in memorium, with love
I've been trying to figure out how to write this post since Saturday, which feels like yesterday and also like it was a year ago. Most of that "trying to figure it out" has been the familiar, comfortable avoidance of thinking about how to write this -- the meta, which is sometimes a retreat for me more than anything else -- because I wasn't ready
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I love you, and I am so, so grateful that this fandom - that bandom brought us together even in such an oblique sort of way, and I love how much you love, and how much you share and how fucking fearless you are sometimes (this post was fearless, do not ever think it wasn't) and I feel both relief and this intense guilt that I had mostly broken up with this band before they broke up with us, so my sadness is so different. Like nostalgia sadness, and sadness-by-proxy for all of you.
Bandom will ALWAYS be stranger than fiction - it's the RPF fandom that ate all other RPF fandoms, and it kind of broke me too - i was always mono-fannish, or at least bi-fannish. I always had just ONE fandom that ate my brain and owned my heart, and sometimes it would go south, or the canon would just... end (LOTRPS and *nsync, man), but then I would move on to another one. Another ONE. And bandom happened to me for nearly SIX YEARS - that was it, that was my fannish life for SIX YEARS - and when shit went down in 2010 and I had to back away for my own sanity, I thought I could replace it with a new fandom, with a single new thing.
Cut to three years later, and there is nothing in the world that has been able to fill that void, so I am juggling fandom after fandom, looking for it, for the thing that will replace bandom in my heart, and I just don't think it will ever happen. And I can't go back to the way it was - even with FOB back together, even with Panic making a new album - because you can't ever go back, not after a breakup like I had, but you can move past the breakup feelings and get to remembering the good things, the GREAT things, the things that made it all worthwhile, and it's good. It's hard, and heartbreaking, and but it's still good.
Ugh, anyway, this is all to say that you are amazing and your grieving is totally justified and real and right, and nothing will replace this thing that we loved so much, but we are here for each other and in the end we will remember how GOOD it all was, and that will be enough.
<3333333333
PS BECAUSE I AM AN ASSHOLE I ALMOST USED MY BOB BRYAR ICON.
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I am stupidly grateful to have you in my life, just so you know.
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