"but this whale is pretty cool"
so, for the moment, some of the straight up pit of despair stuff has lifted. Not going to risk saying passed, but I'm at least a little more chill about a couple of things. Still not doing great with bed rest, still realizing/getting concrete proof of all of the ways I feel like I add value to the household, still realizing/getting proof of how much of the things I try to do to feel better or at least get out of my head even just enough to interrupt some of the spirals require the ability to independently move around the house. But Carly suggested trying some of those scented oils people use for headaches so now I've got both rosemary and peppermint scents to try next time. Which feels a little bit like my resilience needs smelling salts, but what have you.
Sure, I think I've finally graduated to being able to put my own brace on and crutch to the bathroom and back without any help, and can internally negotiate the desire for the feeling (maybe reality?) of additional safety a spotter gives me with the emotional boost that comes from not having to relyon someone else's help. And it's not even really the relying, I think, it's the hurdle of asking. I'm too much trained not to ask, too wary of whatever the lying in bed version of overstaying my welcome, even with the constant reinforcement that Light and Abundance give me that they don't mind, and it's part of being in a relationship, and I know that I'd do the same for them in a heartbeat, but still, I feel like I'm asking for food all the time.
I'm getting better at it, ice friend brings me enough comfort that I sometimes ask for it to be refilled up to three times a day and most days I even ask for tea. And I batch up handfuls of requests for the silly craft things I've left in the places I thought I'd want them, but actually really want them someplace else entirely. It feels dumb to have asking for something that I'd be willingly given be so hard to do, it's not like my usual refusal to ask for things because I'm afraid hearing no will shatter me and by that shattering, burden the person I'm asking. Or, worse, try to burden/manipulate them. These time it's just that I need something I can't walk to get and probably the closest to a no I'm going to get is "in a minute".
I still worry that admitting when I'm doing badly, that crying, is somehow an attempt to manipulate people into behaving in a way or doing a thing I want them to do that they don't want to. There's a pretty good chance that this is rooted in my father telling me I'm not going to get out of trouble or get my way whenever he saw me cry, but who knows? (she asked sarcastically). I still sometimes sob out into a pillow (and on a very rare occasion, a person) that I'm sorry, I'll be good after I've been crying too much or been too upset) which is high on the list of the loops I fall into when sobbing hard enough that I just start pleading with the universe.
We went on a drive on Saturday, I saw the ocean, and though there were some bumpy road bits, I got to see the outside and at one point, see, hear and smell the sea and i got to listen to more of Libertarian Walks into a Bear, and it was 100% worth the laborious and still-upsetting getting up and down the stairs.
Further proof of my increased equanimity is that my computer started charging and I just managed (for the moment) to decide that while the loss of the ability to play my games is quite distressing, I can adjust to using one of Abundance's "spare" computers for what I can still do with it and try to ride out the process of ordering a new power brick, seeing if that's the problem and if it's not, sending my computer out or getting a new one. I got a little agitated because I have stuck to it the last available-for-purchase Stasia B hopeless romantic sticker. (cool story, I once asked her after she took them out of her etsy store if she had any more, she wrote me back that she didn't and then surprise-sent me the original.) and for that matter, the only night in the woods sky cat sticker I could find. But, in general, even though it is totally my fault it's not working (I lost the last power brick when I put it somewhere safe when we sent the computer to Microcenter and have been working with a not-quite-right replacement, which has a somewhat fragile connection and so through lack-of-care, I have broken my computer), I'm much calmer about it than I have any right to expect myself to be.
I've even been occasionally sitting in a chair. I'm now allowed to, while sitting, unlock my brace all the way up to 90% and sit in chairs. And I even got an extra PT exercise today, though cautioned not to do too much of it.
I haven't quite gotten to the point of believing there's another side of this (or, to be fair, of the pandemic) enough to try to make anything more than the vaguest of plans, but I am starting to try to research the dizzying array of options of My First Gas Grill, a table and chairs and even lighting for our new porch. Oh, and trying to figure out exactly how many more ear piercings I want. (currently, I think the answer is two, but there's a chance it's four)
You're welcome to comment on LJ, but I'd rather you leave a comment on the Dreamwidth version of this entry. The current comment count is
.
Sure, I think I've finally graduated to being able to put my own brace on and crutch to the bathroom and back without any help, and can internally negotiate the desire for the feeling (maybe reality?) of additional safety a spotter gives me with the emotional boost that comes from not having to relyon someone else's help. And it's not even really the relying, I think, it's the hurdle of asking. I'm too much trained not to ask, too wary of whatever the lying in bed version of overstaying my welcome, even with the constant reinforcement that Light and Abundance give me that they don't mind, and it's part of being in a relationship, and I know that I'd do the same for them in a heartbeat, but still, I feel like I'm asking for food all the time.
I'm getting better at it, ice friend brings me enough comfort that I sometimes ask for it to be refilled up to three times a day and most days I even ask for tea. And I batch up handfuls of requests for the silly craft things I've left in the places I thought I'd want them, but actually really want them someplace else entirely. It feels dumb to have asking for something that I'd be willingly given be so hard to do, it's not like my usual refusal to ask for things because I'm afraid hearing no will shatter me and by that shattering, burden the person I'm asking. Or, worse, try to burden/manipulate them. These time it's just that I need something I can't walk to get and probably the closest to a no I'm going to get is "in a minute".
I still worry that admitting when I'm doing badly, that crying, is somehow an attempt to manipulate people into behaving in a way or doing a thing I want them to do that they don't want to. There's a pretty good chance that this is rooted in my father telling me I'm not going to get out of trouble or get my way whenever he saw me cry, but who knows? (she asked sarcastically). I still sometimes sob out into a pillow (and on a very rare occasion, a person) that I'm sorry, I'll be good after I've been crying too much or been too upset) which is high on the list of the loops I fall into when sobbing hard enough that I just start pleading with the universe.
We went on a drive on Saturday, I saw the ocean, and though there were some bumpy road bits, I got to see the outside and at one point, see, hear and smell the sea and i got to listen to more of Libertarian Walks into a Bear, and it was 100% worth the laborious and still-upsetting getting up and down the stairs.
Further proof of my increased equanimity is that my computer started charging and I just managed (for the moment) to decide that while the loss of the ability to play my games is quite distressing, I can adjust to using one of Abundance's "spare" computers for what I can still do with it and try to ride out the process of ordering a new power brick, seeing if that's the problem and if it's not, sending my computer out or getting a new one. I got a little agitated because I have stuck to it the last available-for-purchase Stasia B hopeless romantic sticker. (cool story, I once asked her after she took them out of her etsy store if she had any more, she wrote me back that she didn't and then surprise-sent me the original.) and for that matter, the only night in the woods sky cat sticker I could find. But, in general, even though it is totally my fault it's not working (I lost the last power brick when I put it somewhere safe when we sent the computer to Microcenter and have been working with a not-quite-right replacement, which has a somewhat fragile connection and so through lack-of-care, I have broken my computer), I'm much calmer about it than I have any right to expect myself to be.
I've even been occasionally sitting in a chair. I'm now allowed to, while sitting, unlock my brace all the way up to 90% and sit in chairs. And I even got an extra PT exercise today, though cautioned not to do too much of it.
I haven't quite gotten to the point of believing there's another side of this (or, to be fair, of the pandemic) enough to try to make anything more than the vaguest of plans, but I am starting to try to research the dizzying array of options of My First Gas Grill, a table and chairs and even lighting for our new porch. Oh, and trying to figure out exactly how many more ear piercings I want. (currently, I think the answer is two, but there's a chance it's four)
You're welcome to comment on LJ, but I'd rather you leave a comment on the Dreamwidth version of this entry. The current comment count is
.