(no subject)
Last night I had a dream about seeing Tyrell.
At first I was performing in a show with the marching band.
I didn't know the sets,
I didn't know the music.
I was center snare again,
But I had been gone for a very long time,
And the show was going to be the first time I tried performing the show in a long time.
I whispered to Mark to nod which way to go,
And he told me he would.
The show started.
And I couldn't do it.
I began running into people.
I tried following the snare section the best I could,
But it was horrible.
We were close to the front of the field so I walked off,
I didn't even take off my snare and I ran to the right.
There was some bleachers really close to the field,
And I ran to the farthest side of them
(I was probably in front of the 20 yard line),
And I huddled in the corner of the bleachers and the wall.
I was trying to disappear.
Tyrell ran over and said, "What are you doing!?"
I told him I didn't know the music,
I didn't know the sets,
I couldn't do it.
He said, "You're not a quitter! Come on."
I didn't move and I'm pretty sure I started to cry.
The next thing I remember is sitting at a table across from Tyrell and Tim.
I apologized, but I said I just couldn't do it.
Tyrell was upset, I think.
And I was upset, and upset that I had disappointed him.
But then I was angry.
And I said quietly, but angrily, "Why didn't you write me back?
I wrote you this long letter,
Why didn't you?"
He told me, "You knew I wouldn't be able to."
I didn't know. I thought he would, or at least hoped he really would.
He told me more reasons about why he really didn't,
But they were the kind of reasons that people spout out because they are trying to find some kind of excuse.
He told me I could visit him whenever I wanted, I could drive to his house.
"I don't have a license."
He walked around the table and gave me a hug.
And he told me that I could use his car to learn.
I told him that I still wished he had written me back.
And he said, "Kelsey, I don't even know you that well."
And when he said you he meant my feelings and my interests and my dreams and my thoughts.
He meant me as a person on a meaningful level,
Not just a surface friend.
I'm not sure why I am so secretly fixed on the fact that he did not write me back.
I guess I was just hoping that he would because I look up to him.
He's not a super role model or anything, but for some reason he has this high importance to me.
I am proud that I had the courage to write to him.
And maybe that is why it upsets me.
Because I had the courage, but I wasn't rewarded for being courageous because he didn't respond.
And maybe he doesn't really want to know me, about more than just the surface-me.
But I guess I want to know more about him.
And I guess that is what is disappointing.
Because I am afraid that he won't reciprocate.
I am afraid of disappointment. I expect the best of people, mostly. Not their worst.
Even when I know I shouldn't. And I'm still disappointed even when I know I shouldn't be.
I'm going to try to see him over spring break.
At first I was performing in a show with the marching band.
I didn't know the sets,
I didn't know the music.
I was center snare again,
But I had been gone for a very long time,
And the show was going to be the first time I tried performing the show in a long time.
I whispered to Mark to nod which way to go,
And he told me he would.
The show started.
And I couldn't do it.
I began running into people.
I tried following the snare section the best I could,
But it was horrible.
We were close to the front of the field so I walked off,
I didn't even take off my snare and I ran to the right.
There was some bleachers really close to the field,
And I ran to the farthest side of them
(I was probably in front of the 20 yard line),
And I huddled in the corner of the bleachers and the wall.
I was trying to disappear.
Tyrell ran over and said, "What are you doing!?"
I told him I didn't know the music,
I didn't know the sets,
I couldn't do it.
He said, "You're not a quitter! Come on."
I didn't move and I'm pretty sure I started to cry.
The next thing I remember is sitting at a table across from Tyrell and Tim.
I apologized, but I said I just couldn't do it.
Tyrell was upset, I think.
And I was upset, and upset that I had disappointed him.
But then I was angry.
And I said quietly, but angrily, "Why didn't you write me back?
I wrote you this long letter,
Why didn't you?"
He told me, "You knew I wouldn't be able to."
I didn't know. I thought he would, or at least hoped he really would.
He told me more reasons about why he really didn't,
But they were the kind of reasons that people spout out because they are trying to find some kind of excuse.
He told me I could visit him whenever I wanted, I could drive to his house.
"I don't have a license."
He walked around the table and gave me a hug.
And he told me that I could use his car to learn.
I told him that I still wished he had written me back.
And he said, "Kelsey, I don't even know you that well."
And when he said you he meant my feelings and my interests and my dreams and my thoughts.
He meant me as a person on a meaningful level,
Not just a surface friend.
I'm not sure why I am so secretly fixed on the fact that he did not write me back.
I guess I was just hoping that he would because I look up to him.
He's not a super role model or anything, but for some reason he has this high importance to me.
I am proud that I had the courage to write to him.
And maybe that is why it upsets me.
Because I had the courage, but I wasn't rewarded for being courageous because he didn't respond.
And maybe he doesn't really want to know me, about more than just the surface-me.
But I guess I want to know more about him.
And I guess that is what is disappointing.
Because I am afraid that he won't reciprocate.
I am afraid of disappointment. I expect the best of people, mostly. Not their worst.
Even when I know I shouldn't. And I'm still disappointed even when I know I shouldn't be.
I'm going to try to see him over spring break.