Srs post is srs
So, this isn't going to be a Nerdwatch update, so if that's what you clicked on for, sorry :/
Instead, this is a thinking post for me. I've found that, when something is bothering me, or I can't quite figure it out, it helps to just write. So, that's what this is. A study in writing, perhaps.
I go through these, I guess you could call them cycles, of alternately worrying and emo-ing out about love. The entire subject is an issue for me.
In my life, I've never really seen a functional relationship. Not with my parents, grandparents, or virtually anyone else that I grew up around. Conversely, I've always surrounded myself with the epic romances of literature. You could say that that relationship between reality and fiction has left me really very confused.
I'm a romantic at heart. In all honesty, I spend an embarrassing amount of my free time wondering about love and romance. I'd like nothing more than to meet a boy and go off on riveting adventures. In my heart, I know that I want to find someone and be in love with them.
In my head, however, I realize that nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. I realize that real love is hard to find, and that I'm more complicated than most people, which makes it even harder for me.
So I'm left with this paradox of wanting, desperately, to be in love with someone and at the same time wondering if love even actually exists.
In addition to that, I'm part of a generation renowned for our ability to dismiss the entire school of romance. The "Hook-Up" generation is what we're called, and truth be told, I've never seen anything that contradicts that label.
There is no boy that I know who's interested in a serious, monogamous relationship with me. I realize that, in part, it's due to our ages. Long gone are the times when 16 year-olds "go steady."
On the other hand, I'm surrounded by girls my own age who are in very similar situations as me. Girls who, like me, just want to be loved and are denied that by the boys our age.
What about looking beyond our age group, you ask? Well, that's a complicated combination of the same issue we find in boys our own age, legality and the fact that people who are interested in the kind of relationship I want are far too old to consider dating someone my age.
And in addition to all of this are the constant insecurities that come with being a teenager. Is it because I'm not pretty enough? Am I too much of a prude? Am I trying too hard? Does he really like me, or just my body? Try as I might, I can't really ignore these questions. As a general rule, I'm not an insecure person. I know my strengths and weaknesses, and I do everything I can to highlight the good parts and improve the bad ones. But these questions, that poke at possible my biggest issue, are just too loud for me to ignore.
So here's my question:
Do I give up my decision to wait for someone to love me and start having casual relationships? Will it be easier for me to forget about wanting to be loved if I choose to just engage in physical relationships? At least until I'm old enough that boys will be interested in the kind or relationship that I want?
Maybe even more importantly, can I?
Can I get by just hooking up with people, or will it hurt too much? Or, conversely, can I get by without any kind of relationships at all?
I've been told by my close friends that waiting for someone I care about is the better choice to make, but as time passes and my insecurities grow, I can't help but wondering if the pain is worth it.
I'm a social person, and I'm old enough now that this is a really legitimate question.
On facebook earlier, a friend of mine posted his status as "I need somebody."
I don't know if he was referring to a Beatles song or a similar predicament, but it makes me wonder, do boys have the same issues? Is it just social pressure that's fucking everybody's lives up, or is it just the way life is?
I really don't have an answer. All I have to go off of are the things that I read. There are Sarah Dessen-esque romances that are always from the girl's point of view and always have happy endings. There are Holly Black kind of deals where the book is writtenby a female from a male's point of view. Conversely, I've also read books from a female POV written by a male. And then there are John Green kinds of books. Books that are written by a man, from a man's point of view. Specifically in John Green's case, the romance never really ends happily, but there is that basic need, sometimes characterized even more desperately than what I feel, for love from a boy's point of view.
So I have to wonder. I put a lot of stock in the things that I read. But are they accurate representations of real life, or is the romance played up dramatically for sales? Is love really so life-changingly amazing? And if so, who don't more people want it?
The last thing I want in life is to be alone. Ultimately, I want a big family full of crazy people, and a husband that loves me. But will I ever be loved? And if I am, will we be able to make it, and not be a part of the half that get's divorced? I can tell you now that something like that would destroy me.
So yeah, that's what I worry about.
Instead, this is a thinking post for me. I've found that, when something is bothering me, or I can't quite figure it out, it helps to just write. So, that's what this is. A study in writing, perhaps.
I go through these, I guess you could call them cycles, of alternately worrying and emo-ing out about love. The entire subject is an issue for me.
In my life, I've never really seen a functional relationship. Not with my parents, grandparents, or virtually anyone else that I grew up around. Conversely, I've always surrounded myself with the epic romances of literature. You could say that that relationship between reality and fiction has left me really very confused.
I'm a romantic at heart. In all honesty, I spend an embarrassing amount of my free time wondering about love and romance. I'd like nothing more than to meet a boy and go off on riveting adventures. In my heart, I know that I want to find someone and be in love with them.
In my head, however, I realize that nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. I realize that real love is hard to find, and that I'm more complicated than most people, which makes it even harder for me.
So I'm left with this paradox of wanting, desperately, to be in love with someone and at the same time wondering if love even actually exists.
In addition to that, I'm part of a generation renowned for our ability to dismiss the entire school of romance. The "Hook-Up" generation is what we're called, and truth be told, I've never seen anything that contradicts that label.
There is no boy that I know who's interested in a serious, monogamous relationship with me. I realize that, in part, it's due to our ages. Long gone are the times when 16 year-olds "go steady."
On the other hand, I'm surrounded by girls my own age who are in very similar situations as me. Girls who, like me, just want to be loved and are denied that by the boys our age.
What about looking beyond our age group, you ask? Well, that's a complicated combination of the same issue we find in boys our own age, legality and the fact that people who are interested in the kind of relationship I want are far too old to consider dating someone my age.
And in addition to all of this are the constant insecurities that come with being a teenager. Is it because I'm not pretty enough? Am I too much of a prude? Am I trying too hard? Does he really like me, or just my body? Try as I might, I can't really ignore these questions. As a general rule, I'm not an insecure person. I know my strengths and weaknesses, and I do everything I can to highlight the good parts and improve the bad ones. But these questions, that poke at possible my biggest issue, are just too loud for me to ignore.
So here's my question:
Do I give up my decision to wait for someone to love me and start having casual relationships? Will it be easier for me to forget about wanting to be loved if I choose to just engage in physical relationships? At least until I'm old enough that boys will be interested in the kind or relationship that I want?
Maybe even more importantly, can I?
Can I get by just hooking up with people, or will it hurt too much? Or, conversely, can I get by without any kind of relationships at all?
I've been told by my close friends that waiting for someone I care about is the better choice to make, but as time passes and my insecurities grow, I can't help but wondering if the pain is worth it.
I'm a social person, and I'm old enough now that this is a really legitimate question.
On facebook earlier, a friend of mine posted his status as "I need somebody."
I don't know if he was referring to a Beatles song or a similar predicament, but it makes me wonder, do boys have the same issues? Is it just social pressure that's fucking everybody's lives up, or is it just the way life is?
I really don't have an answer. All I have to go off of are the things that I read. There are Sarah Dessen-esque romances that are always from the girl's point of view and always have happy endings. There are Holly Black kind of deals where the book is writtenby a female from a male's point of view. Conversely, I've also read books from a female POV written by a male. And then there are John Green kinds of books. Books that are written by a man, from a man's point of view. Specifically in John Green's case, the romance never really ends happily, but there is that basic need, sometimes characterized even more desperately than what I feel, for love from a boy's point of view.
So I have to wonder. I put a lot of stock in the things that I read. But are they accurate representations of real life, or is the romance played up dramatically for sales? Is love really so life-changingly amazing? And if so, who don't more people want it?
The last thing I want in life is to be alone. Ultimately, I want a big family full of crazy people, and a husband that loves me. But will I ever be loved? And if I am, will we be able to make it, and not be a part of the half that get's divorced? I can tell you now that something like that would destroy me.
So yeah, that's what I worry about.