An update overdue...emo-tional
Ok. Well I've been so down these past few days. I cry every night thinking I would change things but so far I haven't done anything. I feel I have been punished. Number 1: I haven't reached any of my academic goals. Number 2: My heart is empty. Number 3: My life is nothing but an empty box full of cobwebs. I am such a loser. I've become a myspace freak. I go on there endlessly searching for something that is not there. I should be doing something better with my time than wasting my time staring at the computer screen, worsening my eyesight. Same shit, different day is how i see it. I feel I have been punished by God. I walk around with my head down with nothing but emptiness and darkness. I look down with shame and embarrassment. The only person I've cheated is myself. I have deprived myself of the many great things in life. I'm so scared... My bestfriend will finally be settled in a different location. She'll obviously visit but not as often as before. She is my only true friend. Who else will I run to and confide in. Who will I call and hang out with when I am alone. I feel so torn. I feel cold and tired. Sometimes I stare out into the distance and dig deep inside myself to find hope, a way, a beacon of light, a sign to know I have something to look forward to...to know that when I wake up the next day that I have something to live for. I want that breath of fresh air, a new feeling, and new view of life where I can finally say, "This is it. This is good. This is right. This is me." I just want close my eyes, block out all noises, hear nothing but my breathing, get away from reality, and just cry everything out. Just cry to myself, why. Pour out everything i feel...wishing and praying that evetying will be alright. I Just have to remember breathe and remember to not sweat out the little things in life. I've been reminded of the quote, "When one dooor closes another wll open." I just hope that the next door that opens, is the one i've been waiting for.