with 10 days left.... a look back.
So I'm sitting here in bed at like 1am, just finished reading a book (Beloved by Toni Morrison), as i've gotten into the habit of trying to read a little every day since about a month and change ago.... i have my music on. I sit here writing because I know I cannot sleep. The heavy bass from some kind of music or machine mixed with the high piercings of people screaming and laughing distract me.
Looking out my window, there's been some sort of campus party of sorts going out like right outside my dorm. Earlier there was a one of them huge moonwalk bouncy things and a slide.... now i see crowds of people out there I guess havin a good time at something I have no clue what it is. And I won't know what it is, because there is no reason for me to go out and see.
I guess with 10 days left, what i can sum up my study abroad experience is that it's been the most lonely experience of my life since grade school. While I envy all those with amazing abroad stories, I've been in this university a year and have not a single friend. I go about my daily routine as if not a single person existed... I wake up, check my email and such, eat my breakfast, shower, i'll attend my classes and rehearsals, i'll come back and eat or whatever, i'll play on my computer, or i'll read, or i'll do work, or i'll play my keyboard, and eventually I sleep. And right now there is a massive party going on outside and all I can think about is how i wish i could sleep.
What is it?, i wonder. I have always been friendly with my hallmates, i even threw them a thanksgiving, I've tried talkin with them here and there, in the beginning i'd occasionally eat with them. But no efforts were really made in return. In my choirs i have attended the socials, small talked with people, danced in the club around the people I had just met, tried my best to talk and introduce myself and be natural and fun, but that doesn't amount to anyone really knowing you. And classes, you only see them people for a few hours a week and there's little space to actually get to know your classmates. So that leaves me with nothing. And that's what i leave the university with, nothing. But a couple of papers I have to write by October.
I look back fondly only at the few times I was able to shine... being on stage in Fusion and able to dance and model a bit, singing with the choirs. Aside from that, I cannot wait to leave this place. From the moment I entered there was nothing for me here. From a few good times in the beginning, to a massive betrayal by false friends, to going thru a depression, to going home for break....
To coming back and at least having my Daniel.
My *ONLY* saving grace this entire year has been Dan.... had he not come into my life and had i not an escape 2 out of 7 days a week, I would have gone completely mad as a spoon; anyone who saw me in late November/early December knew i was almost already there (hence why i had to go home for christmas break to recuperate).... With Dan, I got to have a real life again. Be with someone who I could be myself around, who enjoyed my company and cared about me, who made me laugh and laughed with me, who gave me a home in Sandbach with a real family and real food and real places to go and real friends to see, and who became my best friend here and one of the best i've ever had.
So that is why since meeting Dan, he's what I write about. Because he's the only thing that makes me happy here. Otherwise, I'd write about the mundane routine I go through each and every day I'm here, of sitting alone killing time, of attending my commitments, of eating and sleeping and doing a lot of nothing. While I will miss him tremendously, and those days between the 6th-10th with him are going to be both hard and special, I need to be home. And back to my real life.
.... Has this experience been worth it? I'd say so, mostly because my relationship with Dan has been the happiest and most functional of my young life, and because I've seen some lovely things and sang some lovely songs and been inspired for my senior thesis. Importantly, I've also gained an incredible amount of love and appreciation for all things home.... for my friends who are beautiful, engaging, funny, welcoming, cheerful people without whom I find I really cannot survive without.... for Wesleyan (and even for back in Peddie), for being a true to spirit community, for accepting people as they are and always having a reliable network of people and places to turn to, for being a true to word "safe space".... for my family who are my world. And even though compared to the difference of how Uni. of York has been phenomenally painful and so I see Wesleyan thru that contrast, the Walkers have been phenomenally wonderful, and I see my family thru that similarity. When I'm in the Walker home and with the Walkers, I just think about how nice it feels to have a home. and how nothing in this world can replace "family". There will be no greater joy in this past half a year than to step out of my terminal and see my mom, my dad, and my brother and know I am home for good, and I will never have to feel the way I've felt here again.
As I sit here, 1:30 in the morning, my windows still trembling from whatever is going on outside, remarkably lonely and wishing whatever is going on outside would end. Selfish of me, I know, as were this Wesleyan and were I with my friends I'd be out at said event partying till dawn.... But this isn't Wesleyan, and these aren't my friends, and I just want to sleep.
That's it. There's really not much more I can say about the experience here. It's been..... interesting.
In short, University of York is a cold, cold place for me, a massive disappointment and a personal hell hole. But all of England is gorgeous and lovely and its people are generous and kind, and Daniel and his family truly are the best England has to offer, and it is to their credit I can look back at this place very fondly. The map of the UK in my heart is a green and dewy field with sunshine and sheep and warmth. There is a tiny blemish in a tiny spot around Heslington Village in York called the university, but everything else about this place is brilliant. Just a shame I had to spend the entirety of my time in a place that was like fitting a size 20 shoe on a size 9 foot. This has just not been it.
Right. Attempts at bedtime for me. or maybe just playing computer games until the trembling in my windows ceases.
Take care all,
and my love always.
-- Olga --
Looking out my window, there's been some sort of campus party of sorts going out like right outside my dorm. Earlier there was a one of them huge moonwalk bouncy things and a slide.... now i see crowds of people out there I guess havin a good time at something I have no clue what it is. And I won't know what it is, because there is no reason for me to go out and see.
I guess with 10 days left, what i can sum up my study abroad experience is that it's been the most lonely experience of my life since grade school. While I envy all those with amazing abroad stories, I've been in this university a year and have not a single friend. I go about my daily routine as if not a single person existed... I wake up, check my email and such, eat my breakfast, shower, i'll attend my classes and rehearsals, i'll come back and eat or whatever, i'll play on my computer, or i'll read, or i'll do work, or i'll play my keyboard, and eventually I sleep. And right now there is a massive party going on outside and all I can think about is how i wish i could sleep.
What is it?, i wonder. I have always been friendly with my hallmates, i even threw them a thanksgiving, I've tried talkin with them here and there, in the beginning i'd occasionally eat with them. But no efforts were really made in return. In my choirs i have attended the socials, small talked with people, danced in the club around the people I had just met, tried my best to talk and introduce myself and be natural and fun, but that doesn't amount to anyone really knowing you. And classes, you only see them people for a few hours a week and there's little space to actually get to know your classmates. So that leaves me with nothing. And that's what i leave the university with, nothing. But a couple of papers I have to write by October.
I look back fondly only at the few times I was able to shine... being on stage in Fusion and able to dance and model a bit, singing with the choirs. Aside from that, I cannot wait to leave this place. From the moment I entered there was nothing for me here. From a few good times in the beginning, to a massive betrayal by false friends, to going thru a depression, to going home for break....
To coming back and at least having my Daniel.
My *ONLY* saving grace this entire year has been Dan.... had he not come into my life and had i not an escape 2 out of 7 days a week, I would have gone completely mad as a spoon; anyone who saw me in late November/early December knew i was almost already there (hence why i had to go home for christmas break to recuperate).... With Dan, I got to have a real life again. Be with someone who I could be myself around, who enjoyed my company and cared about me, who made me laugh and laughed with me, who gave me a home in Sandbach with a real family and real food and real places to go and real friends to see, and who became my best friend here and one of the best i've ever had.
So that is why since meeting Dan, he's what I write about. Because he's the only thing that makes me happy here. Otherwise, I'd write about the mundane routine I go through each and every day I'm here, of sitting alone killing time, of attending my commitments, of eating and sleeping and doing a lot of nothing. While I will miss him tremendously, and those days between the 6th-10th with him are going to be both hard and special, I need to be home. And back to my real life.
.... Has this experience been worth it? I'd say so, mostly because my relationship with Dan has been the happiest and most functional of my young life, and because I've seen some lovely things and sang some lovely songs and been inspired for my senior thesis. Importantly, I've also gained an incredible amount of love and appreciation for all things home.... for my friends who are beautiful, engaging, funny, welcoming, cheerful people without whom I find I really cannot survive without.... for Wesleyan (and even for back in Peddie), for being a true to spirit community, for accepting people as they are and always having a reliable network of people and places to turn to, for being a true to word "safe space".... for my family who are my world. And even though compared to the difference of how Uni. of York has been phenomenally painful and so I see Wesleyan thru that contrast, the Walkers have been phenomenally wonderful, and I see my family thru that similarity. When I'm in the Walker home and with the Walkers, I just think about how nice it feels to have a home. and how nothing in this world can replace "family". There will be no greater joy in this past half a year than to step out of my terminal and see my mom, my dad, and my brother and know I am home for good, and I will never have to feel the way I've felt here again.
As I sit here, 1:30 in the morning, my windows still trembling from whatever is going on outside, remarkably lonely and wishing whatever is going on outside would end. Selfish of me, I know, as were this Wesleyan and were I with my friends I'd be out at said event partying till dawn.... But this isn't Wesleyan, and these aren't my friends, and I just want to sleep.
That's it. There's really not much more I can say about the experience here. It's been..... interesting.
In short, University of York is a cold, cold place for me, a massive disappointment and a personal hell hole. But all of England is gorgeous and lovely and its people are generous and kind, and Daniel and his family truly are the best England has to offer, and it is to their credit I can look back at this place very fondly. The map of the UK in my heart is a green and dewy field with sunshine and sheep and warmth. There is a tiny blemish in a tiny spot around Heslington Village in York called the university, but everything else about this place is brilliant. Just a shame I had to spend the entirety of my time in a place that was like fitting a size 20 shoe on a size 9 foot. This has just not been it.
Right. Attempts at bedtime for me. or maybe just playing computer games until the trembling in my windows ceases.
Take care all,
and my love always.
-- Olga --