Fuckin' shit, man.

[olwe]

So it goes like this:

A fuckin' young couple came t' me with a problem. Like, they want t' have lots and lots of pretty young kids but not go through the fuckin' hassle of twelve months of pregnancy and fuckin' misery with the water breakin' and stretch marks and all that shit. So bein' the good samaritan I am (seein' that one of them is my grand-

Comments

[feanaro]

*knocks on lab door*

[olwe]

Eh? Who the fuck are you and what the fuck do ya want?

[feanaro]

I am Fëanor. I don't think I ever properly apologised for you for starting all that kinslaying stuff way back when. I don't know if you even remember. Your pupils were the size of saucers when I declared war on you and everything. Hmmm. You know, forget I said anything.

[olwe]

Quit pullin' my leg. You're not Fëanor. Fëanor had green hair and eyes that blinked the morse code. You're just some chick who busks on the fuckin' streets, man. Here's a fuckin' dollar. Good bye.

[feanaro]

I am too Fëanor! And how dare you fucking speak to me that way! I was like, well respected and a leader of my people and all that shit.

[olwe]

*squints*

You're right, you ARE Fëanor! Fuck! Where's mah gun.

[feanaro]

Don't hurt me! I might cry. Or something. You wouldn't want a weepy former Noldorin king with a spirit of fire trapped inside a very sexy female body on your hands now, would you? I can make you cheeeeeese bread. And I even have a present for you!

*holds up stuffed swan by the neck*

I shot and killed it and stuffed it on your front lawn! Just for you!

[olwe]

...er.

[feanaro]

I can make reaaaaally mean cheesebread? Come on! Forgive me! It was like, sooooo long ago and I don't even remember half the stuff I did back then.

[olwe]

....I like fuckin' cheesebread.

[feanaro]

And I brought wine. Red wine and Swedish chocolates and I can make you cheesebread. You look rather malnourished anyway. In good of a decent meal! And you know what? It's Fëanor to the rescue! I, like, massacred a great chunk of the inhabitants of your kingdom and shit. The least I can do is be your hired elf and cook you proper meals and wash your laundry and stuff. And doing your laundry I see is quite a good idea, judging by the the rags you're wearing now. You're a king for frith's sake! Have you no servants?

[olwe]

They all fuckin' dead, man. Those who weren't fuckin' dead already from the kinslayin' died in my fuckin' lab explosion. Oops.

[feanaro]

Ah. Understood. Well then! I know what you're in dire need of. A bath! Come now, I'll run the hot water for you. Where's the soap?

[olwe]

....er.

[feanaro]

An elf of little words, aren't you?

*takes off his clothes*

Phew! You haven't fucking bathed in months by the smell of you. Oh, there's the soap. Go on, get in the tub. You don't want to get a chill standing around naked all day, now do you?

[olwe]

Jesus Christ Fuckin' Eru, what the fuck are you doin'?!