Musings of a reformed whore
She could feel the daggers from across the room, and she knew that Dox was glaring at her again. Olivia heaved an inward sigh, trying to push the discomfort from her mind. In her mind, she kept tumbling over her words and mulling over what she could say to the other woman to make it better, to help ease her hurt.
I was afraid. When I was with him, I was afraid. He wanted to take care of me, he wanted to be with me, he wanted me for me…and I was too stupid and too scared to accept that. I thought so little of myself that the notion of someone loving me for me was terrifying. I was stuck in this place where all I thought I would ever be good for was warming a bed at night and helping them forget. He told me he loved me, and I freaked. I couldn’t handle it so I ran. I went right back to the person who’d hurt me over and over again. Yeah, he hurt me…yeah, he didn’t really care for me…but I always knew where I stood with Elias. I always knew that I was just the girl on the side, the pretty little whore. Even when he said those words, I knew it was just to placate me.
I loved Maxx. When I heard he was dead, I was horrified and heartbroken. I hated myself for what I did…I hated him for caring about me. I hated Elias for his words. I hated Elias most of all…for trying to make me feel like the way I felt about Maxx was wrong, and that he was the bad guy. He wasn’t. I was. When I heard he was back…my only thought was that maybe he could find someone worthy of him. You’re right, I never deserved him. I didn’t know how to love and I didn’t know how to let someone else love me.
Don’t you think I still grieve for what I did? I remember Maxx when I first met him. I would do almost anything to take back what I did. That weekend in Sun City? I would have taken Elias’ offer, I would have gone back to his bed, I never would have hurt Maxx or flirted with him. What I WOULD have done is pushed him towards you. I know you love him…I know you loved him then, and you’ve always loved him. I was wrong.
I can’t fix it, and I can’t make it better. I deal with the consequences of my actions every single day…and this is another skeleton in my already overly full closet. I am not a good person, but I’m trying to be a better one. For my daughter, for Lycka, for the few people I call friend and the family I have. I struggle every day with the things I’ve done and the people I have hurt. The men who had died and the men I’ve killed.
Part of me is always going to care about him. It’s the same part of me that will always care about Elias and Reilly…hell, that part of me even still cares about my step-father and the man who raped me when I was younger. It’s part of me that I can’t push aside. Does it mean I want to take him back? No. But I do care, and I can’t stop that.
I won’t come between you two, not if I can help it. I don’t want to replace you or push you aside. I want…fuck. I don’t even know what I want anymore. I want that easy familiarity between friends. When we’re in combat, I want to make sure he doesn’t die, and I want to know that if I fall, he’s there.
I’m sorry. I fucked up.
She sighed again and rubbed her temples, turning her eyes back to Maxx as he gave them their duties. One of these days, she was just going to get shot for all of the shit she’d done when she was younger. She wouldn’t even really blame her. All the things Dox had said to her - all the nasty shit she’d called her, all the hurtful things she’d said…most of them had been true. She had been a horrible person. In some ways, she still was.
Olivia hugged herself and straightened, lifting her chin just slightly. People could change, and people could become better then what they had been. If no one could see the woman she’d become, then that was their problem and not hers. At the very least, she could take some comfort in the fact that she was trying to fix what was inherently broken inside her. Even if it meant getting shot in the back.