(no subject)
So James called last night and invited me over to Diana's house, (Chris' Aunt/Carrie's mom) and meet with everyone who was over there.
This included Ben (Chris' cousin), Karla (Ben's Girlfriend), James, Chris' grandmother, mother, aunt, and uncle.
I get there with my mom and we sit outside for a minute and smoke a cigarette with James, Ben, and Karla.
I walk inside, and his grandmother and aunt are in the kitchen covering up the tons of food on the counter.
His grandmother looks at me and says "How are you doing?"
I just fell into her arms and bawled. She held me and squeezed me tight, "I know, I know. We just don't understand why. It's a horrible horrible thing."
Then I see Diana, and she hugs me and strokes my hair and cries with me.
I walk into the living room hoping to see his mom, and I pass Mark, his uncle. He didn't say anything.
So I sat in the living room with my mom and waited for Pumpkin to come out.
I saw her walk outside, but I didn't want to bother her, so I stood in the kitchen and waited. My mom stood with me.
I hear her coming back in, so I open the door anf hold it for her.
She looks at me and keeps walking.
My mom came over and said softly, "Did she say anything?"
Pumpkin heard and shouted across the hallway, "No. No I didn't say anything. I have nothing to say to her. And I don't want to say anything that's going to hurt anyone, so I'm just not going to say anything at all. I've got nothing to say to her."
I nodded and walked outside to smoke a cigarette.
I lit it and cried, and pumpkin came outside announcing that she was going to her mother's house. Shooting me an evil glance as she passed.
I just hung my head and cried.
Her grandmother walked out and said goodbye and headed for the car, only to return seconds later.
My mom and I were standing side my side smoking cigarettes, and she walks over to us.
"Why did you even come here tonight?"
We were dumbfounded. How could she even think to say something like that?
We didn't say a word.
"You don't like me. You never liked me so why did you come?"
My mom said, "We love you what would give you that idea?" She started to cry.
"You never acted like you liked me. Or any of us for that matter. Why did you come here."
"We loved Christopher," she said.
"You knew we were hurting and you should have known better than to come here. There was no reason for it."
"We came here to let Pumpkin know that she's in our prayers."
"Well we don't need them."
She pointed to me.
"That's the reason he did it."
She turned and walked away. She turned at the end of the path and said, "You need to pray for yourself. You need to pray for yourself."
I didn't say a word.
There's nothing you could ever possibly say to defend yourself from something like that.
My brain hurts.
I got really drunk last night.
I met Carrie at Jay's house, and I expected her to hate me more than anyone.
She ran up to me and hugged me hard and ran her fingers through my hair and I cried.
I just don't know anymore.
James told me that he had tried to do it many times before, but every time as soon as he began to black out, he would realize that what he was doing was stupid and sit up.
James, Ben, Carrie, and Diana are the only people who don't think it was my fault.
I think it was.
I really do.
And I'm fucking sorry.
Underground -Kimya Dawson
My head is pounding I can't stop the pounding
I think it is going to explode
and kill everybody who's in close proximity to the place I call my home
and they'll make a moving made for tv movie for Life Time all about my life
that ends with an epitaph one that will make you laugh
that says "great mom okay wife"
and it'll be funny to the people who know me
who know if my body's not burned
my soul will spend an eternity in misery
tethered and bound to this earth
so I'm not a dick or a stick in the mud always ruining things for my friends
I mustn't forget when I see the sun set that tomorrow it will rise again
so I tattoo instructions on my ass
that say "don't ever put this body in a casket
burn it and put the ashes in a basket
and throw them in the Puget Sound
I don't ever want to be under ground"
oh no, oh no
I'm wearing size thirteen basketball shoes
and laugh at your fishnets
I'm freaked out and fucked up
and I'm standing alone in an alley with you
wanting to show you a cure for your hiccups
but instead I close my eyes
the needles are numbered so I'm writing you letters
and I cannot disguise the fact that I'm nervous when we are together
and so I fantasize
that the nights will get shorter and the days will get better
I feel a kick inside and decide
if this is a girl I'm naming her Heather
she'll look just like you but her hair will be feathered
she'll say how you died before you ever met her
her hair will be feathered
my head is pounding I can't stop the pounding
I think it is going to explode
there are plus and minuses to sinusitis
like sometimes I get to go home
but mostly it hurts so bad I think I'm dying
I just blew my nose and now I feel like crying
and the dreams that I have are all of my past lives
and the seizures would paralyze me in the night
and I wake up clutching my teddy bear tight
and I'm drooling and trying to turn on the light
all I can do is hold fast and sit tight
but what if they forget 'cause you know they just might
so I tattoo instructions on my ass
that say "don't ever put this body in a casket
burn it and put the ashes in a basket
and throw them in the Puget Sound
I don't ever want to be under ground"
oh no, oh no
This included Ben (Chris' cousin), Karla (Ben's Girlfriend), James, Chris' grandmother, mother, aunt, and uncle.
I get there with my mom and we sit outside for a minute and smoke a cigarette with James, Ben, and Karla.
I walk inside, and his grandmother and aunt are in the kitchen covering up the tons of food on the counter.
His grandmother looks at me and says "How are you doing?"
I just fell into her arms and bawled. She held me and squeezed me tight, "I know, I know. We just don't understand why. It's a horrible horrible thing."
Then I see Diana, and she hugs me and strokes my hair and cries with me.
I walk into the living room hoping to see his mom, and I pass Mark, his uncle. He didn't say anything.
So I sat in the living room with my mom and waited for Pumpkin to come out.
I saw her walk outside, but I didn't want to bother her, so I stood in the kitchen and waited. My mom stood with me.
I hear her coming back in, so I open the door anf hold it for her.
She looks at me and keeps walking.
My mom came over and said softly, "Did she say anything?"
Pumpkin heard and shouted across the hallway, "No. No I didn't say anything. I have nothing to say to her. And I don't want to say anything that's going to hurt anyone, so I'm just not going to say anything at all. I've got nothing to say to her."
I nodded and walked outside to smoke a cigarette.
I lit it and cried, and pumpkin came outside announcing that she was going to her mother's house. Shooting me an evil glance as she passed.
I just hung my head and cried.
Her grandmother walked out and said goodbye and headed for the car, only to return seconds later.
My mom and I were standing side my side smoking cigarettes, and she walks over to us.
"Why did you even come here tonight?"
We were dumbfounded. How could she even think to say something like that?
We didn't say a word.
"You don't like me. You never liked me so why did you come?"
My mom said, "We love you what would give you that idea?" She started to cry.
"You never acted like you liked me. Or any of us for that matter. Why did you come here."
"We loved Christopher," she said.
"You knew we were hurting and you should have known better than to come here. There was no reason for it."
"We came here to let Pumpkin know that she's in our prayers."
"Well we don't need them."
She pointed to me.
"That's the reason he did it."
She turned and walked away. She turned at the end of the path and said, "You need to pray for yourself. You need to pray for yourself."
I didn't say a word.
There's nothing you could ever possibly say to defend yourself from something like that.
My brain hurts.
I got really drunk last night.
I met Carrie at Jay's house, and I expected her to hate me more than anyone.
She ran up to me and hugged me hard and ran her fingers through my hair and I cried.
I just don't know anymore.
James told me that he had tried to do it many times before, but every time as soon as he began to black out, he would realize that what he was doing was stupid and sit up.
James, Ben, Carrie, and Diana are the only people who don't think it was my fault.
I think it was.
I really do.
And I'm fucking sorry.
Underground -Kimya Dawson
My head is pounding I can't stop the pounding
I think it is going to explode
and kill everybody who's in close proximity to the place I call my home
and they'll make a moving made for tv movie for Life Time all about my life
that ends with an epitaph one that will make you laugh
that says "great mom okay wife"
and it'll be funny to the people who know me
who know if my body's not burned
my soul will spend an eternity in misery
tethered and bound to this earth
so I'm not a dick or a stick in the mud always ruining things for my friends
I mustn't forget when I see the sun set that tomorrow it will rise again
so I tattoo instructions on my ass
that say "don't ever put this body in a casket
burn it and put the ashes in a basket
and throw them in the Puget Sound
I don't ever want to be under ground"
oh no, oh no
I'm wearing size thirteen basketball shoes
and laugh at your fishnets
I'm freaked out and fucked up
and I'm standing alone in an alley with you
wanting to show you a cure for your hiccups
but instead I close my eyes
the needles are numbered so I'm writing you letters
and I cannot disguise the fact that I'm nervous when we are together
and so I fantasize
that the nights will get shorter and the days will get better
I feel a kick inside and decide
if this is a girl I'm naming her Heather
she'll look just like you but her hair will be feathered
she'll say how you died before you ever met her
her hair will be feathered
my head is pounding I can't stop the pounding
I think it is going to explode
there are plus and minuses to sinusitis
like sometimes I get to go home
but mostly it hurts so bad I think I'm dying
I just blew my nose and now I feel like crying
and the dreams that I have are all of my past lives
and the seizures would paralyze me in the night
and I wake up clutching my teddy bear tight
and I'm drooling and trying to turn on the light
all I can do is hold fast and sit tight
but what if they forget 'cause you know they just might
so I tattoo instructions on my ass
that say "don't ever put this body in a casket
burn it and put the ashes in a basket
and throw them in the Puget Sound
I don't ever want to be under ground"
oh no, oh no