On My Mother and How I Wish She Had the Good Fortune of Having Been Born a Bird
My mother greeted me, as is her custom on such occasions, with broadly opened arms and a hearty outburst of song. I had just arrived from a brief vacation to Disney's Animal Kingdom, and she was both glad to have me home and eager to have news of my trip. I began, as is my custom on such occasions, by complaining. The variety of wildlife was, I
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Wait - I've got it! I recognize you from a 1958 CIA database film clip out of the government archives that I coincidentally happen to keep next to my bicycle in the garage. The footage shows our agents having just infiltrated a Kiev laboratory housing the most diabolical of Soviet inventions to date - The Time Machine of Continual Revolution. The filthy reds had set out to spread their unsavory brand of communism into the very fabric of time, and succeeded in sending out seven agents to wreak untold havoc on the financial liberties of the future (two of whom were foolishly rocketed into a time period where contemporary physicists expect the earth's orbit to be enveloped by the sun). Our boys finally destroyed the foul machine, but not before thrusting two of our most loyal troops into the portal to challenge the red menace in an uncertain future: iron curtain-era action heroes Captain Gordon 'Shamrock' McFoot and Lieutenant Lancaster P. Vance. Communists of the future beware - expect some two-fisted American liberty your way!
Well 'Dolores' - or should I say, Marya Pavlovna - the jig is up! I would report you to the appropriate authorities, but I'm feeling remarkably lazy at the moment. *Yawn* Wow. Suddenly I don't care. I think I'll take a nap, actually. La-dee-da...
*Is Eldys really feeling lazy, or is he actually the victim of the sinister Soviet Apathy Ray? Will our hero come out of it in time to activate his Let-the-Freedom Ring to summon help? Find out next week on Paranoid Patriotic Terror Machine!!!
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you are the best.
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