day of doom is approaching
The appointment is on monday. I am really not looking forward to it. I have been fretting since the appointment was made. Thing is, I know it has to be done. No matter how embarrassing or humiliating it will be, it needs to be done and some good might some through with it. It didnt help that my therapist told me that the doctors finger is going to be in my vagina! Well thats one way to calm me down....not....
I dont know what I am going to do or how to react when I'm there sitting in the room with the woman getting her latex gloves on waiting to molest me.
I think the one thing I am scared about is the doctor telling me that she cant find anything wrong with me although there is. I know there is because I feel it and have always felt it. Then again, this appointment wouldnt have been made if the other nurse didnt think I needed help. I just know that if it is what I think it is then there is nothing they can do about it and I will be stuck like this forever. My boyfriend no matter how patient he is will one day leave me because I dont have sex anymore...
He says that he wants the closeness back that we shared and I can understand that but I fear that the closeness we have now will not be enough. I know he isnt all about sex but my mind assumes it is all of the time. Astrid told me that I need to seperate sex from making love but I cant because both hurt the same. How can love be so painful. Then she says I need to seperate sex from pain. Well thats a little hard when every single sexual experience I have ever had has been excruciating.
Makes me feel like a piece of meat sometimes. Guys get their shag and I just shut up and put up with the pain. Then again that was before my current partner but he still doesnt quite 'get it'.
This is so hard. I want to cry every night...
I dont know what I am going to do or how to react when I'm there sitting in the room with the woman getting her latex gloves on waiting to molest me.
I think the one thing I am scared about is the doctor telling me that she cant find anything wrong with me although there is. I know there is because I feel it and have always felt it. Then again, this appointment wouldnt have been made if the other nurse didnt think I needed help. I just know that if it is what I think it is then there is nothing they can do about it and I will be stuck like this forever. My boyfriend no matter how patient he is will one day leave me because I dont have sex anymore...
He says that he wants the closeness back that we shared and I can understand that but I fear that the closeness we have now will not be enough. I know he isnt all about sex but my mind assumes it is all of the time. Astrid told me that I need to seperate sex from making love but I cant because both hurt the same. How can love be so painful. Then she says I need to seperate sex from pain. Well thats a little hard when every single sexual experience I have ever had has been excruciating.
Makes me feel like a piece of meat sometimes. Guys get their shag and I just shut up and put up with the pain. Then again that was before my current partner but he still doesnt quite 'get it'.
This is so hard. I want to cry every night...