Chapter Ten
CHAPTER TEN: IN WHICH I HAVE DECIDED I MUST BE UP TO A TOTAL OF THIRTY THOUSAND WORDS BY THE END OF THIS CHAPTER. BE EXCITED!!!
I wonder if I can get to thirty thousand real words by… four thirty? It is currently three thirty seven. I say, LET’S GIVE IT A GO!!!
So the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! continued on their way. They had enjoyed being able to not have to walk for the ten minutes it took to ascend the canyon, but now they had to walk again. It is a tough life for an epic journeyer. No, sorry, Microsoft Word and your little squiggly red line. I want to use the word “journeyer”. Why is “journeyers” and word, and “journeyer” is not? I guess, instead, I could use the words “people who take epic journeys”. It would make the spell check happier, and also use more words. Let’s try this paragraph again.
So the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! continued on their way. They had enjoyed being able to not have to walk for the ten minutes it had taken to ascend the canyon, but now they had to walk again. It is a tough life for a person who makes epic journeys. (Yeah!)
“I wonder what sort of strange and unusual task we will have to undertake next?” Sian the half human, half robot wondered aloud. “I hope that it is something to do with food. I am getting kind of hungry, and I am sick of eating apples.”
“Good!” Andrew the Apple Eater said. “I am sick of SHARING my apples with you.”
Luckily for both Sian the half human, half robot and Andrew the Apple Eater, the next strange and unusual task DID have to do with food! Unfortunately, it also involved racing a giant polar bear to a bucket of spaghetti, too. Because one, giant polar bears run rampant through the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy, and also two, they really, really, really like spaghetti.
Now, although it would make for a good use of words, the actual lead up to the race - that is, how they met the giant polar bear, why there was a bucket of spaghetti to be raced for, why the giant polar bear did not turn on them and rip them limb from limb (would a giant polar bear do that? This one would), and why there was a giant polar bear in the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy anyway - will not be recorded for the sake of posterity in this novel.
However, to catch you up, the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! were walking in the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy, as we have known them to do before, and they met a giant polar bear. One thing led to another, and soon, Eleanor the Electric and the giant polar bear were at the starting line, waiting to begin their race to the bucket of spaghetti.
“Ready, set-y, go!
Run, Eleanor th’Electric!
Run at lightning speed!” Lucy the Literate said. She was the one who was calling the start of the race. And a mighty fine job of it she did too, might I add. Perhaps after the defeat of Scott the evil robot, Lucy the Literate should take up a career in race calling?
It was neck and neck, for the first lap. Eleanor the Electric and the giant polar bear ran at the exact same pace.
The giant polar bear tried to speed up, but so did Eleanor the Electric. And she could speed up even faster than that giant polar bear. And Eleanor the Electric reached the bucket of spaghetti first. Hoorah for Eleanor the Electric! The NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! had spaghetti for dinner! And lots of it!!!
While they - the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! - were feasting (incidentally, is it not odd that the words “feasting” and “fasting” are spelt so similarly? Odd, no? Coincidence? Or conspiracy?) on the spaghetti, Sian the half human, half robot, noticed that the giant polar bear was sitting a little way off, looking horribly depressed, and a wee bit hungry. Sian took a huge handful of spaghetti to the giant polar bear, and offered it up to him. Instantly, he stopped his giant polar bear tears, and smiled. “Thankyou, Sian the half human, half robot. You are the kindest half human, half robot I ever have had the chance to meet. Well, you are the only half human, half robot I have ever had the chance to meet, but I bet that if I had met more, you would be the nicest.”
Except he did not say it like that, because he was a giant polar bear. And instead he said it like, “Grr, grr, grr grr grr. Growly, growly, grr. Rawr, grr, rawr, growly. Rawr rawr rawr rawr rawr rawr rawr rawr. Grr, grr, growly, grr. Rawr, grr, growly rawr. Rah rah rah rah rah, rawr, rah, rah, grr. Growly. Grr, growly, rawr, rah, growly.”
But Sian the half human, half robot understood the sentiment regardless, and invited the giant polar bear to share the rest of their spaghetti with them.
The NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! learnt something that night. They learnt, that night, that if they had just offered to share the bucket of spaghetti with the giant polar bear in the first place, they could all have won, without even racing. They learnt, that night, the true meaning of Christmas.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy, Scott the evil robot knew nothing of the true meaning of Christmas, and also he was kind of made of evil. He was continuing to put into action his plan for World Domination, and becoming the All Powerful Overlord of the Planet Earth, and Any Other Planets Which He May Come to Take Power Of. All Powerful Overlord of the Planet Earth, and Any Other Planets of Which he May Come to Take Power. At this current moment he was planning his revenge on the Murray cod. Poor Murray cod. It was not their fault that they had rained from the sky. Why HAD they rained from the sky, anyway? That is not a common occurrence. And might I just say, thank goodness for that! Imagine! Murray cod, raining from the sky!!
Well, I guess Murray cod would be better than giant squids raining from the sky. Or Murray cod raining from the ground. Now THAT would just be completely and utterly weird and ridiculous, not to mention altogether uncomfortable, and not particularly pleasant, for everyone involved. Murray cod raining from the walls would be eeky too. Especially if it were a heavy rain. It would be like scores and scores of Murray cod, spearing themselves, launching themselves, at you. Not only would that smell really, really gross, but I can only imagine that lots and lots of Murray cod flinging themselves at your person at a high velocity would hurt more than a wee little bit.
Anyway, thinking about Murray cod raining is making me feel a wee little bit squicky. So let us return to the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy, and the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!!
As the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! were sharing the spaghetti with the giant polar bear, Sian the half human, half robot sneezed.
“Bless you, Sian the half human, half robot,” India said.
“Thankyou, India,” replied Sian the half human, half robot.
“Bless you, Sian the half
Human, half robot. Bless you.
Bless you and your sneeze,” said Lucy the Literate.
“Thankyou, Lucy the Literate,” replied Sian the half human, half robot.
“Bless you, Sian the half human, half robot,” said Andrew the Apple Eater.
“Thankyou, Andrew the Apple Eater,” Sian the half human, half robot replied.
“Bless you, Sian the half human, half robot,” Eleanor the Electric said.
“Thankyou, Eleanor the Electric,” Sian the half human, half robot said.
“Growly rawr rawr rawr,” said the giant polar bear, which translated into English as “Bless you, Sian the half human, half robot.
“Thankyou, giant polar bear,” replied Sian the half human, half robot. Which translated into “Rawr, rah, rah, grr,” in giant polar bearnese.
Hmm. There are still about four hundred words until I can draw this chapter to a close. That is a little upsetting. Typity, typity, typity, type. I wonder what I am having for dinner. I wonder if it will be spaghetti, like the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!!? Oh, I might have the left over ravioli that I made the other day. Yesterday, I think it was. Yes, it was yesterday. It was spinach and ricotta ravioli, and then I made a white cheese sauce to go with it. With mushrooms and creamed corn. Yum, yum, yum. Yes, I think that I will have that for dinner.
Still about three hundred words to get to thirty thousand words, and only twenty thousand until the complete finish. Ha! Only twenty thousand words. Easy, right? Of course. Did you ever notice that the name NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! sounds really aggressive? Especially when they are meant to be the good guys. That is a little worrying. But I think that it is too late to change it now. We will call it confidence, instead of aggression. The NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! is just a confident name. Confident, and not at all evil.
About two hundred words to go for this chapter. Ooh, I need to tape Glee, tonight. I still have not watched last week’s episode of Glee. This is not good. Perhaps I will watch both episodes of Glee on Tuesday. Tuesday the first of December. When it is no longer November, the novelling month. WOW, when did this year fly past so quickly! Since when have I graduated? Since when have I finished exams? Well, I graduated on Tuesday… and I finished my exams today last week… But they were meant to be rhetorical questions. Is it “rhetorical” or “rhetoric” questions? I should ask someone that.
About a hundred words to go for this chapter. The big one zero zero. Ha, I sound like Scott the evil robot, and his binary speaking ways. But, no, I am just pointing out that there are now less than one hundred words until the end of this chapter. The end of this particular bout of babbling. Do not worry, do not fret, do not be concerned, though. There will be plenty more babbling where this has come from!!! From where this has come. There will be plenty more babbling from where this has come!!!
Ha, the end of that paragraph was twenty nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine words. And now I can end this chapter.
I wonder if I can get to thirty thousand real words by… four thirty? It is currently three thirty seven. I say, LET’S GIVE IT A GO!!!
So the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! continued on their way. They had enjoyed being able to not have to walk for the ten minutes it took to ascend the canyon, but now they had to walk again. It is a tough life for an epic journeyer. No, sorry, Microsoft Word and your little squiggly red line. I want to use the word “journeyer”. Why is “journeyers” and word, and “journeyer” is not? I guess, instead, I could use the words “people who take epic journeys”. It would make the spell check happier, and also use more words. Let’s try this paragraph again.
So the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! continued on their way. They had enjoyed being able to not have to walk for the ten minutes it had taken to ascend the canyon, but now they had to walk again. It is a tough life for a person who makes epic journeys. (Yeah!)
“I wonder what sort of strange and unusual task we will have to undertake next?” Sian the half human, half robot wondered aloud. “I hope that it is something to do with food. I am getting kind of hungry, and I am sick of eating apples.”
“Good!” Andrew the Apple Eater said. “I am sick of SHARING my apples with you.”
Luckily for both Sian the half human, half robot and Andrew the Apple Eater, the next strange and unusual task DID have to do with food! Unfortunately, it also involved racing a giant polar bear to a bucket of spaghetti, too. Because one, giant polar bears run rampant through the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy, and also two, they really, really, really like spaghetti.
Now, although it would make for a good use of words, the actual lead up to the race - that is, how they met the giant polar bear, why there was a bucket of spaghetti to be raced for, why the giant polar bear did not turn on them and rip them limb from limb (would a giant polar bear do that? This one would), and why there was a giant polar bear in the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy anyway - will not be recorded for the sake of posterity in this novel.
However, to catch you up, the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! were walking in the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy, as we have known them to do before, and they met a giant polar bear. One thing led to another, and soon, Eleanor the Electric and the giant polar bear were at the starting line, waiting to begin their race to the bucket of spaghetti.
“Ready, set-y, go!
Run, Eleanor th’Electric!
Run at lightning speed!” Lucy the Literate said. She was the one who was calling the start of the race. And a mighty fine job of it she did too, might I add. Perhaps after the defeat of Scott the evil robot, Lucy the Literate should take up a career in race calling?
It was neck and neck, for the first lap. Eleanor the Electric and the giant polar bear ran at the exact same pace.
The giant polar bear tried to speed up, but so did Eleanor the Electric. And she could speed up even faster than that giant polar bear. And Eleanor the Electric reached the bucket of spaghetti first. Hoorah for Eleanor the Electric! The NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! had spaghetti for dinner! And lots of it!!!
While they - the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! - were feasting (incidentally, is it not odd that the words “feasting” and “fasting” are spelt so similarly? Odd, no? Coincidence? Or conspiracy?) on the spaghetti, Sian the half human, half robot, noticed that the giant polar bear was sitting a little way off, looking horribly depressed, and a wee bit hungry. Sian took a huge handful of spaghetti to the giant polar bear, and offered it up to him. Instantly, he stopped his giant polar bear tears, and smiled. “Thankyou, Sian the half human, half robot. You are the kindest half human, half robot I ever have had the chance to meet. Well, you are the only half human, half robot I have ever had the chance to meet, but I bet that if I had met more, you would be the nicest.”
Except he did not say it like that, because he was a giant polar bear. And instead he said it like, “Grr, grr, grr grr grr. Growly, growly, grr. Rawr, grr, rawr, growly. Rawr rawr rawr rawr rawr rawr rawr rawr. Grr, grr, growly, grr. Rawr, grr, growly rawr. Rah rah rah rah rah, rawr, rah, rah, grr. Growly. Grr, growly, rawr, rah, growly.”
But Sian the half human, half robot understood the sentiment regardless, and invited the giant polar bear to share the rest of their spaghetti with them.
The NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! learnt something that night. They learnt, that night, that if they had just offered to share the bucket of spaghetti with the giant polar bear in the first place, they could all have won, without even racing. They learnt, that night, the true meaning of Christmas.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy, Scott the evil robot knew nothing of the true meaning of Christmas, and also he was kind of made of evil. He was continuing to put into action his plan for World Domination, and becoming the All Powerful Overlord of the Planet Earth, and Any Other Planets Which He May Come to Take Power Of. All Powerful Overlord of the Planet Earth, and Any Other Planets of Which he May Come to Take Power. At this current moment he was planning his revenge on the Murray cod. Poor Murray cod. It was not their fault that they had rained from the sky. Why HAD they rained from the sky, anyway? That is not a common occurrence. And might I just say, thank goodness for that! Imagine! Murray cod, raining from the sky!!
Well, I guess Murray cod would be better than giant squids raining from the sky. Or Murray cod raining from the ground. Now THAT would just be completely and utterly weird and ridiculous, not to mention altogether uncomfortable, and not particularly pleasant, for everyone involved. Murray cod raining from the walls would be eeky too. Especially if it were a heavy rain. It would be like scores and scores of Murray cod, spearing themselves, launching themselves, at you. Not only would that smell really, really gross, but I can only imagine that lots and lots of Murray cod flinging themselves at your person at a high velocity would hurt more than a wee little bit.
Anyway, thinking about Murray cod raining is making me feel a wee little bit squicky. So let us return to the Harmless and Light Forest of Kindness and Joy, and the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!!
As the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! were sharing the spaghetti with the giant polar bear, Sian the half human, half robot sneezed.
“Bless you, Sian the half human, half robot,” India said.
“Thankyou, India,” replied Sian the half human, half robot.
“Bless you, Sian the half
Human, half robot. Bless you.
Bless you and your sneeze,” said Lucy the Literate.
“Thankyou, Lucy the Literate,” replied Sian the half human, half robot.
“Bless you, Sian the half human, half robot,” said Andrew the Apple Eater.
“Thankyou, Andrew the Apple Eater,” Sian the half human, half robot replied.
“Bless you, Sian the half human, half robot,” Eleanor the Electric said.
“Thankyou, Eleanor the Electric,” Sian the half human, half robot said.
“Growly rawr rawr rawr,” said the giant polar bear, which translated into English as “Bless you, Sian the half human, half robot.
“Thankyou, giant polar bear,” replied Sian the half human, half robot. Which translated into “Rawr, rah, rah, grr,” in giant polar bearnese.
Hmm. There are still about four hundred words until I can draw this chapter to a close. That is a little upsetting. Typity, typity, typity, type. I wonder what I am having for dinner. I wonder if it will be spaghetti, like the NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!!? Oh, I might have the left over ravioli that I made the other day. Yesterday, I think it was. Yes, it was yesterday. It was spinach and ricotta ravioli, and then I made a white cheese sauce to go with it. With mushrooms and creamed corn. Yum, yum, yum. Yes, I think that I will have that for dinner.
Still about three hundred words to get to thirty thousand words, and only twenty thousand until the complete finish. Ha! Only twenty thousand words. Easy, right? Of course. Did you ever notice that the name NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! sounds really aggressive? Especially when they are meant to be the good guys. That is a little worrying. But I think that it is too late to change it now. We will call it confidence, instead of aggression. The NEW AND IMPROVED PENTAGON OF POWER, MUHAHAHA!!! is just a confident name. Confident, and not at all evil.
About two hundred words to go for this chapter. Ooh, I need to tape Glee, tonight. I still have not watched last week’s episode of Glee. This is not good. Perhaps I will watch both episodes of Glee on Tuesday. Tuesday the first of December. When it is no longer November, the novelling month. WOW, when did this year fly past so quickly! Since when have I graduated? Since when have I finished exams? Well, I graduated on Tuesday… and I finished my exams today last week… But they were meant to be rhetorical questions. Is it “rhetorical” or “rhetoric” questions? I should ask someone that.
About a hundred words to go for this chapter. The big one zero zero. Ha, I sound like Scott the evil robot, and his binary speaking ways. But, no, I am just pointing out that there are now less than one hundred words until the end of this chapter. The end of this particular bout of babbling. Do not worry, do not fret, do not be concerned, though. There will be plenty more babbling where this has come from!!! From where this has come. There will be plenty more babbling from where this has come!!!
Ha, the end of that paragraph was twenty nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine words. And now I can end this chapter.