Story
So today, I randomly came across a story I wrote a looooong time ago, but for some reason never published. I remember how upset, sad, confused, and hurt I was over the whole thing. It's nice to know that it's finally all in the past.
Gray Morning
By :Olga Tsyganova
“If there was nothing that I could say
Turned your back and you just walked away
Leaves me numb inside I think of you
Together is all I knew
We moved too fast but I had no signs
I would try to turn the hands of time
I look to you for a reason why
The love we had passed me by
And as the sun would set, you would rise
Fall from the sky into paradise
Is there no light in your heart for me
You've closed your eyes, you no longer see
There were no lies between me and you
You said nothing of what you knew
But there was still something in your eyes
Left me helpless and paralyzed
You could give a million reasons change the world and change the tides
Could not give me the secrets of your heart and of your mind
In the darkness that surrounds me now there is no peace of mind
Your careless words undo me, leave the thought of us behind
You could give a million reasons change the world and change the time
Could not give me the secrets of your heart and of your mind
In the darkness that surrounds you now there is no peace of mind
Your careless words undo me, leave the thought of us behind”
- No Ordinary Morning, Chicane
*****************************************************************************
Gray Morning
The early morning rain awakened her. It irritated her ears and penetrated her tired mind. She suddenly became aware of the heaviness in her body as minutes silently trickled by. As the young girl moved her arm, she could feel her blood, heavy as mercury, pound directly to her head. It seemed to hit her in several painful blows. She had managed to steer clear of hangovers in the past, but today's bad hours would remain inevitable.
As her eyes opened, she glanced at her surroundings. Having lost her glasses in the festivities of the prior evening, everything was mostly a gray blur. He, facing the other wall, was awake, and the girl could sense it. Yet she did not move. She found that she could never sleep well next to him, and thought it strange. He did not snore as far as she knew. There was nothing particularly vulgar or unsettling about his sleeping habits. In fact, only his “speaking habits” had ever alarmed her, but nothing of his personal routines bothered her in the least. Quickly, she categorized her problem as lack of habit. But the truth was, they had been together for months, and she spent many a weekend in his room. Lack of habit couldn't cut it.
The previous night, nonetheless, was still crystal clear in her mind. They’d had a few drinks with his friends, went dancing at the club, and came back to a passionate night in the privacy of his room. Falling asleep, she wanted to be wrapped up in his arms, and wished to feel his breath on her back so badly, but as usual, he faced the wall. “He’s worn out and he’s had much more to drink” she reasoned, and brushed it off. The bed was small, and it was all a matter of comfort, she thought. A twin sized mattress, she concluded at an earlier date, could comfortably hold him, his computer, and a few books. She somehow could never fit on it the rite way, and always felt like she was hanging off the corners.
Her mind running away with her, she lay there for another hour, thinking late thoughts. “Why had she come?” the girl thought, deliberating the vixen’s presence in the room last night, “She had caused enough trouble between us in the past, and the only reason we were still together was because he called back asking for forgiveness. I gave him that and understanding.” And indeed, that was the truth of it, the reality and pathetic weakness of her ways that she masked every day of her life. That was the kind of person she was... You could slit her throat, and with her last grasping breath, she’d apologize for bleeding on your shirt. Or perhaps that is a much too dramatic and critical way of putting it.
She would always forgive him, and since the other girl was a close amigo of his, the girl did her best not to complicate the situation with angry glances, rude remarks, or questioning. She was always polite, considerate and nothing short of democratic towards her and the entire situation. One cold, wet and snowy day, a few weeks earlier, she had even given her a ride from an a capella concert at the university - a peace offering of sorts. But when she saw her yesterday, the perpetrator was decked out in all her best. She had watched the couple out of the corner of her eye throughout the evening's events, throwing piercing glances directly at the girl. She seemed to have a rude comment for any remark the girl would make, and when the she outsider would get up to use the bathroom or answer a phone call, she didn’t waste any time, snuggling up on his bed and making physical contact wherever it was possible. The girl would die a little each time, but did her best to keep things in perspective, pulling on a smiley careless mask of someone that sees, hears and understands nothing. Yet deep within, she felt it all - the unsettled nervousness, a swift wave of panic, hurt at his carelessness. She felt insulted over and over when she would be inevitably forced to see the other girl and spend time with her. And yet, she put on her brave confident face and maintained the cool front. After all, she was only a senior, and if she ever wanted to fit in with these college kids, she’d have to learn to deal.
Yet this morning’s rain and the lack of sleep were in cahoots with the girl’s wrathful, pounding headache. They left her sleepless and wallowing in the issues of yesterday - unable to control her emotions. She was not still, although she did not realize it. Suddenly, he turned to her and laid his hand on her arm - she thought the hour of a calming word and peace was close at hand. Turning to him, she was enthusiastically expecting a reassuring word, or gesture that would end her daily morning worries. As joy was already rushing through her eyes, he smiled with those big, sparkling blue-gray eyes, and calmly spoke:
"I’m exhausted. My big test is tomorrow, and I haven't studied." A perplexed demeanor brushed across her face.
"This is going to sound bad, but, could you leave now?" And just like that, the girl’s gray morning turned into a bleak saddening nightmare. She had such a shocked look on her face, that he grabbed her shoulder saying "Please don't take that the wrong way, but my friends from home are coming to visit me tonight, and I have to study, and I need to sleep, so please understand." Before he even finished the girl was dressed and slipping out the door. She barely heard the words he said as he walked after her, trying to smooth things up. She barely even felt herself shake loose of his hand grabbing her shoulder. "Is this going to be another big thing?" was the last thing she heard him say. It was then that she briefly stopped and turned " No, it isn't." She whispered with rain and tears streaming down her face. He just turned around and walked away for he "did not know what else to say."
Cold silent tears fell from her eyes as she drove away from the University. They did not break up then and there, but it came some time later when his friend relayed that he had hooked up with “her” during their spring break in Florida. It hurt so badly to hear it for sure, even though she had known it all along. But it was that gray pale morning that had suddenly presented a clear picture to the girl for the first time. In her mind, she finally “got it.” They would never lye comfortably face to face. His arms and thoughts would be wrapped around her only when she was present on the weekends, and not finishing her senior year away from his campus. Finally, she understood that she, with her hopes, ambitions, and dreams would never fit on that bed as well as the wiry, bold college girl that lived right across the hall from him.
Gray Morning
By :Olga Tsyganova
“If there was nothing that I could say
Turned your back and you just walked away
Leaves me numb inside I think of you
Together is all I knew
We moved too fast but I had no signs
I would try to turn the hands of time
I look to you for a reason why
The love we had passed me by
And as the sun would set, you would rise
Fall from the sky into paradise
Is there no light in your heart for me
You've closed your eyes, you no longer see
There were no lies between me and you
You said nothing of what you knew
But there was still something in your eyes
Left me helpless and paralyzed
You could give a million reasons change the world and change the tides
Could not give me the secrets of your heart and of your mind
In the darkness that surrounds me now there is no peace of mind
Your careless words undo me, leave the thought of us behind
You could give a million reasons change the world and change the time
Could not give me the secrets of your heart and of your mind
In the darkness that surrounds you now there is no peace of mind
Your careless words undo me, leave the thought of us behind”
- No Ordinary Morning, Chicane
*****************************************************************************
Gray Morning
The early morning rain awakened her. It irritated her ears and penetrated her tired mind. She suddenly became aware of the heaviness in her body as minutes silently trickled by. As the young girl moved her arm, she could feel her blood, heavy as mercury, pound directly to her head. It seemed to hit her in several painful blows. She had managed to steer clear of hangovers in the past, but today's bad hours would remain inevitable.
As her eyes opened, she glanced at her surroundings. Having lost her glasses in the festivities of the prior evening, everything was mostly a gray blur. He, facing the other wall, was awake, and the girl could sense it. Yet she did not move. She found that she could never sleep well next to him, and thought it strange. He did not snore as far as she knew. There was nothing particularly vulgar or unsettling about his sleeping habits. In fact, only his “speaking habits” had ever alarmed her, but nothing of his personal routines bothered her in the least. Quickly, she categorized her problem as lack of habit. But the truth was, they had been together for months, and she spent many a weekend in his room. Lack of habit couldn't cut it.
The previous night, nonetheless, was still crystal clear in her mind. They’d had a few drinks with his friends, went dancing at the club, and came back to a passionate night in the privacy of his room. Falling asleep, she wanted to be wrapped up in his arms, and wished to feel his breath on her back so badly, but as usual, he faced the wall. “He’s worn out and he’s had much more to drink” she reasoned, and brushed it off. The bed was small, and it was all a matter of comfort, she thought. A twin sized mattress, she concluded at an earlier date, could comfortably hold him, his computer, and a few books. She somehow could never fit on it the rite way, and always felt like she was hanging off the corners.
Her mind running away with her, she lay there for another hour, thinking late thoughts. “Why had she come?” the girl thought, deliberating the vixen’s presence in the room last night, “She had caused enough trouble between us in the past, and the only reason we were still together was because he called back asking for forgiveness. I gave him that and understanding.” And indeed, that was the truth of it, the reality and pathetic weakness of her ways that she masked every day of her life. That was the kind of person she was... You could slit her throat, and with her last grasping breath, she’d apologize for bleeding on your shirt. Or perhaps that is a much too dramatic and critical way of putting it.
She would always forgive him, and since the other girl was a close amigo of his, the girl did her best not to complicate the situation with angry glances, rude remarks, or questioning. She was always polite, considerate and nothing short of democratic towards her and the entire situation. One cold, wet and snowy day, a few weeks earlier, she had even given her a ride from an a capella concert at the university - a peace offering of sorts. But when she saw her yesterday, the perpetrator was decked out in all her best. She had watched the couple out of the corner of her eye throughout the evening's events, throwing piercing glances directly at the girl. She seemed to have a rude comment for any remark the girl would make, and when the she outsider would get up to use the bathroom or answer a phone call, she didn’t waste any time, snuggling up on his bed and making physical contact wherever it was possible. The girl would die a little each time, but did her best to keep things in perspective, pulling on a smiley careless mask of someone that sees, hears and understands nothing. Yet deep within, she felt it all - the unsettled nervousness, a swift wave of panic, hurt at his carelessness. She felt insulted over and over when she would be inevitably forced to see the other girl and spend time with her. And yet, she put on her brave confident face and maintained the cool front. After all, she was only a senior, and if she ever wanted to fit in with these college kids, she’d have to learn to deal.
Yet this morning’s rain and the lack of sleep were in cahoots with the girl’s wrathful, pounding headache. They left her sleepless and wallowing in the issues of yesterday - unable to control her emotions. She was not still, although she did not realize it. Suddenly, he turned to her and laid his hand on her arm - she thought the hour of a calming word and peace was close at hand. Turning to him, she was enthusiastically expecting a reassuring word, or gesture that would end her daily morning worries. As joy was already rushing through her eyes, he smiled with those big, sparkling blue-gray eyes, and calmly spoke:
"I’m exhausted. My big test is tomorrow, and I haven't studied." A perplexed demeanor brushed across her face.
"This is going to sound bad, but, could you leave now?" And just like that, the girl’s gray morning turned into a bleak saddening nightmare. She had such a shocked look on her face, that he grabbed her shoulder saying "Please don't take that the wrong way, but my friends from home are coming to visit me tonight, and I have to study, and I need to sleep, so please understand." Before he even finished the girl was dressed and slipping out the door. She barely heard the words he said as he walked after her, trying to smooth things up. She barely even felt herself shake loose of his hand grabbing her shoulder. "Is this going to be another big thing?" was the last thing she heard him say. It was then that she briefly stopped and turned " No, it isn't." She whispered with rain and tears streaming down her face. He just turned around and walked away for he "did not know what else to say."
Cold silent tears fell from her eyes as she drove away from the University. They did not break up then and there, but it came some time later when his friend relayed that he had hooked up with “her” during their spring break in Florida. It hurt so badly to hear it for sure, even though she had known it all along. But it was that gray pale morning that had suddenly presented a clear picture to the girl for the first time. In her mind, she finally “got it.” They would never lye comfortably face to face. His arms and thoughts would be wrapped around her only when she was present on the weekends, and not finishing her senior year away from his campus. Finally, she understood that she, with her hopes, ambitions, and dreams would never fit on that bed as well as the wiry, bold college girl that lived right across the hall from him.