Laughter
They tell me that there is healing in laughter, and I’ve known for a long time that is the truth. I learned at a very young age that sometimes laughing at your situation is the only way to make it through - the only way to keep yourself from going insane. It was one of the first lessons my Oma taught me and it stays with me even today. Smile when it hurts. Laugh when all you want to do is cry. Giggle and grin when it feels like your heart is going to explode out of your chest.
There are days when it’s hard to keep on smiling. Times when the frustration and the pain threaten to overwhelm me and win the day. There are moments when it takes everything to keep the smile on my face so that they don’t know.
It hurts to try to explain what is going on in my mind, how I really feel. It kills me not to be able to say it, but it would be even worse if I did. I don’t think they would know how to react if I told them anyway, if I just let loose and let it all come out. At best, they would think I was crazy and they would avoid me.
So I keep on smiling and laughing. For everyone but Lycka, I put on the happiest face I can. I try to bury the hurt and the feelings of inadequacy and the screaming rage and pain. I tell myself it’s because I’m afraid they won’t understand; really, I’m afraid they just won’t care.