These brambles/ our stumblings, our struggles
I swear some part of me thinks "you know what would make this emotionally difficult situation even more fun? disordered eating and fucked up sleep.
I'm still not through the panicky feelings when Abundance is on a date, I just move through this series of what is he going to do, what is he doing, what did he do and is he going to tell me about it. And I don't think it's a sex thing, I'm aware he's having sex on his dates, and I've tried to put minimal boundaries in place because I'm not sure I need them or that they're meaningful, but also because it's very hard to violate something that doesn't exist.
I should trust him. We've had bumps, but I feel like we've been together for a long time and much of it is good. Every angle I look at it from when I'm not activate is pretty much about the hard calculus of poly, which we've been living in, just in the opposite direction (me having multiple partners, him not). If I want to do all the things with him and he wants to do some of those things with other people, of course I'm going to feel insecure and hurt.
I haven't been able to ask about in advance about plans, or listen after the fact about how the dates went. I'm trying to be brave, I'm using up what I'm pretty sure all the brave I have on getting to where I've gotten and even if I need to get further, I don't know how to. So, he won't know if I don't want him to do something unless I anticipate the thing to ask for, because it's unreasonable to ask him to predict my feelings, and we're humans who sometimes forget things, or have conversations that we take different things from. So I think that means I'm either going to have to think through every single possibility to make sure I ask for it in advance or figure out how to be brave to first find out about his plans and then have what feels like the unmitigated gall to ask him to change his plans. And I still, after all these years, fear hearing no so much that I try not to ask questions I can't handle hearing all possible answers to.
What's the worst that could happen? I asked when my PCP proposed that I get tested for the BRCA gene.
I think we're a little bit stuck on the idea that him doing something with someone he is dating is different than him doing the same thing with someone he is not dating, and so I might be fine with him doing something with a friend that I'm not comfortable with him doing the same thing with a romantic partner. Which I guess makes it about sex, which seems contradictory, I have ace relationships, I know sex isn't what makes a relationship. So maybe it's just leftover baggage from previous relationships, things I've absorbed from swimming the sea of this culture even when I don't share the priorities the tv shows are showing me. Be better, omnia, then be better still.
My therapist talks about my history as generating many of my issues around trust, and feeling abandoned, and feeling like someone else getting chosen over me is dangerous. Yes, fine, fuck it, there's a straight line from my childhood to now. My parents blatantly favoring me over my little brothers and getting angry when I asked why (and on one memorable occasion, getting angry at me because one of my little brothers asked why) makes it hard for me to cope calmly with metamours. Having someone pick a night of the week to almost always be gone feels like being told to take care of myself, despite a) being an adult who does take care of themselves and b) having another partner home with me. Capricious parents sometimes make hypervigilant children who perpetually prepare for the worst outcomes. Everything that moves is a threat.
In hindsight, of course no longer talking to my parents didn't mean I got to stop dealing with the fallout, but I think some small part of me hoped that it would make things easier? It doesn't, I still had the same childhood, but it was strangely disappointing to realize I thought it might and realize it didn't.
I've got a UTI, which means the surgery has been pushed off some undetermined amount of time. I know it's not next Tuesday and I'll find out on Monday when it is scheduled for, but I'm guessing it could be postponed for anywhere between a week and two months (though thinking that makes me feel like I've guaranteed that it'll be four months). I feel like an idiot for being all upset about things, when I've gotten some mysterious amount of reprieve. I can simultaneously not at all want to have the surgery and be upset about not getting to have it.
You're welcome to comment on LJ, but I'd rather you leave a comment on the Dreamwidth version of this entry. The current comment count is
.
I'm still not through the panicky feelings when Abundance is on a date, I just move through this series of what is he going to do, what is he doing, what did he do and is he going to tell me about it. And I don't think it's a sex thing, I'm aware he's having sex on his dates, and I've tried to put minimal boundaries in place because I'm not sure I need them or that they're meaningful, but also because it's very hard to violate something that doesn't exist.
I should trust him. We've had bumps, but I feel like we've been together for a long time and much of it is good. Every angle I look at it from when I'm not activate is pretty much about the hard calculus of poly, which we've been living in, just in the opposite direction (me having multiple partners, him not). If I want to do all the things with him and he wants to do some of those things with other people, of course I'm going to feel insecure and hurt.
I haven't been able to ask about in advance about plans, or listen after the fact about how the dates went. I'm trying to be brave, I'm using up what I'm pretty sure all the brave I have on getting to where I've gotten and even if I need to get further, I don't know how to. So, he won't know if I don't want him to do something unless I anticipate the thing to ask for, because it's unreasonable to ask him to predict my feelings, and we're humans who sometimes forget things, or have conversations that we take different things from. So I think that means I'm either going to have to think through every single possibility to make sure I ask for it in advance or figure out how to be brave to first find out about his plans and then have what feels like the unmitigated gall to ask him to change his plans. And I still, after all these years, fear hearing no so much that I try not to ask questions I can't handle hearing all possible answers to.
What's the worst that could happen? I asked when my PCP proposed that I get tested for the BRCA gene.
I think we're a little bit stuck on the idea that him doing something with someone he is dating is different than him doing the same thing with someone he is not dating, and so I might be fine with him doing something with a friend that I'm not comfortable with him doing the same thing with a romantic partner. Which I guess makes it about sex, which seems contradictory, I have ace relationships, I know sex isn't what makes a relationship. So maybe it's just leftover baggage from previous relationships, things I've absorbed from swimming the sea of this culture even when I don't share the priorities the tv shows are showing me. Be better, omnia, then be better still.
My therapist talks about my history as generating many of my issues around trust, and feeling abandoned, and feeling like someone else getting chosen over me is dangerous. Yes, fine, fuck it, there's a straight line from my childhood to now. My parents blatantly favoring me over my little brothers and getting angry when I asked why (and on one memorable occasion, getting angry at me because one of my little brothers asked why) makes it hard for me to cope calmly with metamours. Having someone pick a night of the week to almost always be gone feels like being told to take care of myself, despite a) being an adult who does take care of themselves and b) having another partner home with me. Capricious parents sometimes make hypervigilant children who perpetually prepare for the worst outcomes. Everything that moves is a threat.
In hindsight, of course no longer talking to my parents didn't mean I got to stop dealing with the fallout, but I think some small part of me hoped that it would make things easier? It doesn't, I still had the same childhood, but it was strangely disappointing to realize I thought it might and realize it didn't.
I've got a UTI, which means the surgery has been pushed off some undetermined amount of time. I know it's not next Tuesday and I'll find out on Monday when it is scheduled for, but I'm guessing it could be postponed for anywhere between a week and two months (though thinking that makes me feel like I've guaranteed that it'll be four months). I feel like an idiot for being all upset about things, when I've gotten some mysterious amount of reprieve. I can simultaneously not at all want to have the surgery and be upset about not getting to have it.
You're welcome to comment on LJ, but I'd rather you leave a comment on the Dreamwidth version of this entry. The current comment count is
.