(Untitled)
I don't know what I'm supposed to say anymore. I used to have a comeback for everything, and people came to me with their problems. Now I have to suck everything up, because when I'm down or need someone to talk to everyone tells me about how other people would react in my situation
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but that I'm doubting myself.
I'm not sure how to handle a real "relationship". I tell you that and you think I'm full of shit. You treat me better than anyone I've ever been with. Granted I don't like how you raise your voice to me (even though you don't seem to realize it) and often use harsh tones with me. I can put up with most of the sarcasm. Only because you seem to be able to match my own. I do some things because I don't know how to react to certain situations. You know that I can't handle pressure and obviously think of the worst possible outcome to any situation. Though most times I seek it.
I hate to say this...but I realize I try to use a lot against you. When I feel threatened, I will use what you say and how you feel against you. Something that Ben used to do to me all of the time. I hate that I am painting the perfect portrait of my relationship with him...being with you. I don't know exactly why...I don't know why I do a lot of things. But, I don't want us to be anything but the two people that we are. Maybe I'm just crazy. Or maybe it is because being with him was the closest thing I ever knew of Love. Until I met you. Now I'm beginning to wonder if I've ever really loved anyone else. It's so much of a good thing that it scares me. I do not want to lose you. I can't. I want to trust you and I am trying. But you have to trust me.
You want me to be myself. But, do you really? When you met me you didn't know me but knew a rude drunk. Do u want that? Being myself is hard...if I really want people to like me. Not that I'm trying to be anyone but me. Just a lesser version of myself because I don't know if myself or anyone else can handle the person I really am. Or just who I am without restrictions. It sounds dumb. But it isn't funny at all.
I am willing to try. I mean it. I know I haven't been trying. I've just been trying to piss you off. You see my insecurities. They're all laid out. I hate it. But I can try to overcome a lot of my weaknesses. You're my biggest one. So if we're going to be together I have a lot of "issues" I need to work out on my own. But it doesn't mean I can't have a relationship with you and try to sort out my own problems. I just don't want to create another one in the process.
I love you more than anyone I've ever and probably will ever love in my life. I would marry you Ryan. Something I never thought I would say. So...I will make sure not to ever hurt you intentionally. Never mind what has happened, it is in the past. I'm telling you this now. Please don't wear a plastic smile for me. Because all that is doing is setting yourself up for an explosion and I think I know who would be the detonator. I'll do all I can to keep this from happening. We have a future together. As uncertain as you are...I know it's promising.
I love you Ryan.
- *eMMy
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