it's beautiful Latin, it's just not English
Looking at my flist, today seems to be a bad day for academia.
I only had to do a presentation today, neither exam nor job interview, but it still went... meh.
Very meh.
It's not graded and even if it were I don't need the credit points anyway, but it was for the prof I want to do the exam with. I'd meant to show him, through this presentation, that I am made of academic awesome.
Did, instead, show that I am made of academic blah.
Took too long, for one thing, but that's not the worst.
I just fumbled the presentation. The whole thing. I'd prepared it really lovingly and looked up all kinds of additional stuff I didn't really need (up to and including the whole bloody thing in Latin). And it was awesome. The way I'd thought I'd do it, I mean.
But as per usual, what looks like precious stones in my head and lands on paper as, at least, coloured glass, turns to sand in my mouth. Oh, there were one or two moments that worked about as I'd planned them, but on the whole... gah. It's as if as soon as I stand in front of the class, everything that made sense during the preparation suddenly turns out to have been incoherent bullshit, and all I can do is try not to let anybody notice, which of course I do, and that's the end of it. Kept forgetting words. Kept repeating the same stupid phrases. Kept being unable to explain the Latinate constructions beyond "as you can see this is very unusual in English". Had to say "Yeah, right, I should have looked that up" twice.
*headdesks*
Was so frustrated with myself that I actually apologised towards the end ("One more construction and I'll leave you in peace." Addi (Adolf-Manfred - what kind of parents name their poor kid Adolf-Manfred? In the 1980s?! And he's a really nice guy, it's just - the name!): "In pieces?" - "No, in peace." - "But 'in pieces' would be funny too. Like, shattered." - "I hope not."). There were no questions, so I said "I seem to have overwhelmed everybody - sorry," and returned to my seat. Prof took pity then and said "No, that was very good" (normally he says "fairly good", so he must have thought I was close to tears or something) instead of the appropriate scathing review.
In conclusion: awful.
I realise it probably felt worse then it was - several people told me after the lecture that they thought I made my points (what points?) very clearly and that it was a good presentation, and actually Prof. K. is not exactly what you'd call the merciful type as far as I know, so perhaps the sand and incoherency and bullshit is all in my mind (....ew.). But I can repeat that to myself however often I want, the big red fail in my head won't go away. Because even if it wasn't as bad as it feels, even if it was actually coherent, it's nowhere near as good as it bloody should have been.
Blah.
No, this is not my Rabbit Hole Day entry. This is real life. My brain hath emptied itself (or should I say exinanited, in the light of my presentation?), and accordingly I am unable to observe anything that needs more than two coherent thoughts. I mean, coherent angst-free thoughts. I could tell you some fun facts about the Douay-Rheims Bible translation and Latinate constructions in Early Modern English though. :p