(no subject)
God, I never thought I would be on the verge of tears thinking about the fact that I am leaving the Netherlands. I never thought that would happen. I'm not even sure why the hell it is happening. I think it is because I am afraid to grow up. This is something else in my life that happened, has a beginning and now it is having its ending. One of my instructors here at AKI, Ernst, told me something important. He told me that in all of our brains there are different doors in there that we open throughout our lives. Well, the first is your beginning, your family, all of that. In his 40-some years of life he said he has opened about 4 doors now. And he turned to me and told me that he thinks I am just opening my second door. Usually I don't understand anything he tries to tell at me. Everything about him is so abstract, everything he says, everything. But this, well, this hit home for me. This really means something. I think maybe he is right. But I am scared. I am scared to grow because that means changes that I don't want; that means losing people; that means good and necessary beginnings, but it also means endings. Time progresses and you can't stop it and sometimes I hate that. It's like I want everything at once. I want the things of my youth and the things to come all at once, but I can't have it. I am scared of the endings and beginnings. I am so fucking scared.