(no subject)
In two weeks time I will be flying home to the states. I will be leaving the Netherlands where I have lived for the past four months. I am very, very excited about this. But I must admit there will be things that I miss and my initial arrival at home will probably be kind of a culture shock. I think I will walk around and think, Do all of these people know what great adventures I've had and what great things I've seen? Do all of these people understand there is so much to see in this world? Do all of these people want to experience the whole world as much as I do? Sometimes the answer to those last two questions is yes, but sometimes it is probably no, and that is kind of disappointing. Or maybe disheartening is a better way to put it.
I am excited to go home and see family and friends. I want to find some way of balancing my want to experience the world with my need to be close with people. I guess the solution to that is to travel with people I know and love. Traveling alone, I realized, can be quite difficult for me. But in the end this experience, while maybe not always what I expected, it has been exactly what I needed it to be. It has done very right by me.
At the same time I am not looking forward to going home. This means I have to face reality in several different ways. I have to go back to school for one. I have to start having assignments and intense work, as compared to the lax approach towards things here. This will be a difficult thing to face, I think. Or at least will take a little time to re-adjust to. But most of all, I have to face the changes that have occurred while I've been living my life abroad. It's like I secretly expect things to be just as they were the day that I left. But I know that is not true. I just wish that it was true. This will be really hard for me to handle and to take in. Mostly I mean this in terms of my situation at home. I mentioned in here a while back about the fact that my maternal grandmother had a quadruple bypass. It came as a surprise and happened quite suddenly, with her just being short of breath. She spent a while in the hospital. Now she is in a senior living facility undergoing physical therapy. Somedays are really good and sometimes she has seemed better than she has been in awhile. But that hasn't been lasting. Lately she has been disoriented. She won't remember things and gets people confused occasionally. She mixes times up. I am hoping this is just a symptom of her seasonal depression kicking in. I am hoping it is nothing more, nothing serious. However, it is hard to convince myself that this is true. One day she called to one of the nurses saying that she wanted the priest standing next to the nurse to talk to her. She wanted to know what he was doing there. She wanted him to come over and talk to her. The only thing is is that there was no priest standing there. The nurse was alone. I would also like to think that maybe she actually saw someone or something. Like a ghost! I just don't know about that, though. But some days she is talkative and carries on conversations when people visit her. But some days she doesn't. The nurses say she cannot come home unless there is an over-night nurse at my grandparents' house. This is because she has been also falling out of bed, usually during the middle of the night. She tells the nurses that she pushes the button for them to come, but they don't answer her pages. Except she never usually pushes the button. Or she just doesn't do it hard enough, anyways. One night she even was sleep walking, supposedly partially nude? She may have been trying to get to the bathroom, but got confused. My grandpa could not take care of her. He is not too bad physically, at least for the time being. But emotionally he can not handle it. He has always been a gruff kind of man, kind of loud and rude to those he loves, but always very emotional and caring at the same time. He has been yelling at my aunt and my mom, although they have done nothing but tried to help. When he yells his words are about being angry with them for being overbearing and taking control of his situation and fate. However, when he yells he is really yelling because he is mad that he is getting old and losing his strength and everything that he physically was. He is yelling because he doesn't want to face or experience these changes. Neither do I. I do not want to face the fact that my grandmother is a different person than when I saw her last. I do not want to face the fact that she may not return to her house next door to mine. I do not want to face the fact that things have changed.
This is going to be so hard to face, and yet I am sure I will handle it fine on the outside. But inside, I will be thinking, 'why do things have to change.' Inside I will be wishing things did not have to change. Well... I guess it is not always true that I do not want or welcome change. In fact, sometimes I welcome it openly. For instance, this time I have been living and studying abroad. So, I guess it is mostly the fear of losing the things in my life that matter most to me.
In my last entry I mentioned writing a list of life goals and plans. I'm not sure that I can do that. I mean, I always have my goals hiding somewhere inside of me. Some of them are not formed into solid things, but I know them, or know what they feel like at least. But as for plans? I have no idea where I am headed and right now I do not think I have the ability to write anything of substance out. I will let things fall into place by themselves.
I am excited to go home and see family and friends. I want to find some way of balancing my want to experience the world with my need to be close with people. I guess the solution to that is to travel with people I know and love. Traveling alone, I realized, can be quite difficult for me. But in the end this experience, while maybe not always what I expected, it has been exactly what I needed it to be. It has done very right by me.
At the same time I am not looking forward to going home. This means I have to face reality in several different ways. I have to go back to school for one. I have to start having assignments and intense work, as compared to the lax approach towards things here. This will be a difficult thing to face, I think. Or at least will take a little time to re-adjust to. But most of all, I have to face the changes that have occurred while I've been living my life abroad. It's like I secretly expect things to be just as they were the day that I left. But I know that is not true. I just wish that it was true. This will be really hard for me to handle and to take in. Mostly I mean this in terms of my situation at home. I mentioned in here a while back about the fact that my maternal grandmother had a quadruple bypass. It came as a surprise and happened quite suddenly, with her just being short of breath. She spent a while in the hospital. Now she is in a senior living facility undergoing physical therapy. Somedays are really good and sometimes she has seemed better than she has been in awhile. But that hasn't been lasting. Lately she has been disoriented. She won't remember things and gets people confused occasionally. She mixes times up. I am hoping this is just a symptom of her seasonal depression kicking in. I am hoping it is nothing more, nothing serious. However, it is hard to convince myself that this is true. One day she called to one of the nurses saying that she wanted the priest standing next to the nurse to talk to her. She wanted to know what he was doing there. She wanted him to come over and talk to her. The only thing is is that there was no priest standing there. The nurse was alone. I would also like to think that maybe she actually saw someone or something. Like a ghost! I just don't know about that, though. But some days she is talkative and carries on conversations when people visit her. But some days she doesn't. The nurses say she cannot come home unless there is an over-night nurse at my grandparents' house. This is because she has been also falling out of bed, usually during the middle of the night. She tells the nurses that she pushes the button for them to come, but they don't answer her pages. Except she never usually pushes the button. Or she just doesn't do it hard enough, anyways. One night she even was sleep walking, supposedly partially nude? She may have been trying to get to the bathroom, but got confused. My grandpa could not take care of her. He is not too bad physically, at least for the time being. But emotionally he can not handle it. He has always been a gruff kind of man, kind of loud and rude to those he loves, but always very emotional and caring at the same time. He has been yelling at my aunt and my mom, although they have done nothing but tried to help. When he yells his words are about being angry with them for being overbearing and taking control of his situation and fate. However, when he yells he is really yelling because he is mad that he is getting old and losing his strength and everything that he physically was. He is yelling because he doesn't want to face or experience these changes. Neither do I. I do not want to face the fact that my grandmother is a different person than when I saw her last. I do not want to face the fact that she may not return to her house next door to mine. I do not want to face the fact that things have changed.
This is going to be so hard to face, and yet I am sure I will handle it fine on the outside. But inside, I will be thinking, 'why do things have to change.' Inside I will be wishing things did not have to change. Well... I guess it is not always true that I do not want or welcome change. In fact, sometimes I welcome it openly. For instance, this time I have been living and studying abroad. So, I guess it is mostly the fear of losing the things in my life that matter most to me.
In my last entry I mentioned writing a list of life goals and plans. I'm not sure that I can do that. I mean, I always have my goals hiding somewhere inside of me. Some of them are not formed into solid things, but I know them, or know what they feel like at least. But as for plans? I have no idea where I am headed and right now I do not think I have the ability to write anything of substance out. I will let things fall into place by themselves.