"a silly time to learn to swim"
Abundance's on a date, third week in a row. Not handling it well, kind of just want to run out of tears and hit the numb other side. Not sure what I'm afraid of, keep trying to get to the bottom of it and there's just more sad and scared underneath. Am I afraid of being left? Probably, but isn't everyone? And I'm guessing I'm equally abandonable whether or not he's dating anyone else. Are there parts of our relationship that we used to have that I miss and think I'd like back? Definitely. If he's less motivated to work on them because he's dating someone new, that's one problem, and if I'm less motivated to work on them because he's dating someone new, that's a similar but different problem. We've mismatched before, and I'm not sure if we've worked it out or just endured.
I'm not sure what shape things take next, I'm so fucking up in my feelings that I don't want to deal with him on the lead up to his dates, or after he comes home from them. He doesn't feel safe, and I can't identify what's making it unsafe, but by the time I'm feeling unsafe, I'm already not exactly my best self. But not being able to think is probably part of why I'm feeling unsafe. It's like when I'm upset, my stomach hurts too much to eat, and when I'm hungry, it's harder to deal with my emotions. so, there's that too.
I keep coming back to the idea of wanting retaliatory NRE, despite Abundance being pretty circumspect about his feelings about the person he's dating. I suspect I want to feel like I'm making choices rather than dealing with the repercussions of other people's choices. Rudderless, again, I guess. Not going to pursue that for a bunch of reasons, I told Abundance I was barely making it on this difficulty level, I can't imagine any good could come of making things harder. And while this is entirely the wrong framework, I can't imagine trying to convince someone else I'm a good...risk? bet? use of energy? when I believe that's a straight up lie.
There are some things I say when I'm really upset, and I almost always regret them afterwards (except for when I say them to my therapist) but in the moment, I desperately want to know. And last night I asked Abundance how real people deal with their feelings when they're tired of feeling them. He (of course) assured me that I'm real, and in my heart I know that I've probably caught up on like 60% of the skills I whiffed on acquiring by relying instead on mostly vodka instead and that I'd never tell another alcoholic that they were imaginary, but that's never stopped me from feeling like there's a way to be a fraud at existence.
Light's at the emergency vet with Noodle, who probably has kennel cough, but it's way too soon after Noisy's death for me to have even the tiniest bit of chill about any of the animals being unwell. I'm waiting on getting and MRI scheduled for my knee, but at least the xray was clear and the orthopedist didn't just say "well, you're fat and old and you fell, welcome to it hurting when you walk for the rest of your life."
I tried attending body positivity/self-acceptance series of classes that Mary Lambert is doing online. This week the affirmations we were supposed to repeat included the line "I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time" and while there were seventeen other things that I couldn't bring myself to repeat, that's the one that made me unable to breathe for a bit. Other probably trite sayings that felt a little bit like being hit with a baseball bat of kindness included "My body will always be my home" "I am enough as I am right now" "I do not deserve anxiety" So, that didn't work.
You're welcome to comment on LJ, but I'd rather you leave a comment on the Dreamwidth version of this entry. The current comment count is
.
I'm not sure what shape things take next, I'm so fucking up in my feelings that I don't want to deal with him on the lead up to his dates, or after he comes home from them. He doesn't feel safe, and I can't identify what's making it unsafe, but by the time I'm feeling unsafe, I'm already not exactly my best self. But not being able to think is probably part of why I'm feeling unsafe. It's like when I'm upset, my stomach hurts too much to eat, and when I'm hungry, it's harder to deal with my emotions. so, there's that too.
I keep coming back to the idea of wanting retaliatory NRE, despite Abundance being pretty circumspect about his feelings about the person he's dating. I suspect I want to feel like I'm making choices rather than dealing with the repercussions of other people's choices. Rudderless, again, I guess. Not going to pursue that for a bunch of reasons, I told Abundance I was barely making it on this difficulty level, I can't imagine any good could come of making things harder. And while this is entirely the wrong framework, I can't imagine trying to convince someone else I'm a good...risk? bet? use of energy? when I believe that's a straight up lie.
There are some things I say when I'm really upset, and I almost always regret them afterwards (except for when I say them to my therapist) but in the moment, I desperately want to know. And last night I asked Abundance how real people deal with their feelings when they're tired of feeling them. He (of course) assured me that I'm real, and in my heart I know that I've probably caught up on like 60% of the skills I whiffed on acquiring by relying instead on mostly vodka instead and that I'd never tell another alcoholic that they were imaginary, but that's never stopped me from feeling like there's a way to be a fraud at existence.
Light's at the emergency vet with Noodle, who probably has kennel cough, but it's way too soon after Noisy's death for me to have even the tiniest bit of chill about any of the animals being unwell. I'm waiting on getting and MRI scheduled for my knee, but at least the xray was clear and the orthopedist didn't just say "well, you're fat and old and you fell, welcome to it hurting when you walk for the rest of your life."
I tried attending body positivity/self-acceptance series of classes that Mary Lambert is doing online. This week the affirmations we were supposed to repeat included the line "I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time" and while there were seventeen other things that I couldn't bring myself to repeat, that's the one that made me unable to breathe for a bit. Other probably trite sayings that felt a little bit like being hit with a baseball bat of kindness included "My body will always be my home" "I am enough as I am right now" "I do not deserve anxiety" So, that didn't work.
You're welcome to comment on LJ, but I'd rather you leave a comment on the Dreamwidth version of this entry. The current comment count is
.