(no subject)
I feel so faraway. I feel encrypted to the emotion between the lines. An encryption that cannot be decrypted is useless. I hold the key to nothing. I need to rediscover my reason. The fire that gave me that reason each day is not dead; it’s evolved into a flame of anger and dissatisfaction. I feel expectations that were near impossible to be impossible. My optimism kept me convinced otherwise. Without that optimism, I’ve lost my footing. The people who willfully misunderstand and voluntarily take the crap, for the sake of complaining and throwing it back in my face, kill my love for life and thrash my ideals. The trouble is, I don’t know where to rekindle the optimism. I’m not too far down the spiral, but I’ve reached the point where I feel the world is having a go at me.
Lately, I look at things and do nothing but find faults and criticise. I willfully blind myself from the positive side. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to compare how wanting my character is. Knowing just pushes me further down that spiral. It would mean discovering the potential of my anger, hurting those around me. I keep my frustrations and dissatisfactions canned up to the point of cracking. My instincts tell me to punch my frustrations out, to slap those who willfully misunderstand. But do I? No. I have my pride. I believe exposing my anger is to seal my defeat. I believe there is a glorifying end to everything. My pride is what keeps the flame within me going. It is what wants me to fight this, to come through the undefeated.
I fear knowing the reason behind emotions, but it is something I choose to face. I need a break - from this, from life. I want to go into winter hibernation and wake up when spring comes to find everything fixed. But I need to face this, to seek closure, but my motivation fails me. I hate trying and knowing I’ll be disappointed. This seems like a never-ending cycle of hating the world, and then resurfacing to find it livable again. My ideals are impossibly high, but I won’t have it any other way. My constantly conflicting ideals and desires make the closure I seek so hard to obtain.
(Angst is yummy)
EDIT: I can't help but cringe everytime I read this entry. Or all my other entries, truth be told. I'm going to start a new journal.
Lately, I look at things and do nothing but find faults and criticise. I willfully blind myself from the positive side. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to compare how wanting my character is. Knowing just pushes me further down that spiral. It would mean discovering the potential of my anger, hurting those around me. I keep my frustrations and dissatisfactions canned up to the point of cracking. My instincts tell me to punch my frustrations out, to slap those who willfully misunderstand. But do I? No. I have my pride. I believe exposing my anger is to seal my defeat. I believe there is a glorifying end to everything. My pride is what keeps the flame within me going. It is what wants me to fight this, to come through the undefeated.
I fear knowing the reason behind emotions, but it is something I choose to face. I need a break - from this, from life. I want to go into winter hibernation and wake up when spring comes to find everything fixed. But I need to face this, to seek closure, but my motivation fails me. I hate trying and knowing I’ll be disappointed. This seems like a never-ending cycle of hating the world, and then resurfacing to find it livable again. My ideals are impossibly high, but I won’t have it any other way. My constantly conflicting ideals and desires make the closure I seek so hard to obtain.
(Angst is yummy)
EDIT: I can't help but cringe everytime I read this entry. Or all my other entries, truth be told. I'm going to start a new journal.