(no subject)
I'm writing this for you, maybe for me too. Maybe i don't even know why i am writing this. I don't even know what to write. Today sucked obviously.. It hurt too and i know you were trying to make it hurt. I've never seen you that bad before.. and i'm curious to know if that has ever happened, like that, before. Have you ever really hated me for no reason besides this time? I know you probably get sick of saying "I don't know" even when you aren't mad and i apologize for that..I get tired of hearing "I don't know" too.. I just want to comprehend it. What you think, everything. I'm not sure if i believe that you don't think anything about this. When i ask you things and you respond like that,i can't help but wonder if that really is it, or if there is more that you just aren't saying, or trying to figure. That's not even the point of this. I don't even know what the point is. I'm scared... scared to find out if you did do something..If you're okay...It's all i've been thinking about. I don't care about my hurt. I just want to know if you're okay...If you're unharmed...alive. I know that you are alive, but i can't help but worry. You were right about how to hurt me the most, and i hope that you didn't. I'm going to talk to you tonight and try and get everything out. We'll talk about today, about other times, about talking to your dad, and anything else that may come up. I'm not giving up hope. I never will. No matter how foolish you think i am or how stupid you think i am for staying with you, I won't give up. I won't leave you. I will be there. We will get better. Like i said, i'm done forgetting and pretending it didn't happen to just wait for it to happen again. Even if it makes you mad at me, annoyed at me, hate me again... I'm going to keep trying to bring it up. I've made promises to you and I am going to keep them. Sometimes i wonder if it were me with these problems if you would be like i am... Not giving up hope and everything. Being there even if i tell you i don't want you to be. I hope you would..maybe you would see it how i see it. Then again maybe i'de see it how you do... I think that if anything else hasn't been a sign to get help than this definately is. We need to hun...as soon as possible. That wasn't you today Kristen. Even if you think it was, that wasn't you. I know you... You do have problems and i don't mean that in any mean or spiteful way. If possible i mean that in the nicest way possible. But they aren't just yours hun, they're mine too. We will solve them. This ended up seeming like i am reassuring you, but i'm not. I'm just tell you. My purpose isn't to reasure.
Maybe i ought to write of what i thought of today... I don't think that was you. You might try and tell me that it was, but i know that isn't who you are. All the time i was at work i was afraid,i felt sick and i physically hurting inside. I guess it was noticeable too and that doesn't usually happen. I wanted to call your house and ask someone if you got to work alright. I even felt angry a little, but that was only if tonight you still felt like you hated me. I don't understand how you hated me...Maybe it was just because i was there. Maybe i was just the closest target near you. I don't understand how you could hate and have no reason, but keep on hating. How does that work? I want to talk to you about it. I want to know everything. I don't want you to hold back, not a single word. I want you to tell me everything. As hard as that will be i want you to. I believe that there is a point where you can force yourself to talk. Where you can literally push the words out of your mouth. I want you to try and do that... I don't think i'm in way over my head for being with you. I think we both are though.. We've let it gone on for too long. It needs to stop. We need to do things. I wish i could be there right by your side in all of this. It hurts me to know i can't. I want to be there with you and help you through this. I know it isn't just you hun. It's both of us. Neither of us can do this alone. We need each other to do it, we both need do what we have to do to fix this.
You are coming home in an hour and if you don't call me i'm going to call you. I'm going to present the idea of talking about all of this to you. Everything. Hopefully we will too. I love you Kristen. I will not give up hope. I will not stop trying. From this point on i'm not going to sit back and watch and wait. I'm not saying i'm going to force you to do anything. I'm going to interfer though. I'm going to bother you and pester you if i have to. I'm going to apologize in advance if i piss you off at anytime, or make you hate me with a reason. I will be as patient as i have to be in listening to you talk. I know I pressure you sometimes and i hate doing it because i don't mean to and i know it doesn't help. I'm not saying i'm not going to pressure you, if need be i will, but i will sit and wait for you to talk if we are talking. Whenever i do i just never know if you're actually thinking about talking or just sitting there ignoring me... I'm not going to give up though. I know there is hope. I know there is help. It just has to be found. I'm not sure if you'll even read this anytime soon. Does it tell you that i posted something? Do you regularly check to see if i have? Maybe i'll tell you that i did. I'm not sure.
We'll get through this. I know we will. We will get through it together and stay together. I will be your hope when you have none. I love you Kristen. I just hope you know how much.
Maybe i ought to write of what i thought of today... I don't think that was you. You might try and tell me that it was, but i know that isn't who you are. All the time i was at work i was afraid,i felt sick and i physically hurting inside. I guess it was noticeable too and that doesn't usually happen. I wanted to call your house and ask someone if you got to work alright. I even felt angry a little, but that was only if tonight you still felt like you hated me. I don't understand how you hated me...Maybe it was just because i was there. Maybe i was just the closest target near you. I don't understand how you could hate and have no reason, but keep on hating. How does that work? I want to talk to you about it. I want to know everything. I don't want you to hold back, not a single word. I want you to tell me everything. As hard as that will be i want you to. I believe that there is a point where you can force yourself to talk. Where you can literally push the words out of your mouth. I want you to try and do that... I don't think i'm in way over my head for being with you. I think we both are though.. We've let it gone on for too long. It needs to stop. We need to do things. I wish i could be there right by your side in all of this. It hurts me to know i can't. I want to be there with you and help you through this. I know it isn't just you hun. It's both of us. Neither of us can do this alone. We need each other to do it, we both need do what we have to do to fix this.
You are coming home in an hour and if you don't call me i'm going to call you. I'm going to present the idea of talking about all of this to you. Everything. Hopefully we will too. I love you Kristen. I will not give up hope. I will not stop trying. From this point on i'm not going to sit back and watch and wait. I'm not saying i'm going to force you to do anything. I'm going to interfer though. I'm going to bother you and pester you if i have to. I'm going to apologize in advance if i piss you off at anytime, or make you hate me with a reason. I will be as patient as i have to be in listening to you talk. I know I pressure you sometimes and i hate doing it because i don't mean to and i know it doesn't help. I'm not saying i'm not going to pressure you, if need be i will, but i will sit and wait for you to talk if we are talking. Whenever i do i just never know if you're actually thinking about talking or just sitting there ignoring me... I'm not going to give up though. I know there is hope. I know there is help. It just has to be found. I'm not sure if you'll even read this anytime soon. Does it tell you that i posted something? Do you regularly check to see if i have? Maybe i'll tell you that i did. I'm not sure.
We'll get through this. I know we will. We will get through it together and stay together. I will be your hope when you have none. I love you Kristen. I just hope you know how much.