(no subject)
Last night I was shaking it like a Polaroid picture and my mom did not appreciate it. Although I bet she did and just was pretending that she didn't.
I need to push out of myself and.. I need to push myself--To be better; and to be who I want to be; and to let others see who I am; and to be more outgoing; and to be social; and to be proactive; and to do what I am reluctant to do; and to break away, even just a little, from being introverted despite the comfort I find in it; and...
To do these things there are a few things I feel I should do. I should call people back and I should try to talk to people and ask questions. I should make art. I should care more about art and not take it for granted. I should not do things that make me hate myself after the fact. I should try to be uncomfortable. I should try to grow up and just get my driver's license I should and I need to. I just hope I will.
I should make things happen, I need to make things happen, I will make things happen.
I have some plans in my head about small artworks I want to make. I have not done realistic drawing in a long time. I feel like I need to. For so long I have just found it so boring because it takes me a very long time and because my collage works are a more exiting process for me. The other day I was looking at two pencil drawings that I did in high school, one in sophomore year and one senior year. Looking at them I am very proud. I don't know. I haven't felt proud of my artwork in awhile. Maybe proud isn't the right word. I'm proud of myself, I think maybe accomplished is the word I need to use. Mostly, although ironically, I think I have become more detached from art rather than it becoming a more critical part of my life, despite the fact that now I am at an art school. I am interested in the community arts and working with people outside of the real art world, or at least people who care about things other than just their art. I am more interested in people who are not completely attached to their art and who competitive about art-making. I hate competitive artists and people who think they are better than someone else. In this way I have started to hate art. But that's not true. Art is my life despite my deep hatred for it. Although now I'm beginning to realize that it is not art that I hate. It's just other people's idea of it and approach towards it. So I need to embrace art again. I need to make art for myself. Maybe that is what it is. In high school I was simply driven. Senior year I just worked and worked and created until I couldn't do anymore. I really couldn't. I was simply out of ideas at the time. And since then I have not felt accomplished, and maybe it is because I have not been making art for myself and simultaneously I have been pushing away and just doing what was enough to satisfy my teachers and to get good grades.
I need to go into my room and start creating and listen to lots of music and just get to work. For myself. To find myself.
This is all easier said than done. All of it.
This is the most thinking and conclusion making I have done in awhile. I think it was necessary.
I need to push out of myself and.. I need to push myself--To be better; and to be who I want to be; and to let others see who I am; and to be more outgoing; and to be social; and to be proactive; and to do what I am reluctant to do; and to break away, even just a little, from being introverted despite the comfort I find in it; and...
To do these things there are a few things I feel I should do. I should call people back and I should try to talk to people and ask questions. I should make art. I should care more about art and not take it for granted. I should not do things that make me hate myself after the fact. I should try to be uncomfortable. I should try to grow up and just get my driver's license I should and I need to. I just hope I will.
I should make things happen, I need to make things happen, I will make things happen.
I have some plans in my head about small artworks I want to make. I have not done realistic drawing in a long time. I feel like I need to. For so long I have just found it so boring because it takes me a very long time and because my collage works are a more exiting process for me. The other day I was looking at two pencil drawings that I did in high school, one in sophomore year and one senior year. Looking at them I am very proud. I don't know. I haven't felt proud of my artwork in awhile. Maybe proud isn't the right word. I'm proud of myself, I think maybe accomplished is the word I need to use. Mostly, although ironically, I think I have become more detached from art rather than it becoming a more critical part of my life, despite the fact that now I am at an art school. I am interested in the community arts and working with people outside of the real art world, or at least people who care about things other than just their art. I am more interested in people who are not completely attached to their art and who competitive about art-making. I hate competitive artists and people who think they are better than someone else. In this way I have started to hate art. But that's not true. Art is my life despite my deep hatred for it. Although now I'm beginning to realize that it is not art that I hate. It's just other people's idea of it and approach towards it. So I need to embrace art again. I need to make art for myself. Maybe that is what it is. In high school I was simply driven. Senior year I just worked and worked and created until I couldn't do anymore. I really couldn't. I was simply out of ideas at the time. And since then I have not felt accomplished, and maybe it is because I have not been making art for myself and simultaneously I have been pushing away and just doing what was enough to satisfy my teachers and to get good grades.
I need to go into my room and start creating and listen to lots of music and just get to work. For myself. To find myself.
This is all easier said than done. All of it.
This is the most thinking and conclusion making I have done in awhile. I think it was necessary.