look like a girl.” He stares at the screen again. “Ugh, that is so wrong…”
- pam: OMG the short shorts are creepy
pam: yoko's legs @.@
nami: are AWESOME
nami: IT'S SO UNFAIR WHY WHY WHY HE'S A GUY DAMMIT
pam: nice legs
nami: but it's all in the pv anyway
nami: when you watch it
nami: you be the judge
nami: DID THEY SHAVE THEIR LEGS OR NOT?? DDD:
nami: ...because
nami: no matter how much i dilate my pupils
nami: I DON'T SEE THE LEG HAIR
nami: ...why?
pam: they have their legs WAXED, my friend
nami: oh, WAXED. oh yeah.
nami: *is obviously not as knowledgeable about hair (lol hair) care as the JE boys* - “I want to write crack,” I complain to my sister, “Give me a crack prompt.” My sister looks thoughtful. “But I don’t know anything about JE.” “Your f-list is full of JE fans,” I point out. “All of them like KAT-TUN,” she replies, “…Ryo is cute, though.” “I want to write Kanjani8 crackfic,” I tell her. “Do I look like I know anything about them, either?” she asks. “Crack is crack in whatever fandom,” I answer matter-of-factly. She sighs and glances at the priest (because we were attending Mass then, haha) before turning back to me. “Write about Ryo losing a dare and being forced to shave his underarms.” “What?” “You asked for crack, didn’t you?” “You were so confident when you told me Ryo couldn’t possibly be gay,” I say. “So? This is great fic material. You could even make Uchi share his pain.” “I am impressed that you know Uchi, too.” “They are all gay. Will this suffice?” “…okay.”
----------
Yoko is bored. “Let’s play a game, Dokkun,” he tells Ryo, who is poring over a Playboy issue with Leah Dizon on the cover.
“I’m busy,” Ryo answers irritably, but after being subjected to repeated poking he reluctantly closes the magazine and turns to Yoko in resignation. “Stop it. I’ll play, okay? What are we going to do?”
Now that he has Ryo’s undivided attention, Yoko beams and looks around the room. He spots a deck of cards on the table and snatches it up. “Bridge!” he says enthusiastically, already beginning to shuffle and reshuffle the cards.
“Only loony old women play that, and it’s boring,” Ryo automatically replies. He sucks ass at bridge.
“We can make it more interesting,” Yoko reasons. “The loser has to do anything the winner wants.” There is a strange glint in his eye that instantly alerts Ryo’s suspicions.
“What kind of things?” Ryo demands. “And we should limit it to just one command,” he adds, to be safe.
Yoko nods. “That’s fine. And don’t worry, whoever wins isn’t allowed to ask for anything too extreme, like making the loser eat bugs or pay up five million yen or run around the studio naked,” he reassures.
Ryo’s eyes are still narrowed, but after a moment of reviewing the terms and seeing nothing wrong with them, he agrees. Besides, it isn’t like Yoko is much better than him at playing anyway. “Okay.”
Yoko smiles and starts dealing the cards.
----------
“NO,” Ryo says.
“But you lost,” Yoko points out, a triumphant smirk on his face.
Ryo’s complexion goes from sheet-pale to red to a strange mixture of the two as he vehemently protests, “You said nothing extreme!”
“It’s just underarm hair,” Yoko says with a straight face. “It’ll grow back.”
“I don’t want to!” Ryo crosses his arms over his chest and glares at Yoko.
Five minutes later Yoko successfully drags a screaming Ryo into one of the more posh bathrooms in the studio.
“A real man keeps his word,” Yoko says gleefully, after Ryo once again complains that men don’t shave their underarms. Yoko rummages through his bag and extracts a razor from its depths, forcing Ryo to take it. “I needed to buy a new one, anyway,” he adds as he presses a small can of shaving cream into Ryo’s other hand.
“I am not shaving my underarms!” Ryo shrieks. Funny how his screams could get as high-pitched as Yasu’s when he is aggravated.
Yoko shrugs. “Okay,” he says indifferently, taking out his mobile phone and dialing a number.
Ryo stops flailing his arms. “Eh?”
Yoko ignores him as the person on the other end picks up. “Hello? Yes, this is Yokoyama. Could you please buy me a waxing kit? I need it as soon as possible.” A pause. “No, it’s not for me, it’s for Ni-”
“Stop, stop!” Ryo yells, snatching the phone from him and terminating the call.
Yoko smiles pleasantly and extends his arm; Ryo glowers as he drops the phone into Yoko’s palm. “So I guess you’re shaving, then?” Yoko clarifies smugly, tucking his phone away and staring pointedly at Ryo’s reflection in the mirror.
Ryo curses as he runs the razor under the tap.
----------
“Aren’t you cold, Ryo?” Yasu asks. It is fifteen degrees in the lounge room, and he is baffled as to how Ryo could stand the freezing temperature, sitting there in a sleeveless top. Yasu tugs his jacket closer around himself.
“Why is the air conditioner turned up so high?” Ryo bitches to no one in particular. He should have known that Yoko would hide all his t-shirts and jackets while he was locked in the bathroom.
Yoko looks up from his DS Lite. “You can adjust the temperature if you want to,” he suggests, smiling evilly as he points at the AC controls high up on the opposite wall.
Ryo scowls darkly and crosses his arms. “Ohkura! Turn up the heater!” he orders.
“Why don’t you do it yourself?” Ohkura complains, but he stands up from his armchair anyway.
----------
During lunch, Ryo is having a hard time eating as he attempts to lift his food into his mouth while his upper arms remain firmly stuck to his sides.
Hina shoots him a worried look. “What’s wrong, Ryo?” he asks concernedly. “Do you have a cramp in your biceps?”
Ryo stops struggling with his bowl of soba noodles. “Yeah. I must’ve pulled a couple of muscles,” he replies, touching his arm and wincing for emphasis.
On the other side of the table, Yoko suppresses a snicker as he gobbles up Ryo’s share of sashimi, which is conveniently placed on a spot that requires Ryo to stretch his arms in order to reach.
----------
Ryo’s mobile phone rings, and he lifts it up to his ear with difficulty, as if it is way too heavy. “What do you want?”
“You really shaved your underarms?” Uchi asks, and when Ryo fails to reply in the next two seconds Uchi bursts out laughing. “HAHAHAHAHA. Oh god, HAHAHAHA-”
“Shut up, Uchi,” Ryo mutters, glancing around wildly to check if anyone is within eavesdropping distance. “Yokoyama-kun’s a traitor! He swore he wouldn’t tell anyone!” he whines over Uchi’s high-pitched giggles.
When Uchi’s laughter subsides, he cheerfully says, “He said you wouldn’t mind if I knew.”
“Don’t flatter yourself. I bet he just thinks you don’t count as ‘anyone’ because you’re an idiot,” Ryo responds meanly.
Uchi only snickers some more. “I am going to tune into Shounen Club tomorrow. You’re going to do a special medley, right?”
Ryo’s eyes widen. “FUCK.”
He hears Uchi slapping his thigh amusedly, stifling another laugh attack because the younger man knows that Ryo will bitch at him if he doesn’t. “I don’t want to wait until tomorrow, though. Could you send me a picture?” Uchi requests.
“…I’m hanging up on you now.” And Ryo does.
He rings his stylist, demanding to know what tomorrow’s costumes are going to be.
----------
The next day, three hours before the Shokura taping, Yoko is in unusually high spirits. He runs to one of the staff members walking around the rehearsal room. “Can we wear our costumes already?” he pleads.
“Someone’s excited,” Ryo pipes up sarcastically, easily executing the steps of Heavenly Psycho as he spins past Yoko in his white ‘I’m with Stupid ’ statement shirt.
“I think that’s a good idea,” Maru says, fiddling with his bass. “Last time we wore new costumes, I had a hard time moving around with my bass. If I wear mine now I can try to find a way to adjust.”
Ryo grabs Subaru’s arm, suddenly alarmed. “Wait, which costumes are we wearing?” he demands.
Subaru scratches his head. “Eto ne, we were supposed to wear our costume for Zukkoke Otokomichi during the tour, but they changed it at the last minute. I think they’re new… we’re probably going to wear them in this performance to test if they won’t fall apart or something…”
Two assistants enter the room, masses of what looked like glitter-laden polyester peppered with bits of ten other kinds of fabric in every color of the rainbow (plus black) spilling over their arms.
“Yay!” Yasu claps in delight, taking his blue costume from the stage hand and holding it up in front of him. “Does it look okay on me?” he asks them.
“It’s sleeveless,” Ryo remarks, aghast.
“If you guys want to wear it so much, the rest of us might as well, too,” Hina says sensibly.
----------
It happens while they are practicing the first part of the medley, which is taken from Kanfuu Fighting. As the chorus begins to play, Maru glances at Ryo and freezes. “OH MY GOD,” he exclaims in English. Ohkura trips over Maru’s guitar chord and knocks into Yasu, who knocks into Yoko, who knocks into Subaru, who flails his arms valiantly before falling to the floor with the three other members piled on top of him.
“Ittettettettettettette,” Subaru gasps from under the heap. “ITAI!” he shouts when Hina tsukkomi’s him. “I’m the victim here!”
So Hina bops Ohkura, Yasu and Yoko over the head as well. “What’s wrong? Why did you guys stop?”
The most horrific expression is on Maru’s face as he jabs his index finger in Ryo’s direction. “Ryo-chan-Ryo-chan-”
And Hina whacks him on the head too, because he can. He glances at Ryo, who is crouching on the floor, hugging his knees, and then back at Maru, who is now jumping up and down while pointing at Ryo. “You did something to Ryo?” he misinterprets.
Yoko picks himself up and grabs Ryo by the upper arm, dragging him upright. Ryo tries to wriggle free but Yoko gets behind him and holds onto Ryo’s other arm as well. And then he tugs hard, upward.
There is a blessed moment of complete silence before the five other members erupt into howls of laughter.
“Ryo-chan…you…” Ohkura snickers as he sits Indian-style on the floor, thumping on the tiles with his fists.
“What-the-hell,” Hina guffaws, slapping his thighs and wiping the tears of laughter forming in his eyes.
“Oh my god! Oh my god!” Maru keeps saying, doing a good impression of a hyperventilating person.
“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~” On the floor, Yasu refuses to get up as he rolls from side to side in fits of giggles.
Subaru waddles forward and pokes Ryo’s clean-shaven underarm with his index finger. “Suge~! It’s so smooth! Amazing, amazing! Does it feel ticklish?”
Ryo wrenches out of Yoko’s grip and slaps Subaru’s probing hand away. “IT’S ALL HIS FAULT!” he screams, cheeks burning as he points accusingly at Yoko, who has joined the others in laughing hysterically. He is overcome with the sudden urge to throttle all his bandmates before allowing the earth to swallow him whole. The bastards.
“Senpai! You’re up next!” a Junior pops his head into the room nervously, wondering why they are all laughing. He takes one glance at Ryo and the murderous aura surrounding him before scampering back out the door.
----------
After Kanjani8’s performance, the Juniors keep tripping over their own shoes while attempting to dance their routine properly, Koyama and Nakamaru are rendered speechless, and six of the Kanjani8 members succumb to a complete loss of composure as they all roll around on the floor, laughing and wheezing and gasping for breath.
Ryo crouches in a corner of the stage, wishing for death-to take himself or the rest of the people in the hall, he still couldn’t quite decide. The number of decibels reached by fangirl screams in the NHK Hall that day is unprecedented.
Ratings for that particular Shounen Club episode, when it is aired, reportedly skyrocket.
----------
“WHAT?” Ohkura yells, his eyes bugging out. “You’re kidding.”
“No,” Ryo says, smirk wide and smug as he waves the memo in front of his bandmates’ faces. “Johnny instructed all of us to get rid of exposed body hair. He says it’ll be for the betterment of the Jimusho.”
“Why??” Yoko groans, collapsing into a chair with a horrified look on his face.
“Good job, Yoko,” Hina comments, all sarcasm. Beside him, Subaru nods vehemently.
Yasu is the only one who doesn’t look remotely devastated. “If we have to do it, can we use laser hair removal on our legs?”
“Eh?? You can use lasers to remove hair now?” Maru repeats in wonder.
Ohkura, Hina and Subaru glare collectively at Yoko.
“Even the other groups were ordered to do it,” Ryo informs them as he happily pins the memo onto the cork board.
----------
“No way,” Jin says in disbelief. “This is all Ryo’s fault! If he hadn’t lost that stupid card game then none of us would have to go through with this!”
“I don’t think it’ll be so bad.” Kame passes the memo to Ueda, who looks appropriately appalled.
Jin snorts. “Easy for you to say, Kame. At least you look like a girl.”
Kame opens his mouth to retort, but Ueda is faster than him. “They can’t be serious,” he groans.
Jin rounds on Ueda. “What are you talking about? You’re just as pretty as he is!”
He is rewarded with twin glares from Kame and Ueda. Feeling that twin bitch slaps would also be in order, he starts backing towards the door.
And promptly collides with Yamapi.
“Yo Jin! Did you hear? We’re supposed to shave our legs and underarms!” Yamapi bends down and raises one pant leg, revealing smooth, hair-free skin. “I tried to see for myself how it’ll look, since we have to do it anyway. Sick, huh?”
Ueda stares at Yamapi’s leg, horrified. “See? It’s okay with Pi, too, ‘cause he’s got boobs,” Jin explains to him with the air of a grown-up trying to get a moral lesson across to a very stubborn child.
Tegoshi appears in the doorway behind Yamapi, teary-eyed. “Yamapi, I accidentally cut my leg,” he sniffles, pointing at a bleeding spot on his now-hairless calf.
Yamapi immediately turns to him in concern. “Eh?? Didn’t Koyama keep an eye on you? Don’t try to do something new like this by yourself, Tegoshi; you’ve barely even begun shaving off facial hair because you still don’t have any,” he scolds. He gently pushes Tegoshi towards Kame. “Here, Kame, you treat his wound.”
“Me?” Kame asks in surprise. Ueda recoils slightly as if afraid that Tegoshi’s legs will explode. When Tegoshi stares pitifully at him, he sighs and crosses the room to get the first-aid kit in Koki’s bag, tossing it at Kame.
Jin sighs. “I am going to go find another man who, with the nature of being a man, has a valid reason not to have all his body hair removed,” he announces pivoting around in the doorway. “See you girls later.”
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A month and a half later, the PV for Kanjani8’s latest single is aired nationally, and all the music critics cannot stop raving about the members’ flawless legs, never mind the fact that the said video has little to do with the lyrics of the actual song they are promoting.
Kanjani8’s marketing team is thrilled; they give themselves mental pats on the back. “Hairless legs are good for business!” they proclaim as they make a toast to imminent and substantial cash flow in the weeks to come. It is a good thing for them that Yokoyama Yu, who started everything, is adamantly refusing to be held responsible for the Jimusho’s latest success. All the more reason for them to boast of their unparalleled genius.
It’s My Soul tops the Oricon Singles Chart on its first week of release with 194,000 copies sold.