(no subject)
I just had a really great night!
Liz and I went to a punk/metal show at a house in DC. First of all I hadn't been to a show in about a year (since Kevin and I broke up), and also James' band was playing so I got to see him. I was so fucking anxious for like two hours because I have never really truly felt comfortable in the DC punk community, and I was just freaking out with fear of judgement. But then I talked to James for a bit. And then I went into that basement and let the sound penetrate my bones. And I closed my eyes and smiled. And I felt this meditative peace encompass me and I almost started laughing because I realize how silly I had been all those years, fearing these people. And I remembered why I fucking shows. Because it's the music, not the people, that moves and grooves me.
Also it was really cool/crazy to see Allie and Matt and Marcus and Luke. Like, it's been years at least for most of them. Since before I got sober. It was nice to talk to them without blurry eyes and a melted brain.
I fucking love being sober. Sometimes I think it would be easier to get fucked up so I can deal when my anxiety gets to be too much, but nights like tonight help me to see how amazing my life is/can be, sober. I pushed through my fears. I made it to the other side and I survived. May be it's silly to refer to sticking it out in social situations as survival, but I don't really think so. When I was a fucked up loser, I was a victim. But I survive and thrive now. I will live to tell the tale of my beautiful life.
FUCK! Life is awesome.
Liz and I went to a punk/metal show at a house in DC. First of all I hadn't been to a show in about a year (since Kevin and I broke up), and also James' band was playing so I got to see him. I was so fucking anxious for like two hours because I have never really truly felt comfortable in the DC punk community, and I was just freaking out with fear of judgement. But then I talked to James for a bit. And then I went into that basement and let the sound penetrate my bones. And I closed my eyes and smiled. And I felt this meditative peace encompass me and I almost started laughing because I realize how silly I had been all those years, fearing these people. And I remembered why I fucking shows. Because it's the music, not the people, that moves and grooves me.
Also it was really cool/crazy to see Allie and Matt and Marcus and Luke. Like, it's been years at least for most of them. Since before I got sober. It was nice to talk to them without blurry eyes and a melted brain.
I fucking love being sober. Sometimes I think it would be easier to get fucked up so I can deal when my anxiety gets to be too much, but nights like tonight help me to see how amazing my life is/can be, sober. I pushed through my fears. I made it to the other side and I survived. May be it's silly to refer to sticking it out in social situations as survival, but I don't really think so. When I was a fucked up loser, I was a victim. But I survive and thrive now. I will live to tell the tale of my beautiful life.
FUCK! Life is awesome.