Fight your liar!
Hurray! It's Eurovision time again! (Yes, a bit late, because the day before yesterday we were BBQing with my parents and afterwards it was too late to watch the ESC and then on Sunday I only typed up half and yesterday the weather was too nice and -- anyway, belated. So I shall watch it now, bit by bit, as if it only got broadcast now. Pretend along, or not, as you desire!)
So, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the
Eurovision Song Contest 2012!
Fog machines! Fireworks! Light effects! Skimpily clad women! Europop! Disco! Drama! Botox! Make-up! Uncalled-for political commentary! Cliché! Neighbour favouritism! WE'VE GOT IT ALL!
*dun dun dun*
LIGHT YOUR FIRE!
Commentary consists of my own snarky thoughts and opinions: You need not agree. I do not speak the gospel truth. (Of course I do, from my subjective perspective, but that is, obviously, subjective.)
Commentary on commentary is based on the German broadcast, i.e. the commentary by Peter Urban.
Preliminaries
"They wanted to offer a spectacular and perfect show, so a German company got to build the Crystal Hall---"
LOL. If this were Germany, the plans for the Crystal Hall would still be pending approval. The actual building wouldn't even have started. Three words: Willy. Brandt. Airport.
I guess that's one thing that dictatorships have going for them: They get stuff done :P
Hm, their intro dancers are sorta out of synch. Can't be that bad a dictatorship then...
WELL WHAT? It's Eurovision night! That means political correctness is taking a holiday anyway!
So one of the Azerbaijanian moderators is called Eldar.
And the motto of this year's ESC is "Light your fire!"
Commence Fëanorian jokes in 3... 2... 1...
...
Also, Eldar (I LOVE THAT NAME DID YOU NOTICE) smiles and moves like a robot. Dude, what's up with that? Is his coat too small? Is he wearing a corset? Did someone shove a stick up his... well anyway, he looks kind of unnatural.
Those "postcards" are really pretty. Can't say Azerbaijan was ever on my touristic radar, but it certainly looks like you could spend a couple of delightful weeks there. Human rights? Eh, don't tell me about human rights. If Egypt and Tunisia were all right for travelling in past years, it's kinda unfair to bash Azerbaijan now.
OKAY LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS NOW. LET THERE BE MUSIC!
The ESC proper. All the countries! All the snark!
New feature this year: Youtube links for your education convenience masochistic enjoyment.
United Kingdom
Blah. Actually not as horrid as I'd expected when I heard the name "Engelbert Humperdinck", but not really that exciting. Probably nice if sung in campfire atmosphere, but clearly not Eurovision material. Did he botox his lips? WHY.
Hungary
Sounds like something I've heard before. Kind of Depeche Mode-y, perhaps? Never got the hype around Depeche Mode.
Albania
Guest commentary by Jörg: "The fifth element for six voices!"
She really does remind me of the Diva in 5th Element. Best thing I can say about this. I guess she's got a good voice and a good range, I'm just not sure she's hitting the right notes. Or maybe I'm just not getting the melody. Or the rhythm. Or anything beyond IS THAT A SNAKE? NO! IT'S HER HAIR!
Lithuania
Unidiomatic English for the blah? Beyond that, sounds like something I've heard before. Possibly by Cher. The 90s called, they want their sound back. Michael Jackson called, he wants his background show back. And the Crazy 88 called, they want their blindfold back.
Bosnia & Herzegovina
I have no idea why, but something about her really turns me off. Either the Bad SciFi Villain Shoulders or the layers of make-up I guess. The song isn't bad, though. A bit boring perhaps. I think it would work as a movie soundtrack.
Russia
Those grannies are so cute. And I really dig their traditional garb. It's so powerfully colourful! Wish I could dig their sound, too, but it's not really that impressive. Good enough for a village karaoke party, not good enough for the big stage. (Though no doubt they'll score well - everyone loves adorable grannies who dare to compete with all those overstyled twenty-somethings.)
Iceland
Sounds like something I've heard before. Like a cross between Nightwish and Blackmore's Night, perhaps, just without Richie Blackmore's guitar, more's the pity. Kind of overblown. Still, wouldn't mind it winning. When did it become fashionable to play a violin while weirdly contorting your body? Is David Garrett to blame? He probably is.
Cyprus
Blah blah blove.
She's 18? With all that make-up, she looks ten years older.
France
Madonna called from the late 90s. She wants her sound back.
A bit repetitive, isn't it? Good for a party or for a motivational CLEAN ALL THE THINGS AND GET STUFF DONE soundtrack, but not really Eurovision material. Also, this is not the acrobatics world championships.
Italy
Look, it's Amy Winehouse's Italian doppelgänger! Without the drug problem (one hopes). Pretty good, actually, and I say that as someone who never cared for Amy Winehouse.
Estonia
Goulash! I really love to eat/ goulash! I eat it every day!/ Goulash! It takes a while to cook!/ Goulash!
Wait, actually the song is called Kuula. Oh well. Not really bad, just blah. Sounds like one of the weaker filler songs from some musical.
Norway
sends some Iranian gangsta rapper prince. Who is really pretty hot, I must admit! Can't say I care for his music, though.
Azerbaijan
Ah, a proper Eurodrama ballad! Seems that the singer stole the gown of Saruman Of Many Colours. Overblown, but otherwise okay. Some less dramatic gesturing wouldn't have hurt. Looks like she's complaining about her costume. "It's so cold! Cold! Cold! And all I got is this flimsy gown!"
Romania
Summer is coming. Romania is providing the beach party soundtrack. With bagpipes? Whatevs. Could be worse. Flimsy red nightgown for the fail though.
Denmark
reminds me of Avril Lavigne. Okay song, in a singer-songwriterly way. Wouldn't mind it winning.
Greece
Typical Greek Europop. It's kind of hard to tell their contributions of different years apart. Oh well, at least they're consistent? After seeing their costumes, I take everything back I said about Romania.
Sweden
If Björk made Electronic Dance pop, this might be what she'd sound like. Kind of catchy, but I'm not getting the euphoria.
Turkey
I keep hearing the singer's name as Can Bonobo. Oops. Song is waaay too repetitive, Shanty or no. Background dancers with bat capes are mostly annoying, except towards the end when they use their bat capes to form a boat. That's kind of cute.
Spain
Intriguing robe. Nice voice. Nice song. I... actually like this. Wouldn't mind it winning.
Germany
TAKE OFF YOUR STUPID HAT FOR SERIOUS IT LOOKS RIDICULOUS. Okay singer, okay song, will hopefully score respectably.
Malta
Blah. Heard it before. Typical Europop and not in the most exciting way. This is not how you're going to win, Malta.
Former Yugoslavian Republic of Macedonia
sounds like an 80s rock ballad. Powerful singer, powerful song. I think I'm rooting for this one.
Ireland
Oh look, Fred and George forgot their Ritalin pills again! How you can sing while jumping around like that will remain a mystery to me. However, I have to admit that I kind of like their song this time, in a nostalgic way. It's so over the top that it's entertaining. And the twins appear to be genuinely enjoying themselves. That's sort of contagious.
Serbia
Aaand another song I wouldn't mind winning! Astonishing - so many this year! Still rooting for the Tiny Country With The Endless Name though.
Ukraine
When love takes oveeeer! OVEEEEEER! OVER! OVER OVER! No seriously, doesn't this scratch the plagiarism line? Anyway, booooooring. And shall we bet that we'll be hearing it a lot this summer, what with the Euro Cup in Ukraine? Seriously, this song was probably written with "If it doesn't win, at least we can recycle it as a Euro Cup anthem!" in mind...
Moldova
Dude, you're wearing that apron the wrong way round. Also, whoever came up with that background choreography should be flogged or something. I really find that vile and offensive. No, that's not retro, that's pornographic.
Without it, the song would be kind of fun.
That's it!
Europe, start voting NOW!
And may the odds be ever in your favour! >:D
- Those "postcards" are really lovely. Are you certain they weren't filmed by the BBC? It's that typical lovely BBC camera work. Also, it may be tourism propaganda, but damn it's well done. I really wouldn't mind visiting Azerbaijan now. :P
- Filler show: I liked the foreplay prelude a lot more than the actual show.
(Jörg's guest commentary: "You always say that.")
- Damn it, Peter Urban, stop with the "Wah wah, if only Austria/ the Netherlands/ Switzerland had made it to the final, more people there would've watched and then they'd have voted for us!" spiel. Neither of these countries tend to be particularly friendly towards Germany in any competitive context. Just SHUT UP.
- I do kind of miss Switzerland though. I liked their U2/The Cure crossover sound in the semifinal. Not missing the Netherlands, that song was just boring. Not missing Austria either. After the first semifinal, I had "Woki mit deim Popo! Woki mit deim OOH! OOH!" stuck in my head for two full days. NEVER AGAIN.
- Every year, we're being assured that noooo, nobody votes for their neighbours out of neighbourly feelings. But if you can accurately predict where the top votes will go for (particularly) the Balkan states and the ex-USSR states, some neighbourly feeling has got to be involved, no?
- Everybody votes for Sweden. WHY.
- And the Russian grannies, of course. But that was to be expected. But Dance!Björk?
- Those "Green Room" boxes kind of look like little shuttles ready to launch. Or like the boxes in the Galactic Senate in Star Wars Episode I (not that that exists, of course).
- WHY ARE YOU NOT VOTING FOR MACEDONIA DAMN YOU EUROPE. Or Serbia. Or Spain.
- Also, Peter Urban, stop pitying Engelbert. He wasn't THAT good anyway and I don't think anybody expected him to win. The UK probably specifically sent him so they definitely wouldn't have to host the next ESC.
- Oh yeah, Anke Engelke had to bring some political commentary. Of course. Meet Germany, everybody's favourite do-gooder. RELAX, WILL YOU.
- Yeah, I know, I'm kind of hypocritical because I got into my feminism boots over Moldova's contribution. But that's different! Because of reasons!
- Yup, Sweden will win.
Sweden won. Still not getting the euphoria.