Further contemplation
I never really mean to offend anyone, I guess it sorta just happens? Life is a jumble, and I really would like to figure everything out. I have no idea what's going on, what's not, why, and with whom! I look around, at probably the most stressful time of the semester, and I see so much anger, frustration, disappointment, and confusion. What causes this? Am I the cause? I do believe in many respects I am. This is the root of my tirade/outburst last night. Granted, no matter how much I may wish to claim it, I am not the root of all evil. Most of it, yes. And I do swear to you all that I will hurt every single one of you on at least one level. It is a curse, but a blessing at the same time. At least I know what my expectations are. I am not allowed to have friends, I am supposed to have limited interaction with people, and for some god-awful reason, that interaction has to be one of the most difficult positions to have in the whole world. I have to be the guardian who does not become attached, the shrink that does not care, and the omniscient who never speaks. Why? BECAUSE IT SUCKS AND I GET TO DO IT! That is my role, and that is where I am happy. Internal torment it does cause: to be able to help people and not have them "know" you is very awkward. It only enhances confusion and distrust. Somehow, it is my light that shines through, however. Strange it be.
I am an orb of endless energy that never stops fighting for what I believe in, and will always fight for those values which I hold dear. Friendship is one of those values, although now it has taken on strange form. I have come to regard friendship as one of those lofty objects that seems almost superhuman, and perhaps that is another reason why I cannot have what I call friends. I have elevated and twisted it so much that it is entirely unattainable by mere mortals, no matter how much they may try and no matter how much pain it may cause them while trying. All I can say is stop trying. I don't want to be responsible for turmoil and pain. I bring enough of it with me as it is. I can handle it, and more (I internalize, and pack it away, my problems and others', it comes with the job). Most of you cannot. You do not need any more than daily life normally hurls in your directions. Many are already at the breaking point, and I cannot be the cause of your slip past. That is something, a burden, I cannot bear. I will be around for moons to come, doing my job as best I see. I am here to be used, but not to use. Nothing more, nothing less. Loyalty is above all my highest ideal, and I will do anything and everything to help those who have stood by me, even after a fallout when civilities are not possible. On this stake of loyalty I present this explanation. Hopefully this further explains my current temperament to those bewildered. It may seem a bit far-fetched, like a sin-eater, or a dragon, but it is me. I don't fully understand, but I know my role. Most of the time, that's all I need.
On a much less serious note: It is really cold in my room. I cannot wait to get out of this house one way or another. And the funny story of the day begins with the statement "and this is how I broke the arm of the girl with whom I was playing tennis today..." Yeah, I cannot seem to avoid hurting people. If I don't hurt them emotionally, I hurt them physically. Such a tough love for humanity I embody.
SIDE NOTE: SPEAKING OF PEOPLE HURTING, now is my time to address a few injuries that have been heaped in my direction by a few people I had trusted and cared for rather deeply. Regardless of whether you believe my self-definition is arrogant, haughty, proud, disturbing, psychotic, manic-depressive, bipolar, diabetic, osmotic, sexy, or psychotic, no one has a right to treat me as some of you have treated me over the past month and a half (It is now the beginning of May). I have been nothing but there for you all, always willing to help when I can, always chiming in when warranted, always simply wanting to be there and have a good time. One of you is king of "the pot calling the kettle black" in labelling me as arrogant. One of you is being an absolute retard in suggesting that I have the time or the compulsion to stand outside of an apartment door and listen to someone's conversation. One of you is being absolutely as I have come to expect, a follower to the end. One of you truly disappoints me. As I look back upon what has occurred, it hurts very much to think that I trusted you all and misjudged you all that much. It hurts to be reminded of a failure. I look back a the wad of back-stabbing, immature, assholes (males and females included) I used to think were a circle of friends I could belong to. Time runs like a river...it repeats...just wait. The thing that stings the most about this entire situation, is that no matter how much I loathe the thought of helping the ring leader of this shitstorm, I would still help any of you if you were in trouble, regardless of the number of daggers in my back, the lies you all tell about me, the fact that most of you judged me before you even considered that you were getting a heavily skewed form of the story--I WOULD STILL HELP YOU ALL! AND I HATE MYSELF FOR THIS!
Fuck you, Podunk. Fuck you, Drew. Fuck you, Scott. Fuck you, (sorry, dude) Chris. Fuck you, Jennifer Harris.
I will forever remember you all as lying, two-faced, backstabbing, spineless, shifty, fickle, deceitful, untrustworthy, judgmental pricks. And I loathe every second I breathe where I remember you all as otherwise and still have the drive to help you in any way.
I am an orb of endless energy that never stops fighting for what I believe in, and will always fight for those values which I hold dear. Friendship is one of those values, although now it has taken on strange form. I have come to regard friendship as one of those lofty objects that seems almost superhuman, and perhaps that is another reason why I cannot have what I call friends. I have elevated and twisted it so much that it is entirely unattainable by mere mortals, no matter how much they may try and no matter how much pain it may cause them while trying. All I can say is stop trying. I don't want to be responsible for turmoil and pain. I bring enough of it with me as it is. I can handle it, and more (I internalize, and pack it away, my problems and others', it comes with the job). Most of you cannot. You do not need any more than daily life normally hurls in your directions. Many are already at the breaking point, and I cannot be the cause of your slip past. That is something, a burden, I cannot bear. I will be around for moons to come, doing my job as best I see. I am here to be used, but not to use. Nothing more, nothing less. Loyalty is above all my highest ideal, and I will do anything and everything to help those who have stood by me, even after a fallout when civilities are not possible. On this stake of loyalty I present this explanation. Hopefully this further explains my current temperament to those bewildered. It may seem a bit far-fetched, like a sin-eater, or a dragon, but it is me. I don't fully understand, but I know my role. Most of the time, that's all I need.
On a much less serious note: It is really cold in my room. I cannot wait to get out of this house one way or another. And the funny story of the day begins with the statement "and this is how I broke the arm of the girl with whom I was playing tennis today..." Yeah, I cannot seem to avoid hurting people. If I don't hurt them emotionally, I hurt them physically. Such a tough love for humanity I embody.
SIDE NOTE: SPEAKING OF PEOPLE HURTING, now is my time to address a few injuries that have been heaped in my direction by a few people I had trusted and cared for rather deeply. Regardless of whether you believe my self-definition is arrogant, haughty, proud, disturbing, psychotic, manic-depressive, bipolar, diabetic, osmotic, sexy, or psychotic, no one has a right to treat me as some of you have treated me over the past month and a half (It is now the beginning of May). I have been nothing but there for you all, always willing to help when I can, always chiming in when warranted, always simply wanting to be there and have a good time. One of you is king of "the pot calling the kettle black" in labelling me as arrogant. One of you is being an absolute retard in suggesting that I have the time or the compulsion to stand outside of an apartment door and listen to someone's conversation. One of you is being absolutely as I have come to expect, a follower to the end. One of you truly disappoints me. As I look back upon what has occurred, it hurts very much to think that I trusted you all and misjudged you all that much. It hurts to be reminded of a failure. I look back a the wad of back-stabbing, immature, assholes (males and females included) I used to think were a circle of friends I could belong to. Time runs like a river...it repeats...just wait. The thing that stings the most about this entire situation, is that no matter how much I loathe the thought of helping the ring leader of this shitstorm, I would still help any of you if you were in trouble, regardless of the number of daggers in my back, the lies you all tell about me, the fact that most of you judged me before you even considered that you were getting a heavily skewed form of the story--I WOULD STILL HELP YOU ALL! AND I HATE MYSELF FOR THIS!
Fuck you, Podunk. Fuck you, Drew. Fuck you, Scott. Fuck you, (sorry, dude) Chris. Fuck you, Jennifer Harris.
I will forever remember you all as lying, two-faced, backstabbing, spineless, shifty, fickle, deceitful, untrustworthy, judgmental pricks. And I loathe every second I breathe where I remember you all as otherwise and still have the drive to help you in any way.