what is home?
so, as i mentioned in my last posting, i'm excited for teh summer. deb and vessie and nadie and others will be here and it'll be great. but i wonder if its just me trying to escape home... or whats left of it.
its really hard to be in my house bc its so empty. its not home. its teh house that my dad no longer lives in. it doesn't have the 80s furniture i've honestly grew up with, that's been in my house since i was born, if not earlier. i know it'll be better once its not empty and filled with stuff my mom brother and i buy and it'll be my home that the three of us made. but i'm avoiding it cuz its so hard right now still. and i worry taht if i keep avoiding it, i'll never get used to it and it will never be home to me again.
and then i question just where i am in general. i'm not a big fan of change. but the separation has forced me to change. and i've began thinking about my relationships with people. i don't talk to people from SP a lot when i'm a school, mainly cuz i get so busy and wrapped up in my life here. and i've started accepting that more, bc i don't go to SP as much as i used to, to avoid the home situation, so i don't see people as much. and i def feel like i'm separating from people from SP. and part of me is beginning to be like, well that's part of life. and thats part of the change i've come to accept with the parents thing, like it's all kinda inter-related. but then sometimes i'm just like omg i miss my high school friends so much. and i wish i talked to them more. and i'm bad at talking to people while at school but the beauty about our group of friends is you can not see someone for months and then you see them and its like no time has passed. but those months in between are weird. and i'm so different now than i was in high school. i'm not the quiet one here. in fact, i'm kinda the loud one. i feel like i've almost done a 180. which is good change. and everyone's changing, and eventually maybe we just won't click anymore, ya know? that scares me. i can accept change better than before... but everyone from SP has been such as big part of my life for so long and i'm scared of losing them.
and now i'm going to be gone for teh better part of a year, and there's so many things i want to do in life, so many places i want to go and see. but then i don't see the people i love at home. it's like a lose-lose situation. and it kinda sucks.
its kinda like my situation with 2nd semester here. i love the freshmen this year. i'm going abroad all year next year, and if they go abroad all year their junior year, i'll never see them again. and then, as stupid as it sounds, spring break in savannah is like the funnest thing ever. so sometimes i'm like maybe i shoudl just come back to dson 2nd semester and not go to england. then i think im dumb cuz studying abroad is a once in a lifetime thing that i should take if i have the chance. but there's that doubt.
that was a lot of rambling. i dunno if it makes sense. i'm very tired right now. but those are my thoughts as of late.
one last thing... know what amazes me? how smell is the strongest sense for memory. i was going to the gym the other day, and the woman who swiped me in had on a perfume that smelled like my grandma. i almost started crying bc it made me think about her and how much i miss her. and i'm going to chicago may 11-14 and it'll be so weird to not see her.
and i've been reseraching lucille ball a lot lately for a paper, and for some reason i feel like her and my grandma were very similar. it makes me happy bc they were both incredible women.
its really hard to be in my house bc its so empty. its not home. its teh house that my dad no longer lives in. it doesn't have the 80s furniture i've honestly grew up with, that's been in my house since i was born, if not earlier. i know it'll be better once its not empty and filled with stuff my mom brother and i buy and it'll be my home that the three of us made. but i'm avoiding it cuz its so hard right now still. and i worry taht if i keep avoiding it, i'll never get used to it and it will never be home to me again.
and then i question just where i am in general. i'm not a big fan of change. but the separation has forced me to change. and i've began thinking about my relationships with people. i don't talk to people from SP a lot when i'm a school, mainly cuz i get so busy and wrapped up in my life here. and i've started accepting that more, bc i don't go to SP as much as i used to, to avoid the home situation, so i don't see people as much. and i def feel like i'm separating from people from SP. and part of me is beginning to be like, well that's part of life. and thats part of the change i've come to accept with the parents thing, like it's all kinda inter-related. but then sometimes i'm just like omg i miss my high school friends so much. and i wish i talked to them more. and i'm bad at talking to people while at school but the beauty about our group of friends is you can not see someone for months and then you see them and its like no time has passed. but those months in between are weird. and i'm so different now than i was in high school. i'm not the quiet one here. in fact, i'm kinda the loud one. i feel like i've almost done a 180. which is good change. and everyone's changing, and eventually maybe we just won't click anymore, ya know? that scares me. i can accept change better than before... but everyone from SP has been such as big part of my life for so long and i'm scared of losing them.
and now i'm going to be gone for teh better part of a year, and there's so many things i want to do in life, so many places i want to go and see. but then i don't see the people i love at home. it's like a lose-lose situation. and it kinda sucks.
its kinda like my situation with 2nd semester here. i love the freshmen this year. i'm going abroad all year next year, and if they go abroad all year their junior year, i'll never see them again. and then, as stupid as it sounds, spring break in savannah is like the funnest thing ever. so sometimes i'm like maybe i shoudl just come back to dson 2nd semester and not go to england. then i think im dumb cuz studying abroad is a once in a lifetime thing that i should take if i have the chance. but there's that doubt.
that was a lot of rambling. i dunno if it makes sense. i'm very tired right now. but those are my thoughts as of late.
one last thing... know what amazes me? how smell is the strongest sense for memory. i was going to the gym the other day, and the woman who swiped me in had on a perfume that smelled like my grandma. i almost started crying bc it made me think about her and how much i miss her. and i'm going to chicago may 11-14 and it'll be so weird to not see her.
and i've been reseraching lucille ball a lot lately for a paper, and for some reason i feel like her and my grandma were very similar. it makes me happy bc they were both incredible women.