(no subject)
A little over a month since I started this bedrest, and I'm still surviving it. Abundance and Light claim I'm actually doing pretty well and I'm trying to remember that at least behaviorally, their perception matters as much as my perception of my behavior does. Internal landscape-wise, still all over the place, discovered Friday I need some amount of dental work/surgery done, which felt unbearable at the time. But, after leaking a little bit in the office, I manage to shut that shit down until I got all the way back into bed, because that one time I tried to crutch while sobbing was bullshit. Also, it's possible/certain I should never google dental surgeries and their outcomes.
I'm reading, a lot. I'm discovering that I'm much better at listening to audiobooks about modifying the challenging ways my brain works (thanks trauma!) if I also can occasionally go to the text to re-read. Logistically a little problematic, since I get all of my books out from the library, but it seems to be helping. I'm also consuming vast quantities of fiction, managing to whittle my tbr list (by creating a new tab in the spreadsheet titled "should want to" and moving all the books I've been leaving on the list but never want to read, but can't delete because maybe someday I'll want to) and continuing to flex my DNF muscles, while trying to remember that there are days when nothing will please me and it's not about any of the books themselves, I might love them on a different day.
I'm trying to start figuring out how to meet/find people to talk to, or reconnect with some of the ones I used to talk to. I think narrowed my world the fuck down so many years ago, I seem to remember having more people in my life, more things I did, but that might not even be true, it was just that I was working in an office and at least saw an assortment of people even if I only interacted with them there. I've identified a couple people I miss, tried to reach out, but realize I've forgotten how to have actual conversations. At this point, I'm not sure I remember what conversations are, or if I ever did anything other than watch movies and eat food with other people and sometimes make mouth noises that didn't really mean anything. It's not like I want to suddenly become an extrovert, but for someone who thinks a lot about how we'll all only thrive in this world by forming and inhabiting community, I'm definitely not seeking or creating it on a scale much larger than my house and I'd like to change that.
I was engaging in community, or maybe community-watching with the Slack project, but I ran all the way out of energy at some point. I suspect because the admin team shifted in a way where it was not entirely people I loved talking to, but also because the traffic (at the time) was trailing off and it felt like the people who exhausted me were starting to take up more of the airtime. And I was getting snappy and could see it and didn't want to go there at all. (TIL is now an acronym that I have to breathe my way past, because I always see it instead as "I read an article and I want you to know I read an article" despite what might be the author's honest desire to share a thing they learned. Though maybe it's frequency of use as well.)
It was a thing I think I was good at, and might be good at again if I can find a way to put the skills into use. I can absorb a whole lot of data about people, make connections, see places things might go wrong, share my concerns with fellow admins, talk about possible resolutions and sometimes even enact the result of those conversations. I also started to learn that I can see something as problematic, share it with people and when it's not seen as problematic by others, still bring a similar situation up again in the future rather than assuming I'm bad and wrong and my judgment is flawed. Still working on that, or working on the abstraction of that, since the particular situation isn't happening anymore. But, I ran out of things to observe, or interest in observing the thing readily available to me, and I wonder if before that, I was trying to do a similar thing with Primrose (which did not succeed at all), and before that observing Spark, which was a whole lot of information about a single small chaotic person - requiring some of the same processing power aimed differently.
There's something inside me I want to feed, that left to my own devices, is mostly fueled by trying to figure out all the ways something could go disastrously wrong and then get caught up in how trying to prevent those things might actually cause them to happen. But for now, more cross stitch and fiction and stalling on calling the dentist. Also, I think I might have run out of all the good lines from the music I listen to (patently not true), and am stuck in some weird internal mash up of watsky, soul coughing and 21 pilots songs, none of which strike the right note, but if you've got music you like/love, please please please recommend.
You're welcome to comment on LJ, but I'd rather you leave a comment on the Dreamwidth version of this entry. The current comment count is
.
I'm reading, a lot. I'm discovering that I'm much better at listening to audiobooks about modifying the challenging ways my brain works (thanks trauma!) if I also can occasionally go to the text to re-read. Logistically a little problematic, since I get all of my books out from the library, but it seems to be helping. I'm also consuming vast quantities of fiction, managing to whittle my tbr list (by creating a new tab in the spreadsheet titled "should want to" and moving all the books I've been leaving on the list but never want to read, but can't delete because maybe someday I'll want to) and continuing to flex my DNF muscles, while trying to remember that there are days when nothing will please me and it's not about any of the books themselves, I might love them on a different day.
I'm trying to start figuring out how to meet/find people to talk to, or reconnect with some of the ones I used to talk to. I think narrowed my world the fuck down so many years ago, I seem to remember having more people in my life, more things I did, but that might not even be true, it was just that I was working in an office and at least saw an assortment of people even if I only interacted with them there. I've identified a couple people I miss, tried to reach out, but realize I've forgotten how to have actual conversations. At this point, I'm not sure I remember what conversations are, or if I ever did anything other than watch movies and eat food with other people and sometimes make mouth noises that didn't really mean anything. It's not like I want to suddenly become an extrovert, but for someone who thinks a lot about how we'll all only thrive in this world by forming and inhabiting community, I'm definitely not seeking or creating it on a scale much larger than my house and I'd like to change that.
I was engaging in community, or maybe community-watching with the Slack project, but I ran all the way out of energy at some point. I suspect because the admin team shifted in a way where it was not entirely people I loved talking to, but also because the traffic (at the time) was trailing off and it felt like the people who exhausted me were starting to take up more of the airtime. And I was getting snappy and could see it and didn't want to go there at all. (TIL is now an acronym that I have to breathe my way past, because I always see it instead as "I read an article and I want you to know I read an article" despite what might be the author's honest desire to share a thing they learned. Though maybe it's frequency of use as well.)
It was a thing I think I was good at, and might be good at again if I can find a way to put the skills into use. I can absorb a whole lot of data about people, make connections, see places things might go wrong, share my concerns with fellow admins, talk about possible resolutions and sometimes even enact the result of those conversations. I also started to learn that I can see something as problematic, share it with people and when it's not seen as problematic by others, still bring a similar situation up again in the future rather than assuming I'm bad and wrong and my judgment is flawed. Still working on that, or working on the abstraction of that, since the particular situation isn't happening anymore. But, I ran out of things to observe, or interest in observing the thing readily available to me, and I wonder if before that, I was trying to do a similar thing with Primrose (which did not succeed at all), and before that observing Spark, which was a whole lot of information about a single small chaotic person - requiring some of the same processing power aimed differently.
There's something inside me I want to feed, that left to my own devices, is mostly fueled by trying to figure out all the ways something could go disastrously wrong and then get caught up in how trying to prevent those things might actually cause them to happen. But for now, more cross stitch and fiction and stalling on calling the dentist. Also, I think I might have run out of all the good lines from the music I listen to (patently not true), and am stuck in some weird internal mash up of watsky, soul coughing and 21 pilots songs, none of which strike the right note, but if you've got music you like/love, please please please recommend.
You're welcome to comment on LJ, but I'd rather you leave a comment on the Dreamwidth version of this entry. The current comment count is
.