Will I be sorry? Sorry for my heart?
Maybe I don't understand what friendship is and or maybe I'm being to sensitive. Sometimes friends can really make you feel bad. Probably the imagination, the reality extension. Maybe because of imagination. Maybe because of distorted thinking. My thoughts have been distorted, but I think that is winding down. I'm glad I'm checking the facebook equivalent of "What's Happening" and meeting strange new people throughout town. I think the internet is the place for being a little drunk and a little inappropriate. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, pleeeese love me!!! Ahh. I can't wait to be a cou cou gael and take and destroy. People don't like it 'round here. Maybe they just need to be in a play. I am included in this "they" I mention. Are we not allowed to say what we feel? Day and night drifted into love. Oh whatever. The key is always to stop caring. And maybe see a therapist. I noticed that someone I knew blocked me and defriended me on things for a reason I can't ascertain. I'm sick of open-minded people being disgusted at people who they whisper are "crazy." I spent the night with a basement of 40-something gay men drinking and reading shakespeare. We are going to do it on the 12th night of every month (it was Twelfth Night, after all) and take tango lessons every tuesday. I feel safe and at home. I don't feel inadequate or judged. I think Luan has it right. I'll ask her how she does it but maybe she has no weaknesses because she's a Sagittarius. I want to make love to someone new, but only in a the future. Going back to the good old heart buddies is always good. I'm so excited that I remembered Colin lives in town. I feel tortured like a black trench coat with a high collar. I think Gordy might come into town and hang out. That sounds good. My lover is just a silent best friend extension. Not for making love, not for truly enriching, but for light comfort and for a place we both share. How can I make the bitterness go away? How can I appreciate and love? I kind of want to take ecstasy and have a magnetic stranger choke me. I had to miss a night of medication, thank god, and I dreamt of a place by the sunset where my father was taken as a sacrificial meal. The meat was curved over a wooden beam and glowed red in the sky. I had to hide the girl, I had to hide my baby and I did so by bridges in wisconsin, in air pressured golf ball balloon machines, with my father, in a closet, in an adddict world, colored crystal, with spells, on maps, with rings, cheating, with blonde female disguises, tall male service professionals disguises. Silence is not the way.