man o man
Man o man. Whats a girl to do? I saw W. again yesterday…actually been seeing a bit too much of him lately. I've been doing everything I can to brush it aside, and distract myself...I can't say that it's working too well though. I just know that I feel more and more vulnerable and exposed, and that is exactly what I don't want. But that makes me wonder, am I actually scared? And I scared of a man? How fuckin ridiculous is that? I have sacrificed a great deal and suffered a great deal before in the name of selfless love, and I can say it was worth it at that time in my life. But all that seems ridiculous to me now. Am I really just scared to go through all that again, or is it really, as I initially thought, that I am just too happy being free and too content with my life and lifestyle, to feel anything but selfish, and feel for anyone other then myself and son? I, of course, think I'm just selfish and greedy and all about my needs/pleasure...but part of me thinks that I am a chicken shit…and I don't even know why. Cause it's not like I was burned in my marriage, it not like I was hurt beyond all repair, thus vowing to never love again. See if that did happen then I would absolutely say I was afraid of doing it again… I dunno...my brain hurts thinking about it and I want to stop. But of course me being a female, we over-think and analyze everything into the ground. Shit. And now I'm just at a place where I don't want to be cause it makes me uncomfortable, I guess I don't really know If I would give up my current lifestyle for anyone. I'm all about my son and my fun and my friends.. But anyways. I don't know if I would give that up, but more and more I am feeling slightly inclined to. Which alarms me even more, cause then I think, what the fuck am I doing? Seriously? What the fuck man? But we keep falling into those conversations, those deep serious conversations about where "it" is going and what I want from him. I keep providing the same answer- I don't know. I'm mad at myself for even putting this much thought into it, but writing always seems to help me. Sometimes I don't even know what I feel until after I've sat down with a pen and paper, or typed it…and that old destiny's child song keeps coming to my mind.. "you be saying no no no no no, when it's really yes yes yes yes yes…" lol anyways..um onto more important things. Wednesday I recovered from my long exhausting Tuesday night, last night I was very very productive, picked up my son then washed all my clothes and blankets then came home and cleaned my room from top to bottom, returned the movie rentals and, by then it was late, but plans had surfaced, so I dropped my son off with Jacob around 10pm or so, went home to change then went to this small little party with W. and pretty much stayed there until early this morning. Tonight I'm staying in for sure with my son, but tomorrow I'll be downtown with the girls (yay a distraction!). Lets see if I can shut this feeling down before it gets out of hand.. back to work bitches. Later.
"And there's no cure, and no way to be sure
Why everything's turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired - I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now it all turns sour
Come sweeten every afternoon"
-Sway
"And there's no cure, and no way to be sure
Why everything's turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired - I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now it all turns sour
Come sweeten every afternoon"
-Sway