101 Recipies for Tongue and Nose Rings! (Mmmmmmm-mmm!!!)
I originally posted the below in response to Sharissa's post over the below posted news article:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7188526/?GT1=6305
which informs about the possible decision in Wyoming to ban facial jewelry from restaurant workers due to the overwhelming complaints the health board has received from numerous parties (ie. the elderly) concerning finding tongue and nose piercings in their food. The interesting thing is that no one can site a substantiated claim of this actually happening (ie. all wailing and tears, no solid proof [ie. no piercings recovered]). But the wailing of these concerned (ie. crotchety and afraid) citizens may be enough for the government to react without the required evidence (ie. Salem circa 1692) to ban the painful body decor as unsanitary. As I thought my response had great intellectual insight into this whole political ordeal (ie. bull-malarky), I thought I'd repost:
Okay, that's gross, but apparently unfounded. Documenting the concerns of elderly women as evidence for anything would be like taking Grimm's Fairy Tales as gospel truth and proof that giants and thumb-sized asshole sadists exist. A likely explanation:
OLD LADY MCGERTRUDE: (thinking) Oh d-d-d-dear! That nasty young hooligan has his nose pierced! Oh the shame for his mother! Oh the unsanitariness! Oh how it pulsates with sinful desire to corpulate in my onioned hashbrowns!! Oh my!! Oh dear!!! Oh worry!! I see it in his eyes, he wants to lick my food!! I know he wants to rob me when I leave!!!!! Oh dear!!! Oh agony and fear!!! Oh quivery palpitations!!! Oh-!
(bites into an overcooked piece of burnt potato shredding which dislodges her dentures, forcing her to swallow them)
OLD LADY MCGERTRUDE: (clasping chest after injesting dentalware, gumming words quivery and flappy-lipped) Ohf d-d-dehr!!! (snortch!) Daht hhoolighensth tahngh pheerthing!!! (gulp!) Fehl ihn myh hathshbrohnzth!!! Ohf Ih aiht iht!!!! (trembly convulsy drool!) Ohf dah ftheind!!! Ohf dah unthahnitaree!!! (burpa!) Ohf dah uhngleenethz!!! Ohf dah conthtipathuhn ahnd dah sthuffringh!!!!!!!
LAW OFFICES OF SCHWANGER, PRICKLE, AND GRABSTEIN REPRESENTATIVE: (appears in cloud of sulfer and onion flatulence, speaking without voice in the tones of eternity and damnation) Laaaaaaaaaaawwwwwh Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuit......!
And there you have it! The mystery explained!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7188526/?GT1=6305
which informs about the possible decision in Wyoming to ban facial jewelry from restaurant workers due to the overwhelming complaints the health board has received from numerous parties (ie. the elderly) concerning finding tongue and nose piercings in their food. The interesting thing is that no one can site a substantiated claim of this actually happening (ie. all wailing and tears, no solid proof [ie. no piercings recovered]). But the wailing of these concerned (ie. crotchety and afraid) citizens may be enough for the government to react without the required evidence (ie. Salem circa 1692) to ban the painful body decor as unsanitary. As I thought my response had great intellectual insight into this whole political ordeal (ie. bull-malarky), I thought I'd repost:
Okay, that's gross, but apparently unfounded. Documenting the concerns of elderly women as evidence for anything would be like taking Grimm's Fairy Tales as gospel truth and proof that giants and thumb-sized asshole sadists exist. A likely explanation:
OLD LADY MCGERTRUDE: (thinking) Oh d-d-d-dear! That nasty young hooligan has his nose pierced! Oh the shame for his mother! Oh the unsanitariness! Oh how it pulsates with sinful desire to corpulate in my onioned hashbrowns!! Oh my!! Oh dear!!! Oh worry!! I see it in his eyes, he wants to lick my food!! I know he wants to rob me when I leave!!!!! Oh dear!!! Oh agony and fear!!! Oh quivery palpitations!!! Oh-!
(bites into an overcooked piece of burnt potato shredding which dislodges her dentures, forcing her to swallow them)
OLD LADY MCGERTRUDE: (clasping chest after injesting dentalware, gumming words quivery and flappy-lipped) Ohf d-d-dehr!!! (snortch!) Daht hhoolighensth tahngh pheerthing!!! (gulp!) Fehl ihn myh hathshbrohnzth!!! Ohf Ih aiht iht!!!! (trembly convulsy drool!) Ohf dah ftheind!!! Ohf dah unthahnitaree!!! (burpa!) Ohf dah uhngleenethz!!! Ohf dah conthtipathuhn ahnd dah sthuffringh!!!!!!!
LAW OFFICES OF SCHWANGER, PRICKLE, AND GRABSTEIN REPRESENTATIVE: (appears in cloud of sulfer and onion flatulence, speaking without voice in the tones of eternity and damnation) Laaaaaaaaaaawwwwwh Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuit......!
And there you have it! The mystery explained!