These Are The Days, My Friends
Author: Olivier_dathos
Team: Canon
Title: These Are The Days, My Friends
Rating: PG
Warnings: An interfering Molly?
Genre: Angst
Word Count: 2931
Summary: Sirius may be gone, but he's still all Remus can think about
Notes: Some shippers seem to see Remus' relationship with Tonks as proof that he wasn't interested in men, or Sirius. I don't think that this is true and I wanted to write a fic that covers this dynamic
Prompt: 43
Originally written for RS Games 2010
Disclaimer: I own nothing; it is all J.K.R's and Philip Glass'.
These Are The Days, My Friends
If Remus closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, he could almost imagine that nothing had changed at all.
He could feel the solid old wood of the park bench beneath him, could smell the grass and bluebells in the air, could breathe in the night wind as it gently touched his face.
There was nothing much to hear, only the careful brush of the leaves above and the far distant mumble of traffic. It was okay, though, they had often sat in silence before. Maybe gazing at the stars and the moonlight, or perhaps lost in their own thoughts.
Sirius would always reach over and take Remus’ hand and shuffle a little closer so that Remus could feel the reassuring warmth of his body beside him, and then Remus would lay his head on Sirius’ shoulder.
Remus snapped his eyes open and stared at the empty space beside him for a moment before standing and walking away into the night.
* * * * *
“It’s ridiculous, Remus, that’s what it is!” Snapped Molly impatiently as she banged a pot of stew onto the table and began ladling its contents into plates. “I see absolutely no reason at all why you shouldn’t be thrilled about this!”
Remus didn’t reply.
Instead he studied the framed picture hanging on the wall across from him. It was an oil painting, not professionally done but probably painted by a great aunt or some other distant Weasley relative. It depicted a smallish wooden house surrounded by a forest, green hills rising gradually behind it.
They had talked about buying a little house and some land in the Scottish countryside once. “Quaint”, Sirius had said. He had wanted somewhere quaint.
“We could place wards around the land that belongs to us and then on full moons there’d be tons of room, Moony! What do you think? It’s a great idea isn’t it, Moony? What do you think?”
“Remus!”
Remus looked away from the painting quickly and blinked at Molly. “Sorry. I’m sorry.”
Molly let out a huff of exasperation and placed a steaming bowl in front of him. “Arthur, dinner’s ready!” She called up the stairs, sitting down across from Remus. Arthur came stumbling down the stairs a moment later and took his own place at the head.
“No one else coming for dinner then, dear?” He asked carefully, “I thought maybe Tonks would be 'round?”
Molly snorted. “Tonks couldn’t make it. Though Remus seems to be under the impression that he prefers it this way anyway.” She glared at Remus accusingly, before beginning to eat.
Arthur gave Remus a sympathetic look, “You can’t hold back from love forever, old chap. You deserve some happiness.”
Remus looked away from them both and out of the window. Was it crazy to keep hoping that one day he would look out of a window and see Sirius walking back towards him?
* * * * *
The bench was a little damp, but Remus didn’t mind.
He sat silently and looked up towards the stars and the half-moon. How often they had done this. He remembered when they were all still at Hogwarts and the two of them would climb up onto Gryffindor Tower and lay side by side in the night air, fingers entwined.
“-and I was thinking if we could get a wind up then we could sail it across the lake and-”
Remus rolled onto his side and placed a finger over Sirius’ lips. “I think it sounds like a great idea, Padfoot.”
Sirius smiled up at him, the corners of his eyes crinkling slightly as he did so. “Kiss me, Moony.”
So Remus did.
Sirius tasted like the night that surrounded them, but softer and warmer and perfect and as his lips slid against Sirius’ Remus thought he could live on this shingled tower with Sirius forever and never want for anything.
Finally Remus broke away, panting just a little, and rolled back to face the stars once more. “I think I love you, Sirius.” He whispered to the night.
This time it was Sirius who rolled over to look at him.
“I think I love you too, Remus.”
“Do you?” He asked uncertainly as Sirius reached down and swept Remus’ hair away from his eyes.
“You know I do.” Sirius murmured, “You’re like…you’re like my light. Like the sun.”
Remus raised his hand to touch Sirius’ cheek. “The sun…”
“And the moon,” Remus raised an eyebrow at that and Sirius let out a bark of laughter, “and the stars.”
“You’re the one who’s a star.” Remus replied absently, “I don’t think that works.”
“Of course it does.” Sirius countered quickly, leaning down and kissing Remus on the temple, “even stars need other stars to look up to. You’re like a star to the stars, Moony.”
Sirius lay back down and wrapped his hand around Remus’ once more.
Remus held on tight; he didn’t want to ever let go.
The night had grown colder and the damp of the bench felt as though it was seeping in through Remus’ bones. He wrapped his coat more tightly around himself, stood quickly and strode away.
* * * * *
Why couldn’t they just leave him alone?
Why couldn’t they just let him grieve? They never had though, not after Sirius, not after Dumbledore.
“Didn’t you hear her last night, Remus? She loves you!” Molly seemed in danger of wearing a hole in the stone floor, she was pacing the kitchen of Grimmauld Place so angrily.
Grimmauld Place. He still came here sometimes, when he could bear it.
He had felt guilty that despite Sirius’ obvious torment at having to live in his childhood home once more, Remus had felt more happiness there with him than he had anywhere else in the past fourteen years.
The thing was that Remus had always known he would love Sirius forever and that older, warier, haunted Sirius had still been the same boy who had lain beside him on the tower roof back at Hogwarts.
“I know things have changed, Sirius, but I just want you to know that I still love you. That I always loved you. You told me once I was a star. I want you to know that the number of stars in the sky, that’s how much I love you, Sirius. That’s how much I love you.”
“I meant what I said,” answered Remus evenly. It was taking all of his will-power to keep from shouting at her to just leave him. “She wouldn’t be happy with me, I couldn’t make her happy.”
“Don’t be ridiculous! Dumbledore would have wanted this for you both, Remus!
‘Dumbledore would have wanted’, that argument seemed to be growing increasingly common now that he was gone.
“Dumbledore would have been happier than anybody…” Minerva had said the night before and Remus wished that they’d stop now.
Dumbledore had allowed Remus to attend school when no one else would have done so. He had arranged a safe place for Remus to transform.
Dumbledore had trusted Remus to be a member of the Order of the Phoenix despite his affliction and had been one of the only ones who hadn’t suspected Remus of being the spy.
Dumbledore had given him a job and had entrusted him with the safety of the students.
Dumbledore had helped Sirius escape the Dementors.
Dumbledore had sent Sirius to live with him and then asked him to accompany Sirius to Grimmauld Place.
He owed so much to Dumbledore...He could never forget it.
“Think how happy it would have made him that despite everything, despite the war, people are still able to demonstrate love in this world!” Molly was saying. “You know how much he believed in love, Remus,” she added more gently, “and Tonks loves you. Are you just going to disregard that?”
Remus closed his eyes.
“Alright,” He said softly, “Alright.”
* * * * *
“To Harry, may he one day cause as much trouble at Hogwarts as we did!” Proclaimed Sirius loudly to the table at large.
“Hear, hear!” Echoed the other Marauders, downing their drinks in one.
Remus smiled as Sirius finished his pint and hiccupped into the glass.
“Sounds like you drank that a little too quickly, Pads.” He teased as James laughed uproariously.
“Oh, shut up, you two!” Sirius growled, his threatening tone ruined somewhat by the arrival of another hiccup.
“I’ll buy the next round.” Offered Peter and headed over to the bar.
“I can’t stay out much longer,” James said, as silence fell between them, “Got to get back to Lily, you know…and Harry now, too.” He smiled happily.
Remus smiled back at him, “That’s alright, Prongs.” There was something about a parent’s happiness, it spread so easily. Remus wondered if he and Sirius might adopt a child one day. “I can’t really afford another beer after this anyway.”
Sirius snorted, “All of this Order work, you know, it leaves little room for any of us to get a decent job. Seems I’ve only ever got a bit of change in my pockets these days.”
Remus punched him lightly on the shoulder, “Yeah, well you’ve plenty in your bank vault if you could be bothered going to get it.”
Sirius grinned at him, “True, Moony, very true.”
“Here we are lads.” Peter plonked four glasses down onto the table and took his seat once more.
“These are the days, my friends!” Toasted Sirius,“To life and love.”
Remus sipped at his beer slowly, relishing the cool slide of the liquid as it ran down his throat. He glanced up only to catch Sirius staring over his glass at him.
Remus smiled and downed the rest of his drink.
Before long they were stepping out into the night and saying their goodbyes. Peter disapparated first and then James, but only after they had accepted an invitation to come over for breakfast the following morning.
Once James had disappeared, Remus followed Sirius over to the motorbike and put on his helmet before climbing on behind.
“All right, Moony?”
“Yeah.”
“Good, because I’ve been wanting to get you home for ages.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yeah.”
Remus sniggered into Sirius shoulder as they drove along the mostly deserted streets toward their flat.
“You know you really shouldn’t be driving after you’ve been drinking, Padfoot.” He pointed out absently, nuzzling further into Sirius’ neck.
“You know you really shouldn’t be doing that while I drive, Moony.” Sirius countered, pulling into their driveway and switching off the bike.
Remus laughed and pulled off his helmet as he dismounted the bike, Sirius close behind.
As he climbed the stairs to their room, Remus felt Sirius’ arms wrap around his waist from behind and smiled at the contact. He turned his face to the side and Sirius immediately ducked in and kissed him on the lips.
“You’re perfect, Remus.”
* * * * *
Remus was alone.
It was only going to be a small wedding; Remus hadn’t had anyone left to invite himself, except for Minerva and Harry, who he hadn’t even asked.
Tonks’ parents were coming of course and her close work mates, Kingsley and Moody. The Weasleys were attending too; after all, this whole thing had been Molly’s project.
“Now, now,” Molly had said as she pressed the shiny engagement ring into his palm, “I know you can’t afford a ring right now, but this belonged to one of my great aunts. Tonks will be arriving for dinner soon, so I’ll just leave you two alone for half an hour or so before we eat, shall I?”
Remus wasn’t sure how he had gotten to the place that he was in now. Sitting on the bed in Andromeda’s house, with his head in his hands, Remus felt lost.
“Remus, dear?”
Molly gently pushed open the door and peered inside. “It’s time for you to come out into the garden now, love, Tonks is just about ready.”
This wasn’t what he wanted, Remus knew that without a doubt. This wasn’t what he wanted and Dumbledore would never have wished him to marry someone whom he didn’t love.
“Listen, Molly, I can’t.”
“What?” Molly just stared at him, as though she hadn’t understood the words that had come out of his mouth.
“I can’t do this, Molly. I can’t marry Tonks.”
“Nonsense, dear. You’ve just got some pre-wedding nerves, everyone experiences them. Now just have a glass of water and we’ll go outside.”
Remus stood, shaking his head. “This isn’t what I want, Molly.”
“You don’t know what you want!” She snapped, frustration seeping into her voice, “You’re always trying to sabotage your own happiness, Remus! I know that you don’t think you deserve much, but to go out of your way to be unhappy? It’s ridiculous!”
Remus felt as though he had been slapped.
“I have never wanted to be unhappy.” He replied, feeling the heat creeping into his own voice. “I never wanted to be a werewolf. I never wanted to have to fight in a war. I never wanted James and Lily to die. I never wanted to loose Peter. I never wanted Dumbledore to be murdered. I never wanted Sirius to be imprisoned, for Sirius to die!”
His breathing had sped up and he knew that he was close to shouting now. Molly looked slightly shocked at his outburst.
“I never wanted any of that, Molly. So don’t tell me that I don’t know what I want, that I want to be unhappy! Tonks does deserve someone better than me, it's true, but it’s not because I don’t want to be happy, it’s because I don’t love her!”
Molly gaped at him like a fish and then, as he struggled to regain control, narrowed her eyes and poked him hard in the chest.
“How could you possibly know whether you love her or not, you’ve never even tried to experience love! You’ve managed to stumble across a woman who wants to be with you and you’re trying to turn away from it! The truth is that you just don’t know what love feels like!”
How could she say that? How could she tell him that he had never loved, never been loved?
“Sirius -”
“Oh, Sirius!” She scoffed, “I know how much your friends meant to you, Remus, but it’s time to let go! If it hadn’t been for the fact that Sirius needed a babysitter in his own house, you and Tonks could have been together a long time before now! All Sirius ever did was make you feel guilty and compelled to keep him company so that he wouldn’t do anything stupid!”
“That’s not -!”
“Yes it is! You need a family, Remus, and your survivor’s guilt and your shame about your affliction are not going to prevent that from happening!”
“You have no right to say that about Sirius!” Remus yelled, “and you know nothing about me!”
“I know that you’re a werewolf, Remus Lupin, and I’m telling you right now that the chances of finding someone who can still love you despite that are very rare.” Her voice was like ice.
“Be that as it may,” Remus spat, a feeling of betrayal rising inside him, despite knowing full well the truth of those words, “I think that I still have the right to decide who I love!”
“Are you hoping that someone better is going to come along? Do you really think that you have the leisure to pick and choose? Don’t turn your nose up at the good fortune that has somehow landed itself at your feet, Remus!”
Her words cut and Remus turned away, looking through another window at another path but waiting for the same figure to come walking down it towards him.
Molly wasn’t finished.
“Are you aware of how depressed that girl has been this past year because of you? Did you see the colour of her hair? She’s happy now and she’s waiting for you to go out there and you are not going to leave her at the alter, because you have no right to be so cruel!”
Remus turned on his heel, walked outside and took his place at the alter, with Kingsley standing in as best man because Remus had nobody else to do it.
* * * * *
Remus sat on the bench.
It was raining, but he didn’t care.
He didn’t close his eyes, because doing so couldn’t help him feel Sirius’ warmth beside him or their hands clasped together or the softness of his hair and besides Remus could see Sirius’ eyes whether his own were closed or not.
Sirius had loved this park bench; “wearied” he had called it.
“This bench, it’s sorta wearied feeling, don’t you think, Moony? It’s like, it’s been here for so long with people coming and going and the weather spinning around it and its grown tired but it keeps pressing on because it hopes that maybe one day someone will come back again. You know?”
Remus placed a hand on Sirius’ thigh with a smile, “I think you might be reading a little too far into it, Padfoot,” Sirius looked at Remus with such sorrowful eyes that he had to laugh, “but if it helps, we can come back here again.”
Sirius placed his own hand over Remus’ and smiled contentedly, patting the bench with the other. “Did you hear that? Moony says we can come back and visit you again. He may seem a bit stiff at first but you know he’s actually kinda the most wonderful person in the world.”
“You are my everything.” Remus whispered and suddenly the tears were coursing down his cheeks and over his palms as he buried his face in his hands.
“I miss you so much, Sirius.”
Team: Canon
Title: These Are The Days, My Friends
Rating: PG
Warnings: An interfering Molly?
Genre: Angst
Word Count: 2931
Summary: Sirius may be gone, but he's still all Remus can think about
Notes: Some shippers seem to see Remus' relationship with Tonks as proof that he wasn't interested in men, or Sirius. I don't think that this is true and I wanted to write a fic that covers this dynamic
Prompt: 43
Originally written for RS Games 2010
Disclaimer: I own nothing; it is all J.K.R's and Philip Glass'.
These Are The Days, My Friends
If Remus closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, he could almost imagine that nothing had changed at all.
He could feel the solid old wood of the park bench beneath him, could smell the grass and bluebells in the air, could breathe in the night wind as it gently touched his face.
There was nothing much to hear, only the careful brush of the leaves above and the far distant mumble of traffic. It was okay, though, they had often sat in silence before. Maybe gazing at the stars and the moonlight, or perhaps lost in their own thoughts.
Sirius would always reach over and take Remus’ hand and shuffle a little closer so that Remus could feel the reassuring warmth of his body beside him, and then Remus would lay his head on Sirius’ shoulder.
Remus snapped his eyes open and stared at the empty space beside him for a moment before standing and walking away into the night.
* * * * *
“It’s ridiculous, Remus, that’s what it is!” Snapped Molly impatiently as she banged a pot of stew onto the table and began ladling its contents into plates. “I see absolutely no reason at all why you shouldn’t be thrilled about this!”
Remus didn’t reply.
Instead he studied the framed picture hanging on the wall across from him. It was an oil painting, not professionally done but probably painted by a great aunt or some other distant Weasley relative. It depicted a smallish wooden house surrounded by a forest, green hills rising gradually behind it.
They had talked about buying a little house and some land in the Scottish countryside once. “Quaint”, Sirius had said. He had wanted somewhere quaint.
“We could place wards around the land that belongs to us and then on full moons there’d be tons of room, Moony! What do you think? It’s a great idea isn’t it, Moony? What do you think?”
“Remus!”
Remus looked away from the painting quickly and blinked at Molly. “Sorry. I’m sorry.”
Molly let out a huff of exasperation and placed a steaming bowl in front of him. “Arthur, dinner’s ready!” She called up the stairs, sitting down across from Remus. Arthur came stumbling down the stairs a moment later and took his own place at the head.
“No one else coming for dinner then, dear?” He asked carefully, “I thought maybe Tonks would be 'round?”
Molly snorted. “Tonks couldn’t make it. Though Remus seems to be under the impression that he prefers it this way anyway.” She glared at Remus accusingly, before beginning to eat.
Arthur gave Remus a sympathetic look, “You can’t hold back from love forever, old chap. You deserve some happiness.”
Remus looked away from them both and out of the window. Was it crazy to keep hoping that one day he would look out of a window and see Sirius walking back towards him?
* * * * *
The bench was a little damp, but Remus didn’t mind.
He sat silently and looked up towards the stars and the half-moon. How often they had done this. He remembered when they were all still at Hogwarts and the two of them would climb up onto Gryffindor Tower and lay side by side in the night air, fingers entwined.
“-and I was thinking if we could get a wind up then we could sail it across the lake and-”
Remus rolled onto his side and placed a finger over Sirius’ lips. “I think it sounds like a great idea, Padfoot.”
Sirius smiled up at him, the corners of his eyes crinkling slightly as he did so. “Kiss me, Moony.”
So Remus did.
Sirius tasted like the night that surrounded them, but softer and warmer and perfect and as his lips slid against Sirius’ Remus thought he could live on this shingled tower with Sirius forever and never want for anything.
Finally Remus broke away, panting just a little, and rolled back to face the stars once more. “I think I love you, Sirius.” He whispered to the night.
This time it was Sirius who rolled over to look at him.
“I think I love you too, Remus.”
“Do you?” He asked uncertainly as Sirius reached down and swept Remus’ hair away from his eyes.
“You know I do.” Sirius murmured, “You’re like…you’re like my light. Like the sun.”
Remus raised his hand to touch Sirius’ cheek. “The sun…”
“And the moon,” Remus raised an eyebrow at that and Sirius let out a bark of laughter, “and the stars.”
“You’re the one who’s a star.” Remus replied absently, “I don’t think that works.”
“Of course it does.” Sirius countered quickly, leaning down and kissing Remus on the temple, “even stars need other stars to look up to. You’re like a star to the stars, Moony.”
Sirius lay back down and wrapped his hand around Remus’ once more.
Remus held on tight; he didn’t want to ever let go.
The night had grown colder and the damp of the bench felt as though it was seeping in through Remus’ bones. He wrapped his coat more tightly around himself, stood quickly and strode away.
* * * * *
Why couldn’t they just leave him alone?
Why couldn’t they just let him grieve? They never had though, not after Sirius, not after Dumbledore.
“Didn’t you hear her last night, Remus? She loves you!” Molly seemed in danger of wearing a hole in the stone floor, she was pacing the kitchen of Grimmauld Place so angrily.
Grimmauld Place. He still came here sometimes, when he could bear it.
He had felt guilty that despite Sirius’ obvious torment at having to live in his childhood home once more, Remus had felt more happiness there with him than he had anywhere else in the past fourteen years.
The thing was that Remus had always known he would love Sirius forever and that older, warier, haunted Sirius had still been the same boy who had lain beside him on the tower roof back at Hogwarts.
“I know things have changed, Sirius, but I just want you to know that I still love you. That I always loved you. You told me once I was a star. I want you to know that the number of stars in the sky, that’s how much I love you, Sirius. That’s how much I love you.”
“I meant what I said,” answered Remus evenly. It was taking all of his will-power to keep from shouting at her to just leave him. “She wouldn’t be happy with me, I couldn’t make her happy.”
“Don’t be ridiculous! Dumbledore would have wanted this for you both, Remus!
‘Dumbledore would have wanted’, that argument seemed to be growing increasingly common now that he was gone.
“Dumbledore would have been happier than anybody…” Minerva had said the night before and Remus wished that they’d stop now.
Dumbledore had allowed Remus to attend school when no one else would have done so. He had arranged a safe place for Remus to transform.
Dumbledore had trusted Remus to be a member of the Order of the Phoenix despite his affliction and had been one of the only ones who hadn’t suspected Remus of being the spy.
Dumbledore had given him a job and had entrusted him with the safety of the students.
Dumbledore had helped Sirius escape the Dementors.
Dumbledore had sent Sirius to live with him and then asked him to accompany Sirius to Grimmauld Place.
He owed so much to Dumbledore...He could never forget it.
“Think how happy it would have made him that despite everything, despite the war, people are still able to demonstrate love in this world!” Molly was saying. “You know how much he believed in love, Remus,” she added more gently, “and Tonks loves you. Are you just going to disregard that?”
Remus closed his eyes.
“Alright,” He said softly, “Alright.”
* * * * *
“To Harry, may he one day cause as much trouble at Hogwarts as we did!” Proclaimed Sirius loudly to the table at large.
“Hear, hear!” Echoed the other Marauders, downing their drinks in one.
Remus smiled as Sirius finished his pint and hiccupped into the glass.
“Sounds like you drank that a little too quickly, Pads.” He teased as James laughed uproariously.
“Oh, shut up, you two!” Sirius growled, his threatening tone ruined somewhat by the arrival of another hiccup.
“I’ll buy the next round.” Offered Peter and headed over to the bar.
“I can’t stay out much longer,” James said, as silence fell between them, “Got to get back to Lily, you know…and Harry now, too.” He smiled happily.
Remus smiled back at him, “That’s alright, Prongs.” There was something about a parent’s happiness, it spread so easily. Remus wondered if he and Sirius might adopt a child one day. “I can’t really afford another beer after this anyway.”
Sirius snorted, “All of this Order work, you know, it leaves little room for any of us to get a decent job. Seems I’ve only ever got a bit of change in my pockets these days.”
Remus punched him lightly on the shoulder, “Yeah, well you’ve plenty in your bank vault if you could be bothered going to get it.”
Sirius grinned at him, “True, Moony, very true.”
“Here we are lads.” Peter plonked four glasses down onto the table and took his seat once more.
“These are the days, my friends!” Toasted Sirius,“To life and love.”
Remus sipped at his beer slowly, relishing the cool slide of the liquid as it ran down his throat. He glanced up only to catch Sirius staring over his glass at him.
Remus smiled and downed the rest of his drink.
Before long they were stepping out into the night and saying their goodbyes. Peter disapparated first and then James, but only after they had accepted an invitation to come over for breakfast the following morning.
Once James had disappeared, Remus followed Sirius over to the motorbike and put on his helmet before climbing on behind.
“All right, Moony?”
“Yeah.”
“Good, because I’ve been wanting to get you home for ages.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yeah.”
Remus sniggered into Sirius shoulder as they drove along the mostly deserted streets toward their flat.
“You know you really shouldn’t be driving after you’ve been drinking, Padfoot.” He pointed out absently, nuzzling further into Sirius’ neck.
“You know you really shouldn’t be doing that while I drive, Moony.” Sirius countered, pulling into their driveway and switching off the bike.
Remus laughed and pulled off his helmet as he dismounted the bike, Sirius close behind.
As he climbed the stairs to their room, Remus felt Sirius’ arms wrap around his waist from behind and smiled at the contact. He turned his face to the side and Sirius immediately ducked in and kissed him on the lips.
“You’re perfect, Remus.”
* * * * *
Remus was alone.
It was only going to be a small wedding; Remus hadn’t had anyone left to invite himself, except for Minerva and Harry, who he hadn’t even asked.
Tonks’ parents were coming of course and her close work mates, Kingsley and Moody. The Weasleys were attending too; after all, this whole thing had been Molly’s project.
“Now, now,” Molly had said as she pressed the shiny engagement ring into his palm, “I know you can’t afford a ring right now, but this belonged to one of my great aunts. Tonks will be arriving for dinner soon, so I’ll just leave you two alone for half an hour or so before we eat, shall I?”
Remus wasn’t sure how he had gotten to the place that he was in now. Sitting on the bed in Andromeda’s house, with his head in his hands, Remus felt lost.
“Remus, dear?”
Molly gently pushed open the door and peered inside. “It’s time for you to come out into the garden now, love, Tonks is just about ready.”
This wasn’t what he wanted, Remus knew that without a doubt. This wasn’t what he wanted and Dumbledore would never have wished him to marry someone whom he didn’t love.
“Listen, Molly, I can’t.”
“What?” Molly just stared at him, as though she hadn’t understood the words that had come out of his mouth.
“I can’t do this, Molly. I can’t marry Tonks.”
“Nonsense, dear. You’ve just got some pre-wedding nerves, everyone experiences them. Now just have a glass of water and we’ll go outside.”
Remus stood, shaking his head. “This isn’t what I want, Molly.”
“You don’t know what you want!” She snapped, frustration seeping into her voice, “You’re always trying to sabotage your own happiness, Remus! I know that you don’t think you deserve much, but to go out of your way to be unhappy? It’s ridiculous!”
Remus felt as though he had been slapped.
“I have never wanted to be unhappy.” He replied, feeling the heat creeping into his own voice. “I never wanted to be a werewolf. I never wanted to have to fight in a war. I never wanted James and Lily to die. I never wanted to loose Peter. I never wanted Dumbledore to be murdered. I never wanted Sirius to be imprisoned, for Sirius to die!”
His breathing had sped up and he knew that he was close to shouting now. Molly looked slightly shocked at his outburst.
“I never wanted any of that, Molly. So don’t tell me that I don’t know what I want, that I want to be unhappy! Tonks does deserve someone better than me, it's true, but it’s not because I don’t want to be happy, it’s because I don’t love her!”
Molly gaped at him like a fish and then, as he struggled to regain control, narrowed her eyes and poked him hard in the chest.
“How could you possibly know whether you love her or not, you’ve never even tried to experience love! You’ve managed to stumble across a woman who wants to be with you and you’re trying to turn away from it! The truth is that you just don’t know what love feels like!”
How could she say that? How could she tell him that he had never loved, never been loved?
“Sirius -”
“Oh, Sirius!” She scoffed, “I know how much your friends meant to you, Remus, but it’s time to let go! If it hadn’t been for the fact that Sirius needed a babysitter in his own house, you and Tonks could have been together a long time before now! All Sirius ever did was make you feel guilty and compelled to keep him company so that he wouldn’t do anything stupid!”
“That’s not -!”
“Yes it is! You need a family, Remus, and your survivor’s guilt and your shame about your affliction are not going to prevent that from happening!”
“You have no right to say that about Sirius!” Remus yelled, “and you know nothing about me!”
“I know that you’re a werewolf, Remus Lupin, and I’m telling you right now that the chances of finding someone who can still love you despite that are very rare.” Her voice was like ice.
“Be that as it may,” Remus spat, a feeling of betrayal rising inside him, despite knowing full well the truth of those words, “I think that I still have the right to decide who I love!”
“Are you hoping that someone better is going to come along? Do you really think that you have the leisure to pick and choose? Don’t turn your nose up at the good fortune that has somehow landed itself at your feet, Remus!”
Her words cut and Remus turned away, looking through another window at another path but waiting for the same figure to come walking down it towards him.
Molly wasn’t finished.
“Are you aware of how depressed that girl has been this past year because of you? Did you see the colour of her hair? She’s happy now and she’s waiting for you to go out there and you are not going to leave her at the alter, because you have no right to be so cruel!”
Remus turned on his heel, walked outside and took his place at the alter, with Kingsley standing in as best man because Remus had nobody else to do it.
* * * * *
Remus sat on the bench.
It was raining, but he didn’t care.
He didn’t close his eyes, because doing so couldn’t help him feel Sirius’ warmth beside him or their hands clasped together or the softness of his hair and besides Remus could see Sirius’ eyes whether his own were closed or not.
Sirius had loved this park bench; “wearied” he had called it.
“This bench, it’s sorta wearied feeling, don’t you think, Moony? It’s like, it’s been here for so long with people coming and going and the weather spinning around it and its grown tired but it keeps pressing on because it hopes that maybe one day someone will come back again. You know?”
Remus placed a hand on Sirius’ thigh with a smile, “I think you might be reading a little too far into it, Padfoot,” Sirius looked at Remus with such sorrowful eyes that he had to laugh, “but if it helps, we can come back here again.”
Sirius placed his own hand over Remus’ and smiled contentedly, patting the bench with the other. “Did you hear that? Moony says we can come back and visit you again. He may seem a bit stiff at first but you know he’s actually kinda the most wonderful person in the world.”
“You are my everything.” Remus whispered and suddenly the tears were coursing down his cheeks and over his palms as he buried his face in his hands.
“I miss you so much, Sirius.”