Time to
Clocks are jumping out at me, practically getting ran over by cars to make me notice. I don't know why, or what that means, but I noticed, so now what?
There's a sticky cloud of meh following me around lately. I think the only way to escape would be to cut myself out of this vessel and hide under some stairs for a few days. There are no stairs in this house, I am reminded. Jumping and smacking myself doesn't seem to be shaking this grog off, although the static shock I get every time I get out of bed is certainly trying.
Hollz is bipolar. Not in a roid rage kind of a way, in a YAY/OH NOES kind of a way. We've been together for about 11ish years. Eleven years provides a nice vivisection of someone to get to know. You can really get in there and see all of those pores fighting with each other. And to prevent that.
Really, between us, thats my whole philosophy on relationships. At least the ones I am in. If she is happy, then that makes me happy, to know that. To see her laugh and smile and know it's not fake. To know INSIDE she is screaming with joy and awesomeness and those smiles are payment like checks you know will never bounce.
But again, Hollz is bipolar.
So she is often not happy. I am screaming and slamming myself against a wall and on the other side she does not even hear the slightest bit of noise, because she exists in a bubble. And that bubble is filled with sadness, and total hopelessness regardless of what anyone else does.
This makes me absolutely insane. I am a man that fixes problems. My job is literally to solve problems all day long. TO make things WORK. No matter how much :D I throw at this, it doesn't even matter.
I think she knows, and it upsets her even more. Obviously I don't want that.
Another problem is that her :( is infectious. Or course, even when spending a small amount of time with someone their mojo will rub off on you.
I've thought this was often a perspective thing, and that if I put MYSELF into a bubble, an anti-gloom bubble, that my mojo would rub off on her, and would prevent these swings. Occasionally that helps, but it never really WORKS. Again, external influence does not really affect her bubble of sad.
She is on meds by the way.
I don't know how much she is trying at this. I think she has given up any ideas about controlling herself emotionally. Of course, that goes along with feeling hopeless you know.
She needs more than the meds. She needs to see someone. She was briefly, but is impatient and wasn't getting results immediately. She was told to do things like meditate, which she says she cannot effetely do, even thought meditating really just requires you to sit and relax quietly.
Above all, I think she just needs to TRY. I don't think she's much interested in trying because it hasn't gotten her anywhere this long right? Wo why continue? (this I assume is her thought process on it). Me, I'm the type of person that will stubbornly continue to do something forever simply out of spite.
I love her more than anything though, so I will of course continue to slam my head against that wall in vein forever if I have to. I guess I just get tired sometimes of feeling like I'm not having even the tinniest effect on her emotionally.
I guess the good thing about bipolar(ness) is that hopefully in a few days she will be on an upswing and things will be good again. :D Albeit briefly.
There's a sticky cloud of meh following me around lately. I think the only way to escape would be to cut myself out of this vessel and hide under some stairs for a few days. There are no stairs in this house, I am reminded. Jumping and smacking myself doesn't seem to be shaking this grog off, although the static shock I get every time I get out of bed is certainly trying.
Hollz is bipolar. Not in a roid rage kind of a way, in a YAY/OH NOES kind of a way. We've been together for about 11ish years. Eleven years provides a nice vivisection of someone to get to know. You can really get in there and see all of those pores fighting with each other. And to prevent that.
Really, between us, thats my whole philosophy on relationships. At least the ones I am in. If she is happy, then that makes me happy, to know that. To see her laugh and smile and know it's not fake. To know INSIDE she is screaming with joy and awesomeness and those smiles are payment like checks you know will never bounce.
But again, Hollz is bipolar.
So she is often not happy. I am screaming and slamming myself against a wall and on the other side she does not even hear the slightest bit of noise, because she exists in a bubble. And that bubble is filled with sadness, and total hopelessness regardless of what anyone else does.
This makes me absolutely insane. I am a man that fixes problems. My job is literally to solve problems all day long. TO make things WORK. No matter how much :D I throw at this, it doesn't even matter.
I think she knows, and it upsets her even more. Obviously I don't want that.
Another problem is that her :( is infectious. Or course, even when spending a small amount of time with someone their mojo will rub off on you.
I've thought this was often a perspective thing, and that if I put MYSELF into a bubble, an anti-gloom bubble, that my mojo would rub off on her, and would prevent these swings. Occasionally that helps, but it never really WORKS. Again, external influence does not really affect her bubble of sad.
She is on meds by the way.
I don't know how much she is trying at this. I think she has given up any ideas about controlling herself emotionally. Of course, that goes along with feeling hopeless you know.
She needs more than the meds. She needs to see someone. She was briefly, but is impatient and wasn't getting results immediately. She was told to do things like meditate, which she says she cannot effetely do, even thought meditating really just requires you to sit and relax quietly.
Above all, I think she just needs to TRY. I don't think she's much interested in trying because it hasn't gotten her anywhere this long right? Wo why continue? (this I assume is her thought process on it). Me, I'm the type of person that will stubbornly continue to do something forever simply out of spite.
I love her more than anything though, so I will of course continue to slam my head against that wall in vein forever if I have to. I guess I just get tired sometimes of feeling like I'm not having even the tinniest effect on her emotionally.
I guess the good thing about bipolar(ness) is that hopefully in a few days she will be on an upswing and things will be good again. :D Albeit briefly.