I've become so numb...:(

[ominoustears]

I feel really...I dunnuh. Just beyond calm.Worn Out.Hopeless. I had another sleepless night where I cried myself to sleep. I've been trying so hard to hold on to some strength & hope.But I honestly feel myself falling even deeper.Im trying so hard not to give up,but how can I keep trying when deep down I know I already have?:( Brasco said 'Im losin it'...Hes wrong~cuz I 'lost' it long ago.Its weird.The struggle simply for sanity.Im so tired of it.Im tired of life.Pain and misery is embedded within me...and has become a part of me.Even when I try to be happy...because depression has become me-It is all I know.Its who I am.And no matter how hard I try,how happy I get & what pills im on...Its useless.I feel as if Im not meant to be happy.That Im meant to live in sorrow forever.Thoughts to hurt myself & end my life scare me.They wont leave my thoughts.I push them out,yet they continue to linger in the back of my brain.I seem now to not wanna wear anything but black.My soul is turning black...as is my heart.:( And yesh,I know~'I need some fuckin help'...but who can honestly help me now?Im just...*shrugs shoulders*...beyond confusion.Beyond giving up...Beyond it all.Sometimes I cant even cry.:( I've become so used to the pain;its just not there.Im honestly just becoming...numb. The only profound love and happiness I feel still in my heart is for Stephanie.Shes my 'sister'.This past year I would have died and been even more lost without her.I thanked her today for being there.For treating me like family.Shes the only person I have,and I appreciate it more than she'll ever know.And now..now Im moving away.:( *sighs* *wipes tear(I wish would fall) away* sad,no? Ughh My emotions and mind are at a halt.I cant show them.I cant scream.I cant cut.I cant cry...My thoughts~you know when your so beyond confused ur brain just shuts up?Thats mine now...I feel only...Loneliness.Sorrow.Hopelessness.Despair...??
Rawrrr..Everyone can Choke on a pretzel today!I need a coowkie!:( Im a sadded lil co0wkie monster with no coowkies.*gasp* This really is a catastrophe..lol Im s0o hungwy...goodness.Well,i suppose I hope everyone has a nice day and feels better than I do.One Life...One Love...Live strong? :) Yesh...Toodles.