(no subject)
weird stuff.
so after three grueling weeks of not being in school and only working minimally and therefore having my emotions on a fucking jet pack of woe, i finally got back into the studio. and shit. it feels so fucking good. like i was struggling a bit the first day, trying to figure out the direction my head is in and where i want to go in my art. then it was like a beautiful blood flood of creation. i'm set to work on five plates at once, all a part of this central idea of my "homeworld" or horizon of experience, basically my [in]sane thought process. but yea, i'm fucking stoked.
and also. my friend alex's mom died on tuesday. it's so fucking surreal. i was talking to her on last thursday about her trip to aruba a couple weeks ago. i've been over to his house the last two days, trying to be a friend, trying to listen, to hear him talk and cry, to just be there. it's so fucked up and sad.
also also i love west. so much. i have been going back and forth on if i really want to be in a relationship, especially because i have felt so emotionally unstable that i didn't think anyone would want to put up with it. but he is still here, being patient and wonderful and understanding and just awesome. i love him so much. the only times i really get scared and want to break things off now, are when i started dwelling in future "what if's". what if he stops being attracted to me. what if he finds someone way cooler than me. what if i am too much to deal with. what if he goes back out. what if i go back out. what if we get married and are together for 20 years and then he dies tragically and abruptly. what if i stop being attracted to him. whatever. i really to to be in the here and now.
i really need to do my fucking 2nd step. and read up on the 6th step, because i am leading a meeting on sunday about. also holy shit, i havent been to this meeting in like a year and a half.
weird stuff.
so after three grueling weeks of not being in school and only working minimally and therefore having my emotions on a fucking jet pack of woe, i finally got back into the studio. and shit. it feels so fucking good. like i was struggling a bit the first day, trying to figure out the direction my head is in and where i want to go in my art. then it was like a beautiful blood flood of creation. i'm set to work on five plates at once, all a part of this central idea of my "homeworld" or horizon of experience, basically my [in]sane thought process. but yea, i'm fucking stoked.
and also. my friend alex's mom died on tuesday. it's so fucking surreal. i was talking to her on last thursday about her trip to aruba a couple weeks ago. i've been over to his house the last two days, trying to be a friend, trying to listen, to hear him talk and cry, to just be there. it's so fucked up and sad.
also also i love west. so much. i have been going back and forth on if i really want to be in a relationship, especially because i have felt so emotionally unstable that i didn't think anyone would want to put up with it. but he is still here, being patient and wonderful and understanding and just awesome. i love him so much. the only times i really get scared and want to break things off now, are when i started dwelling in future "what if's". what if he stops being attracted to me. what if he finds someone way cooler than me. what if i am too much to deal with. what if he goes back out. what if i go back out. what if we get married and are together for 20 years and then he dies tragically and abruptly. what if i stop being attracted to him. whatever. i really to to be in the here and now.
i really need to do my fucking 2nd step. and read up on the 6th step, because i am leading a meeting on sunday about. also holy shit, i havent been to this meeting in like a year and a half.
weird stuff.