If you get mad at self loathing entries then don't even bother reading this

[omgseany]

Things that I am unhappy about right now:

1. My dad not having faith in me
2. My dad’s lack of compassion towards others
3. My parents lack of support in my college search and in my life
4. My fear of disappointing my parents
5. My lack of drive
6. My insecurities
7. My constant need for something better
8. My need to compare my life to those around me
9. My fear of rejection
10. Not knowing if I am good enough to pursue my passion
11. Having to hide what I really want because I don’t even approve of it
12. Being able to shut away my feelings and emotions without anyone knowing
13. My life in general

Right now in my life I need guidance and a helping hand, but I am too afraid and unwilling to ask for it because I am afraid of being weak. I am afraid to have to ask for help from my friends and my parents are too preoccupied in their own worlds to even notice. My mom is too busy with her new job to help and my dad is too busy hating himself and his job and the circumstances in which he lives to even show the slightest bit of interest. And I am sure none of you even knew this was going on because I am so unbelievably good at hiding my true feelings. I am completely lost and I am spiraling into a black hole that will eventually lead me to the same place my brother Chris is at right at this moment and all I know is that I don’t want that for myself.

The undesirable things about me:
1.     I am unreliable
2.     I cannot make people feel better when they are down
3.     I am pursuing a passion that I am not talented enough to pursue
4.     I bottle up my feelings and rarely share them
5.     I pretend to be strong when I am probably weaker than everyone I know
6.     I am an awful student (grades are a complete and total fallacy)
7.     I have no insight into who I am or where I am going in life

To Kelly: No matter what you say you are someone who I entirely look up to and could never live without because you are the only person who keeps me going. No matter what you say, I am not half the person you are

To everyone else: Sorry for this entry being so stupid and emo…I know I usually hate these entries and I know some of you probably are reading this thinking that I am just a big ass drama queen and if you are thinking that well then fuck you because when am I ever like this other than now!!!!!!