(no subject)
Once again, I'm sure that my inability to retain things that happen or get thought during moments of emotional distress is the closest thing to agnostic mercy my brain can manufacture. But sometimes the whole "oh, right, this" makes me feel like I'm never going to learn anything, never going to get better, for whatever value of better I'm aiming at.
So, I'm sometimes back at the make it to noon, make it to midnight place. Though it doesn't feel about something specific, I can look back and see the things I've used to try to make existing as a person in the world feel easier and for the most part, soundly reject them. They haven't lost all of their appeal, exactly, but they've lost enough of it that I can tell myself that they're avenues down which I do not care to go.
But noon, midnight. And then again. There's despair and comfort in the repetition. If I string enough of these together, I'll either feel better, or get better at feeling this way.
It's not like it's all doom and gloom, there are still wonderful things, there are whole days when I don't have this empty panicky feeling, I remain completely unaware of my heartbeat, my stomach doesn't hurt, my fingers don't get cold. Fuck, there are whole days on end that I don't cry for.
There's medication changes, I'm talking to my therapist, to Light, to Abundance, Nonsense will even sometimes tolerate being cried upon. It would be worse without any of these things, I'm sure. It also feels like it's not better enough to be tolerable some days, and that the balance of those days to the other kind is unsustainable, except I'll keep sustaining it.
But I'm not even sure what set me off this morning, I can't pinpoint it being either about Abundance dating or about the fact that I'm having surgery in 20 days. ( Like tattoos, I think I've become unable to count my surgeries. I think this will be nine, not counting any of the dental bullshit. )
So today I got the will she/won't she question out of the way early, cried in the shower, and went to go have pastries with I & S (despite sunscreen and haze), I got too much sun, and maybe I'll see Delight and Spark.
You're welcome to comment on LJ, but I'd rather you leave a comment on the Dreamwidth version of this entry. The current comment count is
.
So, I'm sometimes back at the make it to noon, make it to midnight place. Though it doesn't feel about something specific, I can look back and see the things I've used to try to make existing as a person in the world feel easier and for the most part, soundly reject them. They haven't lost all of their appeal, exactly, but they've lost enough of it that I can tell myself that they're avenues down which I do not care to go.
But noon, midnight. And then again. There's despair and comfort in the repetition. If I string enough of these together, I'll either feel better, or get better at feeling this way.
It's not like it's all doom and gloom, there are still wonderful things, there are whole days when I don't have this empty panicky feeling, I remain completely unaware of my heartbeat, my stomach doesn't hurt, my fingers don't get cold. Fuck, there are whole days on end that I don't cry for.
There's medication changes, I'm talking to my therapist, to Light, to Abundance, Nonsense will even sometimes tolerate being cried upon. It would be worse without any of these things, I'm sure. It also feels like it's not better enough to be tolerable some days, and that the balance of those days to the other kind is unsustainable, except I'll keep sustaining it.
But I'm not even sure what set me off this morning, I can't pinpoint it being either about Abundance dating or about the fact that I'm having surgery in 20 days. ( Like tattoos, I think I've become unable to count my surgeries. I think this will be nine, not counting any of the dental bullshit. )
So today I got the will she/won't she question out of the way early, cried in the shower, and went to go have pastries with I & S (despite sunscreen and haze), I got too much sun, and maybe I'll see Delight and Spark.
You're welcome to comment on LJ, but I'd rather you leave a comment on the Dreamwidth version of this entry. The current comment count is
.