well
an update.
i am a big fat liar.. to myself.
i am broke, and i don't know what to do because if i get a job i won't get unemployment, but if i don't get a job and unemployment doesn't come in, i'm going to get evicted. i want that fucking free ride!
there were some wierd jobs on craigslist for photoshopping and an internship (that doesn't pay but may get me a job in the future) doing graphic crap, jobs in a print shop.. all nice ideas.. and some swanky bistro jobs also but i'm really sick of workin in kitchens. i could get a job so easily in any kitchen in montreal and iknow it. it would mean instantly stepping into old habits and also a lot of money without all the stress of learning new skills or being self-employed.. but i think that's not what i need.. i think i quit my bistro job to do something else.. what that is i have no idea and none of the binge-drinking/self-induced-coma-enhanced-meditative-soul-searching has helped at all with that. even the long bike ride to nowhere/clean air/ warm sun/ no baggage/free your mind treatment does not seem to work.
i washed dishes and i'm going to mop the floor today. clean some laundry, do boring shit because i can't afford to do anything else. i'll see ami, and we'll probably chain smoke and drink 99c old miwaukee's at her apartment and i'll complain that my life is going down the toilet. She will be sympathetic but at the same time secretly annoyed that i don't just go get a job, clean up my act, quit smoking and drinking, start doing what i always say i should do. even though she herself is broke, dislikes her own crap job, and smokes and drinks nearly as much as i do.
it's real easy to just get used to doing fuck all.. then you try to decide what to do next, but since everything you've done so far has been miserable and you probably can't do anything but what you already know, you don't want to try anything at all cuz it'll probably be just as miserable
could be that you'd thought the right path would be shown to you by FATE in an ultra-vivid dream sequence that comes on suddenly while picking the ripest avacados in the produce section.. maybe my highschool science teacher (who i hated) would appear to me in the horrible halloween costume he wore that year that made him look like an actual zombie, and he would say to me in a huge booming voice "paul you are a crap student and i never thought you'd amount to much, but you're meant to be a chemist. go open a fucking book"
and i would collapse in the aisle - the most delicious avocado that would ever have been eaten smooshed beneath me and onto my clothes.. a beautiful french woman would immediately rush to my aid and wipe the mess from my blazer.. in broken french i'd be charming and adorable..
okay this is stupid..
i would never wear a blazer.
anyway i guess what i'm trying to say is that i'm 26, and so far i've just been waiting for shit to happen.,..
what is good enough, what possible outcome could i imagine that would fulfill me? none.. maybe .. i have no imagination.. maybe i'm discouraged because looking at job listings made me realize that i'm really only qualified to be a cook unless i go back to school for something.. or get over my fear of graphic design and contract work/self employment.. or learn to speak french... another fear.. fear... fuck..
i am a big fat liar.. to myself.
i am broke, and i don't know what to do because if i get a job i won't get unemployment, but if i don't get a job and unemployment doesn't come in, i'm going to get evicted. i want that fucking free ride!
there were some wierd jobs on craigslist for photoshopping and an internship (that doesn't pay but may get me a job in the future) doing graphic crap, jobs in a print shop.. all nice ideas.. and some swanky bistro jobs also but i'm really sick of workin in kitchens. i could get a job so easily in any kitchen in montreal and iknow it. it would mean instantly stepping into old habits and also a lot of money without all the stress of learning new skills or being self-employed.. but i think that's not what i need.. i think i quit my bistro job to do something else.. what that is i have no idea and none of the binge-drinking/self-induced-coma-enhanced-meditative-soul-searching has helped at all with that. even the long bike ride to nowhere/clean air/ warm sun/ no baggage/free your mind treatment does not seem to work.
i washed dishes and i'm going to mop the floor today. clean some laundry, do boring shit because i can't afford to do anything else. i'll see ami, and we'll probably chain smoke and drink 99c old miwaukee's at her apartment and i'll complain that my life is going down the toilet. She will be sympathetic but at the same time secretly annoyed that i don't just go get a job, clean up my act, quit smoking and drinking, start doing what i always say i should do. even though she herself is broke, dislikes her own crap job, and smokes and drinks nearly as much as i do.
it's real easy to just get used to doing fuck all.. then you try to decide what to do next, but since everything you've done so far has been miserable and you probably can't do anything but what you already know, you don't want to try anything at all cuz it'll probably be just as miserable
could be that you'd thought the right path would be shown to you by FATE in an ultra-vivid dream sequence that comes on suddenly while picking the ripest avacados in the produce section.. maybe my highschool science teacher (who i hated) would appear to me in the horrible halloween costume he wore that year that made him look like an actual zombie, and he would say to me in a huge booming voice "paul you are a crap student and i never thought you'd amount to much, but you're meant to be a chemist. go open a fucking book"
and i would collapse in the aisle - the most delicious avocado that would ever have been eaten smooshed beneath me and onto my clothes.. a beautiful french woman would immediately rush to my aid and wipe the mess from my blazer.. in broken french i'd be charming and adorable..
okay this is stupid..
i would never wear a blazer.
anyway i guess what i'm trying to say is that i'm 26, and so far i've just been waiting for shit to happen.,..
what is good enough, what possible outcome could i imagine that would fulfill me? none.. maybe .. i have no imagination.. maybe i'm discouraged because looking at job listings made me realize that i'm really only qualified to be a cook unless i go back to school for something.. or get over my fear of graphic design and contract work/self employment.. or learn to speak french... another fear.. fear... fuck..