Epiphany
Quick note in reference to my previous post: I still haven't finished the self authoring program.
I had an epiphany today.
About a year ago I realized that my life had stagnated. I'd go to work, come home, play games on my computer, go to sleep, wake up, go to work, come home... The only way anything was going to change, was to change myself. So I began a journey of self-improvement, and, as is typical in any human endevor, I overcorrected, BIG TIME. Despite eating healthy, going to the gym, working on expanding my knowledge, I felt AWFUL. I felt bad when I went to bed, I felt just as bad, or worse when I woke up. I was stressing myself out like crazy because I assumed if I let up at all, I'd just go back to my lazy, stagnent self, and, as a result, I'd gone too far in the direction of pushing myself to be BETTER.
This morning I woke up, and, once again, I didn't feel like getting out of bed. I, once again, tried to meditate, but this time I tried something different. Instead of trying to clear my mind, I just started repeating in my head, "Strong, smooth, clear, lost," and just pictured a clear sheet of water in my mind. It worked. It helped take some of the edge off the crushing stress. Later, I'd finished my workout at the gym, and was walking into Cub Foods, and I just felt a 'CLICK' in my brain followed by one of Jocko Willink's catchphrases, "No Factor." [It basically means, "that doesn't matter, I'll succeed anyways"] This sense that I NEEDED to BE BETTER, DO MORE, FIGHT HARDER... What I really needed was to just LET IT GO. Find the balance between holding myself accountable, without driving myself crazy with stress.
It was pretty crazy when the epiphany hit me. The HUGE ball of stress I'd been carrying around, building up over the past year, *POOF* "No Factor." Even my sugar cravings, which had been getting worse even though I've been nearly zero carb for most of the last 11 months, were just GONE, *POOF* "No Factor."
I don't experience the sensation of the passage of time (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyschronometria). I'm ALWAYS going to struggle with staying focused, and I'm going to get distracted, and waste time. I'll lose hours, days, weeks... "No Factor," re-calibrate, and keep moving FORWARD. Getting stressed and feeling like a failure DOES NOT help. On the flip side, accepting failure ALSO does not help. Make note of what happened, see if there was something that could have been done differently, OR if this was just a loss caused by "Freddy-time." If there was something that could have been done differently, GOOD(another Jocko Willink catchphrase, google, "Jocko Willink GOOD"), adjust fire, and move FORWARD. If it was just "Freddy-time," then "No Factor," move FORWARD.
Am I in danger of another pendulm swing back to lazy stagnation? Definately, so I have to watch carefully, and manage the balance between being lazy, and stressing myself to the point that my body is constantly flooded with cortisol. Cortisol is NOT my amigo. I'm aware that I have a tendancy to over-analyse and over-stress about stuff that isn't a big deal.
Where will I be in another year? Maybe we will find out in the next post...
I had an epiphany today.
About a year ago I realized that my life had stagnated. I'd go to work, come home, play games on my computer, go to sleep, wake up, go to work, come home... The only way anything was going to change, was to change myself. So I began a journey of self-improvement, and, as is typical in any human endevor, I overcorrected, BIG TIME. Despite eating healthy, going to the gym, working on expanding my knowledge, I felt AWFUL. I felt bad when I went to bed, I felt just as bad, or worse when I woke up. I was stressing myself out like crazy because I assumed if I let up at all, I'd just go back to my lazy, stagnent self, and, as a result, I'd gone too far in the direction of pushing myself to be BETTER.
This morning I woke up, and, once again, I didn't feel like getting out of bed. I, once again, tried to meditate, but this time I tried something different. Instead of trying to clear my mind, I just started repeating in my head, "Strong, smooth, clear, lost," and just pictured a clear sheet of water in my mind. It worked. It helped take some of the edge off the crushing stress. Later, I'd finished my workout at the gym, and was walking into Cub Foods, and I just felt a 'CLICK' in my brain followed by one of Jocko Willink's catchphrases, "No Factor." [It basically means, "that doesn't matter, I'll succeed anyways"] This sense that I NEEDED to BE BETTER, DO MORE, FIGHT HARDER... What I really needed was to just LET IT GO. Find the balance between holding myself accountable, without driving myself crazy with stress.
It was pretty crazy when the epiphany hit me. The HUGE ball of stress I'd been carrying around, building up over the past year, *POOF* "No Factor." Even my sugar cravings, which had been getting worse even though I've been nearly zero carb for most of the last 11 months, were just GONE, *POOF* "No Factor."
I don't experience the sensation of the passage of time (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dyschronometria). I'm ALWAYS going to struggle with staying focused, and I'm going to get distracted, and waste time. I'll lose hours, days, weeks... "No Factor," re-calibrate, and keep moving FORWARD. Getting stressed and feeling like a failure DOES NOT help. On the flip side, accepting failure ALSO does not help. Make note of what happened, see if there was something that could have been done differently, OR if this was just a loss caused by "Freddy-time." If there was something that could have been done differently, GOOD(another Jocko Willink catchphrase, google, "Jocko Willink GOOD"), adjust fire, and move FORWARD. If it was just "Freddy-time," then "No Factor," move FORWARD.
Am I in danger of another pendulm swing back to lazy stagnation? Definately, so I have to watch carefully, and manage the balance between being lazy, and stressing myself to the point that my body is constantly flooded with cortisol. Cortisol is NOT my amigo. I'm aware that I have a tendancy to over-analyse and over-stress about stuff that isn't a big deal.
Where will I be in another year? Maybe we will find out in the next post...