(no subject)
I don't know if I can do this.
Sometimes I really just don't believe in myself. Well I believe in myself but it is more that I have a fear of failing and of not being part of something. But mostly failing. I have slowly begun to realize that that is one of my greatest fears. You would think that since this is one of my fears I would have some kind of standard for what succeeding would be or what flat-out failing would be. I don't really. Well mostly the one thing I want most of all is to find happiness and I guess maybe I'm afraid I won't find that. Genuine happiness, where warm Sunday mornings and sitting in bed and walking down the street just makes me smile. With warm food and talk about the weather and no worries about health and no teeth-grinding. Clean teeth and bare feet. And cold air but with scarves. And someone who understands and wants these same things.
So I am afraid to go away somewhere new. Because there is nothing comfortable to fall into to hide behind. There is nothing to protect myself from unexpectedness and risky conversations. There isn't a home that I can hide in. It is just me, by myself, in a country with no one that I know. No one I know at all. It is strange how much I depend on people and how badly I need human contact despite my introversion, and my tendency to live inside of my head with one person conversations twittering through my skull and the whispering inside my voice box. I am afraid of not being known? I am afraid that I will always hide. But where am I to hide when I am in the Netherlands? I have already abstractly pictured it but only now have realized it. I picture myself sitting alone on a park bench watching elderly couples and someone running and children playing at a park; or I picture myself riding my bike silently by, but making sure to smile at everyone I pass. I picture these things and then I create some indistinguishable person joining me and finding me out and they make me stop hiding. But I guess maybe I am afraid I will just be completely successful at hiding.
I need to stop but it is not very easy.
Sometimes I really just don't believe in myself. Well I believe in myself but it is more that I have a fear of failing and of not being part of something. But mostly failing. I have slowly begun to realize that that is one of my greatest fears. You would think that since this is one of my fears I would have some kind of standard for what succeeding would be or what flat-out failing would be. I don't really. Well mostly the one thing I want most of all is to find happiness and I guess maybe I'm afraid I won't find that. Genuine happiness, where warm Sunday mornings and sitting in bed and walking down the street just makes me smile. With warm food and talk about the weather and no worries about health and no teeth-grinding. Clean teeth and bare feet. And cold air but with scarves. And someone who understands and wants these same things.
So I am afraid to go away somewhere new. Because there is nothing comfortable to fall into to hide behind. There is nothing to protect myself from unexpectedness and risky conversations. There isn't a home that I can hide in. It is just me, by myself, in a country with no one that I know. No one I know at all. It is strange how much I depend on people and how badly I need human contact despite my introversion, and my tendency to live inside of my head with one person conversations twittering through my skull and the whispering inside my voice box. I am afraid of not being known? I am afraid that I will always hide. But where am I to hide when I am in the Netherlands? I have already abstractly pictured it but only now have realized it. I picture myself sitting alone on a park bench watching elderly couples and someone running and children playing at a park; or I picture myself riding my bike silently by, but making sure to smile at everyone I pass. I picture these things and then I create some indistinguishable person joining me and finding me out and they make me stop hiding. But I guess maybe I am afraid I will just be completely successful at hiding.
I need to stop but it is not very easy.