time flies when you're overworked
Title: Miracle Worker
Author: nami
Genre: Humor
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Ryo/Ueda
Summary: Ueda is unexpectedly granted godlike powers for an afternoon. A perfect time to get even.
Notes: For lelola and gothicauthor. I no longer have a lot of free time so hitting two birds with one stone is the only way to go for me >_<
Her eyes were brimming with tears, but she was doing a pretty good job of holding them back. She forced a smile onto her face and let a nervous laugh escape her lips. “You’re just kidding, right? I know I told you to crack more jokes, but really, this is going a little too far-”
“It’s not a joke,” Ueda interrupted calmly. His tired eyes fell shut and the girl jerked forward and grabbed his hand in a panic, her skin grazing over the IV tube taped to his thin wrist. The gesture caused Ueda’s eyes to flutter open, his breathing slightly labored. Something as simple as Ueda sitting up in bed-she had always taken the little things for granted, always thought that a day would dawn when she could finally see him under the sun and not the fluorescent lights of this gloomy hospital room. Tomorrow, tomorrow, she had always said. And now he was telling her that he didn’t have even that. Not anymore.
She was crying now, and Ueda merely watched her with a passive expression. “It’s not true, it’s not true, it’s not-” She broke down into sobs, gripping his hand tightly.
Ueda glanced out the window. “We all have to go sometime,” he said. He looked back at her, smiling slightly as he reached out with his other hand to wipe the tears from her cheeks. “Hey, what’s with you? Didn’t you use to say that tough girls don’t cry?”
She choked back another sob and gazed at him. He was so pale, so frail and delicate, and yet his eyes shone with a strength so compelling that she found herself loosening her grasp and blinking back tears. Did he cry when he found out? She had a feeling that he didn’t. “Ever since we were little,” she struggled to say, “I had always been the one to protect you, because I thought you were too weak to do it yourself, and I was so scared that you would get hurt.” She took his hand in hers again, holding it carefully as if it would shatter any second now. “All those years, I thought that. But I was wrong. You’re so much stronger than me, stronger than I ever will be…” Her voice cracked and a single tear spilled down her face. She hastily wiped it away before Ueda could, smiling painfully as she did so. It was the best she could do, but she knew Ueda understood.
For his sake, she would be strong.
“AND…CUT!”
The director clapped his hands twice. Ueda disentangled his fingers from the girl’s, cautiously peeling off the tape from his wrist as he half-listened to the director’s voice shouting orders to the random people scattered about the set.
“-extras for episode three scene five, stay behind for a briefing on the next shooting. Ueda, Amamiya, I want you two to have all your lines for the fourth episode memorized by next week, got it? That’s all for today. Good job, everyone!”
Ueda slid off the bed and sighed, relieved that he could finally take off his scratchy hospital gown. He glanced in the director’s direction, noticing a brunette whose back was turned-the profile was oddly familiar…
The girl touched him lightly on the shoulder and he turned his head, startled. “Ueda-kun, some of us are going for brunch, you wanna come?”
“Um, thanks, but I have an errand to run. Maybe next time.” He distractedly looked back at the unknown person, but a group of men from the lighting crew shuffled past and blocked his view.
“I’ll hold you to that,” Amamiya replied with a laugh.
Ueda craned his neck, but when the group left there was no one standing at that spot. He shrugged, waved goodbye to Amamiya and headed back to the dressing rooms.
-----
“I’m sorry, sir, but you are not allowed to enter this part of the building.”
Ryo glared at the hulking security guard blocking his way into the narrow corridor. “Do you know who you’re talking to?” he demanded, flipping his brown hair back.
The guard didn’t even flinch. “Of course. Someone who isn’t part of either the cast or the crew,” he replied, tapping the sign next to him with his old-fashioned police club, “And obviously doesn’t know how to read.” The sign clearly stated ‘Authorized Persons Only’ in big block letters.
The scowl on Ryo’s face deepened. “I’m Nishikido Ryo!” he declared with all the humility of a pompous politician.
“I couldn’t care less who you are,” the guard said pleasantly. “I know the face and name of every individual who’s been granted access beyond this point and you certainly aren’t one of them. Tough luck, kid, but if you want to stalk one of the actresses in this place you ought to do something a little more creative than that.”
Ryo was starting to get seriously pissed off. “I’m not here to stalk some whiny, high-maintenance drama queen, if anything, I’m the one who always gets stalked by fans-”
“Well then, Nishikido-san, I’m sure your life must be hard, but I don’t see why you would want to go through the trouble of hiding here, of all places, because your case would then fall under the terms of ’breaking and entering’,” the guard interrupted exasperatedly.
Ryo glowered at him. “Are you mocking me? You think I’m just making this up?”
The guard calmly pushed a button on his flashy walkie-talkie. “Please leave before I am forced to resort to physical means to remove you from this area.”
Oh, so now he was threatening violence. The nerve of this jerk. “Look, I don’t care if you’re a troll who’s been living under a rock all these years-you obviously don’t recognize fame when you see it. If you weren’t such an ignorant loser you would know that I deserve VIP status in this miserable little hole you’re guarding over so diligently,” Ryo shot at him furiously, pushing his way past the uniformed man.
He was grabbed firmly by the forearm. “This is your last warning-”
“What the hell do you think you’re doing? Let go of me this instant!” Ryo griped, vainly attempting to wriggle his arm free.
The guard sighed, effortlessly keeping Ryo in a vice-like grip as his other hand brought his walkie-talkie to his ear. “Miura here. I need a little help. Some crazy stalker refuses to leave floor 2A-”
“Who are you calling a stalker! Fuck you! Let me go!” Ryo shrieked, incensed.
“…and bring in at least two guys for this lunatic,” the guard added as an afterthought.
Ryo tugged at the burly man’s wrist to no avail. “I hope you enjoyed your meager salary, because I swear I’ll have your last paycheck arranged for you,” he snarled.
“Easy, kid. You’ll be quietly escorted out of the building-make a fool of yourself and we’re going to have to throw you out-”
“Nishikido?”
Ryo stopped flailing and the guard looked over his shoulder to see a casually-clothed Ueda Tatsuya looking at them quizzically. Ryo took advantage of the guard’s distraction, pulling his arm free and swearing not-so-quietly under his breath.
Ueda raised an eyebrow at the slight bruises on Ryo’s arm but didn’t comment. “What are you doing here?”
“You know this person, Ueda-san?” the guard asked, in a much more polite tone than he had used on Ryo, surely. Bloody ass-kisser.
Ueda simply stared as two more security guards rushed towards them, both eyeing Ryo suspiciously. Ryo instinctively lunged to Ueda’s side and a smirk started to form on Ueda’s face as he put two and two together.
“Of course he knows me, I’m his senior,” Ryo snapped rudely.
“I’m a year older than you,” Ueda corrected.
“I debuted before you did,” Ryo shot back. “Twice,” he added smugly.
One of the newly-arrived guards scratched his head. “Should we take this guy away now?”
Ryo glared at him before whirling at Ueda. “Well, don’t just stand there, tell them I have every right to be here!”
“But you don’t,” Ueda remarked honestly, looking amused as one of the guards held Ryo by the upper arm. Ryo slapped the guard’s hand away.
“Ueda, I am warning you,” Ryo hissed.
Ueda cocked his head to the side, smiling slightly. He allowed the guards to start dragging a kicking and screaming Ryo away before calling them back. “It’s okay, he’s with me,” he lied, a tinge of laughter in his voice. He nodded reassuringly at the guards and walked past them. Ryo broke free from his captors’ clutches, making sure to insult all their dead ancestors before following furiously at Ueda’s heels.
“Well, it was about bloody time,” Ryo seethed. “God, you are so slow-”
“Is that any way to thank the person who saved you from imminent humiliation?” Ueda asked, calmly putting on his sunglasses.
Ryo sputtered. “It was nothing like that!”
“You were screaming hysterically and about to be booted out for unauthorized entry in the most ungainly of fashions,” Ueda pointed out.
“I was half-through convincing them before you showed up,” Ryo said stubbornly.
Ueda rolled his eyes, stopping when they passed through the building’s front entrance. “I think I’m up for a cup of ridiculously expensive coffee. Thank you for offering to pay, it’s really so kind of you,” he said with a smirk.
Ryo cursed in reply.
-----
His coffee was jet-black. No milk, no cream, no sugar, no nothing. Ryo stared.
“What?” Ueda said irritably as he stirred the contents of his mug.
“Nothing,” Ryo replied. “I just thought you were the type who liked your coffee with lots of whipped cream and chocolate syrup-you know, those frappucino things that have next to no caffeine in them.”
“Why would you think that?” Ueda asked for the sake of conversation, although he knew he was going to regret listening to the answer.
Ryo shrugged. “Well, I’ve always associated frothy, sugary café drinks with the effeminate-”
Ueda threw his stirrer at Ryo, who yelped. The older man ignored Ryo’s hysterical screeches (“You bastard, you could have scalded me!”) and decided to change the subject. “So. You still haven’t answered my question. What were you doing on my drama set?” He leaned back on his cushiony chair, smugly anticipating the brilliant excuse Ryo was going to come up with this time.
“Just because some producer went temporarily blind and unwisely chose a completely sucky and inexperienced greenhorn like you to star in his drama doesn’t give you the right to claim the set as your own,” Ryo said snootily.
“Changing the subject, are we?” Ueda replied, unfazed.
Ryo rolled his eyes. “Fine, you got me. I’ve been madly in love with you for the past few weeks and I just couldn’t bear another second of not being able to see your girly face, so I walked down the block from my photo shoot venue to confess to you,” he said sarcastically. “What did you think?”
Ueda kicked his shin under the table and Ryo glowered as Ueda took a long drag from his mug. “That would be the stuff of nightmares,” he remarked in distaste. “Why can’t you admit that you just went there to make fun of me?”
“How callous. You’re totally aware of my feelings and yet you have no faith in me? Ueda, that’s just heartbreaking,” Ryo answered, wholly amused with his impromptu roleplay. “Why, I rushed to your set as soon as my break started and got there in time to witness that touching scene with the crying leading lady-was that the fifteenth retake? The director looked a little pissed- and I must say, princess, watching you enact the role of a terminally ill person was the highlight of my day-”
Ueda’s left eyebrow twitched and he drained his mug, inwardly trying to remember why he had forced Ryo to treat him to a cup of coffee in the first place.
“-and then just by watching you act, I came to an epiphany. You most definitely have a crush on me.”
Some of Ueda’s coffee went down the wrong pipe. “Excuse me?” he managed to cough out with a matching glare.
Ryo ploughed on, supremely unconcerned with Ueda’s sudden show of asphyxiation. “Really, Ueda, I know I told you to go die when I ran into you a couple of weeks ago, but you didn’t have to take it almost literally.”
“You have-cough-some nerve,” Ueda hacked, a faint flush appearing on his pale cheeks as his irritation started to get the better of him.
“There’s no need to hide it. Denial can only take you so far,” Ryo said.
“I-you-God, you are so full of yourself!” Ueda sputtered.
Ryo inspected his fingernails. “Yeah, yeah. You might want to change escape tactics; the novelty of hearing you spew out half-assed insults is wearing off fast. And not that I’m trying to put you on the spot or anything, but all the blood rushing to your face is a dead giveaway.”
Ueda abruptly stood up, red with anger and exasperation. “I just remembered that I have something to do,” he said curtly, slinging his bag onto his shoulder and stalking off without so much as a goodbye.
“Don’t you want another coffee?” Ryo called out to spite him. Ueda didn’t glance back, refusing to rise to the bait. Ryo shrugged and sipped self-satisfactorily at his drink. That was a lot easier than he thought.
Item number twenty-four: Piss off Ueda. Just one last thing left on his to-do list before he could go home and consider the day well-spent.
Ryo strolled up to the counter and paid the bill, checking his watch and heading back to his photo session for the final set.
-----
“Did you lock the door to our dressing room already?” Ueda asked while frantically rifling through the contents of his bag.
Jin shrugged. “Nakamaru was the last to leave. He was muttering something about being late for a shooting, though, so I guess he was too much in a rush to remember locking up.”
Ueda sighed when his drama script didn’t magically appear in one of his bag’s many compartments. He sprinted off, hoping that it would simply be lying in plain sight in the dressing room when he got there.
“What about lunch?” Jin called out behind him.
“I’ll catch up to you later!” Ueda shouted in reply. His footsteps echoed in the empty hallway as he approached KAT-TUN’s dressing room. He put a hand on the knob, stopping when he heard somebody sniffling inside. He double-checked the sign on the door-yep, it had all six names on it. So what was some random person doing in there?
Shrugging, he pushed the door open and scanned the room. The random person turned out to be Tegoshi, who to Ueda’s dismay was huddled and crying uncontrollably in a corner of the room.
“Tegoshi? What are you doing-I mean, what’s wrong?” Ueda hesitantly stepped closer to him, almost drawing back when Tegoshi let out a particularly loud bawl.
“U-u-ue-da-a,” Tegoshi hiccupped in between sniffs. He looked up, tear-filled eyes meeting Ueda’s wary own.
Ueda tried very hard not to flinch at the positively heartbreaking sight that was Tegoshi sobbing. Although he had no particular desire to do so, he found himself crouching next to the younger boy and wrapping an arm around him, mildly horrified when Tegoshi doubly returned the favor as he embraced Ueda with both arms and buried his nose into Ueda’s shoulder. Ueda fell back on his butt, wincing, but Tegoshi stuck to him like a leech, sniffling occasionally. “Ummm…so, do you want to talk about it?” Ueda asked in what he thought was an appropriately gentle-but-not-prodding tone, tentatively patting Tegoshi’s soft hair.
“No.” Tegoshi’s voice was muffled and accompanied by a loud sniff, and when Ueda felt a wetness on his shoulder he sincerely hoped that it was just tears and not…something else.
“Oh. Okay.” Ueda surreptitiously checked his watch then glanced down at his unwanted charge, trying to rack up the proper thing to say to make Tegoshi stop crying and hopefully go away. ‘Please get off me,’ was the only thing that came to mind and he didn’t particularly think that that would lift Tegoshi’s spirits. “So, er, have you eaten lunch? I’ll treat you to a huge chocolate sundae for dessert. You know, if it would make you feel better,” he said lamely, calculating the chances of Tegoshi crying even harder if Ueda ever-so-slightly put some space between them.
Tegoshi peered up at him through glistening lashes (Ueda had to look away and exhale very, very slowly before refocusing his gaze on Tegoshi’s…forehead) and broke into a tiny smile. “Really? I love ice cream!”
Ueda didn’t-at least, not as much as he used to before Jin childishly challenged him to an ice cream-eating contest and consequently made Ueda experience the worst case of brain freeze in his life-but he would gladly shell out a few bucks just to get away from the force of Tegoshi’s Woeful Pout of Doom™. “Yes, really,” he answered patiently, flashing an awkward smile of his own. “In fact, we could go right now. Why don’t you freshen yourself up in the bathroom? I’ll wait for you right here,” he added.
Tegoshi hugged him tightly, obviously not taking the hint. “You’re so nice, Ueda,” he breathed into Ueda’s ear, and Ueda shivered, suddenly reminded of the rumors that were circulating about Tegoshi’s infamous transformation a few months back.
“Er, thanks,” Ueda said nervously, straining to incline his head farther away from Tegoshi’s.
Tegoshi leaned forward. “Hey, did you know?” he whispered in a low, seductive tone.
“Wh-what?” Ueda stammered, positively mortified. He was going to be molested by a guy four years younger than him-
“I’m God.”
Ueda stopped being aware of his own erratic breathing-in fact, all manifestations of panic flew out of his system as he stared, bug-eyed, into Tegoshi’s young face.
Tegoshi smiled sweetly.
“…uhm…okay,” was Ueda’s intelligent reply. He had no clue what Tegoshi wanted to go about with this, but sure, he would play along if that was what it took to make Tegoshi let go of him.
“You don’t believe me,” Tegoshi said with a pout, his eyes watering dangerously.
“No! I mean, yes, of course I believe you.” Ueda swallowed hard and tried not to stare too hard at Tegoshi’s big, round eyes. He swore that Tegoshi had been secretly taking hypnotizing lessons.
Tegoshi sighed. “It’s all right if you don’t. I mean, who believes in God in this day and age?” he asked in a long-suffering tone. “But even so, I have to do my job and wait for people to rekindle their faith. I haven’t seen kindness like yours for a while now, so, as God, I am going to grant you a boon.” He beamed at Ueda.
Ueda resisted the urge to gape at Tegoshi as if he had gone bonkers. The gesture took so much effort to maintain that there was no room in his concentration to formulate a decent reply, let alone say it aloud.
“I will,” Tegoshi paused for dramatic effect, “endow you with the same power that I possess for a whole afternoon.”
“That’s…” Ueda managed to say in a carefully controlled voice.
“Omnipotence!” Tegoshi exclaimed, finally letting go of Ueda and gesturing enthusiastically with his hands. “I’ll give it to you because I think you’re a good person who won’t abuse your powers for something like…like petty materialism or world domination. Those kinds of things. So, please use them wisely.”
Ueda nodded mutely as Tegoshi stood up, giving him one last innocent smile before flouncing out of the room.
-----
Ryo waved his hand in front of Ueda’s face, somewhat fascinated by the glassy sheen to the older man’s eyes. Was he even still blinking?
Ueda didn’t respond. Ryo raised an eyebrow, trying to remember any conversation with Jin that involved a claim that Ueda could sleep with his eyes open, but he was pretty sure that that was not the case. He reached out and pinched one of Ueda’s cheeks hard.
“OW! What the hell?” Ueda burst out, shoving Ryo’s hand away, eyes narrow and alert.
“I was looking for Jin, but all I found was this space cadet that had fallen into a vegetative stupor,” Ryo said simply. “What’s eating you?”
Ueda huffed. “None of your business.” He glared at Ryo for a few seconds before his eyes widened in sudden alarm. “Your hair.”
“What about it?” Ryo countered, running a hand through the hair in question with a satisfied smirk.
“It’s…blonde,” Ueda remarked in a neutral tone, although his mouth remained slightly open, a wholly perplexed look on his face.
Ryo interpreted Ueda’s expression as one of mesmerized awe. “There are better ways to praise me than to state the obvious.”
Ueda was too stunned to be particularly offended by Ryo’s sarcasm. “My god, it’s a perfect disaster,” he muttered under his breath, shuddering inwardly.
Unfortunately ‘perfect’ was the only word that caught Ryo’s ears, and he rolled his eyes. “Of course I’m perfect. Didn’t I just tell you to stop stating the obvious?”
Ueda’s initial shock was starting to wear off. He ought to be used to Ryo’s narcissism by now, but it still never failed to irk him. “Let’s see…” he started, tilting his head slightly to the side, “From this angle you resemble that guy who mugged my grandmother when I was a kid-” Ryo let out an indignant squawk “-but if I tilt my head to the other side and squint just so you look like you have all the fine features of an animated corpse.” He smirked. “Nishikido, isn’t it a little late for you to want to audition for the next Resident Evil movie?”
Ryo was quite insulted. “What did you say?”
“I said your current hair color completely sucks,” Ueda answered bluntly. Ooh, he had waited ages for a chance to finally be able to diss Ryo’s appearance with perfect conviction.
“It does not!” Ryo shouted. Ueda’s smug face was really starting to piss him off-oh wait. Wait. “Ohhhh. I get it now. Nice try, Ueda,” he said flippantly.
Ueda’s face gave way to confusion. “Huh?”
“I’m aware that your pathetic Gackt-wannabe look from a few years back was such a total catastrophe that even you couldn’t avoid wanting to erase it from your memory, but your self-induced trauma doesn’t give you the right to be judgmental. Sourgraping just because I look infinitely hotter than you with blonde hair is really unprofessional.” Ryo smiled condescendingly.
Ueda stared at him in disbelief. This guy’s ego was unbelievable. “Nishikido. If you think for a single second that you actually look decent with that kind of-”
Ryo sighed, as if exasperated that Ueda simply couldn’t get the point. “It’s all right, Ueda. It’s always so hard for some people to accept that there’s only so much they can do to try and look good while there are others who can be beautiful without an effort, being gifted enough to be part of a superior gene pool. That said, I obviously can’t empathize with you, but I completely understand…”
Ueda exhaled, willing himself to calm down and rise above Ryo’s juvenile mockery. He counted backwards from ten, but it wasn’t working, and Ryo didn’t sound like he was going to stop praising himself anytime soon… What Ueda wouldn’t give for Ryo to lose his voice for just a single hour! “Shut up, Nishikido!” he snapped.
And to Ueda’s utter amazement, Ryo did.
“Thank god,” Ueda muttered in relief. He closed his eyes and waited for Ryo to start snarking again, but he was met only with blissful silence and it took him a few more moments to realize that something was wrong. His eyes flew open and he gaped at Ryo, who was opening and closing his mouth while clutching at his throat, a look of panic in his eyes. “…what…?”
Ryo glared at him, abandoning his neck to shake Ueda’s shoulders, unheard words pouring from his rapidly moving mouth. Ueda’s eyes were wide as saucers.
Ryo’s mouth was left open for a more prolonged period of time (Ueda assumed he was trying to scream), and all his manhandling was starting to annoy Ueda. “Geez, calm down!” Ueda irately commanded him.
There was an ominous look on Ryo’s face as he instantaneously retracted his hands from Ueda’s shoulders.
Ueda’s mouth was hanging open. He coughed, realizing his throat was completely dry. “I think…I need a glass of water.”
And for a second time, Ryo complied with Ueda’s wishes, walking out of the room and returning a few minutes later, a glass of lukewarm water in his hand.
“It’s too warm,” Ueda said, annoyed, and he almost dropped the glass when three ice cubes suddenly materialized into it. “What the-”
Ryo stalked towards the white board on one of the walls, grabbing a marker and scribbling furiously.
Quit ordering me around! I’m not your fucking slave!
Ueda stared at Ryo’s jagged handwriting as if he had never seen kanji before. “…this joke of yours isn’t very funny, Nishikido,” he started.
What joke? You force me to do trivial things that you can do for yourself and you’re the one who’s complaining?
“Why can’t you just talk like a normal person?” Ueda demanded.
Ryo scowled. Because I can’t.
“You mean you really lost your voice?” Ueda asked, alarmed.
STUPID.
Ueda started pacing back and forth, growing more and more agitated by the second. Ryo impatiently tapped the whiteboard with his marker.
What are you being so jumpy about, princess?
Ueda frowned, striding over to Ryo and wiping off the last word. “Don’t call me that.”
I didn’t. I wrote it. Ryo stuck his tongue out at him.
Amazing how even being mute couldn’t deter Ryo from acting like a major pain. “Well, stop.”
Why? It’s a term of endearment. The evidently sarcastic line was accompanied by several crudely-drawn hearts, but Ryo didn’t write the word ‘princess’ again.
Ueda sighed. “You really can’t talk, can you?”
No shit, Ryo wrote, looking puzzled for a moment. Then, next to the comma, he drew a scowling face with noodle-like hair and topped the head with a crown, smiling amusedly at his handiwork.
A look of dawning comprehension lit up Ueda’s face. “As God, I am going to grant you a boon,” a sweet, slightly high-pitched male voice echoed in his head. He gaped at Ryo, who was smirking and certainly didn’t appear at all anxious about the fact that his vocal chords had completely stopped functioning. He slowly lifted the full glass of water to his lips, hearing the audible clink of the ice against the rim.
No shit was absolutely right.
-----
“…why are you following me?”
Ryo scribbled something on the notebook he was holding. I’m not.
Ueda stopped in the middle of the corridor and squinted at the notebook. “Hey! That’s mine!” He stared in horror at the lyrics he had written in pencil that Ryo had carelessly overlapped with gigantic, permanent-ink hiragana.
Oops, my bad. Ryo smiled innocently and started writing again. The lyrics on this page are too maudlin to be made into a song, anyway. You wrote this? And I thought this was Kamenashi’s doing.
“You just don’t know how to appreciate the art of songwriting,” Ueda replied, mildly offended.
‘Art’ and ‘senseless sap’ are not synonymous. Care to check a thesaurus?
“Shut up.”
Ooh, was that a threat? It’s not like I’m already voiceless or anything.
Ueda continued walking, trying to hold back the urge to turn Ryo into something impossible to communicate with. Like a rock. But Ueda figured that at the rate Ryo was going, he was probably capable of defying divine intervention, and as soon as he became aware that he was a lump of compressed sediments he would simply hurl himself at Ueda to retaliate.
I’m hungry.
“Nobody cares if you are.” Ueda snatched the notebook from Ryo, noting with irritation that Ryo had skipped over half the empty pages and purposefully overwritten the ones that already had something on them.
Ryo shrugged and turned to the wall. You owe me for yesterday.
Ueda snorted in disdain. “I owe you? You have a very poor memory. That, or a really thick face. The latter sounds more plausible.”
Is it my fault that you can’t resist me?
“…seriously, where do you get your idiotic assumptions? Do you shop for them at Assholes R Us or something?”
Ryo smiled. Cute. Bet you searched the Internet for that comeback.
Ueda sighed, ignoring the sudden twist in his stomach that was an instantaneous reaction to Ryo using the word ‘cute’ while addressing him. He liked to think it was out of vexation. He exasperatedly wondered if Ryo’s tongue possessed any other useful skill other than randomly hurling caustic remarks or sticking itself out for all the world to see like it was doing now, in true kindergarten-bully fashion.
He was wholly unprepared when Ryo grabbed him by the elbow and kissed him.
“Mpff-” Ueda was able to articulate in indignant surprise before Ryo’s tongue invaded his mouth.
It lasted barely five seconds. Needless to say, his musings were satisfactorily answered.
Ueda was too stunned to say anything when Ryo pulled away, and to his utter bafflement, Ryo looked like he was, as well.
“…what was that?” Ueda finally asked in a small, breathless tone.
“How the hell should I know?” Ryo answered, and his eyes widened. “Hey, my voice is back!”
“That’s hardly the issue here,” Ueda snapped. Then his cheeks flushed. If Ryo didn’t do that on his own then that must mean-
“Pardon me while I rejoice over recovering an asset that is vital to my job,” Ryo retorted. “And so what? It was just a stupid kiss. Don’t take it so personally.”
For some reason Ueda suddenly felt disappointed. Of what, he wasn’t entirely sure.
Ryo was too relieved to have his vocal chords functioning again to notice. “This day is seriously fucked up,” he muttered under his breath, trailing his fingertips from the base of his throat, over his Adam’s apple and up to his lips, which were twisted into a frown. The gesture was strangely captivating and Ueda had to force his gaze onto the vandalism on the wall.
“I have a question,” Ueda said in a strained tone.
“Not something stupid again, I hope.”
“…It’s about Tegoshi.”
-----
“…so let me get this straight. Tego-nyan claimed that he was a supreme being and because you wiped off a few tears for him he endowed you with divine powers?” Ryo said slowly.
Ueda nodded. Ryo’s tone didn’t imply an oncoming onslaught of snide remarks, but he had a look on his face that clearly said that he was of the opinion that Ueda was out of his mind. Now Ueda knew how he himself looked like when Tegoshi told him the same thing. “For a whole afternoon.”
Ryo was genuinely concerned. “Ueda, I know a good shrink. I can arrange an appointment for you later. You haven’t been to one lately, right? It’s been a long time since that thing with the fairies-”
“I don’t even want to know why you’re on good terms with a shrink,” Ueda interrupted exasperatedly. “And I’m not going nuts. Here, look.” He stared at the sentences that Ryo had written on the wall, willing them to disappear, and after a second the wall had reverted to it previous unblemished state.
Ryo looked mildly impressed. “That’s a pretty neat trick.”
Ueda glared at him. “Do I have to turn you into a cockroach to get my point across?”
Ryo scoffed. “Like you possibly could-” Ueda crossed his arms over his chest and Ryo took a wary step back, still a little skeptic. “Okay, fine, so if you’re God or whatever…then you’re saying that you’re the reason I lost my voice a while back?”
“Yes,” Ueda said exasperatedly.
“Then I suppose I should resent you for that.”
“I didn’t do it on purpose,” Ueda argued. “That’s how I found out that all the crap Tegoshi was saying was true. I was wishing that you could shut up for an hour and it happened.”
Ryo processed this new piece of information. “Wait, so when I kissed you, you wished for that too?” Ryo raised an eyebrow at him, a smirk starting to spread across his lips.
Shit. Ueda immediately thought that it would be rather convenient if Ryo forgot about that one little fluke. Ryo blinked and the smirk disappeared.
“Well, at least that’s one possible reason why I suddenly went mute,” Ryo said, continuing their previous topic. Ueda let out a sigh of relief.
This whole God business was pretty handy, all things considered.
-----
Ueda was starting to appreciate his newly-acquired abilities. A lot.
He strolled into the restaurant, ignoring the pointed glare boring into the side of his face.
“Uebo!” a familiar voice called out. Ueda looked up and saw Jin and Yamapi moving towards him.
Yamapi slowed to a stop, peering at the small female child clinging tightly to Ueda’s left leg. “Who’s the kid, Ueda?”
Ueda’s smile was slightly strained as the child’s fingernails dug into his calf. “She’s my…niece.” He shot the pigtailed, dress-clad kid a look. The kid scowled up at him.
“Oh. So that’s why she looks a little like you,” Yamapi commented.
Jin squinted. “Really? I actually thought she resembles Ryo-chan.”
Ueda almost snickered, but Ryo stepped hard on his foot with one of his tiny Mary Janes.
Yamapi gasped. “Wait a minute. Don’t tell me Ryo’s had a kid all these years and he never mentioned it to me!”
Ryo made an angry noise that went unnoticed as Ueda walked towards an empty table with an effort, because Ryo was still clinging to his leg. Jin and Yamapi trailed along behind them, sliding into two of the seats.
Ueda patiently pried Ryo’s fingers off him and signaled to a passing waitress. “We need a high chair,” he said pleasantly. Ryo bit his arm.
“She even acts like Ryo. I mean, if he were still a kid.” Yamapi was very interested.
The waitress came back with a couple of menus and a high chair and Yamapi gently lifted Ryo onto it. “Awww, you’re a cute little thing, aren’t you,” Yamapi said. Ryo only glowered in response.
Just as Ueda got seated, he spotted Kame coming up to them. “Thanks a lot for ditching me,” Kame addressed Jin and Yamapi with a cold glare.
Yamapi flailed his arms. “No we didn’t! Jin said you could pay the bill by yourself.”
Kame’s frigid look softened as his attention was drawn to the child sitting primly on the high chair.
Yamapi immediately jumped up to answer Kame’s unspoken question. “She’s-”
“Ryo and Ueda’s love child,” Jin supplied helpfully, thankful that the kid was there to help Kame forget that he and Yamapi had just freeloaded their lunch off him.
Ueda glared at Jin and Ryo struggled violently in his seat. Kame was too enamored with the adorable kid to register Jin’s comment. “Hi there! What’s your name?”
“Fuck off, Kamenashi,” Ryo said in a high-pitched, slightly whiny voice.
Kame drew back, stunned. Jin and Yamapi stared. Ueda calmly sipped on a glass of water as Yamapi clapped his hands after an awkward silence. “Isn’t that cute? Even little kids know who you are, Kame!”
That elicited a weak smile from Kame, who was still in shock after hearing profanities spilling from such an angelic little mouth.
Ueda coughed. “Her name’s Ryoko.”
“Definitely Ryo’s kid, then,” Yamapi said.
“Yeah, you can kinda tell from the attitude,” Jin snickered.
“Riiii-yoooo-koooo-chaaaaan,” Yamapi cooed, making faces at Ryo.
Ryo scowled.
“Only Ryo-chan could have a kid that’d look cute even with her face all scrunched up like that,” Jin said amusedly.
“She’s just cranky because she’s hungry,” Ueda responded, patting Ryo on the head and locking eyes with him as if daring him to do something stupid, like throw a four-year-old tantrum.
Jin stood, pulling up a pale-faced Kame with him. “Well, let’s not cut in on this lovely father-daughter bonding time,” he announced. He walked around the table to pat Ueda’s shoulder. “Tell her other daddy to tone down on the cuss words,” he whispered, laughing as he dragged a protesting Yamapi away from ‘Ryoko-chan.’ Kame took one last cautious look at Ryo before trailing after Jin and Yamapi.
“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” Ryo whined, kicking out with his chubby little legs in frustration.
“You insisted that I pay for your lunch. It’s a lot cheaper if I order the kiddie meal instead of a full course.”
“Cheapskate,” Ryo spit out.
“I simply don’t have a habit of spoiling people I don’t particularly like,” Ueda said with a shrug. He flagged down another waitress. “I’ll have the shrimp ravioli and an iced tea.”
“And your daughter?” the waitress prompted, notepad poised. She smiled fondly at Ryo, who was busy making a paper plane out of his kiddie-puzzle placemat.
“She’s not mine,” Ueda said automatically, pursing his lips at the menu. “Chicken fingers and a fruit shake.”
The waitress nodded. “What flavor…?”
“Mango,” Ryo piped up, throwing the paper plane at Ueda and successfully hitting the side of Ueda’s head with it. “And Ueda-obachan wants the red water-he always drinks that when Ryoko eats with him, or when he looks really really sad, which happens a lot! He can finish a bottle this big all by himself real fast!” He stretched his short arms far apart, flashing the waitress a toothy smile and completely ignoring Ueda’s glare. The waitress looked mildly unsettled as she scribbled on her pad.
“One shrimp ravioli, one iced tea, one chicken finger platter, one mango shake…and a bottle of red wine,” she repeated.
Ueda sighed. “That’s about it.” He watched the waitress move away before rounding on Ryo. “You’re not drinking any of that wine.”
“Of course not,” Ryo said dismissively, clambering out of his high chair with some difficulty and jumping onto the seat next to Ueda. He sat down on the chair, registered that the end of the table was level with his forehead, and huffily stood up on the seat, leaning his arms on the table.
“Excluding the twisted personality, you’d make a pretty cute kid, Nishikido,” Ueda commented with a smirk.
Ryo stuck his tongue out at him. At least now it was right for his age. “You’re lucky you look so much like a girl. Otherwise people would peg you for a pervert with a Lolita complex. I can see the tabloid headlines already: ‘Princess Ueda plays house with living dolls.’”
“Calling me that is rich, especially with your current physical condition,” Ueda replied.
“Fuck you. Turn me back.”
“Patience is a virtue.”
“Stop acting self-righteous, it’s disgusting. You may be posing as God but there’s no need to burn other people’s ears by spewing out preachy clichés.” Ryo made a face at him, stopping only when a waiter approached and served their orders.
Ueda amusedly watched Ryo struggling with his chopsticks as he poured out a glass of red wine. “Do you need me to feed you, Ryoko-chan?”
“Shut up. What idiot serves chopsticks at an Italian restaurant, anyway?” Ryo sniffed, stealing Ueda’s fork and stabbing a piece of chicken with it.
“That’s mine.” Ueda instinctively reached out to snatch the fork from Ryo and while he was sufficiently distracted, Ryo took the opportunity to swipe at the wine glass and down its contents in one fluid motion.
“Ugh…” Ryo almost retched at the horrible taste in his mouth, and his eyes watered as the liquid burned his sensitive throat.
Ueda was stricken. “Are you crazy? You’re in a four-year-old girl’s body, idiot! You can’t drink that!”
Ryo paid him no heed, sloppily pouring out another glass and gulping it down almost twice as fast as the first one. Ueda gaped as Ryo mechanically downed one glass after another, his round face reddening with every swallow. His current body was just way too small to handle the alcohol-he could feel himself swaying unsteadily, his vision beginning to blur.
“Fuck, Nishikido! Do you seriously want to die? With that body you’ll easily keel off from alcohol poisoning-”
“Exactly,” Ryo slurred, slinging back what seemed like his eighth glass before promptly tripping on his own feet and falling onto Ueda’s lap, his eyes closed.
“Shit. Shit.” Ueda cradled the small, barely conscious body in his arms. “Nishikido, wake up.”
Ryo stirred, eyes half-open with an effort. “You know, I really could die from this,” he hiccupped rather conversationally.
Ueda stared at the child’s-Ryo’s-long lashes, shakily brushing away the sweat that had broken out on his flushed forehead.
Ryo smiled. “If you don’t want that to happen, change me back now.”
Ueda didn’t need telling twice; he was halfway to the bathroom in three seconds flat, clutching fearfully at the limp body in his arms.
-----
It was a crime for a person to look so utterly self-satisfied. Ueda really thought so.
“I win,” Ryo said smugly before busying himself with patting every inch of his newly-reverted body with an unnatural urgency.
Ueda watched him with mild irritation. “I know you’re a narcissist, Nishikido, but can’t you grope yourself somewhere where nobody else can see you?”
Ryo’s hands dropped immediately to his sides, and he shot Ueda a dirty look. “Just checking for any defects you could have intentionally left me with. It’s not my fault you’re a sick creep who fantasizes about other men masturbating.”
Ueda didn’t flinch as Ryo stared him down, but he knew that his cheeks were warmer than they should be because Ryo had just thrown him another triumphant smirk. “I didn’t give you any physical deformities, much as I would have wanted to.”
“I believe you,” Ryo said seriously, bending down to pat his legs next. “It’s just that my fear of your incompetence, even as a deity, overrides my faith in your innate compassion.”
Ueda opened his mouth, closed it when he couldn’t think of a scathing comeback, and settled for glaring venomously at the other man.
“Are you sure you didn’t mess me up?” Ryo persisted mockingly.
Maybe he should have utilized his temporary powers for something that would do a lot of people a world of good, Ueda thought. Like making Ryo just a little bit nicer. “I think so,” Ueda said dryly, looking Ryo up and down as if to make sure. His eyes stopped at Ryo’s dirty-blonde hair. “Oh wait. I guess you were right-there is still something wrong with you.”
Ryo put his hands to his head protectively. “If you do anything to my-”
Ueda cocked his head to the side. Ryo whirled at the mirror, staring at his now-black locks. He pivoted around and stalked towards Ueda furiously.
“Change it back!” he demanded, striding forward and forcing Ueda to back towards the sink.
Ueda surveyed Ryo’s hair with satisfaction, undaunted. “Why?”
“What do you mean, why? I didn’t dye my hair blonde for nothing, you know!”
“…you can always steal Yasuda’s hair dye again if you want to look emaciated so badly,” Ueda pointed out, privately hoping that Ryo wouldn’t, for the sake of his fans.
Ryo scowled. “I did not use Yasu’s hair dye, idiot,” he griped. “And what’s it to you if my hair’s blonde? You’re just bitter that your blonde hair sucked and…”
Ueda rolled his eyes and tuned out Ryo’s whining, backtracking and wondering if he still left Ryo with the mentality of a four-year-old. “You look hotter with black hair,” he snapped without thinking.
“-so don’t-wait, what did you say?”
Ueda looked horrified. “Nothing.”
Ryo stepped forward and Ueda instantaneously scooted back, the porcelain sink cold against his butt. “I was right, wasn’t I?” Ryo said smugly, so close that Ueda could feel Ryo’s breath on his face.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Ueda answered as evenly as he could.
A smile played upon Ryo’s lips as he leaned forward, his hair falling into his eyes. He flipped the stray locks back intentionally, eyes sparkling with amusement.
Ueda suddenly found it quite hard to breathe. He contemplated on shoving Ryo as far away from his person as possible, but a traitorous part of his mind wanted Ryo’s lips to move a couple of inches and-
And do that. Ueda unconsciously gripped the sides of the sink as Ryo kissed him, slowly and sweetly and with a surprising tenderness that left him a little weak in the knees. Just the way he always thought he wanted to be kissed by a lover. He knew from that alone that it wasn’t real, only due to a freak influence that Tegoshi gave him, but right now he couldn’t care less-he might as well abuse his literally God-given powers to satiate his guilty pleasures before whatever time he had left ran out.
Ryo shifted and pressed his half-parted lips harder against Ueda’s, tip of the tongue gliding seamlessly along Ueda’s bottom lip. Ueda kissed back roughly, half-distracted by the hand that had slipped under his shirt and the fingers that grazed over the sensitive skin along his waist. He reluctantly broke the kiss when the need for air became too dire to be ignored. Their breaths mingled, short ragged gasps that were magnified by the tiled walls.
Somebody behind them clapped and Ueda jumped, peering over Ryo’s shoulder in a panic. Tegoshi smiled benignly back at him from where he stood leaning against the opposite wall.
“What are you doing here, Tego-nyan?” Ryo asked impatiently, one hand still under Ueda’s shirt.
“It’s a public bathroom,” Tegoshi replied with a shrug. He glanced at Ueda. “Ne, Ueda, didn’t I tell you not to abuse your powers?”
Ueda loosened his grip on the sink, swallowing hard and avoiding Ryo’s eyes. “I, well, I didn’t mean to-” He stopped talking as Ryo’s wayward hand absentmindedly moved up to his chest. “Will you stop that?” he hissed.
“No,” Ryo said, clearly enjoying Ueda’s discomfort.
Tegoshi observed them amusedly. “It isn’t love if the other person doesn’t do it of his own free will. Even a person granted with God’s powers can’t overrule that.”
“I know,” Ueda said, hating the frustration in his voice. Ryo’s other hand was creeping dangerously closely towards his ass and he slapped it away. “What the hell, Nishikido?”
“And God can’t do anything about it either; that’d destroy the whole point of giving humans free will in the first place. All he can do is guide them and give them a little push in the right direction,” Tegoshi continued.
“So that’s why you gave me that power?” Ueda asked as he struggled to keep Ryo’s hands in check. “But you just said-” He exhaled sharply when Ryo abruptly leaned forward and licked a sensitive spot on his neck.
“You sure want Ryo-tan to do a lot of things to you, don’t you?” Tegoshi remarked conversationally.
Ueda was beet-red as he sputtered, “I didn’t want-I mean, I want him to stop and he isn’t…”
“Of course he isn’t going to,” Tegoshi said with a shrug. “Your powers wore off ten minutes ago.” He pointed at the single tiny window in the bathroom. The sky outside was fading to a dull gray.
“What?” Ueda, wide-eyed, managed to push Ryo away and stumble to the window. He stared out at the gathering dusk, willing rain to fall from the sky. It didn’t work.
Tegoshi sighed. “Told you. Why doesn’t anybody trust in God?”
Ueda whirled around at them in disbelief. “But if it wore off ten minutes ago-!”
“Okay, so we’ve established that Ueda has been normal for the past ten minutes. Can we get back to what we were doing before you materialized out of nowhere?” Ryo addressed Tegoshi impatiently.
Ueda stared at Ryo. “Then you did that on your own!”
Ryo rolled his eyes. “Stupid. You obviously wanted me to kiss you. I was doing you a favor.”
Ueda looked to Tegoshi for a more rational answer. Tegoshi was practically glowing with glee. “I was bored. You two can’t get anything done on your own so I decided to help you put two and two together. And it worked, didn’t it?”
Ryo shrugged indifferently; Ueda still appeared a little thrown by the whole situation.
“You guys made this afternoon really interesting!” Tegoshi beamed at them. “Well, I’m not going to stick around; being God entails a lot of other responsibilities, you know. Ueda, you can treat me to ice cream the next time we have a break together.” And with that, he skipped out of the room, humming Miso Soup under his breath.
Ueda stared after him, too preoccupied to mind Ryo when the younger man slung an arm over his shoulder. “Ice cream? Sounds good, let’s go get some!” Ryo smirked at him, and Ueda had the distinct feeling that Ryo’s idea of eating ice cream had nothing to do with cones and spoons and bowls.
“Let’s just get out of here before someone else walks in on us,” Ueda said with a sigh.
-----
“You know, if Tegoshi really is God, then wouldn’t it have saved him a lot of trouble if he just directly used his powers to match us up?”
Ueda reasoned after taking a lick at his strawberry ice cream cone.
“How should I know? I’m not God,” Ryo responded, looking intently at the slowly melting scoop of chocolate on his cone. Cones were so messy-he had wanted to get a popsicle but Ueda had adamantly refused to buy it for some reason. “Tego-nyan’s a romantic at heart, though. I bet you would have manipulated me into jumping you if you still had the chance.”
“Don’t flatter yourself,” Ueda sniffed. “I am not that desperate-and even if I were, you would probably find a way to mess it up. You seemed to be pretty adept at disregarding supernatural will.”
“Don’t take it out on me just because you make such a lousy god. You should have used your powers to help you stop being a failure at everything.”
Ueda shot him a withering look. “Remind me why I like you again. I forget.”
“…okay.” Ryo stopped eating his ice cream and lunged at Ueda, plunging his cold, chocolate-coated tongue into Ueda’s mouth. Ueda’s yelp turned into a moan as Ryo’s tongue swept over every crevice of his mouth, the taste of chocolate blended with strawberry sharply distinct. Ryo pulled away with a thoughtful look on his face. “Should’ve gotten that combination,” he muttered, eyeing Ueda’s half-finished cone.
Ueda dabbed at his sticky lips with a napkin. “Geez, now I have to redo my lip gloss,” he complained.
“What a tragedy,” Ryo said, rolling his eyes. “That’s what I like about you, Princess. Who needs girls when I can have someone whose vanity outrivals theirs any day?”
“Shut up.” Ueda threw his balled-up napkin at him. “Well, this is a sign of a healthy relationship. I wonder how long a couple can last on pure physical attraction alone.”
“And all along I thought you loved me for my dry sense of humor,” Ryo said sarcastically. “Quit worrying. We have God’s blessing, so that must mean we’re doing something right.” He swiped his thumb over an ice cream stain at the corner of Ueda’s lip and idly sucked on it.
Ueda smiled slightly as he glanced out the window, surveying the grounds three floors below where Yamapi and Jin were chasing each other around in circles, Kame standing a few feet away with his arms crossed like an exasperated babysitter resigned to look after two mentally retarded children. Ueda watched as Tegoshi came bounding down the path, sidling up to Kame and whispering cheerfully in his ear.
“Yeah. I guess miracles do happen once in a while.”
Notes again - I really am working on all the fic requests that Momo promised I would... I'm just perpetually busy these days. Yeah.
Author: nami
Genre: Humor
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Ryo/Ueda
Summary: Ueda is unexpectedly granted godlike powers for an afternoon. A perfect time to get even.
Notes: For lelola and gothicauthor. I no longer have a lot of free time so hitting two birds with one stone is the only way to go for me >_<
Her eyes were brimming with tears, but she was doing a pretty good job of holding them back. She forced a smile onto her face and let a nervous laugh escape her lips. “You’re just kidding, right? I know I told you to crack more jokes, but really, this is going a little too far-”
“It’s not a joke,” Ueda interrupted calmly. His tired eyes fell shut and the girl jerked forward and grabbed his hand in a panic, her skin grazing over the IV tube taped to his thin wrist. The gesture caused Ueda’s eyes to flutter open, his breathing slightly labored. Something as simple as Ueda sitting up in bed-she had always taken the little things for granted, always thought that a day would dawn when she could finally see him under the sun and not the fluorescent lights of this gloomy hospital room. Tomorrow, tomorrow, she had always said. And now he was telling her that he didn’t have even that. Not anymore.
She was crying now, and Ueda merely watched her with a passive expression. “It’s not true, it’s not true, it’s not-” She broke down into sobs, gripping his hand tightly.
Ueda glanced out the window. “We all have to go sometime,” he said. He looked back at her, smiling slightly as he reached out with his other hand to wipe the tears from her cheeks. “Hey, what’s with you? Didn’t you use to say that tough girls don’t cry?”
She choked back another sob and gazed at him. He was so pale, so frail and delicate, and yet his eyes shone with a strength so compelling that she found herself loosening her grasp and blinking back tears. Did he cry when he found out? She had a feeling that he didn’t. “Ever since we were little,” she struggled to say, “I had always been the one to protect you, because I thought you were too weak to do it yourself, and I was so scared that you would get hurt.” She took his hand in hers again, holding it carefully as if it would shatter any second now. “All those years, I thought that. But I was wrong. You’re so much stronger than me, stronger than I ever will be…” Her voice cracked and a single tear spilled down her face. She hastily wiped it away before Ueda could, smiling painfully as she did so. It was the best she could do, but she knew Ueda understood.
For his sake, she would be strong.
“AND…CUT!”
The director clapped his hands twice. Ueda disentangled his fingers from the girl’s, cautiously peeling off the tape from his wrist as he half-listened to the director’s voice shouting orders to the random people scattered about the set.
“-extras for episode three scene five, stay behind for a briefing on the next shooting. Ueda, Amamiya, I want you two to have all your lines for the fourth episode memorized by next week, got it? That’s all for today. Good job, everyone!”
Ueda slid off the bed and sighed, relieved that he could finally take off his scratchy hospital gown. He glanced in the director’s direction, noticing a brunette whose back was turned-the profile was oddly familiar…
The girl touched him lightly on the shoulder and he turned his head, startled. “Ueda-kun, some of us are going for brunch, you wanna come?”
“Um, thanks, but I have an errand to run. Maybe next time.” He distractedly looked back at the unknown person, but a group of men from the lighting crew shuffled past and blocked his view.
“I’ll hold you to that,” Amamiya replied with a laugh.
Ueda craned his neck, but when the group left there was no one standing at that spot. He shrugged, waved goodbye to Amamiya and headed back to the dressing rooms.
-----
“I’m sorry, sir, but you are not allowed to enter this part of the building.”
Ryo glared at the hulking security guard blocking his way into the narrow corridor. “Do you know who you’re talking to?” he demanded, flipping his brown hair back.
The guard didn’t even flinch. “Of course. Someone who isn’t part of either the cast or the crew,” he replied, tapping the sign next to him with his old-fashioned police club, “And obviously doesn’t know how to read.” The sign clearly stated ‘Authorized Persons Only’ in big block letters.
The scowl on Ryo’s face deepened. “I’m Nishikido Ryo!” he declared with all the humility of a pompous politician.
“I couldn’t care less who you are,” the guard said pleasantly. “I know the face and name of every individual who’s been granted access beyond this point and you certainly aren’t one of them. Tough luck, kid, but if you want to stalk one of the actresses in this place you ought to do something a little more creative than that.”
Ryo was starting to get seriously pissed off. “I’m not here to stalk some whiny, high-maintenance drama queen, if anything, I’m the one who always gets stalked by fans-”
“Well then, Nishikido-san, I’m sure your life must be hard, but I don’t see why you would want to go through the trouble of hiding here, of all places, because your case would then fall under the terms of ’breaking and entering’,” the guard interrupted exasperatedly.
Ryo glowered at him. “Are you mocking me? You think I’m just making this up?”
The guard calmly pushed a button on his flashy walkie-talkie. “Please leave before I am forced to resort to physical means to remove you from this area.”
Oh, so now he was threatening violence. The nerve of this jerk. “Look, I don’t care if you’re a troll who’s been living under a rock all these years-you obviously don’t recognize fame when you see it. If you weren’t such an ignorant loser you would know that I deserve VIP status in this miserable little hole you’re guarding over so diligently,” Ryo shot at him furiously, pushing his way past the uniformed man.
He was grabbed firmly by the forearm. “This is your last warning-”
“What the hell do you think you’re doing? Let go of me this instant!” Ryo griped, vainly attempting to wriggle his arm free.
The guard sighed, effortlessly keeping Ryo in a vice-like grip as his other hand brought his walkie-talkie to his ear. “Miura here. I need a little help. Some crazy stalker refuses to leave floor 2A-”
“Who are you calling a stalker! Fuck you! Let me go!” Ryo shrieked, incensed.
“…and bring in at least two guys for this lunatic,” the guard added as an afterthought.
Ryo tugged at the burly man’s wrist to no avail. “I hope you enjoyed your meager salary, because I swear I’ll have your last paycheck arranged for you,” he snarled.
“Easy, kid. You’ll be quietly escorted out of the building-make a fool of yourself and we’re going to have to throw you out-”
“Nishikido?”
Ryo stopped flailing and the guard looked over his shoulder to see a casually-clothed Ueda Tatsuya looking at them quizzically. Ryo took advantage of the guard’s distraction, pulling his arm free and swearing not-so-quietly under his breath.
Ueda raised an eyebrow at the slight bruises on Ryo’s arm but didn’t comment. “What are you doing here?”
“You know this person, Ueda-san?” the guard asked, in a much more polite tone than he had used on Ryo, surely. Bloody ass-kisser.
Ueda simply stared as two more security guards rushed towards them, both eyeing Ryo suspiciously. Ryo instinctively lunged to Ueda’s side and a smirk started to form on Ueda’s face as he put two and two together.
“Of course he knows me, I’m his senior,” Ryo snapped rudely.
“I’m a year older than you,” Ueda corrected.
“I debuted before you did,” Ryo shot back. “Twice,” he added smugly.
One of the newly-arrived guards scratched his head. “Should we take this guy away now?”
Ryo glared at him before whirling at Ueda. “Well, don’t just stand there, tell them I have every right to be here!”
“But you don’t,” Ueda remarked honestly, looking amused as one of the guards held Ryo by the upper arm. Ryo slapped the guard’s hand away.
“Ueda, I am warning you,” Ryo hissed.
Ueda cocked his head to the side, smiling slightly. He allowed the guards to start dragging a kicking and screaming Ryo away before calling them back. “It’s okay, he’s with me,” he lied, a tinge of laughter in his voice. He nodded reassuringly at the guards and walked past them. Ryo broke free from his captors’ clutches, making sure to insult all their dead ancestors before following furiously at Ueda’s heels.
“Well, it was about bloody time,” Ryo seethed. “God, you are so slow-”
“Is that any way to thank the person who saved you from imminent humiliation?” Ueda asked, calmly putting on his sunglasses.
Ryo sputtered. “It was nothing like that!”
“You were screaming hysterically and about to be booted out for unauthorized entry in the most ungainly of fashions,” Ueda pointed out.
“I was half-through convincing them before you showed up,” Ryo said stubbornly.
Ueda rolled his eyes, stopping when they passed through the building’s front entrance. “I think I’m up for a cup of ridiculously expensive coffee. Thank you for offering to pay, it’s really so kind of you,” he said with a smirk.
Ryo cursed in reply.
-----
His coffee was jet-black. No milk, no cream, no sugar, no nothing. Ryo stared.
“What?” Ueda said irritably as he stirred the contents of his mug.
“Nothing,” Ryo replied. “I just thought you were the type who liked your coffee with lots of whipped cream and chocolate syrup-you know, those frappucino things that have next to no caffeine in them.”
“Why would you think that?” Ueda asked for the sake of conversation, although he knew he was going to regret listening to the answer.
Ryo shrugged. “Well, I’ve always associated frothy, sugary café drinks with the effeminate-”
Ueda threw his stirrer at Ryo, who yelped. The older man ignored Ryo’s hysterical screeches (“You bastard, you could have scalded me!”) and decided to change the subject. “So. You still haven’t answered my question. What were you doing on my drama set?” He leaned back on his cushiony chair, smugly anticipating the brilliant excuse Ryo was going to come up with this time.
“Just because some producer went temporarily blind and unwisely chose a completely sucky and inexperienced greenhorn like you to star in his drama doesn’t give you the right to claim the set as your own,” Ryo said snootily.
“Changing the subject, are we?” Ueda replied, unfazed.
Ryo rolled his eyes. “Fine, you got me. I’ve been madly in love with you for the past few weeks and I just couldn’t bear another second of not being able to see your girly face, so I walked down the block from my photo shoot venue to confess to you,” he said sarcastically. “What did you think?”
Ueda kicked his shin under the table and Ryo glowered as Ueda took a long drag from his mug. “That would be the stuff of nightmares,” he remarked in distaste. “Why can’t you admit that you just went there to make fun of me?”
“How callous. You’re totally aware of my feelings and yet you have no faith in me? Ueda, that’s just heartbreaking,” Ryo answered, wholly amused with his impromptu roleplay. “Why, I rushed to your set as soon as my break started and got there in time to witness that touching scene with the crying leading lady-was that the fifteenth retake? The director looked a little pissed- and I must say, princess, watching you enact the role of a terminally ill person was the highlight of my day-”
Ueda’s left eyebrow twitched and he drained his mug, inwardly trying to remember why he had forced Ryo to treat him to a cup of coffee in the first place.
“-and then just by watching you act, I came to an epiphany. You most definitely have a crush on me.”
Some of Ueda’s coffee went down the wrong pipe. “Excuse me?” he managed to cough out with a matching glare.
Ryo ploughed on, supremely unconcerned with Ueda’s sudden show of asphyxiation. “Really, Ueda, I know I told you to go die when I ran into you a couple of weeks ago, but you didn’t have to take it almost literally.”
“You have-cough-some nerve,” Ueda hacked, a faint flush appearing on his pale cheeks as his irritation started to get the better of him.
“There’s no need to hide it. Denial can only take you so far,” Ryo said.
“I-you-God, you are so full of yourself!” Ueda sputtered.
Ryo inspected his fingernails. “Yeah, yeah. You might want to change escape tactics; the novelty of hearing you spew out half-assed insults is wearing off fast. And not that I’m trying to put you on the spot or anything, but all the blood rushing to your face is a dead giveaway.”
Ueda abruptly stood up, red with anger and exasperation. “I just remembered that I have something to do,” he said curtly, slinging his bag onto his shoulder and stalking off without so much as a goodbye.
“Don’t you want another coffee?” Ryo called out to spite him. Ueda didn’t glance back, refusing to rise to the bait. Ryo shrugged and sipped self-satisfactorily at his drink. That was a lot easier than he thought.
Item number twenty-four: Piss off Ueda. Just one last thing left on his to-do list before he could go home and consider the day well-spent.
Ryo strolled up to the counter and paid the bill, checking his watch and heading back to his photo session for the final set.
-----
“Did you lock the door to our dressing room already?” Ueda asked while frantically rifling through the contents of his bag.
Jin shrugged. “Nakamaru was the last to leave. He was muttering something about being late for a shooting, though, so I guess he was too much in a rush to remember locking up.”
Ueda sighed when his drama script didn’t magically appear in one of his bag’s many compartments. He sprinted off, hoping that it would simply be lying in plain sight in the dressing room when he got there.
“What about lunch?” Jin called out behind him.
“I’ll catch up to you later!” Ueda shouted in reply. His footsteps echoed in the empty hallway as he approached KAT-TUN’s dressing room. He put a hand on the knob, stopping when he heard somebody sniffling inside. He double-checked the sign on the door-yep, it had all six names on it. So what was some random person doing in there?
Shrugging, he pushed the door open and scanned the room. The random person turned out to be Tegoshi, who to Ueda’s dismay was huddled and crying uncontrollably in a corner of the room.
“Tegoshi? What are you doing-I mean, what’s wrong?” Ueda hesitantly stepped closer to him, almost drawing back when Tegoshi let out a particularly loud bawl.
“U-u-ue-da-a,” Tegoshi hiccupped in between sniffs. He looked up, tear-filled eyes meeting Ueda’s wary own.
Ueda tried very hard not to flinch at the positively heartbreaking sight that was Tegoshi sobbing. Although he had no particular desire to do so, he found himself crouching next to the younger boy and wrapping an arm around him, mildly horrified when Tegoshi doubly returned the favor as he embraced Ueda with both arms and buried his nose into Ueda’s shoulder. Ueda fell back on his butt, wincing, but Tegoshi stuck to him like a leech, sniffling occasionally. “Ummm…so, do you want to talk about it?” Ueda asked in what he thought was an appropriately gentle-but-not-prodding tone, tentatively patting Tegoshi’s soft hair.
“No.” Tegoshi’s voice was muffled and accompanied by a loud sniff, and when Ueda felt a wetness on his shoulder he sincerely hoped that it was just tears and not…something else.
“Oh. Okay.” Ueda surreptitiously checked his watch then glanced down at his unwanted charge, trying to rack up the proper thing to say to make Tegoshi stop crying and hopefully go away. ‘Please get off me,’ was the only thing that came to mind and he didn’t particularly think that that would lift Tegoshi’s spirits. “So, er, have you eaten lunch? I’ll treat you to a huge chocolate sundae for dessert. You know, if it would make you feel better,” he said lamely, calculating the chances of Tegoshi crying even harder if Ueda ever-so-slightly put some space between them.
Tegoshi peered up at him through glistening lashes (Ueda had to look away and exhale very, very slowly before refocusing his gaze on Tegoshi’s…forehead) and broke into a tiny smile. “Really? I love ice cream!”
Ueda didn’t-at least, not as much as he used to before Jin childishly challenged him to an ice cream-eating contest and consequently made Ueda experience the worst case of brain freeze in his life-but he would gladly shell out a few bucks just to get away from the force of Tegoshi’s Woeful Pout of Doom™. “Yes, really,” he answered patiently, flashing an awkward smile of his own. “In fact, we could go right now. Why don’t you freshen yourself up in the bathroom? I’ll wait for you right here,” he added.
Tegoshi hugged him tightly, obviously not taking the hint. “You’re so nice, Ueda,” he breathed into Ueda’s ear, and Ueda shivered, suddenly reminded of the rumors that were circulating about Tegoshi’s infamous transformation a few months back.
“Er, thanks,” Ueda said nervously, straining to incline his head farther away from Tegoshi’s.
Tegoshi leaned forward. “Hey, did you know?” he whispered in a low, seductive tone.
“Wh-what?” Ueda stammered, positively mortified. He was going to be molested by a guy four years younger than him-
“I’m God.”
Ueda stopped being aware of his own erratic breathing-in fact, all manifestations of panic flew out of his system as he stared, bug-eyed, into Tegoshi’s young face.
Tegoshi smiled sweetly.
“…uhm…okay,” was Ueda’s intelligent reply. He had no clue what Tegoshi wanted to go about with this, but sure, he would play along if that was what it took to make Tegoshi let go of him.
“You don’t believe me,” Tegoshi said with a pout, his eyes watering dangerously.
“No! I mean, yes, of course I believe you.” Ueda swallowed hard and tried not to stare too hard at Tegoshi’s big, round eyes. He swore that Tegoshi had been secretly taking hypnotizing lessons.
Tegoshi sighed. “It’s all right if you don’t. I mean, who believes in God in this day and age?” he asked in a long-suffering tone. “But even so, I have to do my job and wait for people to rekindle their faith. I haven’t seen kindness like yours for a while now, so, as God, I am going to grant you a boon.” He beamed at Ueda.
Ueda resisted the urge to gape at Tegoshi as if he had gone bonkers. The gesture took so much effort to maintain that there was no room in his concentration to formulate a decent reply, let alone say it aloud.
“I will,” Tegoshi paused for dramatic effect, “endow you with the same power that I possess for a whole afternoon.”
“That’s…” Ueda managed to say in a carefully controlled voice.
“Omnipotence!” Tegoshi exclaimed, finally letting go of Ueda and gesturing enthusiastically with his hands. “I’ll give it to you because I think you’re a good person who won’t abuse your powers for something like…like petty materialism or world domination. Those kinds of things. So, please use them wisely.”
Ueda nodded mutely as Tegoshi stood up, giving him one last innocent smile before flouncing out of the room.
-----
Ryo waved his hand in front of Ueda’s face, somewhat fascinated by the glassy sheen to the older man’s eyes. Was he even still blinking?
Ueda didn’t respond. Ryo raised an eyebrow, trying to remember any conversation with Jin that involved a claim that Ueda could sleep with his eyes open, but he was pretty sure that that was not the case. He reached out and pinched one of Ueda’s cheeks hard.
“OW! What the hell?” Ueda burst out, shoving Ryo’s hand away, eyes narrow and alert.
“I was looking for Jin, but all I found was this space cadet that had fallen into a vegetative stupor,” Ryo said simply. “What’s eating you?”
Ueda huffed. “None of your business.” He glared at Ryo for a few seconds before his eyes widened in sudden alarm. “Your hair.”
“What about it?” Ryo countered, running a hand through the hair in question with a satisfied smirk.
“It’s…blonde,” Ueda remarked in a neutral tone, although his mouth remained slightly open, a wholly perplexed look on his face.
Ryo interpreted Ueda’s expression as one of mesmerized awe. “There are better ways to praise me than to state the obvious.”
Ueda was too stunned to be particularly offended by Ryo’s sarcasm. “My god, it’s a perfect disaster,” he muttered under his breath, shuddering inwardly.
Unfortunately ‘perfect’ was the only word that caught Ryo’s ears, and he rolled his eyes. “Of course I’m perfect. Didn’t I just tell you to stop stating the obvious?”
Ueda’s initial shock was starting to wear off. He ought to be used to Ryo’s narcissism by now, but it still never failed to irk him. “Let’s see…” he started, tilting his head slightly to the side, “From this angle you resemble that guy who mugged my grandmother when I was a kid-” Ryo let out an indignant squawk “-but if I tilt my head to the other side and squint just so you look like you have all the fine features of an animated corpse.” He smirked. “Nishikido, isn’t it a little late for you to want to audition for the next Resident Evil movie?”
Ryo was quite insulted. “What did you say?”
“I said your current hair color completely sucks,” Ueda answered bluntly. Ooh, he had waited ages for a chance to finally be able to diss Ryo’s appearance with perfect conviction.
“It does not!” Ryo shouted. Ueda’s smug face was really starting to piss him off-oh wait. Wait. “Ohhhh. I get it now. Nice try, Ueda,” he said flippantly.
Ueda’s face gave way to confusion. “Huh?”
“I’m aware that your pathetic Gackt-wannabe look from a few years back was such a total catastrophe that even you couldn’t avoid wanting to erase it from your memory, but your self-induced trauma doesn’t give you the right to be judgmental. Sourgraping just because I look infinitely hotter than you with blonde hair is really unprofessional.” Ryo smiled condescendingly.
Ueda stared at him in disbelief. This guy’s ego was unbelievable. “Nishikido. If you think for a single second that you actually look decent with that kind of-”
Ryo sighed, as if exasperated that Ueda simply couldn’t get the point. “It’s all right, Ueda. It’s always so hard for some people to accept that there’s only so much they can do to try and look good while there are others who can be beautiful without an effort, being gifted enough to be part of a superior gene pool. That said, I obviously can’t empathize with you, but I completely understand…”
Ueda exhaled, willing himself to calm down and rise above Ryo’s juvenile mockery. He counted backwards from ten, but it wasn’t working, and Ryo didn’t sound like he was going to stop praising himself anytime soon… What Ueda wouldn’t give for Ryo to lose his voice for just a single hour! “Shut up, Nishikido!” he snapped.
And to Ueda’s utter amazement, Ryo did.
“Thank god,” Ueda muttered in relief. He closed his eyes and waited for Ryo to start snarking again, but he was met only with blissful silence and it took him a few more moments to realize that something was wrong. His eyes flew open and he gaped at Ryo, who was opening and closing his mouth while clutching at his throat, a look of panic in his eyes. “…what…?”
Ryo glared at him, abandoning his neck to shake Ueda’s shoulders, unheard words pouring from his rapidly moving mouth. Ueda’s eyes were wide as saucers.
Ryo’s mouth was left open for a more prolonged period of time (Ueda assumed he was trying to scream), and all his manhandling was starting to annoy Ueda. “Geez, calm down!” Ueda irately commanded him.
There was an ominous look on Ryo’s face as he instantaneously retracted his hands from Ueda’s shoulders.
Ueda’s mouth was hanging open. He coughed, realizing his throat was completely dry. “I think…I need a glass of water.”
And for a second time, Ryo complied with Ueda’s wishes, walking out of the room and returning a few minutes later, a glass of lukewarm water in his hand.
“It’s too warm,” Ueda said, annoyed, and he almost dropped the glass when three ice cubes suddenly materialized into it. “What the-”
Ryo stalked towards the white board on one of the walls, grabbing a marker and scribbling furiously.
Quit ordering me around! I’m not your fucking slave!
Ueda stared at Ryo’s jagged handwriting as if he had never seen kanji before. “…this joke of yours isn’t very funny, Nishikido,” he started.
What joke? You force me to do trivial things that you can do for yourself and you’re the one who’s complaining?
“Why can’t you just talk like a normal person?” Ueda demanded.
Ryo scowled. Because I can’t.
“You mean you really lost your voice?” Ueda asked, alarmed.
STUPID.
Ueda started pacing back and forth, growing more and more agitated by the second. Ryo impatiently tapped the whiteboard with his marker.
What are you being so jumpy about, princess?
Ueda frowned, striding over to Ryo and wiping off the last word. “Don’t call me that.”
I didn’t. I wrote it. Ryo stuck his tongue out at him.
Amazing how even being mute couldn’t deter Ryo from acting like a major pain. “Well, stop.”
Why? It’s a term of endearment. The evidently sarcastic line was accompanied by several crudely-drawn hearts, but Ryo didn’t write the word ‘princess’ again.
Ueda sighed. “You really can’t talk, can you?”
No shit, Ryo wrote, looking puzzled for a moment. Then, next to the comma, he drew a scowling face with noodle-like hair and topped the head with a crown, smiling amusedly at his handiwork.
A look of dawning comprehension lit up Ueda’s face. “As God, I am going to grant you a boon,” a sweet, slightly high-pitched male voice echoed in his head. He gaped at Ryo, who was smirking and certainly didn’t appear at all anxious about the fact that his vocal chords had completely stopped functioning. He slowly lifted the full glass of water to his lips, hearing the audible clink of the ice against the rim.
No shit was absolutely right.
-----
“…why are you following me?”
Ryo scribbled something on the notebook he was holding. I’m not.
Ueda stopped in the middle of the corridor and squinted at the notebook. “Hey! That’s mine!” He stared in horror at the lyrics he had written in pencil that Ryo had carelessly overlapped with gigantic, permanent-ink hiragana.
Oops, my bad. Ryo smiled innocently and started writing again. The lyrics on this page are too maudlin to be made into a song, anyway. You wrote this? And I thought this was Kamenashi’s doing.
“You just don’t know how to appreciate the art of songwriting,” Ueda replied, mildly offended.
‘Art’ and ‘senseless sap’ are not synonymous. Care to check a thesaurus?
“Shut up.”
Ooh, was that a threat? It’s not like I’m already voiceless or anything.
Ueda continued walking, trying to hold back the urge to turn Ryo into something impossible to communicate with. Like a rock. But Ueda figured that at the rate Ryo was going, he was probably capable of defying divine intervention, and as soon as he became aware that he was a lump of compressed sediments he would simply hurl himself at Ueda to retaliate.
I’m hungry.
“Nobody cares if you are.” Ueda snatched the notebook from Ryo, noting with irritation that Ryo had skipped over half the empty pages and purposefully overwritten the ones that already had something on them.
Ryo shrugged and turned to the wall. You owe me for yesterday.
Ueda snorted in disdain. “I owe you? You have a very poor memory. That, or a really thick face. The latter sounds more plausible.”
Is it my fault that you can’t resist me?
“…seriously, where do you get your idiotic assumptions? Do you shop for them at Assholes R Us or something?”
Ryo smiled. Cute. Bet you searched the Internet for that comeback.
Ueda sighed, ignoring the sudden twist in his stomach that was an instantaneous reaction to Ryo using the word ‘cute’ while addressing him. He liked to think it was out of vexation. He exasperatedly wondered if Ryo’s tongue possessed any other useful skill other than randomly hurling caustic remarks or sticking itself out for all the world to see like it was doing now, in true kindergarten-bully fashion.
He was wholly unprepared when Ryo grabbed him by the elbow and kissed him.
“Mpff-” Ueda was able to articulate in indignant surprise before Ryo’s tongue invaded his mouth.
It lasted barely five seconds. Needless to say, his musings were satisfactorily answered.
Ueda was too stunned to say anything when Ryo pulled away, and to his utter bafflement, Ryo looked like he was, as well.
“…what was that?” Ueda finally asked in a small, breathless tone.
“How the hell should I know?” Ryo answered, and his eyes widened. “Hey, my voice is back!”
“That’s hardly the issue here,” Ueda snapped. Then his cheeks flushed. If Ryo didn’t do that on his own then that must mean-
“Pardon me while I rejoice over recovering an asset that is vital to my job,” Ryo retorted. “And so what? It was just a stupid kiss. Don’t take it so personally.”
For some reason Ueda suddenly felt disappointed. Of what, he wasn’t entirely sure.
Ryo was too relieved to have his vocal chords functioning again to notice. “This day is seriously fucked up,” he muttered under his breath, trailing his fingertips from the base of his throat, over his Adam’s apple and up to his lips, which were twisted into a frown. The gesture was strangely captivating and Ueda had to force his gaze onto the vandalism on the wall.
“I have a question,” Ueda said in a strained tone.
“Not something stupid again, I hope.”
“…It’s about Tegoshi.”
-----
“…so let me get this straight. Tego-nyan claimed that he was a supreme being and because you wiped off a few tears for him he endowed you with divine powers?” Ryo said slowly.
Ueda nodded. Ryo’s tone didn’t imply an oncoming onslaught of snide remarks, but he had a look on his face that clearly said that he was of the opinion that Ueda was out of his mind. Now Ueda knew how he himself looked like when Tegoshi told him the same thing. “For a whole afternoon.”
Ryo was genuinely concerned. “Ueda, I know a good shrink. I can arrange an appointment for you later. You haven’t been to one lately, right? It’s been a long time since that thing with the fairies-”
“I don’t even want to know why you’re on good terms with a shrink,” Ueda interrupted exasperatedly. “And I’m not going nuts. Here, look.” He stared at the sentences that Ryo had written on the wall, willing them to disappear, and after a second the wall had reverted to it previous unblemished state.
Ryo looked mildly impressed. “That’s a pretty neat trick.”
Ueda glared at him. “Do I have to turn you into a cockroach to get my point across?”
Ryo scoffed. “Like you possibly could-” Ueda crossed his arms over his chest and Ryo took a wary step back, still a little skeptic. “Okay, fine, so if you’re God or whatever…then you’re saying that you’re the reason I lost my voice a while back?”
“Yes,” Ueda said exasperatedly.
“Then I suppose I should resent you for that.”
“I didn’t do it on purpose,” Ueda argued. “That’s how I found out that all the crap Tegoshi was saying was true. I was wishing that you could shut up for an hour and it happened.”
Ryo processed this new piece of information. “Wait, so when I kissed you, you wished for that too?” Ryo raised an eyebrow at him, a smirk starting to spread across his lips.
Shit. Ueda immediately thought that it would be rather convenient if Ryo forgot about that one little fluke. Ryo blinked and the smirk disappeared.
“Well, at least that’s one possible reason why I suddenly went mute,” Ryo said, continuing their previous topic. Ueda let out a sigh of relief.
This whole God business was pretty handy, all things considered.
-----
Ueda was starting to appreciate his newly-acquired abilities. A lot.
He strolled into the restaurant, ignoring the pointed glare boring into the side of his face.
“Uebo!” a familiar voice called out. Ueda looked up and saw Jin and Yamapi moving towards him.
Yamapi slowed to a stop, peering at the small female child clinging tightly to Ueda’s left leg. “Who’s the kid, Ueda?”
Ueda’s smile was slightly strained as the child’s fingernails dug into his calf. “She’s my…niece.” He shot the pigtailed, dress-clad kid a look. The kid scowled up at him.
“Oh. So that’s why she looks a little like you,” Yamapi commented.
Jin squinted. “Really? I actually thought she resembles Ryo-chan.”
Ueda almost snickered, but Ryo stepped hard on his foot with one of his tiny Mary Janes.
Yamapi gasped. “Wait a minute. Don’t tell me Ryo’s had a kid all these years and he never mentioned it to me!”
Ryo made an angry noise that went unnoticed as Ueda walked towards an empty table with an effort, because Ryo was still clinging to his leg. Jin and Yamapi trailed along behind them, sliding into two of the seats.
Ueda patiently pried Ryo’s fingers off him and signaled to a passing waitress. “We need a high chair,” he said pleasantly. Ryo bit his arm.
“She even acts like Ryo. I mean, if he were still a kid.” Yamapi was very interested.
The waitress came back with a couple of menus and a high chair and Yamapi gently lifted Ryo onto it. “Awww, you’re a cute little thing, aren’t you,” Yamapi said. Ryo only glowered in response.
Just as Ueda got seated, he spotted Kame coming up to them. “Thanks a lot for ditching me,” Kame addressed Jin and Yamapi with a cold glare.
Yamapi flailed his arms. “No we didn’t! Jin said you could pay the bill by yourself.”
Kame’s frigid look softened as his attention was drawn to the child sitting primly on the high chair.
Yamapi immediately jumped up to answer Kame’s unspoken question. “She’s-”
“Ryo and Ueda’s love child,” Jin supplied helpfully, thankful that the kid was there to help Kame forget that he and Yamapi had just freeloaded their lunch off him.
Ueda glared at Jin and Ryo struggled violently in his seat. Kame was too enamored with the adorable kid to register Jin’s comment. “Hi there! What’s your name?”
“Fuck off, Kamenashi,” Ryo said in a high-pitched, slightly whiny voice.
Kame drew back, stunned. Jin and Yamapi stared. Ueda calmly sipped on a glass of water as Yamapi clapped his hands after an awkward silence. “Isn’t that cute? Even little kids know who you are, Kame!”
That elicited a weak smile from Kame, who was still in shock after hearing profanities spilling from such an angelic little mouth.
Ueda coughed. “Her name’s Ryoko.”
“Definitely Ryo’s kid, then,” Yamapi said.
“Yeah, you can kinda tell from the attitude,” Jin snickered.
“Riiii-yoooo-koooo-chaaaaan,” Yamapi cooed, making faces at Ryo.
Ryo scowled.
“Only Ryo-chan could have a kid that’d look cute even with her face all scrunched up like that,” Jin said amusedly.
“She’s just cranky because she’s hungry,” Ueda responded, patting Ryo on the head and locking eyes with him as if daring him to do something stupid, like throw a four-year-old tantrum.
Jin stood, pulling up a pale-faced Kame with him. “Well, let’s not cut in on this lovely father-daughter bonding time,” he announced. He walked around the table to pat Ueda’s shoulder. “Tell her other daddy to tone down on the cuss words,” he whispered, laughing as he dragged a protesting Yamapi away from ‘Ryoko-chan.’ Kame took one last cautious look at Ryo before trailing after Jin and Yamapi.
“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” Ryo whined, kicking out with his chubby little legs in frustration.
“You insisted that I pay for your lunch. It’s a lot cheaper if I order the kiddie meal instead of a full course.”
“Cheapskate,” Ryo spit out.
“I simply don’t have a habit of spoiling people I don’t particularly like,” Ueda said with a shrug. He flagged down another waitress. “I’ll have the shrimp ravioli and an iced tea.”
“And your daughter?” the waitress prompted, notepad poised. She smiled fondly at Ryo, who was busy making a paper plane out of his kiddie-puzzle placemat.
“She’s not mine,” Ueda said automatically, pursing his lips at the menu. “Chicken fingers and a fruit shake.”
The waitress nodded. “What flavor…?”
“Mango,” Ryo piped up, throwing the paper plane at Ueda and successfully hitting the side of Ueda’s head with it. “And Ueda-obachan wants the red water-he always drinks that when Ryoko eats with him, or when he looks really really sad, which happens a lot! He can finish a bottle this big all by himself real fast!” He stretched his short arms far apart, flashing the waitress a toothy smile and completely ignoring Ueda’s glare. The waitress looked mildly unsettled as she scribbled on her pad.
“One shrimp ravioli, one iced tea, one chicken finger platter, one mango shake…and a bottle of red wine,” she repeated.
Ueda sighed. “That’s about it.” He watched the waitress move away before rounding on Ryo. “You’re not drinking any of that wine.”
“Of course not,” Ryo said dismissively, clambering out of his high chair with some difficulty and jumping onto the seat next to Ueda. He sat down on the chair, registered that the end of the table was level with his forehead, and huffily stood up on the seat, leaning his arms on the table.
“Excluding the twisted personality, you’d make a pretty cute kid, Nishikido,” Ueda commented with a smirk.
Ryo stuck his tongue out at him. At least now it was right for his age. “You’re lucky you look so much like a girl. Otherwise people would peg you for a pervert with a Lolita complex. I can see the tabloid headlines already: ‘Princess Ueda plays house with living dolls.’”
“Calling me that is rich, especially with your current physical condition,” Ueda replied.
“Fuck you. Turn me back.”
“Patience is a virtue.”
“Stop acting self-righteous, it’s disgusting. You may be posing as God but there’s no need to burn other people’s ears by spewing out preachy clichés.” Ryo made a face at him, stopping only when a waiter approached and served their orders.
Ueda amusedly watched Ryo struggling with his chopsticks as he poured out a glass of red wine. “Do you need me to feed you, Ryoko-chan?”
“Shut up. What idiot serves chopsticks at an Italian restaurant, anyway?” Ryo sniffed, stealing Ueda’s fork and stabbing a piece of chicken with it.
“That’s mine.” Ueda instinctively reached out to snatch the fork from Ryo and while he was sufficiently distracted, Ryo took the opportunity to swipe at the wine glass and down its contents in one fluid motion.
“Ugh…” Ryo almost retched at the horrible taste in his mouth, and his eyes watered as the liquid burned his sensitive throat.
Ueda was stricken. “Are you crazy? You’re in a four-year-old girl’s body, idiot! You can’t drink that!”
Ryo paid him no heed, sloppily pouring out another glass and gulping it down almost twice as fast as the first one. Ueda gaped as Ryo mechanically downed one glass after another, his round face reddening with every swallow. His current body was just way too small to handle the alcohol-he could feel himself swaying unsteadily, his vision beginning to blur.
“Fuck, Nishikido! Do you seriously want to die? With that body you’ll easily keel off from alcohol poisoning-”
“Exactly,” Ryo slurred, slinging back what seemed like his eighth glass before promptly tripping on his own feet and falling onto Ueda’s lap, his eyes closed.
“Shit. Shit.” Ueda cradled the small, barely conscious body in his arms. “Nishikido, wake up.”
Ryo stirred, eyes half-open with an effort. “You know, I really could die from this,” he hiccupped rather conversationally.
Ueda stared at the child’s-Ryo’s-long lashes, shakily brushing away the sweat that had broken out on his flushed forehead.
Ryo smiled. “If you don’t want that to happen, change me back now.”
Ueda didn’t need telling twice; he was halfway to the bathroom in three seconds flat, clutching fearfully at the limp body in his arms.
-----
It was a crime for a person to look so utterly self-satisfied. Ueda really thought so.
“I win,” Ryo said smugly before busying himself with patting every inch of his newly-reverted body with an unnatural urgency.
Ueda watched him with mild irritation. “I know you’re a narcissist, Nishikido, but can’t you grope yourself somewhere where nobody else can see you?”
Ryo’s hands dropped immediately to his sides, and he shot Ueda a dirty look. “Just checking for any defects you could have intentionally left me with. It’s not my fault you’re a sick creep who fantasizes about other men masturbating.”
Ueda didn’t flinch as Ryo stared him down, but he knew that his cheeks were warmer than they should be because Ryo had just thrown him another triumphant smirk. “I didn’t give you any physical deformities, much as I would have wanted to.”
“I believe you,” Ryo said seriously, bending down to pat his legs next. “It’s just that my fear of your incompetence, even as a deity, overrides my faith in your innate compassion.”
Ueda opened his mouth, closed it when he couldn’t think of a scathing comeback, and settled for glaring venomously at the other man.
“Are you sure you didn’t mess me up?” Ryo persisted mockingly.
Maybe he should have utilized his temporary powers for something that would do a lot of people a world of good, Ueda thought. Like making Ryo just a little bit nicer. “I think so,” Ueda said dryly, looking Ryo up and down as if to make sure. His eyes stopped at Ryo’s dirty-blonde hair. “Oh wait. I guess you were right-there is still something wrong with you.”
Ryo put his hands to his head protectively. “If you do anything to my-”
Ueda cocked his head to the side. Ryo whirled at the mirror, staring at his now-black locks. He pivoted around and stalked towards Ueda furiously.
“Change it back!” he demanded, striding forward and forcing Ueda to back towards the sink.
Ueda surveyed Ryo’s hair with satisfaction, undaunted. “Why?”
“What do you mean, why? I didn’t dye my hair blonde for nothing, you know!”
“…you can always steal Yasuda’s hair dye again if you want to look emaciated so badly,” Ueda pointed out, privately hoping that Ryo wouldn’t, for the sake of his fans.
Ryo scowled. “I did not use Yasu’s hair dye, idiot,” he griped. “And what’s it to you if my hair’s blonde? You’re just bitter that your blonde hair sucked and…”
Ueda rolled his eyes and tuned out Ryo’s whining, backtracking and wondering if he still left Ryo with the mentality of a four-year-old. “You look hotter with black hair,” he snapped without thinking.
“-so don’t-wait, what did you say?”
Ueda looked horrified. “Nothing.”
Ryo stepped forward and Ueda instantaneously scooted back, the porcelain sink cold against his butt. “I was right, wasn’t I?” Ryo said smugly, so close that Ueda could feel Ryo’s breath on his face.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Ueda answered as evenly as he could.
A smile played upon Ryo’s lips as he leaned forward, his hair falling into his eyes. He flipped the stray locks back intentionally, eyes sparkling with amusement.
Ueda suddenly found it quite hard to breathe. He contemplated on shoving Ryo as far away from his person as possible, but a traitorous part of his mind wanted Ryo’s lips to move a couple of inches and-
And do that. Ueda unconsciously gripped the sides of the sink as Ryo kissed him, slowly and sweetly and with a surprising tenderness that left him a little weak in the knees. Just the way he always thought he wanted to be kissed by a lover. He knew from that alone that it wasn’t real, only due to a freak influence that Tegoshi gave him, but right now he couldn’t care less-he might as well abuse his literally God-given powers to satiate his guilty pleasures before whatever time he had left ran out.
Ryo shifted and pressed his half-parted lips harder against Ueda’s, tip of the tongue gliding seamlessly along Ueda’s bottom lip. Ueda kissed back roughly, half-distracted by the hand that had slipped under his shirt and the fingers that grazed over the sensitive skin along his waist. He reluctantly broke the kiss when the need for air became too dire to be ignored. Their breaths mingled, short ragged gasps that were magnified by the tiled walls.
Somebody behind them clapped and Ueda jumped, peering over Ryo’s shoulder in a panic. Tegoshi smiled benignly back at him from where he stood leaning against the opposite wall.
“What are you doing here, Tego-nyan?” Ryo asked impatiently, one hand still under Ueda’s shirt.
“It’s a public bathroom,” Tegoshi replied with a shrug. He glanced at Ueda. “Ne, Ueda, didn’t I tell you not to abuse your powers?”
Ueda loosened his grip on the sink, swallowing hard and avoiding Ryo’s eyes. “I, well, I didn’t mean to-” He stopped talking as Ryo’s wayward hand absentmindedly moved up to his chest. “Will you stop that?” he hissed.
“No,” Ryo said, clearly enjoying Ueda’s discomfort.
Tegoshi observed them amusedly. “It isn’t love if the other person doesn’t do it of his own free will. Even a person granted with God’s powers can’t overrule that.”
“I know,” Ueda said, hating the frustration in his voice. Ryo’s other hand was creeping dangerously closely towards his ass and he slapped it away. “What the hell, Nishikido?”
“And God can’t do anything about it either; that’d destroy the whole point of giving humans free will in the first place. All he can do is guide them and give them a little push in the right direction,” Tegoshi continued.
“So that’s why you gave me that power?” Ueda asked as he struggled to keep Ryo’s hands in check. “But you just said-” He exhaled sharply when Ryo abruptly leaned forward and licked a sensitive spot on his neck.
“You sure want Ryo-tan to do a lot of things to you, don’t you?” Tegoshi remarked conversationally.
Ueda was beet-red as he sputtered, “I didn’t want-I mean, I want him to stop and he isn’t…”
“Of course he isn’t going to,” Tegoshi said with a shrug. “Your powers wore off ten minutes ago.” He pointed at the single tiny window in the bathroom. The sky outside was fading to a dull gray.
“What?” Ueda, wide-eyed, managed to push Ryo away and stumble to the window. He stared out at the gathering dusk, willing rain to fall from the sky. It didn’t work.
Tegoshi sighed. “Told you. Why doesn’t anybody trust in God?”
Ueda whirled around at them in disbelief. “But if it wore off ten minutes ago-!”
“Okay, so we’ve established that Ueda has been normal for the past ten minutes. Can we get back to what we were doing before you materialized out of nowhere?” Ryo addressed Tegoshi impatiently.
Ueda stared at Ryo. “Then you did that on your own!”
Ryo rolled his eyes. “Stupid. You obviously wanted me to kiss you. I was doing you a favor.”
Ueda looked to Tegoshi for a more rational answer. Tegoshi was practically glowing with glee. “I was bored. You two can’t get anything done on your own so I decided to help you put two and two together. And it worked, didn’t it?”
Ryo shrugged indifferently; Ueda still appeared a little thrown by the whole situation.
“You guys made this afternoon really interesting!” Tegoshi beamed at them. “Well, I’m not going to stick around; being God entails a lot of other responsibilities, you know. Ueda, you can treat me to ice cream the next time we have a break together.” And with that, he skipped out of the room, humming Miso Soup under his breath.
Ueda stared after him, too preoccupied to mind Ryo when the younger man slung an arm over his shoulder. “Ice cream? Sounds good, let’s go get some!” Ryo smirked at him, and Ueda had the distinct feeling that Ryo’s idea of eating ice cream had nothing to do with cones and spoons and bowls.
“Let’s just get out of here before someone else walks in on us,” Ueda said with a sigh.
-----
“You know, if Tegoshi really is God, then wouldn’t it have saved him a lot of trouble if he just directly used his powers to match us up?”
Ueda reasoned after taking a lick at his strawberry ice cream cone.
“How should I know? I’m not God,” Ryo responded, looking intently at the slowly melting scoop of chocolate on his cone. Cones were so messy-he had wanted to get a popsicle but Ueda had adamantly refused to buy it for some reason. “Tego-nyan’s a romantic at heart, though. I bet you would have manipulated me into jumping you if you still had the chance.”
“Don’t flatter yourself,” Ueda sniffed. “I am not that desperate-and even if I were, you would probably find a way to mess it up. You seemed to be pretty adept at disregarding supernatural will.”
“Don’t take it out on me just because you make such a lousy god. You should have used your powers to help you stop being a failure at everything.”
Ueda shot him a withering look. “Remind me why I like you again. I forget.”
“…okay.” Ryo stopped eating his ice cream and lunged at Ueda, plunging his cold, chocolate-coated tongue into Ueda’s mouth. Ueda’s yelp turned into a moan as Ryo’s tongue swept over every crevice of his mouth, the taste of chocolate blended with strawberry sharply distinct. Ryo pulled away with a thoughtful look on his face. “Should’ve gotten that combination,” he muttered, eyeing Ueda’s half-finished cone.
Ueda dabbed at his sticky lips with a napkin. “Geez, now I have to redo my lip gloss,” he complained.
“What a tragedy,” Ryo said, rolling his eyes. “That’s what I like about you, Princess. Who needs girls when I can have someone whose vanity outrivals theirs any day?”
“Shut up.” Ueda threw his balled-up napkin at him. “Well, this is a sign of a healthy relationship. I wonder how long a couple can last on pure physical attraction alone.”
“And all along I thought you loved me for my dry sense of humor,” Ryo said sarcastically. “Quit worrying. We have God’s blessing, so that must mean we’re doing something right.” He swiped his thumb over an ice cream stain at the corner of Ueda’s lip and idly sucked on it.
Ueda smiled slightly as he glanced out the window, surveying the grounds three floors below where Yamapi and Jin were chasing each other around in circles, Kame standing a few feet away with his arms crossed like an exasperated babysitter resigned to look after two mentally retarded children. Ueda watched as Tegoshi came bounding down the path, sidling up to Kame and whispering cheerfully in his ear.
“Yeah. I guess miracles do happen once in a while.”
Notes again - I really am working on all the fic requests that Momo promised I would... I'm just perpetually busy these days. Yeah.