Chapter 4 {Pool Of Tears}
Story Title : Pool Of Tears
Rating : PG-13
Genre : Thriller
Length : ~5,200 words
Summary : Super Junior members are the victims of a drastic accident, a life changing one - quite literally.
A/N : omg I already had this written so, so long ago. Don't know why i took so much time to post it.
-
His eyes filled with hatred and he continued in a sinister voice…“I hate your presence. And I never want to see you again.”
Kyuhyun stood there, looking down upon her quaking figure, hearing her sniffle and sob, and he felt the hatred slowly ebbing away. He tried his best to will the anger to stay. He should be feeling annoyed, infuriated, and not how he felt that instant. Precisely not how he felt at that instant. His eyes still locked upon her, he started questioning the weird feelings rising within him again, feelings he wasn’t used to, feelings he didn’t understand. He sighed in hopelessness - throwing his head back he covered his face with his palms.
As soon as he let his thoughts run untamed the numbness filled his heart again.
What is happening to me? He questioned himself, although knowing that he didn’t have the answer to that.
-
After the little incident back at the hospital Siwon, Eunhyuk and Donghae had brought Leeteuk back to the dorm, so that he could take some time to be alone and rethink what he had done. And as for Leeteuk himself, he didn’t know what had gotten into him. As he sat at the edge of his bed - his head hanging down and his eyes locked on the intricate patterns on his floor carpet - scenes from the hospital room played like a movie reel in his mind.
“You should have told us if you were still weak Kyuhyun ah.” He remembered how worried he was when the doctor told him that Kyuhyun was still weak. He believed that if Kyuhyun had told him earlier the situation could have been taken care of, and he wouldn’t have been in the hospital again.
But then Kyuhyun went on and said,“I’m sorry hyung. I didn’t mean to ruin the trip for you.” How could he be so silly? So foolishly ridiculous to actually think that the trip mattered more for him? To tell the truth, Leeteuk was quite affronted by it. It was as if Kyuhyun had somehow thought that Leeteuk would give more importance to the trip than his health. He shook his head at the thought. Kyuhyun looked really apologetic though, as if the trip was something very important. Then it struck him. His pupils enlarged in sudden realization. Of course he thought it was something very important for him. It was Kyuhyun’s first trip with all his members after recovering from the accident. His first trip after being sick for so long. He wanted to enjoy with his brothers. And he thought Leeteuk would have been feeling the same about the trip, and so he thought he ruined it for him. And so he apologized. As this realization dawned upon him the thought of Kyuhyun actually thinking so somehow didn’t seem so offensive at all. He was just looking out for Leeteuk. What did he do so wrong?
Leeteuk groaned and grabbed his head between his hands. He felt like banging his head against the floor for being so dull-witted.
“Do you think none of us care for you??”
"Do you think some stupid trip matters more than your safety??”
“Do you think you care for us more than we care for you???”
Tugging at his hair, Leeteuk let out a deep sigh.
He did. Kyuhyun did care for all of them. More than they ever could. He was mature in that way - in his thoughts. Mature than him, the eldest member of Super Junior. And all Leeteuk ever did was pretend to be the leader, pretend that he knew everyone, understood everything. He tugged harder as guilt washed over him. What was I thinking? he mumbled to himself. I should have thought twice before speaking like that to him. He must’ve been so hurt. Leeteuk had this sudden feeling, like he didn’t know himself anymore, like there was another man hiding inside him, exposing only with a sudden burst of raw emotion. He bit his lower lip when the scene replayed in his head for what seemed to be the hundredth time. Disgusted by his own actions, he lay down on the bed and gaped at the ceiling, arms wide across. This was no time to feel guilty and whine about it. He needed to make amends.
-
Kyuhyun let out a small groan. He wasn’t used to being so unsure about his own feelings. He was the one who always had a solution to everything, the one to whom everyone turned to for advice. He was the one with all the calculated moves and preplanned saunter. He was the one who scheduled his days and checked his talk, his emotions and his thoughts. He was always prepared. But he wasn’t prepared for this. This wasn’t planned. It threw him off of his axis, his surety wavering like a lone leaf in a strong breeze.
He sighed again, as he has been quite frequently, and removed his hands from his face. The girl was still there, crouching before him, wiping the stray tears running down her flushed cheeks. Gazing at her, Kyuhyun had a sudden urge to sit and comfort her, ask her about what’s wrong. But he knew this wasn’t right. Because he hated her. He hated her for turning his world upside down in a matter of days. He hated her for making others mad at him. He hated her for giving him much pain, and he didn’t know how she did that. He hated for the weird feelings that grew within him every time she was around. He hated her for making him worry about her, even though he hated her…
Kyuhyun lowered his head and massaged his temples in slow motions. His confused state of mind annoyed him to no limits, stacking up on the already long list of worries. What was he to do? Should he help? Should he not? Maybe he should, or maybe not. He smacked the back of his head for being so uncertain.
He sighed and looked at the girl.
He thought she looked so sad.
He smacked himself again.
Don’t think that! You don’t like her. There was a voice at the back of his mind. He could feel it, like pinpricks inside his brain. The devil presumably? He could feel its bitterness rising. Kyuhyun could strangely feel it too, as if the feeling were his own. It was etched into his mind, latching onto his stream of emotions.
But then he looked at her, body trembling violently with each sob, and pity rose inside him. But she looks so broken. He thought, as if speaking to the devil himself.
She hurts you! the devil tried to stop him as he took a step towards her. Kyuhyun paused midstep as he felt the jolt of anger which shot through his body, momentarily paralyzing him. He knew these feelings were not his and he wasn’t sure if he should be accepting them, but he was falling for it nevertheless.
Kyuhyun took a moment to think about what the devil had said. He knew that this girl was no more than trouble for him, but he didn’t know why, he didn’t know what it was that made him believe that she’s different than she seems. Something told him that she’s not someone to run away from. Something told him she’s not bad news. Kyuhyun tried to reason otherwise. He thought he should help her, not because instincts told him so, but because of humanity. Kyuhyun chose humanity. But we don’t know if ‘she’ does that, do we? Kyuhyun tried to clarify, taking another step towards her.
The devil within him knew he was losing his grip over him. He wasn’t going to let him go. She never pays attention to your presence! the devil tried his best to win over him. She doesn’t want you here! he said, carefully drawing out his words so that it settled slowly, and heavily, into his mind.
Kyuhyun stopped dead on his way. He knew that the devil is nothing more than a creation of his own mind, feeding on his fears, the creator of misery and melancholy. But he couldn’t help but rethink his good intentions. What would he get if he helps her? How can he be sure that she’s not an illusion? Even if she’s real, why should he help out a stranger who has caused him so much grief in the past few days? And if she doesn’t even want him here…
Doesn’t…… want me here? he questioned the devil, who was reveling in Kyuhyun’s uncertainty. His eyes were still on her, watching her every movement with much interest, trying to make out her thoughts through her actions. If only he could figure out what she was thinking, making this decision would have become so much simpler.
If only he could…
Kyuhyun knelt down before her, adjusting his stance so he could have a look at her, maybe even wipe her tears for her. But she had her head down low, blocking her face from his view. What was this strange connection that he felt with her? Why does she make him want to decide in the first place? What’s that thing in her, the thing which made him want to know more about her?
Kyuhyun straightened up with a jerk. This wasn’t going very well. He needed to stop before he did something stupid he’d regret. You’re right. Maybe she doesn’t. Kyuhyun spoke with hesitation, as if he feared it. Why does the fact that she doesn’t want him here hurt him more than his accident? Why does it bother him so much? Why does he want to stay with her? And it was just a while ago when he was convinced that he didn’t want to see her again…
He tilted his head to a side, looking at her closely, his eyes portraying hints grief and doubt. Yes! Leave. You don’t belong here! the devil spoke with much enthusiasm, as if laughing at his indecisiveness. Kyuhyun felt sickened. It insulted him that this devil was a dark part of his own thoughts.
He wasn’t going to let the devil win.
Or maybe… Kyuhyun spoke again, remnants of hope still burning within him. He felt the devil’s distress, anticipating his next words. Kyuhyun smiled inwardly. He knew these negative feelings were a subconscious part of him, and he should keep them at control, not the other way round. Maybe she doesn’t know I’m here. He wasn’t going to let a creation of his mind order him around.
If there was anywhere he belonged right then, it was there, with her…
With that confirmed, he knew no more thoughts could stop him. He gathered all his pent-up courage and raised his hand to lift her face.
-
Leeteuk found himself standing at a roadside bend.
Where am I? he thought as he looked around. The road was nearly empty save for the few lights glimmering from a tiny roadside stall, a few yards away from where he stood. The wind was a soothing cool against his skin but he was still sweating. He looked up and saw the trees dancing to the breeze. Strangely, it felt like déjà-vu. Have I been here before? He looked the other way and noticed a young couple, standing across each other, hand in hand. Knowingly, he smiled to himself but then noticed the tension lingering between them. The guy was desperately repeating something over and over while the girl had her head down low, in a repentant way. He tried but couldn’t really make out what they were saying. Right at that instant, amidst all the confusion, something within him demanded him to turn around.
As he did so, he noticed a black minivan with tinted windows, like that of a celebrity, speeding his way. And before he had time to realize that he should probably get out of the way, he saw the van overturn at the road bend. His eyes widened with astonishment when he saw the van hit the floor with a colossal bang and watched as the windows shattered on the impact. Leeteuk instinctively ducked low to the ground and wrapped his head with his arms. The van came to a screeching halt right before him, stopping inches from where he was crouched. After his heartbeat had relatively slowed down and his brain adjusted to the scene right before his eyes, Leeteuk stood up hesitantly, gasping for breath. After a few moments of stillness, he jumped right into action, deciding to take responsibility for anyone who was hurt.
The van was lying on its back and the doors were jammed. Pressing his foot against the side of the van, Leeteuk tried his best to pry open the blocked doors, but thinking that he was just wasting his time and effort, Leeteuk bent down and crashed the remainder of the broken window with his bare hands. He had to struggle a bit as he pulled out a person from within. The man looked seriously injured, with shreds of glasses piercing his entire back. Leeteuk’s heart unexpectedly started pacing faster, his forehead was dripping sweat and his breathing came out in jagged spurts as he slowly turned the man around.
The man groaned in pain and whispered in a semi-conscious state, “Kyuhyun ah…”
Leeteuk jumped awake. He was was panting fiercely and looking right at his ceiling. There was no road, no trees, no tiny stalls, no boy, no girl, no accident. He was in his room.
A dream.
He sat up in a hurry and wiped his sweaty face with a trembling hand. He was still gasping for breath and tried hard to calm down.
But he just couldn’t.
Instead his heartbeat accelerated as a feeling of uneasiness swallowed him whole.
He bounced off his bed. He needed to meet Kyuhyun.
As. Soon. As. Possible.
He grabbed his jacket - pulling it over his pajamas - and the extra keys to their van, and rushed out of his room. On his way out he came across Siwon, Donghae and Eunhyuk in the living room whispering to each other not so politely. From the look on their faces, he could tell that they were talking about something vital.
Leeteuk didn’t have to think twice about what they were discussing.
He slipped into his shoes, not bothering to stop and tell them about where he was headed to, but lingering enough till he was sure that they had noticed him leaving. He needed to meet Kyuhyun before his heart exploded with guilt. He could tell the others later, when everything was solved out. When he had figured out why his beat so fast at the thought of Kyuhyun. When he was sure that Kyuhyun was, indeed, safe.
Siwon, Donghae and Eunhyuk looked up at Leeteuk’s receding figure as if they’d encountered a ghost. They only wished Leeteuk didn’t hear them gossiping - about him. But where was he going?
“Hyung!” Siwon called out first, shifting from the couch in hurried motions and making his way towards Leeteuk, but Leeteuk hung his head hung low, pretending as if he didn’t hear.
“Hyung…” Siwon seized Leeteuk by his shoulders firmly, not enough to hurt him, but enough to stop him. “Hyung, where are you going? You should rest.” Siwon’s voice was soft but rigid, having a domineering edge to it, telling Leeteuk that he has to rest, but he could say no if he wanted to.
And that’s how Leeteuk was the leader, not Siwon.
Leeteuk gave Siwon one stern look and Siwon instantly loosened his grip around Leeteuk’s shoulder.
“I need to go somewhere.” Leeteuk said. “It’s important.” He made it sound like it was the most obvious statement in the world.
“I’ll be back soon.” He continued, not meeting eyes with any of them, and walked out of the room, leaving the remaining three at a loss of words.
-
Kyuhyun tentatively touched her chin. He expected her to shy away, but she didn’t. The touch felt peculiar. Her skin was unnaturally hard and cold, moist but still firm, as if she was carved out of stone.
Unknowingly, his heart sank. What was he expecting? This was a dream. But he couldn’t help but feel otherwise. Intuition told him that this wasn’t a dream. It couldn’t be. Everything he was feeling, physically and emotionally, felt so real, so life-like.
Or was it just him?
Was ‘he’ being too stubborn to accept the fact that she was not real?
Pushing past the negative thoughts that were growing within him again, Kyuhyun reminded himself of his motive. He needed to help her. He wanted to help her. Right when he was about to lift her face up, she stiffened. Sensing that something’s not right, Kyuhyun immediately recoiled. She stopped sobbing and it was as if every other sound in the room abruptly fell silent. Kyuhyun hadn’t even realized if there were any other sounds except for her sobbing and his rapidly swelling heartbeat. Now, it was so eerily quiet that he could feel his heart throbbing painfully in against his eardrums. He had this gut feeling which told him that something’s wrong.
It was then that he first saw her face.
She slowly lifted her face and Kyuhyun expected her to look at him, but she was looking at something over his shoulder. It saddened him to see her pale, porcelain like face tainted with her tears and her dark eyes reflecting panic. But instead of feeling sorry for her, he felt anxious.
Something about the look in her eyes was not right.
Voices were screaming inside his head and it was like every alarm present in this world was ringing in his ears.
Something is not right! Something is NOT right! The words kept repeating inside his head. Hesitantly, he followed her gaze, turning his head towards the entrance of the room, and saw a man, a bit heavy for his age, looking down at them with an enraged look on his face. He immediately recognized the man as the person who was with this girl the first night he had seen her. Kyuhyun tensed up. He didn’t know how this man would react to him being here with this girl.
He saw the man open his mouth. He saw him speaking.
Kyuhyun’s brows knit in confusion. He strained his ears but…
Kyuhyun looked at the man with a bewildered expression.
…He couldn’t hear the man speak.
Kyuhyun slightly leaned forward, trying his best to figure out what the man was saying - or should he say screaming - but whatever he did, whichever way he adjusted himself, however much he tried, he just couldn’t hear him speak. Kyuhyun’s head was in a complete daze now. The man was definitely speaking. His lips moved in an inaudible pace and Kyuhyun couldn’t comprehend what the man was saying. The only thing he could hear was his heart pumping with all its might and the girl starting to sob again.
He turned to look at her and saw her cringing in fear, sinking further into the wall even though there was barely any more space for her to, her hands and knees drawn close to her body and her face buried between her knees. It was then that he realized that the man was in fact not yelling at them; he was yelling at her. It was then that he realized he was a mere spectator of this picture. He was there, but still not really there. He wondered if the thought actually comforted him. He reached out his hand and lightly touched her trembling shoulder. Even if most part of him believed that she was an illusion, he was strangely getting used to them.
It did not matter anymore - whether she was real or just a fragment of his imagination - he wanted to be here. With her. For her.
Kyuhyun subconsciously inched towards her, separating her from the man.
He had no idea as to what he was doing. He had no control.
-
Leeteuk halted the van abruptly in the parking space, racing his hands through his hair as he blindly felt for the keys and cut off the humble roar of the engine. Resting his head on the hand gripping the wheel, he closed his eyes and took a moment to catch his breath. He felt a strange anxiety in his heart. He had never been so eager to meet someone to say sorry. Part of him wondered if that’s why he wanted to meet Kyuhyun. He opened his eyes and jumped out his seat, shutting the door with a loud thud, and hurried over to the entrance of the hospital.
It was still early in the evening and the hospital corridors were packed with doctors, nurses, staffs and other visitors. Although it was crowded with people, making it harder for him to move faster, Leeteuk made his way through them with a stubborn kind of determination. Room No. 203…it kept repeating in his head like a broken record. Kyuhyun. He needed to meet Kyuhyun. He felt like seeing him would somehow ease his heart. He didn’t know why, though.
“Oh my! Isn’t that Leeteuk from Super Junior?”
“He looks mighty good in person, doesn’t he?”
“Why’s he here?”
He heard some staff and other people gasp and whisper as he raced past them.
203…203…203…
He was about to enter an elevator but then decided otherwise. He raced up the stairs, panting and gasping for breath. His heart had lunged to his throat and he wished he knew the reason for his sudden uneasiness. The fact that he didn’t brought him even more discomfort. The closer he got to the room, the more restless he felt. He was the man trying to catch the last train home. He was tripping all along his way and was scared that if he stumbles upon something he might reach late. But what’s wrong with reaching late?
But what he feared the most at the moment did happen at last. He slipped and fell flat on the floor at a bend. His breath was knocked out of his lungs and he paused, counting milliseconds, as he grabbed the wall, before he steadied himself once more. His heart was about to rip open his chest. He did not want to waste time.
203…203…203…
More gasps and whispers he heard on his way, but he cared less about them. He had his mind set on one particular goal.
Kyuhyun.
-
Kyuhyun sat facing her, thinking about nothing and everything all at once. His fear had subsided for the moment as he sat there gazing at her. Time had paused; and he wished to do away with the remote.
For the first time in his life had he ever felt this way. Everything felt so calm. He wanted the moment to freeze.
Where has he seen her?
How does he know her?
Why can’t she see him?
The girl twitched all of a sudden and right at that instant Kyuhyun felt an unexpected pang of pain on his arm. It burned, but it wasn’t sore. His thoughts were converged on more intense feelings.
I don’t know who you are, but is it ok if I want to help you…protect you…
From the corner of his eyes, Kyuhyun saw something thrash at the girl. She whimpered in pain, clutching her arm, on which he could see a lucid stroke of red. Kyuhyun deduced it late that she was whipped. He felt it too.
It’s okay if you don’t know who I am. It’s okay if you don’t know that I’m here. It’s okay…everything’s okay…you’re okay…
The next whip dug deep into the girl’s neck. She cried out loud, tears streaming down her beautiful eyes. The skin around Kyuhyun’s neck burned painfully.
I don’t know why you’re sad, don’t know why you’re crying, but I want to make you smile. I want to be the reason for your smile…
-
Room No. 203
Leeteuk’s eyes locked upon the familiar number. He rushed to the door and fidgeted with the door knob, cursing when his trembling hands didn’t tag along with his brain, before he finally got a hold of it. He slammed the door open and stumbled his way in, but the room was dark and he couldn’t see a thing.
“Kyuhyun.” Leeteuk called out, his chest heaving up and down, out of breath after much running. He waited but he got no reply.
“Kyuhyun, it’s Leeteuk.” His breath quickened in terror. He blindly made his way in and around, trying hard to adjust to the dark surrounding. “Are you still mad at me?”
He walked further into the room when his eyes had adjusted partially, searching for the bed where Kyuhyun lay. He finally reached the bed after much difficulty, his legs felt weak and shaky and his eyes were straining with intensity and each breath of his was a sharp cut in the otherwise dead air and his hands trembling violently till the tip of his fingers as he -
“Kyuhyun!” Leeteuk’s voice was shrill in terror. He pulled up the bedcovers and swept his hands over the bed frantically searching for what wasn’t there but definitely should be. He looked under his bed, inside the restroom, behind the table -
Leeteuk stopped cold when he heard scraping on the floor and faint…sobs? He turned his head slightly towards the direction from where he thought the faint sound was coming, and strained his ear to listen carefully. He bent down the bed again, stressing his eyesight so as to see in the dark, and from under the bed he saw a dark figure lying beside the monitor table, covering his head and writhing pitifully on the floor. Leeteuk jumped in realization.
“Kyuhyun!” Leeteuk rushed over to Kyuhyun’s side and helped him sit up. Kyuhyun had tears streaming down his face even though his eyes were tight shut, as if he were in deep pain.
“Kyuhyun open your eyes. It’s me. It’s me!” Leeteuk said, brushing Kyuhyun’s hair out of his face. Leeteuk’s gut twisted ruthlessly as he swayed back and forth with Kyuhyun in his embrace. But Kyuhyun twisted and turned with his eyes closed, not uttering a single word. He kept groaning and cringing and Leeteuk’s eyes were wide and he was panicking because he didn't know what he could do. He felt helpless.
-
The force of the next whip made him fall back. The belt dug into the tender skin of his shoulder and it throbbed with pain. The girl wailed with all her might.
I’m sorry for not being here before but I’m here now…
The man kept exerting more force with each strike and Kyuhyun couldn’t stop him even if he wanted to. The belt showered on the girl and she started howling with pain. Kyuhyun felt each thrash and the pain accompanying it as if it were his own. He couldn’t take the beatings anymore, which had only added to the pain he had attained in his recent accident. He unintentionally curled into a ball on the cold floor, hiding his face with his arms, as the thrashing dug deeper, harder. He felt light headed and weak as he flitted in and out consciousness.
Someone tell her that I’m here with her…for her…
He struggled to stay conscious, but the numbness was so alluring…
He raised his head to see the girl one last time before he woke up from this world of fantasy and reached out his hand.
Tell her I’ll always be…
-
“Kyuhyun! Kyuhyun! What’s wrong, Kyuhyun? What’s wrong?” Leeteuk shook Kyuhyun’s frail shoulder tenderly, as if fearing that they may break.
As Kyuhyun slowly gained consciousness, he unwillingly opened his eyes, taking his time. He found that the man was gone, and the girl was gone, but Leeteuk was there - right beside him, with his arms around him. He sputtered words of incoherency as he looked at Leeteuk with shock. He could not figure why Leeteuk would still be with him after their previous little incident, but he still was, and Kyuhyun could not bring himself to stop smiling as he basked in his warmth, his presence. He closed his eyes, taking in however much he could in whatever little time he had with him.
Seeing Kyuhyun smile only but magnified Leeteuk’s worry. He genuinely considered that the younger has most probably lost his senses. “Kyuhyun, what’s wrong?” Leeteuk asked.
“Are you not mad at me?” Kyuhyun strained; every word a painful jab at his constricted chest.
Leeteuk looked at Kyuhyun with a peculiar expression. “What is this about?”Leeteuk asked, bewildered. He didn’t note how Kyuhyun had skillfully steered away from his previous question. “No. No! I’m not mad at you. Why would - I was about to ask you the same!” he said in panic almost, as it dawned upon him that Kyuhyun had been referring to the morning’s incident. “I - I’m sorry Kyuhyun. This - I - please - just, please - forgive me.”
Kyuhyun could feel his spirits lift and he smiled gleefully, sitting up from Leeteuk’s arms, and holding onto his wrists he looked straight into Leeteuk’s eyes and said - “The feeling’s mutual then.” He gently squeezed his wrists. “Forgive me.”
Leeteuk thought Kyuhyun looked so much younger than he was when he smiled like that. It reminded him that he was still a child. Seeing him smile brought a smile to his lips. It was like a huge burden was finally lifted off his shoulder. He felt light, he felt at ease. A part of his brain was totaled - now that he was sure that Kyuhyun was alright - and it sealed itself off, folding and crumbling away all the worries, the doubts. A smaller part of his brain wanted to unravel the doubts. He tucked away the thoughts for the moment.
“You scared the shit out of me!” he said, laughing nervously as Kyuhyun loosened the grip on his wrists. He wanted him to hold on longer. He wanted to feel that presence around his skin, wanted to know that this was reality.
Kyuhyun broke into a small smile, then there were a few giggles from both, and then they ended up laughing noisily, their laughter ringing around them in the scanty room. Kyuhyun mused over how different his world was from hers. How all he gets here is love and how all he gets there are painful thrashes. How the pain he received here is so much different than the pain he receives there. How he loves being here because of the love and attention he gets from his members, his fans, and how he wants to go back there, where he’s hurt and unnoticed, just because he wants to see her again. How the accident changed his attitude and how that dream is about to change his life. How he loves his members and how he…
Kyuhyun was stuck in the middle of two worlds, two beliefs, two sentiments.
She was gone for now.
But they’ll meet again.
-
Rating : PG-13
Genre : Thriller
Length : ~5,200 words
Summary : Super Junior members are the victims of a drastic accident, a life changing one - quite literally.
A/N : omg I already had this written so, so long ago. Don't know why i took so much time to post it.
-
His eyes filled with hatred and he continued in a sinister voice…“I hate your presence. And I never want to see you again.”
Kyuhyun stood there, looking down upon her quaking figure, hearing her sniffle and sob, and he felt the hatred slowly ebbing away. He tried his best to will the anger to stay. He should be feeling annoyed, infuriated, and not how he felt that instant. Precisely not how he felt at that instant. His eyes still locked upon her, he started questioning the weird feelings rising within him again, feelings he wasn’t used to, feelings he didn’t understand. He sighed in hopelessness - throwing his head back he covered his face with his palms.
As soon as he let his thoughts run untamed the numbness filled his heart again.
What is happening to me? He questioned himself, although knowing that he didn’t have the answer to that.
-
After the little incident back at the hospital Siwon, Eunhyuk and Donghae had brought Leeteuk back to the dorm, so that he could take some time to be alone and rethink what he had done. And as for Leeteuk himself, he didn’t know what had gotten into him. As he sat at the edge of his bed - his head hanging down and his eyes locked on the intricate patterns on his floor carpet - scenes from the hospital room played like a movie reel in his mind.
“You should have told us if you were still weak Kyuhyun ah.” He remembered how worried he was when the doctor told him that Kyuhyun was still weak. He believed that if Kyuhyun had told him earlier the situation could have been taken care of, and he wouldn’t have been in the hospital again.
But then Kyuhyun went on and said,“I’m sorry hyung. I didn’t mean to ruin the trip for you.” How could he be so silly? So foolishly ridiculous to actually think that the trip mattered more for him? To tell the truth, Leeteuk was quite affronted by it. It was as if Kyuhyun had somehow thought that Leeteuk would give more importance to the trip than his health. He shook his head at the thought. Kyuhyun looked really apologetic though, as if the trip was something very important. Then it struck him. His pupils enlarged in sudden realization. Of course he thought it was something very important for him. It was Kyuhyun’s first trip with all his members after recovering from the accident. His first trip after being sick for so long. He wanted to enjoy with his brothers. And he thought Leeteuk would have been feeling the same about the trip, and so he thought he ruined it for him. And so he apologized. As this realization dawned upon him the thought of Kyuhyun actually thinking so somehow didn’t seem so offensive at all. He was just looking out for Leeteuk. What did he do so wrong?
Leeteuk groaned and grabbed his head between his hands. He felt like banging his head against the floor for being so dull-witted.
“Do you think none of us care for you??”
"Do you think some stupid trip matters more than your safety??”
“Do you think you care for us more than we care for you???”
Tugging at his hair, Leeteuk let out a deep sigh.
He did. Kyuhyun did care for all of them. More than they ever could. He was mature in that way - in his thoughts. Mature than him, the eldest member of Super Junior. And all Leeteuk ever did was pretend to be the leader, pretend that he knew everyone, understood everything. He tugged harder as guilt washed over him. What was I thinking? he mumbled to himself. I should have thought twice before speaking like that to him. He must’ve been so hurt. Leeteuk had this sudden feeling, like he didn’t know himself anymore, like there was another man hiding inside him, exposing only with a sudden burst of raw emotion. He bit his lower lip when the scene replayed in his head for what seemed to be the hundredth time. Disgusted by his own actions, he lay down on the bed and gaped at the ceiling, arms wide across. This was no time to feel guilty and whine about it. He needed to make amends.
-
Kyuhyun let out a small groan. He wasn’t used to being so unsure about his own feelings. He was the one who always had a solution to everything, the one to whom everyone turned to for advice. He was the one with all the calculated moves and preplanned saunter. He was the one who scheduled his days and checked his talk, his emotions and his thoughts. He was always prepared. But he wasn’t prepared for this. This wasn’t planned. It threw him off of his axis, his surety wavering like a lone leaf in a strong breeze.
He sighed again, as he has been quite frequently, and removed his hands from his face. The girl was still there, crouching before him, wiping the stray tears running down her flushed cheeks. Gazing at her, Kyuhyun had a sudden urge to sit and comfort her, ask her about what’s wrong. But he knew this wasn’t right. Because he hated her. He hated her for turning his world upside down in a matter of days. He hated her for making others mad at him. He hated her for giving him much pain, and he didn’t know how she did that. He hated for the weird feelings that grew within him every time she was around. He hated her for making him worry about her, even though he hated her…
Kyuhyun lowered his head and massaged his temples in slow motions. His confused state of mind annoyed him to no limits, stacking up on the already long list of worries. What was he to do? Should he help? Should he not? Maybe he should, or maybe not. He smacked the back of his head for being so uncertain.
He sighed and looked at the girl.
He thought she looked so sad.
He smacked himself again.
Don’t think that! You don’t like her. There was a voice at the back of his mind. He could feel it, like pinpricks inside his brain. The devil presumably? He could feel its bitterness rising. Kyuhyun could strangely feel it too, as if the feeling were his own. It was etched into his mind, latching onto his stream of emotions.
But then he looked at her, body trembling violently with each sob, and pity rose inside him. But she looks so broken. He thought, as if speaking to the devil himself.
She hurts you! the devil tried to stop him as he took a step towards her. Kyuhyun paused midstep as he felt the jolt of anger which shot through his body, momentarily paralyzing him. He knew these feelings were not his and he wasn’t sure if he should be accepting them, but he was falling for it nevertheless.
Kyuhyun took a moment to think about what the devil had said. He knew that this girl was no more than trouble for him, but he didn’t know why, he didn’t know what it was that made him believe that she’s different than she seems. Something told him that she’s not someone to run away from. Something told him she’s not bad news. Kyuhyun tried to reason otherwise. He thought he should help her, not because instincts told him so, but because of humanity. Kyuhyun chose humanity. But we don’t know if ‘she’ does that, do we? Kyuhyun tried to clarify, taking another step towards her.
The devil within him knew he was losing his grip over him. He wasn’t going to let him go. She never pays attention to your presence! the devil tried his best to win over him. She doesn’t want you here! he said, carefully drawing out his words so that it settled slowly, and heavily, into his mind.
Kyuhyun stopped dead on his way. He knew that the devil is nothing more than a creation of his own mind, feeding on his fears, the creator of misery and melancholy. But he couldn’t help but rethink his good intentions. What would he get if he helps her? How can he be sure that she’s not an illusion? Even if she’s real, why should he help out a stranger who has caused him so much grief in the past few days? And if she doesn’t even want him here…
Doesn’t…… want me here? he questioned the devil, who was reveling in Kyuhyun’s uncertainty. His eyes were still on her, watching her every movement with much interest, trying to make out her thoughts through her actions. If only he could figure out what she was thinking, making this decision would have become so much simpler.
If only he could…
Kyuhyun knelt down before her, adjusting his stance so he could have a look at her, maybe even wipe her tears for her. But she had her head down low, blocking her face from his view. What was this strange connection that he felt with her? Why does she make him want to decide in the first place? What’s that thing in her, the thing which made him want to know more about her?
Kyuhyun straightened up with a jerk. This wasn’t going very well. He needed to stop before he did something stupid he’d regret. You’re right. Maybe she doesn’t. Kyuhyun spoke with hesitation, as if he feared it. Why does the fact that she doesn’t want him here hurt him more than his accident? Why does it bother him so much? Why does he want to stay with her? And it was just a while ago when he was convinced that he didn’t want to see her again…
He tilted his head to a side, looking at her closely, his eyes portraying hints grief and doubt. Yes! Leave. You don’t belong here! the devil spoke with much enthusiasm, as if laughing at his indecisiveness. Kyuhyun felt sickened. It insulted him that this devil was a dark part of his own thoughts.
He wasn’t going to let the devil win.
Or maybe… Kyuhyun spoke again, remnants of hope still burning within him. He felt the devil’s distress, anticipating his next words. Kyuhyun smiled inwardly. He knew these negative feelings were a subconscious part of him, and he should keep them at control, not the other way round. Maybe she doesn’t know I’m here. He wasn’t going to let a creation of his mind order him around.
If there was anywhere he belonged right then, it was there, with her…
With that confirmed, he knew no more thoughts could stop him. He gathered all his pent-up courage and raised his hand to lift her face.
-
Leeteuk found himself standing at a roadside bend.
Where am I? he thought as he looked around. The road was nearly empty save for the few lights glimmering from a tiny roadside stall, a few yards away from where he stood. The wind was a soothing cool against his skin but he was still sweating. He looked up and saw the trees dancing to the breeze. Strangely, it felt like déjà-vu. Have I been here before? He looked the other way and noticed a young couple, standing across each other, hand in hand. Knowingly, he smiled to himself but then noticed the tension lingering between them. The guy was desperately repeating something over and over while the girl had her head down low, in a repentant way. He tried but couldn’t really make out what they were saying. Right at that instant, amidst all the confusion, something within him demanded him to turn around.
As he did so, he noticed a black minivan with tinted windows, like that of a celebrity, speeding his way. And before he had time to realize that he should probably get out of the way, he saw the van overturn at the road bend. His eyes widened with astonishment when he saw the van hit the floor with a colossal bang and watched as the windows shattered on the impact. Leeteuk instinctively ducked low to the ground and wrapped his head with his arms. The van came to a screeching halt right before him, stopping inches from where he was crouched. After his heartbeat had relatively slowed down and his brain adjusted to the scene right before his eyes, Leeteuk stood up hesitantly, gasping for breath. After a few moments of stillness, he jumped right into action, deciding to take responsibility for anyone who was hurt.
The van was lying on its back and the doors were jammed. Pressing his foot against the side of the van, Leeteuk tried his best to pry open the blocked doors, but thinking that he was just wasting his time and effort, Leeteuk bent down and crashed the remainder of the broken window with his bare hands. He had to struggle a bit as he pulled out a person from within. The man looked seriously injured, with shreds of glasses piercing his entire back. Leeteuk’s heart unexpectedly started pacing faster, his forehead was dripping sweat and his breathing came out in jagged spurts as he slowly turned the man around.
The man groaned in pain and whispered in a semi-conscious state, “Kyuhyun ah…”
Leeteuk jumped awake. He was was panting fiercely and looking right at his ceiling. There was no road, no trees, no tiny stalls, no boy, no girl, no accident. He was in his room.
A dream.
He sat up in a hurry and wiped his sweaty face with a trembling hand. He was still gasping for breath and tried hard to calm down.
But he just couldn’t.
Instead his heartbeat accelerated as a feeling of uneasiness swallowed him whole.
He bounced off his bed. He needed to meet Kyuhyun.
As. Soon. As. Possible.
He grabbed his jacket - pulling it over his pajamas - and the extra keys to their van, and rushed out of his room. On his way out he came across Siwon, Donghae and Eunhyuk in the living room whispering to each other not so politely. From the look on their faces, he could tell that they were talking about something vital.
Leeteuk didn’t have to think twice about what they were discussing.
He slipped into his shoes, not bothering to stop and tell them about where he was headed to, but lingering enough till he was sure that they had noticed him leaving. He needed to meet Kyuhyun before his heart exploded with guilt. He could tell the others later, when everything was solved out. When he had figured out why his beat so fast at the thought of Kyuhyun. When he was sure that Kyuhyun was, indeed, safe.
Siwon, Donghae and Eunhyuk looked up at Leeteuk’s receding figure as if they’d encountered a ghost. They only wished Leeteuk didn’t hear them gossiping - about him. But where was he going?
“Hyung!” Siwon called out first, shifting from the couch in hurried motions and making his way towards Leeteuk, but Leeteuk hung his head hung low, pretending as if he didn’t hear.
“Hyung…” Siwon seized Leeteuk by his shoulders firmly, not enough to hurt him, but enough to stop him. “Hyung, where are you going? You should rest.” Siwon’s voice was soft but rigid, having a domineering edge to it, telling Leeteuk that he has to rest, but he could say no if he wanted to.
And that’s how Leeteuk was the leader, not Siwon.
Leeteuk gave Siwon one stern look and Siwon instantly loosened his grip around Leeteuk’s shoulder.
“I need to go somewhere.” Leeteuk said. “It’s important.” He made it sound like it was the most obvious statement in the world.
“I’ll be back soon.” He continued, not meeting eyes with any of them, and walked out of the room, leaving the remaining three at a loss of words.
-
Kyuhyun tentatively touched her chin. He expected her to shy away, but she didn’t. The touch felt peculiar. Her skin was unnaturally hard and cold, moist but still firm, as if she was carved out of stone.
Unknowingly, his heart sank. What was he expecting? This was a dream. But he couldn’t help but feel otherwise. Intuition told him that this wasn’t a dream. It couldn’t be. Everything he was feeling, physically and emotionally, felt so real, so life-like.
Or was it just him?
Was ‘he’ being too stubborn to accept the fact that she was not real?
Pushing past the negative thoughts that were growing within him again, Kyuhyun reminded himself of his motive. He needed to help her. He wanted to help her. Right when he was about to lift her face up, she stiffened. Sensing that something’s not right, Kyuhyun immediately recoiled. She stopped sobbing and it was as if every other sound in the room abruptly fell silent. Kyuhyun hadn’t even realized if there were any other sounds except for her sobbing and his rapidly swelling heartbeat. Now, it was so eerily quiet that he could feel his heart throbbing painfully in against his eardrums. He had this gut feeling which told him that something’s wrong.
It was then that he first saw her face.
She slowly lifted her face and Kyuhyun expected her to look at him, but she was looking at something over his shoulder. It saddened him to see her pale, porcelain like face tainted with her tears and her dark eyes reflecting panic. But instead of feeling sorry for her, he felt anxious.
Something about the look in her eyes was not right.
Voices were screaming inside his head and it was like every alarm present in this world was ringing in his ears.
Something is not right! Something is NOT right! The words kept repeating inside his head. Hesitantly, he followed her gaze, turning his head towards the entrance of the room, and saw a man, a bit heavy for his age, looking down at them with an enraged look on his face. He immediately recognized the man as the person who was with this girl the first night he had seen her. Kyuhyun tensed up. He didn’t know how this man would react to him being here with this girl.
He saw the man open his mouth. He saw him speaking.
Kyuhyun’s brows knit in confusion. He strained his ears but…
Kyuhyun looked at the man with a bewildered expression.
…He couldn’t hear the man speak.
Kyuhyun slightly leaned forward, trying his best to figure out what the man was saying - or should he say screaming - but whatever he did, whichever way he adjusted himself, however much he tried, he just couldn’t hear him speak. Kyuhyun’s head was in a complete daze now. The man was definitely speaking. His lips moved in an inaudible pace and Kyuhyun couldn’t comprehend what the man was saying. The only thing he could hear was his heart pumping with all its might and the girl starting to sob again.
He turned to look at her and saw her cringing in fear, sinking further into the wall even though there was barely any more space for her to, her hands and knees drawn close to her body and her face buried between her knees. It was then that he realized that the man was in fact not yelling at them; he was yelling at her. It was then that he realized he was a mere spectator of this picture. He was there, but still not really there. He wondered if the thought actually comforted him. He reached out his hand and lightly touched her trembling shoulder. Even if most part of him believed that she was an illusion, he was strangely getting used to them.
It did not matter anymore - whether she was real or just a fragment of his imagination - he wanted to be here. With her. For her.
Kyuhyun subconsciously inched towards her, separating her from the man.
He had no idea as to what he was doing. He had no control.
-
Leeteuk halted the van abruptly in the parking space, racing his hands through his hair as he blindly felt for the keys and cut off the humble roar of the engine. Resting his head on the hand gripping the wheel, he closed his eyes and took a moment to catch his breath. He felt a strange anxiety in his heart. He had never been so eager to meet someone to say sorry. Part of him wondered if that’s why he wanted to meet Kyuhyun. He opened his eyes and jumped out his seat, shutting the door with a loud thud, and hurried over to the entrance of the hospital.
It was still early in the evening and the hospital corridors were packed with doctors, nurses, staffs and other visitors. Although it was crowded with people, making it harder for him to move faster, Leeteuk made his way through them with a stubborn kind of determination. Room No. 203…it kept repeating in his head like a broken record. Kyuhyun. He needed to meet Kyuhyun. He felt like seeing him would somehow ease his heart. He didn’t know why, though.
“Oh my! Isn’t that Leeteuk from Super Junior?”
“He looks mighty good in person, doesn’t he?”
“Why’s he here?”
He heard some staff and other people gasp and whisper as he raced past them.
203…203…203…
He was about to enter an elevator but then decided otherwise. He raced up the stairs, panting and gasping for breath. His heart had lunged to his throat and he wished he knew the reason for his sudden uneasiness. The fact that he didn’t brought him even more discomfort. The closer he got to the room, the more restless he felt. He was the man trying to catch the last train home. He was tripping all along his way and was scared that if he stumbles upon something he might reach late. But what’s wrong with reaching late?
But what he feared the most at the moment did happen at last. He slipped and fell flat on the floor at a bend. His breath was knocked out of his lungs and he paused, counting milliseconds, as he grabbed the wall, before he steadied himself once more. His heart was about to rip open his chest. He did not want to waste time.
203…203…203…
More gasps and whispers he heard on his way, but he cared less about them. He had his mind set on one particular goal.
Kyuhyun.
-
Kyuhyun sat facing her, thinking about nothing and everything all at once. His fear had subsided for the moment as he sat there gazing at her. Time had paused; and he wished to do away with the remote.
For the first time in his life had he ever felt this way. Everything felt so calm. He wanted the moment to freeze.
Where has he seen her?
How does he know her?
Why can’t she see him?
The girl twitched all of a sudden and right at that instant Kyuhyun felt an unexpected pang of pain on his arm. It burned, but it wasn’t sore. His thoughts were converged on more intense feelings.
I don’t know who you are, but is it ok if I want to help you…protect you…
From the corner of his eyes, Kyuhyun saw something thrash at the girl. She whimpered in pain, clutching her arm, on which he could see a lucid stroke of red. Kyuhyun deduced it late that she was whipped. He felt it too.
It’s okay if you don’t know who I am. It’s okay if you don’t know that I’m here. It’s okay…everything’s okay…you’re okay…
The next whip dug deep into the girl’s neck. She cried out loud, tears streaming down her beautiful eyes. The skin around Kyuhyun’s neck burned painfully.
I don’t know why you’re sad, don’t know why you’re crying, but I want to make you smile. I want to be the reason for your smile…
-
Room No. 203
Leeteuk’s eyes locked upon the familiar number. He rushed to the door and fidgeted with the door knob, cursing when his trembling hands didn’t tag along with his brain, before he finally got a hold of it. He slammed the door open and stumbled his way in, but the room was dark and he couldn’t see a thing.
“Kyuhyun.” Leeteuk called out, his chest heaving up and down, out of breath after much running. He waited but he got no reply.
“Kyuhyun, it’s Leeteuk.” His breath quickened in terror. He blindly made his way in and around, trying hard to adjust to the dark surrounding. “Are you still mad at me?”
He walked further into the room when his eyes had adjusted partially, searching for the bed where Kyuhyun lay. He finally reached the bed after much difficulty, his legs felt weak and shaky and his eyes were straining with intensity and each breath of his was a sharp cut in the otherwise dead air and his hands trembling violently till the tip of his fingers as he -
“Kyuhyun!” Leeteuk’s voice was shrill in terror. He pulled up the bedcovers and swept his hands over the bed frantically searching for what wasn’t there but definitely should be. He looked under his bed, inside the restroom, behind the table -
Leeteuk stopped cold when he heard scraping on the floor and faint…sobs? He turned his head slightly towards the direction from where he thought the faint sound was coming, and strained his ear to listen carefully. He bent down the bed again, stressing his eyesight so as to see in the dark, and from under the bed he saw a dark figure lying beside the monitor table, covering his head and writhing pitifully on the floor. Leeteuk jumped in realization.
“Kyuhyun!” Leeteuk rushed over to Kyuhyun’s side and helped him sit up. Kyuhyun had tears streaming down his face even though his eyes were tight shut, as if he were in deep pain.
“Kyuhyun open your eyes. It’s me. It’s me!” Leeteuk said, brushing Kyuhyun’s hair out of his face. Leeteuk’s gut twisted ruthlessly as he swayed back and forth with Kyuhyun in his embrace. But Kyuhyun twisted and turned with his eyes closed, not uttering a single word. He kept groaning and cringing and Leeteuk’s eyes were wide and he was panicking because he didn't know what he could do. He felt helpless.
-
The force of the next whip made him fall back. The belt dug into the tender skin of his shoulder and it throbbed with pain. The girl wailed with all her might.
I’m sorry for not being here before but I’m here now…
The man kept exerting more force with each strike and Kyuhyun couldn’t stop him even if he wanted to. The belt showered on the girl and she started howling with pain. Kyuhyun felt each thrash and the pain accompanying it as if it were his own. He couldn’t take the beatings anymore, which had only added to the pain he had attained in his recent accident. He unintentionally curled into a ball on the cold floor, hiding his face with his arms, as the thrashing dug deeper, harder. He felt light headed and weak as he flitted in and out consciousness.
Someone tell her that I’m here with her…for her…
He struggled to stay conscious, but the numbness was so alluring…
He raised his head to see the girl one last time before he woke up from this world of fantasy and reached out his hand.
Tell her I’ll always be…
-
“Kyuhyun! Kyuhyun! What’s wrong, Kyuhyun? What’s wrong?” Leeteuk shook Kyuhyun’s frail shoulder tenderly, as if fearing that they may break.
As Kyuhyun slowly gained consciousness, he unwillingly opened his eyes, taking his time. He found that the man was gone, and the girl was gone, but Leeteuk was there - right beside him, with his arms around him. He sputtered words of incoherency as he looked at Leeteuk with shock. He could not figure why Leeteuk would still be with him after their previous little incident, but he still was, and Kyuhyun could not bring himself to stop smiling as he basked in his warmth, his presence. He closed his eyes, taking in however much he could in whatever little time he had with him.
Seeing Kyuhyun smile only but magnified Leeteuk’s worry. He genuinely considered that the younger has most probably lost his senses. “Kyuhyun, what’s wrong?” Leeteuk asked.
“Are you not mad at me?” Kyuhyun strained; every word a painful jab at his constricted chest.
Leeteuk looked at Kyuhyun with a peculiar expression. “What is this about?”Leeteuk asked, bewildered. He didn’t note how Kyuhyun had skillfully steered away from his previous question. “No. No! I’m not mad at you. Why would - I was about to ask you the same!” he said in panic almost, as it dawned upon him that Kyuhyun had been referring to the morning’s incident. “I - I’m sorry Kyuhyun. This - I - please - just, please - forgive me.”
Kyuhyun could feel his spirits lift and he smiled gleefully, sitting up from Leeteuk’s arms, and holding onto his wrists he looked straight into Leeteuk’s eyes and said - “The feeling’s mutual then.” He gently squeezed his wrists. “Forgive me.”
Leeteuk thought Kyuhyun looked so much younger than he was when he smiled like that. It reminded him that he was still a child. Seeing him smile brought a smile to his lips. It was like a huge burden was finally lifted off his shoulder. He felt light, he felt at ease. A part of his brain was totaled - now that he was sure that Kyuhyun was alright - and it sealed itself off, folding and crumbling away all the worries, the doubts. A smaller part of his brain wanted to unravel the doubts. He tucked away the thoughts for the moment.
“You scared the shit out of me!” he said, laughing nervously as Kyuhyun loosened the grip on his wrists. He wanted him to hold on longer. He wanted to feel that presence around his skin, wanted to know that this was reality.
Kyuhyun broke into a small smile, then there were a few giggles from both, and then they ended up laughing noisily, their laughter ringing around them in the scanty room. Kyuhyun mused over how different his world was from hers. How all he gets here is love and how all he gets there are painful thrashes. How the pain he received here is so much different than the pain he receives there. How he loves being here because of the love and attention he gets from his members, his fans, and how he wants to go back there, where he’s hurt and unnoticed, just because he wants to see her again. How the accident changed his attitude and how that dream is about to change his life. How he loves his members and how he…
Kyuhyun was stuck in the middle of two worlds, two beliefs, two sentiments.
She was gone for now.
But they’ll meet again.
-