Lost in My Thoughts
This is part of an email I sent to Renee a few days ago. Figure that since my life is so "public" with my friends, I should at least let you know what's going on in my head.
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I just can't stand being me anymore. I don't even care about what happens to me. I feel like I'm too "easy-going" with some people and I let them take advantage of me. I want to try to not be so placid. I need help with my apathy. I don't know why I don't care, I just don't. The only thing I care about is you; but I guess I don't care that much because if I did, I'd have a job and be making money for us. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm tired of thinking about what I should do or "need to do" and I don't even give a fuck anymore. Who's even going to give a fuck other than you? I don't know...I just need help, but I'm too afraid to ask anyone for it. I don't want to inconvenience them.... Anyway, I don't know what to think or do or whatever, and I know you don't either. I really don't like bothering you about my problems and bringing you too far down, you know? I just don't know what to do anymore. I ask for help and no one seems to listen. I talk and no one seems to care. I don't know what to do. I'm focusing my efforts on writing my book; when I finish that, I'll see what else there is for me to fuck up. I'm sorry for being an ass to you all the time. I love you so much. You are the world to me, and I wonder what would have become of me had we never met. And you. Would you be who you are now if it weren't for me? Would you have ever learned the things we learned together? I don't know. I found this quote that fits how I feel right now.
"Extraordinary minds are not unlike moths which fly to an inhuman kind of light, brilliant yet scorching and harsh. So many are enamored of the brilliant light; they get too close, scorch their wings, fall and die"
I'm not saying I'm a genius or anything, just that I feel I am meant for something greater than what we have here. I feel that there is something better for me out there, that my time here is limited and I need to get out of this town for my talents (whatever they may be) to grow beyond where they are now. I feel so lost and helpless. I question everything I come across. I can't stand being away from you. I can't stand being with you. You love me, I know this, and it is why I can't stand you. You show me the things in my life that I need to live for. The things I love. You make me care about so much; even when nothing else matters, you piss me off because it's so easy to love you and forget about the things in this world that I so despise. Anyway, I love you; you are the only one for me. Thank-you for trying so hard. Please, whatever may happen in our life together, don't ever blame yourself. You have done so much for me, tried harder than anyone else, supported me when even I wouldn't, and you love me unconditionally. I know there is a god, and "He" allowed us to meet. I thank "Him" every night for giving us the four plus years we've had. I was very afraid last week when I didn't know if you were safe [after the car accident]. I wonder what would happen if I left. How long would you fear a life without me? Would you just move on? Would anyone even care? How long would it take for people to forget me? Would they have expected it? I don't want you to worry; I don't want to do anything at the moment. What good would it do anyway? I'd just be another burden on everyone's shoulders. After all, who would drive them everywhere [this is NOT in response to Nick or any of my friends that ask for rides, this pertains to certain particular people that ONLY ask for rides because they don't want to be inconvenienced by someone else, they'd rather inconvenience me] or complain because they did something I don't agree with? Would any of my "friends" care? They don't invite me to join them anyway; would it even matter?
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That's the end of it. Thought it would maybe bring light to "who" I am as I see myself and not the "me" that others see. Anyway, I think I'm bi-polar because I feel perfectly fine today, even after I lost my hours of writing this morning. I think I'm so apathetic that I don't even care about myself anymore. However, I did do some small exercises in the bathroom before I took a shower. Been thinking about running around the neighborhood around 6.00 each morning. Well, better go. Seeing nothing, doing nothing, thinking nothing.
Good-bye my dearest droogs.
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I just can't stand being me anymore. I don't even care about what happens to me. I feel like I'm too "easy-going" with some people and I let them take advantage of me. I want to try to not be so placid. I need help with my apathy. I don't know why I don't care, I just don't. The only thing I care about is you; but I guess I don't care that much because if I did, I'd have a job and be making money for us. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm tired of thinking about what I should do or "need to do" and I don't even give a fuck anymore. Who's even going to give a fuck other than you? I don't know...I just need help, but I'm too afraid to ask anyone for it. I don't want to inconvenience them.... Anyway, I don't know what to think or do or whatever, and I know you don't either. I really don't like bothering you about my problems and bringing you too far down, you know? I just don't know what to do anymore. I ask for help and no one seems to listen. I talk and no one seems to care. I don't know what to do. I'm focusing my efforts on writing my book; when I finish that, I'll see what else there is for me to fuck up. I'm sorry for being an ass to you all the time. I love you so much. You are the world to me, and I wonder what would have become of me had we never met. And you. Would you be who you are now if it weren't for me? Would you have ever learned the things we learned together? I don't know. I found this quote that fits how I feel right now.
"Extraordinary minds are not unlike moths which fly to an inhuman kind of light, brilliant yet scorching and harsh. So many are enamored of the brilliant light; they get too close, scorch their wings, fall and die"
I'm not saying I'm a genius or anything, just that I feel I am meant for something greater than what we have here. I feel that there is something better for me out there, that my time here is limited and I need to get out of this town for my talents (whatever they may be) to grow beyond where they are now. I feel so lost and helpless. I question everything I come across. I can't stand being away from you. I can't stand being with you. You love me, I know this, and it is why I can't stand you. You show me the things in my life that I need to live for. The things I love. You make me care about so much; even when nothing else matters, you piss me off because it's so easy to love you and forget about the things in this world that I so despise. Anyway, I love you; you are the only one for me. Thank-you for trying so hard. Please, whatever may happen in our life together, don't ever blame yourself. You have done so much for me, tried harder than anyone else, supported me when even I wouldn't, and you love me unconditionally. I know there is a god, and "He" allowed us to meet. I thank "Him" every night for giving us the four plus years we've had. I was very afraid last week when I didn't know if you were safe [after the car accident]. I wonder what would happen if I left. How long would you fear a life without me? Would you just move on? Would anyone even care? How long would it take for people to forget me? Would they have expected it? I don't want you to worry; I don't want to do anything at the moment. What good would it do anyway? I'd just be another burden on everyone's shoulders. After all, who would drive them everywhere [this is NOT in response to Nick or any of my friends that ask for rides, this pertains to certain particular people that ONLY ask for rides because they don't want to be inconvenienced by someone else, they'd rather inconvenience me] or complain because they did something I don't agree with? Would any of my "friends" care? They don't invite me to join them anyway; would it even matter?
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That's the end of it. Thought it would maybe bring light to "who" I am as I see myself and not the "me" that others see. Anyway, I think I'm bi-polar because I feel perfectly fine today, even after I lost my hours of writing this morning. I think I'm so apathetic that I don't even care about myself anymore. However, I did do some small exercises in the bathroom before I took a shower. Been thinking about running around the neighborhood around 6.00 each morning. Well, better go. Seeing nothing, doing nothing, thinking nothing.
Good-bye my dearest droogs.