keepholdingon. (G-Bom Drabble)
The worst thing about relationships is the fear. You’re scared when you don’t know if your feelings are reciprocated, then you’re scared the feelings might end, then you’re scared to end it when those feelings die, then you’re scared of the loneliness that’s left in the corners of the room as that person that you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with stomps out the door and that dark presence roams the room until it settles in your lungs and your nose and your eyes and you can’t breathe and you’re still crying hours later, scared that that someone might know just how pathetic you are, hoping they’re feeling as bad as you.
At least that’s how Ji Yong felt. He closed his eyes and listened to cars on the wet road. It was slowly becoming his favorite sound. He stared at the floorboards and realized he was out of tears. He couldn’t bring himself to cry anymore. He didn’t know why any of it had to happen. The hand holding, the lasting shy kiss, their lips embracing each other in the night, the way he held her by the waist, the way she held on to him, hugging him from behind, burrowing her face in his shirt, smelling him; they had always been holding on to each other, why had they started letting go. His thoughts were interrupted by the sound Gaho’s footsteps, the click clack of his nails on the floorboard a welcoming sound. Ji Yong realized he was just pacing in front of the door.
“What are you doing?” he asked simply as he willed himself off of the floor and walked to the front door. Gaho sniffed at the door and then swatted his paw under it, making Ji Yong aware of the shadow under the door. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It was then he heard the slow and shallow breaths. He opened the door and Bom stopped herself from falling backwards from her original position of leaning against the door. She turned around, tears in her eyes. They looked at each other with bloodshot eyes. Ji Yong wanted to laugh at her clumsiness but then he remembered it might be the last time he sees her cry, or takes in the image of her at his door and he lost his sense of humor.
“I don’t want to do this anymore.”
“Then leave.” Ji Yong felt the pang in his heart himself, even though he was the one who said it.
“Why can’t you just love me!? Why do I have to chase you!? I’m tired of running. I’m tired of loving you. Why don’t you love me instead?” She stomped her foot like a child. Her voice got lower as she continued, an unsure tone that always seemed to settle in her voice as a pout settled in her lips and a smile settled on Ji Yong’s. History always seems to repeat itself. Ji Yong swore this had happened before. He reached out his hand and grabbed hers.
“Just hold on to me. Just keep holding on to me.”
“I don't know if I can," she muttered.
“Don't worry...I'll keep holding on too."