2009, I love you
I'm still pretty useless. I don't know how to relax without being worthless? Is that the word? Fuck, I don't even know anymore. All I know is that my family is driving me crazy. I can handle them one at a time, but having them all together and screaming at one another (which is how they communicate for some reason. Do they realize they're talking SO LOUDLY?!) I just can't take it. So, I've been locking myself up in my lair a lot. I really wish I could say that I have been doing something productive in this room like reading great literature or going through my stuff and organizing it and throwing away all the stuff that I don't need, but I've been sleeping, watching Doctor Who Confidential, and playing Brain Age 2 and Professor Layton on my DSi. Man, I love my DSi. I'm really good at ignoring the fact that I have it at all and I'm amazing at budgeting my time on it. I'm trying my hardest to only play Professor Layton an hour or two a day. I don't want to finish it too fast, but its hard not to do so. I want to know what happens! The last Professor Layton game took me 2 or 3 days to finish, but I didn't really sleep much, and then I didn't have anything else to do with my DSi. I really wish there were more really good brain games for adults. A lot of DS stuff is geared towards kids. Although, having my own virtual kitten or puppy does sound adorably appealing at times, for the most part, it sounds pretty boring.
So, I realize that this past year I have smoked pot/gotten high once, I drank alcohol 3 times, and I've had sex fewer than 10 times for sure. That is major for me. When I think of 2008, I just see myself in a bad place, and I totally was. I mean, by the time the new year hit I knew that I couldn't afford college and that I was going to be stuck with the kids who didn't do shit all throughout High School at LBCC, so I just stopped trying and ditched school a lot. I had already met the very minimal graduation requirements a long time ago, so I didn't have to do much. I mean, in the end I ended up getting A's, B's, and I think 1 C, which isn't even horrible. Oh man, my parents thought it was horrible though. It's funny because I see my brother going through all of that right now. He's taking 4 AP classes and he's not doing well. He has all B's and C's, and is never doing anything other than playing video games, but it seems like my mom gives him way more credit for those grades than she ever gave me, and I had WAY better grades than that! I feel like my parents favor my brother, but I know my brother would feel the opposite: that they favor me. I just don't know. What was my point? Oh! Yeah, in 2008 I was not in a good place. I ditched months of school at a time. After graduating I had the "fuck it" attitude. I had no direction. I got drunk and/or high, because I thought, why the hell not get fucked, not like I have any better plans. I didn't have anything I deemed worthwhile to fuck up, so I just kind of existed. I was there, just stumbling around in the dark with no sense of direction. "I am the wanderer, I have no place or time, I'm just drifting on this lonely road of mine." I always think that line fits the Doctor way more than any human. He is THE wanderer, and he is lonely, oh so lonely. I really don't think that I can leave out Doctor Who from anything I post on the interweb. I love him. I wish I were British.
Okay, back to my point. Oh, yeah, I got fucked up a lot, overslept, rarely went to class, half-assed my assignments and didn't do too great my first semester. Oh! And I was miserable with this job that I took because I saw driving as more important than school. So, I took the shittiest job at Forever 21 in hopes of getting money, but it just made me want to kill myself. And, I was dating Stefan. I think I was using him to get away from my family, who was more ballistic then than they are now. I needed someone who cared, and he did. I have this habit of going into self-destruct mode when I feel like there is no point to anything anymore. Once I've reached rock-bottom and have given up, I just add to the chaos and decide to destroy everything to rebuild it on my own and start over. That's what I did to that relationship with Stefan. I fed him a lot of bullshit, and then he was over it and ended it. I didn't cry. I wasn't even too torn up about it. I just had a sense of routine with him, which took a week or two to break, and then I was over it. I didn't go through much mourning of the relationship, because I mean, I knew what I did. It was my fault. It was what I wanted, and I accomplished my goal. Pretty messed up. I'm still an emotional masochist, as Stefan called it. It came out with the whole Bruce quasi-relationship thing. I thought I was over that. I think I just like attention. Well, I know I like attention. I like power. That's it.
New Year's last year was an eye opening experience. I don't even remember where I fell asleep or much of anything. I just know I was a fool, and that I was very drunk and high, and that anything could have happened. I remember waking up in 2009 saying, "I can't do this anymore. I need to change my life," and that's what I did. I am so proud of myself for that. I had goals and I accomplished them. Given: I still have yet to run a marathon, and I've gained weight instead of losing it, but I'm happy and I have direction. I just feel like I've grown so much this past year, and that 2010 holds a lot more good things for me. This year I have taken 45 units and aced every single one of my classes. I have volunteered 93 hours at the animal shelter. I am now on good terms with my family. I have a job that I love. I realize that I don't need a relationship to be happy. I cut off things completely with all the bad guys in my life. I am getting my own economically sound and environmentally savvy transportation: my Buddy scooter. I am transferring in the fall to CSULB. I am leaving LBCC in 2 years with 93 units, 2 AA degrees (Biological Science & Social Science), and with A's in all the lower division requirements for my Psych major. I got a scholarship. I know that I want to join the peace corps and that I want to go to medical school. I know who my real friends are. I know that I'm not a lesbian, but know that I can't rule out the possibility that I might just fall for a woman some day. People are people, and female sexuality is extremely fluid. I don't know. I just feel awesome. I feel intelligent. I feel like I'm not on the same page as a lot of my peers, but that's okay. I know what I want and I'm going to get it for myself. I want to be my best, and I'm going to do everything I can to be the best person I can be. This is starting to sound like some cheesy inspirational spiel. Oh well. I just have this feeling that 2010 is going to be even better than 2009. I'm tired of having shitty years, like 2008, and being an active participant in your life sure as hell does prevent them from being so... dim.
I really can't wait for 2010. I have my desk calendar all ready to be filled in with plans. I can't wait to start my final semester at LBCC. I'm only taking Biology classes and Research Methods of Psychology to finish up both my AA degrees as well as the lower division requirements for my major. I'm ready to start working 12-16 hours a week at my job that I adore. I can't wait to start teaching. Man, I love my life. I can't wait for these chest pains to stop. Oh man..
I'll come up with my new years resolutions soon enough. Tomorrow I need to volunteer at the shelter for 3 hours, and then I'm grabbing lunch with Andrew, Michelle, and Tamara. Yay! I have plans. I'm supposed to be hanging out with Sydney and Breanna sometime next week. Fun times! I still don't know if I'll go to Lupe's hotel party on New Years, probably not but we'll see. That's all for now. I should really get to bed. I have an early start tomorrow.
So, I realize that this past year I have smoked pot/gotten high once, I drank alcohol 3 times, and I've had sex fewer than 10 times for sure. That is major for me. When I think of 2008, I just see myself in a bad place, and I totally was. I mean, by the time the new year hit I knew that I couldn't afford college and that I was going to be stuck with the kids who didn't do shit all throughout High School at LBCC, so I just stopped trying and ditched school a lot. I had already met the very minimal graduation requirements a long time ago, so I didn't have to do much. I mean, in the end I ended up getting A's, B's, and I think 1 C, which isn't even horrible. Oh man, my parents thought it was horrible though. It's funny because I see my brother going through all of that right now. He's taking 4 AP classes and he's not doing well. He has all B's and C's, and is never doing anything other than playing video games, but it seems like my mom gives him way more credit for those grades than she ever gave me, and I had WAY better grades than that! I feel like my parents favor my brother, but I know my brother would feel the opposite: that they favor me. I just don't know. What was my point? Oh! Yeah, in 2008 I was not in a good place. I ditched months of school at a time. After graduating I had the "fuck it" attitude. I had no direction. I got drunk and/or high, because I thought, why the hell not get fucked, not like I have any better plans. I didn't have anything I deemed worthwhile to fuck up, so I just kind of existed. I was there, just stumbling around in the dark with no sense of direction. "I am the wanderer, I have no place or time, I'm just drifting on this lonely road of mine." I always think that line fits the Doctor way more than any human. He is THE wanderer, and he is lonely, oh so lonely. I really don't think that I can leave out Doctor Who from anything I post on the interweb. I love him. I wish I were British.
Okay, back to my point. Oh, yeah, I got fucked up a lot, overslept, rarely went to class, half-assed my assignments and didn't do too great my first semester. Oh! And I was miserable with this job that I took because I saw driving as more important than school. So, I took the shittiest job at Forever 21 in hopes of getting money, but it just made me want to kill myself. And, I was dating Stefan. I think I was using him to get away from my family, who was more ballistic then than they are now. I needed someone who cared, and he did. I have this habit of going into self-destruct mode when I feel like there is no point to anything anymore. Once I've reached rock-bottom and have given up, I just add to the chaos and decide to destroy everything to rebuild it on my own and start over. That's what I did to that relationship with Stefan. I fed him a lot of bullshit, and then he was over it and ended it. I didn't cry. I wasn't even too torn up about it. I just had a sense of routine with him, which took a week or two to break, and then I was over it. I didn't go through much mourning of the relationship, because I mean, I knew what I did. It was my fault. It was what I wanted, and I accomplished my goal. Pretty messed up. I'm still an emotional masochist, as Stefan called it. It came out with the whole Bruce quasi-relationship thing. I thought I was over that. I think I just like attention. Well, I know I like attention. I like power. That's it.
New Year's last year was an eye opening experience. I don't even remember where I fell asleep or much of anything. I just know I was a fool, and that I was very drunk and high, and that anything could have happened. I remember waking up in 2009 saying, "I can't do this anymore. I need to change my life," and that's what I did. I am so proud of myself for that. I had goals and I accomplished them. Given: I still have yet to run a marathon, and I've gained weight instead of losing it, but I'm happy and I have direction. I just feel like I've grown so much this past year, and that 2010 holds a lot more good things for me. This year I have taken 45 units and aced every single one of my classes. I have volunteered 93 hours at the animal shelter. I am now on good terms with my family. I have a job that I love. I realize that I don't need a relationship to be happy. I cut off things completely with all the bad guys in my life. I am getting my own economically sound and environmentally savvy transportation: my Buddy scooter. I am transferring in the fall to CSULB. I am leaving LBCC in 2 years with 93 units, 2 AA degrees (Biological Science & Social Science), and with A's in all the lower division requirements for my Psych major. I got a scholarship. I know that I want to join the peace corps and that I want to go to medical school. I know who my real friends are. I know that I'm not a lesbian, but know that I can't rule out the possibility that I might just fall for a woman some day. People are people, and female sexuality is extremely fluid. I don't know. I just feel awesome. I feel intelligent. I feel like I'm not on the same page as a lot of my peers, but that's okay. I know what I want and I'm going to get it for myself. I want to be my best, and I'm going to do everything I can to be the best person I can be. This is starting to sound like some cheesy inspirational spiel. Oh well. I just have this feeling that 2010 is going to be even better than 2009. I'm tired of having shitty years, like 2008, and being an active participant in your life sure as hell does prevent them from being so... dim.
I really can't wait for 2010. I have my desk calendar all ready to be filled in with plans. I can't wait to start my final semester at LBCC. I'm only taking Biology classes and Research Methods of Psychology to finish up both my AA degrees as well as the lower division requirements for my major. I'm ready to start working 12-16 hours a week at my job that I adore. I can't wait to start teaching. Man, I love my life. I can't wait for these chest pains to stop. Oh man..
I'll come up with my new years resolutions soon enough. Tomorrow I need to volunteer at the shelter for 3 hours, and then I'm grabbing lunch with Andrew, Michelle, and Tamara. Yay! I have plans. I'm supposed to be hanging out with Sydney and Breanna sometime next week. Fun times! I still don't know if I'll go to Lupe's hotel party on New Years, probably not but we'll see. That's all for now. I should really get to bed. I have an early start tomorrow.