i k n o w i'm not a hopeless case

[olpmafia]

i overheard a conversation today 
confirming the fears of my previous entry.

and i thought:
the interesting part of my position as a single lady is that it is a long-standing, unbroken role.

i think i'm being typecast, 
which is ridiculous and completely unfair.

and here's a funny story: 
every time i tell myself that i've had enough, 
that i'm tired of getting hurt, 
that i won't open myself up again, 
i willingly do so, completely unprompted.

you all can vouch for that.
(reading archives is for suckers,
and those who wish to establish a pattern of behaviour.)

it's not like a dude shows interest and i trick myself into reciprocating -- 
it's really that i get side-tracked 
from my goal of being alone and happy 
by some good deed 
or intelligent conversation 
or surprising occurrence.

[i've got to work on myself before worrying about a co-dependent relationship. ]

i think the problem, on another level, 
is that, like my friends, 
i tend to gravitate toward top-notch dudes 
[with a few many notable exceptions]; 
and though i'm great [in Christ], 
i'm not top-notch to them.

gah.

how depressingly predictable.
how disdainfully perfect.

at least i still have my faith in God
[today; yesterday was different, and so will be tomorrow];

because in the last few weeks, 
my faith in love,
happiness,
memory,
and
judgment
has disintegrated into thin air,
forming a toxic mushroom cloud of disappointment.

at present, i am choking.

you don't need to know the explicit details, really;
but due to the last few weeks,
i think i'm done with love
and the notion of a decent relationship coming my way.

how exhausting.