kingka kiss! (9/9)
Fandom: Big Bang
Pairing: GTOP/ Baeri/ Daeji
Rating: PG
Genre: Fluff/Romance
previous chapters: one, two, three, four, five , six , seven & eight
Seungri stared at the ground as he walked outside of the walls of the school. He focused on thinking of the squares of concrete, counting them, so that his mind didn’t wander and let him think of Youngbae.
“Can I…talk to you?”
He heard the voice, unusually small and meek and turned around to see Minji, standing there, her face burrowed in the collar of her coat, a scarf around her neck. He nodded with a sigh, knowing this moment would come eventually.
“I just wanted to say…I’m over it,” she continued.
Seungri didn’t know what to say as he put his hands in his pockets. He looked to the ground again. It was more than he could do. Youngbae wasn’t someone he could just get over.
“I’m….over you. So you can move on,” Minji said, her eyes tearing up.
“Over me?” Seungri said, a confused frown on his face. I’m over you. “What are you talking about?”
Minji shook her head releasing a short breath, her voice quivering as if she couldn’t decide whether to sob or laugh. “I’m in love with you. Always have been. I’ve always been so stupidly in love. I couldn’t even see it.”
Seungri found himself speechless as Minji walked towards him. Her steps were tentative, as if he might lash out and hurt her if she moved too quickly. This can’t be happening. “But the tutoring and running into you on the train. You’re always around Youngbae.”
“You’re always around Youngbae. I wanted to be there too. I wanted to see you everyday,” her face tried to hide a small pout, “I told Youngbae oppa how I felt. I tried to get him to see, how much I loved you, to get him to help me. I even tried to make you jealous by talking about us studying together... I was so blind. I never realized that the way I looked at you…He looked at you the exact same way.”
Seungri thought of the way Minji talked about spending time with Youngbae to his sister. "You flaunted being around Youngbae all the time. You said-"
"I said all of it to make you jealous. Which worked...I suppose." Minji said looking to the ground.
“I saw you with him Minji. At the movie theater, when he was touching your face in his room…” Seungri refused to believe he could’ve possibly broken Minji’s heart. He thought of all the bad thoughts he had towards her, wanting to hit her or call her names. He felt his heart breaking all over again. You let your jealousy cloud your judgment, Youngbae had said after he burst into the room, kissing him in front of her. He couldn’t imagine the way she felt then, seeing the guy she had fallen for hurt her intentionally. He thought of the magazine she had sheepishly gave him, the way she said his name and it made his heart ache. He remembered pining for Seunghyun, how it felt, how it hurt him and he immediately felt bad for everything as he realized Minji had experienced the same thing.
“He works there.”
“Where?”
“The movie theater. I just ran into him,” Minji said. She looked to the ground, before looking at Seungri again, laughing slightly. “Wow, you really didn’t know?”
“But he promised me…” Seungri said, taking a deep breath. He felt numb. He didn’t know how to take in all this information. Youngbae had promised not to work two jobs anymore. Lying about where he had been, leaving quickly to run errands, lately Youngbae had driven him crazy. All this time he thought Youngbae was hiding his relationship with Minji…But instead he had been hiding a job.
“You know, he told me that you’re no good for me. That you’ll never think of me, consider me. I thought that he meant you were selfish or mean. But I see it now…How could you think of me if you’re always thinking of him?” Minji said.
“Minji…” Seungri started but he didn’t know what to say.
“I wish you were selfish. I wish you were mean. I wish that I could hate you, instead of love you still...but it’s okay. There’s someone who thinks of me. Everyday…And every day, I think of you less and less...Soon, I’ll think of him every day too.” Minji nodded to affirm herself as she took a deep breath, determination set in her face.
“Minji. I am sorry. “ Seungri said the words lowly, knowing they weren’t enough as she walked past him.
“If you’re really sorry,” she said, stopping a moment without turning around, “Then you’ll go make things right with him.... Instead of hurting me for no reason.”
She walked away, leaving Seungri with his own regret.
******************
Daesung felt himself grow depressed. Ever since Minji kissed him on the cheek, he really didn’t know what to do. He had tried to call her but she didn’t answer. Everything had gone well. At least that’s what he thought when he called his hyungs and told them it was a good date. (Seunghyun congratulated him and Jiyong told him to try calling people after two o’clock in the afternoon when people are actually awake.) So now, he didn’t know what to do. He sat in front of the window in class, staring out the pane. From there he could clearly see where people usually beat chalk from the classroom erasers and he remembered asking Minji out, her shy laugh, her hesitant words. He really wished he didn’t embarrass himself in front of her so often. Of course she doesn’t like you. You’re an idiot. He was hoping it was just that stupid phantom Jiyong that stuck around his mind, giving him bad advice but this time that wasn’t a solace. It was just him, by himself. Even he could see he was a loser.
He sighed before seeing a rock hit the window.
“Kang Daesung!” the teacher yelled. Before he knew it he was out in the hallway, holding his arms up in the air as a punishment.
“Don’t disrupt my class again! You can come back when you feel like you can handle being a good student,” The teacher shook her finger in his face before returning to the classroom, leaving him out in the hallway. Daesung sighed as he closed his eyes. This just wasn’t a good day.
“Sorry, I just wanted to get your attention,” Minji said through an unsure smile.
Daesung opened his eyes, instantly smiling after seeing her face. “Minji!” he tried to act nonchalant after realizing he was probably too excited.
“...I’m not having a very good day,” Minji said, slowly.
“Me neither,” Daesung sighed.
“I guess I wanted to see you…You usually cheer me up,” Minji didn’t look at him as she spoke.
Daesung felt his heart stop before beating at an alarmingly fast rate. “Oh…You cheer me up too,” he said before clearing his throat.
Minji smiled widely, her white teeth showing, her eyes small. She grabbed his hand suddenly making him jump a bit.
“What are you-“
She started walking backwards leading him down the hallway, “C’mon.” She started picking up pace, turning around and dragging him behind her.
“Where are we going?”
“It doesn’t matter if I’m with you, does it?” She said, making Daesung blush, both of them knowing he’d follow her anywhere.
***************
Youngbae sat on the bench outside of the university, holding a cigarette.
“So you smoke now?” Jiyong asked, folding his arms as he stood behind him.
“Thinking about it,” Youngbae said before Jiyong sat beside him, snatching it.
“You better not. It’s a terrible habit.” He placed the cigarette between his lips before digging in his pocket for a lighter.
“And you’re setting a great example.”
Jiyong shrugged before lighting the cigarette and inhaling deeply. “I try,” he said before blowing out a puff of smoke. He stared at the laces on his own boots before looking over at Youngbae who wore a plaid button down shirt, his sleeves shoved up to his elbows. “You look like a lumberjack.”
Youngbae ignored the comment, staring at the grass around them.
“You know, you should just call him. Talk to him.”
“I don’t want to talk about Seungri,” Youngbae said quickly.
“You’re still mad at me…” Jiyong bit his lip. He put his feet up on the bench, hugging his knees.
“No. Everything’s my fault. I don’t want to talk about it.” Youngbae said the words in his usual monotone, matter of fact way.
“Did you really cheat on Seungri?” Jiyong asked.
“No but I lied to him. Then I got mad because he got the wrong idea…But he only got the wrong idea because I lied to him in the first place. I only lied to him because I want to make him happy and he loves shoes. It’s all pretty moronic.” Youngbae, scratched his chin in thought.
“I don’t know what that all means really.” Jiyong said before shivering a bit, a cold breeze blowing past them.
“It means, Seunghyun was right.”
“You must hate that,” Jiyong said, folding his arms.
“Not really anymore. I don’t care about anything.” Youngbae put his elbows on his thighs, looking to the ground.
“…Except Seungri…” Jiyong added.
“Except Seungri,” Youngbae repeated, knowing it was the truth.
“Good to finally hear you say it,” a deep voice said to Youngbae’s side.
Seunghyun stood beside them, his phone in his hand, “Because I have a plan…”
+++++++++++++++
Seungri hadn’t made it to class after talking to Minji. He found himself turning around, heading back home. His feet moved on his own. He didn’t take in the streets he walked on, the faces he might have passed. His eyes didn’t water. He didn’t cry. He didn’t have a destination but he knew he was headed somewhere. It was too hard to think. It would be too hard to come to the realization that he had broken Minji’s heart, that Youngbae had always loved him, that he’d thrown everything away in a moment. Maybe it would work out. Maybe it wouldn’t. It was too hard to weigh the odds of the likelihood of his heart mending.
He kept his hands in his pockets before realizing he was already back at his house. It didn’t feel like his own legs were taking him up the stairs. It couldn’t be his own arms that pushed open his bedroom door, nor his own body flopping on his bed. He stared at the ceiling as he laid there.
I don’t want to hurt you…That’s what he had said, his breath fogging in the cold, his eyes staring into Seungri’s. He probably never could. Seungri realized that now. He looked to his desk, the window in front of it letting in light. He used to love the way the light from the window would hit Youngbae, illuminating his jawline, shining in his dark hair. It hit his dark eyes, a deep and passionate ember somehow burning inside of them. It would warm the room singlehandedly, the sunshine licking their skin, beating on their brows, until they dropped the blinds, the dark blue twilight of his room just as comfortable as they lay there together.
Seungri touched the space beside him. His own pillow smelled like Youngbae. He had always complained about how little Youngbae saw him but his pillow smelled like Youngbae’s after shave. How could it if he hadn’t been there enough? He burrowed his face there as he turned on his side. The evidence of Youngbae lingered all over his room. The music sheets set upon his dresser (“I wrote it for you to hear. Not to play yourself. Stop complaining.”), the hoodie hanging from his closet door (“Don’t lie. Just wear it. I know you’re cold.”), the desk where Youngbae had crept behind him, placing his arms around him, offering a kiss to get him to do his homework. If Seungri had known all these traces would be left here, he wouldn’t have let Youngbae come here. Now there was no place to call his.
He wondered if Youngbae laid in his room, remembering Seungri playing (poorly) on his keyboard, or Seungri striking him with a pillow as he slept on his bed, leaving a trail of kisses on his neck as they stood in his kitchen, placing his hands on his shoulders, running his hands under his shirt as they laid on the floor. He wondered if Youngbae couldn’t shake the sensation of Seungri kissing this small single space on his back that he adored so deeply as they curled up for the cat naps they both longed for during the day. None of it was enough according to Seungri then…but that was him then. Looking back at it now, it was enough for Seungri. It was more than enough.
He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t even know where things went so wrong. He found his mind wavering through all these emotions no professor or word expert had come up with a word for. At least that’s how it felt. There just wasn’t a word for missing someone this much, for regretting something this bad. Even so, there was this small, miniscule anger that didn’t have a word either.
You should’ve fought for me, Youngbae.
But he hadn’t. He’d let him walk out without telling the truth. Things wouldn’t be so bad if he had just held on. If he hadn’t responded to Seungri with I heard you when Seungri ended things. Did he even want this anymore? This relationship that Seungri held so dear, what if it was inconsequential to Youngbae, a troublesome phase? Seungri shook his head. He couldn’t believe that. Then his body wouldn’t be in auto pilot. It would tremble and shake. His eyes would sob. His voice would ring out in a cry.
He couldn’t keep laying in this room thinking about someone he didn’t have anymore. He got his phone out of his pocket, calling the only person he could always count on.
“Seungri. How is my dongsaeng?” Seunghyun said the words with unusual cheer.
“I was wrong,” Seungri said.
“About what?” Seunghyun asked. Seungri could hear the background noise of a busy street behind him.
“Everything. Now it’s too late,” Seungri closed his eyes.
“It’s never too late, Seungri…” Seunghyun sighed, resolving in his mind what he had to do.
***************
“This is ridiculous. Both of them are late.” Jiyong said watching from a distant bench at a bus stop, wearing a baseball cap and oversized aviators. He was in a “subtle” disguise, his tight designer jeans and loose t-shirt with printed English obscenities definitely not a dead giveaway.
“Everyone would be able to tell who you are.” Seunghyun said, placing his hand under his chin as he leaned over in his seat, his slim companion slumped over next to him.
“Yeah, right. My own mother would pass me by,” Jiyong waved his hand as if swatting away Seunghyun’s words.
The older man didn’t answer but laughed quietly, deciding to let Jiyong hold on to his illusions of surreptitiousness.
“Why did you tell them you had some big plan if this was all you were going to do?” Jiyong was whispering so as not to be heard, even though they were separated by four lanes of traffic from the park that they watched, waiting for Youngbae and Seungri to arrive.
“Just meeting each other…That would take courage. They’re just not that courageous.”
“Yeah, but you told Youngbae you had a plan to win Seungri over first,” Jiyong said.
“Seungri doesn’t need to be won over,” Seunghyun’s stomach growled, “….I on the other hand…”
Jiyong handed him a candy bar from his pocket without looking in his direction. “You’re an animal. You just ate.”
“Seungri and Youngbae will do anything to avoid facing each other but it’s all they really need to do,” Seunghyun said, ignoring the animal comment.
Seunghyun had told them both to meet him at the park and go over his big “plan” but he didn’t have a plan. Well, he did but that was its entirety, inviting them both to the same place at the same time to meet him, who just happened not to be there. He was early because he had expected Jiyong to show up late and given him an earlier meeting time for the two of them to watch how things unfolded but he shouldn’t have. For the last fifteen minutes Jiyong had whined about how ridiculous the plan was and how boring things were getting even though he had shown up right on time to observe everything.
Seunghyun knew it wasn’t a dumb plan. He knew he was right. He didn’t really even worry about being spotted across the street. Once they saw each other, he was sure they wouldn’t notice anyone else. Seungri was probably terrified Youngbae really didn’t care and Youngbae was surely mortified that things might actually be over between them. All they had to do was face their fears and realize that they were terrified of two things that just couldn’t happen.
“This is getting familiar. Why do we have to witness all their stupid reunions?” Jiyong pouted, folding his arms.
“Stop whining. They’re going to kiss and you’re going to love it.”
“Pfft.”
“After the festival, you were practically glowing.”
“Yeah, cause we made out in the stairway. Not because of their sweaty hand holding. Don’t be obtuse,” Jiyong said before perking up, “Seunghyun! Look!” Jiyong said, hitting Seunghyun’s shoulder with the back of his hand, already excited at the sight of Seungri walking across the street.
****************
Seungri crossed his arms as he stood in front of the park’s fountain. His hyung was late. He grew impatient. He was still groggy and depressed. He found himself uncomfortable in front of anyone, especially on a day like this, the sun shining, laughter filling the park. He stood out, imagining a gloomy cloud over his head, a looming thunderstorm hovering over only him. Seunghyun had said he had a plan to help him cheer up and help him get Youngbae back at the same time. The only thing he’d ever seen him scheme for was Jiyong’s heart. He wasn’t sure that his hyung would come up with a plan that would actually help him.
“Some plan huh?” Youngbae said behind him. Youngbae. That’s Youngbae’s voice.
He felt like he’d just been punched in the chest, the ability to breathe escaping him. He tried to regroup. He couldn’t be upset. He had to play it cool. He couldn’t let Youngbae see what a wreck he was. He turned around. Youngbae stood in jeans and a t-shirt, his black hat tilted on his head. Somehow, even though his outfit was understated, it stood out, as if a stylist had planned it out. His wardrobe hadn’t changed. Nothing had. Seungri knew the same couldn’t be said about him. The bags under his eyes were worse from crying and not sleeping. His clothes were frumpy and wrinkled. He immediately became aware that he was wearing a t-shirt he had borrowed from Youngbae, something he’d forgotten when he got dressed that morning. How could you forget!? You’re so stupid! He cursed himself as he feigned amusement on the outside.
“Pretty awful plan,” he tried his best to give a genuine smile.
“Jiyong and Seunghyun are across the street.” Youngbae said, nodding in their direction. Seungri looked over at his hyungs who tried to look engrossed in their mobile phones, Seunghyun covering his mouth with his hand as he pretended to text a message. “They look pretty stupid,” he said with a smile.
“Yeah…So do we,” Seungri mumbled before turning back around.
“Yeah, I guess we do,” Youngbae replied. He smiled, his eyes becoming the crescents Seungri loved to see so much but they made his heart ache. He couldn’t bring himself to smile. He had to stand there and pretend everything was okay but it wasn’t. They weren’t together. Nothing felt right with them apart.
“Why did you lie to me?” He asked before he thought about it, folding his arms.
“I wanted to give you everything you wanted. You always pine after shoes and clothes and all those things in your scrapbook…I wanted to get all those things for you. With my own money… but I never make enough. Not yet but soon-“
“Youngbae! I don’t want any of those things,” Seungri shook his head, interrupting him.
“Seungri…I can get those things for you. You just have to be patient,” Youngbae put his hands on his shoulders and Seungri suppressed a shudder at the feeling of his touch.
“Youngbae, what would I do with any of those things?”
Youngbae pulled his hands back and Seungri immediately missed the sensation of their bodies touching, “I know you’re mad,” he said glancing at the ground, “I know you wouldn’t want them from me now, but then…I thought they would make you happy.”
“Hyung, you make me happy! None of those things mean anything to me if you’re not there...”
Youngbae didn’t say anything. He looked at Seungri, his junior unable to read his expression.
“I thought I lost you. I thought you had someone else. I went crazy,” Seungri continued.
“Yeah, you did,” Youngbae said dryly, before smiling.
“Shut up. You lied to me and you broke a promise. You said you wouldn’t work two jobs.”
“But Seungri, it was for you. I wanted to give you-” Youngbae started.
“And all this time I thought you were the genius,” Seugnri said, rolling his eyes. Youngbae looked at him, his brow furrowed, afraid he was frustrating Seungri.
“Youngbae. You’re all I need. You’re all I want,” Seungri continued.
“How could you think I didn’t feel the same way, then? How was that supposed to make me feel? I could never do that to you,” Youngbae paused, “I love you.”
“I love you, too.” Seungri said. He could feel himself coming back from some deep darkness. His heart seemed to lighten, the world just seemed brighter. Youngbae smiled at him again and this time, it didn’t hurt. It felt like the meaning of life was right in front of him as he found himself smiling back, a real genuine smile, one he thought he’d lost.
He looked back for a second after hearing Jiyong yelp and scream as he applauded them from his seat across the street.
“Ignore him, he just wants attention,” Youngbae said wryly.
“Speaking of attention,” Seungri started, pulling a folded paper from his pocket. “Here.”
“What is this?”
“I didn’t think I’d be able to give it to you but I’m glad I have it with me,” Seungri said, smugly.
Youngbae looked down at the paper in front of him. It was an essay Seungri had been assigned to write. An A was written on the top of the page. He had finished his homework as promised…and gotten a good grade while he was at it.
“So how about that kiss?” Seungri asked, knowing there would be many to come.