death by silence
i mean, it's the kind of silence that creates, quite literally, a dull roar right outside of your eardrums, which builds until you can hear the blood pumping and the brain mulling around new thoughts. it's an amazing phenomenon, but not one i particularly enjoy on nights when i need to sleep so that i can get to work by 8.
that, and i had a cup of coffee about 20 minutes ago. ah, shit.
on the upside, exactly one month!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (!!!!) until i return to land of cows, colleges, contentment. i've come to miss the commotion, unending, which actually helps my sleeping patterns in that i become used to smushing a pillow over my head. here, i listen to the neighbor's sprinklers, a distant barking dog, an apple that falls from the tree and hits the wooden shingles, thud, then rolls down to smack the pavement below my window. and sometimes, i hear what i think are footprints outside in the middle of the night, but it's really just a frequently visiting doe, who loves the old apples. at school, i hear the party animals who turn their basses up to 5 at 2 a.m. well, that was the ytterboe of last year. who knows what it will be like now....probably cahhhraaazy.
anyway, i've loved this summer in it's strange detachment from the real world. seriously, i can't believe i haven't done ANYTHING social since....i visited liv. ridiculous. i have, however *GASP* gone RUNNING about 4 times over the past week. that's more than i went all last year. trying to turn over a new leaf before i move out, because well, i won't have coach matson yelling in my ear forever.
so, new leaves at school? we'll see. i'm excited for the new roommates, the new dorm (not physically, but there will be different people than last year), people who've returned. and there's something about the weekends at school--a sort of carefree glow settles upon everything...half caused by the warm, drunk nights...and just being with so many people, some friends and some acquaintances, is something i've taken for granted. well, not anymore. because being a woman of solitude this summer has led me to turn over every relationship in my mind, carefully. it's true, some are worth putting time into--others, not so much. there's so much toxicity that comes with always wanting to be on top, and the time spent comparing to other people just isn't worth it. sometimes stolaf reminds me of high school in that way. because i think that no matter what, there will always be a girl, shy with braces, inside of me who wants to be friends with the pretty blonde people. ridiculous? yes. because if nothing else, college has 99.9% trumped those sentiments. instead, i've filled my time with the most interesting people, those who have led me to different belief systems and helped me to challenge and defend what i think. WOAH, novel idea. i'm grateful.
i just can't believe it's almost all over. i've spent my life preparing for college, and now it's flown by and i don't have another cushion of mediated "real-world"-ness, ever again. no matter what i do, DO NOT let me come back to casper for the year after graduation. i'm worried i may become comfortable, go work again in the law office, and dig myself a cushy yet unwanted little rut in there.
talking to mike p right now, which is a nice surprise. happy summer, it's hot as hell once again.
that, and i had a cup of coffee about 20 minutes ago. ah, shit.
on the upside, exactly one month!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (!!!!) until i return to land of cows, colleges, contentment. i've come to miss the commotion, unending, which actually helps my sleeping patterns in that i become used to smushing a pillow over my head. here, i listen to the neighbor's sprinklers, a distant barking dog, an apple that falls from the tree and hits the wooden shingles, thud, then rolls down to smack the pavement below my window. and sometimes, i hear what i think are footprints outside in the middle of the night, but it's really just a frequently visiting doe, who loves the old apples. at school, i hear the party animals who turn their basses up to 5 at 2 a.m. well, that was the ytterboe of last year. who knows what it will be like now....probably cahhhraaazy.
anyway, i've loved this summer in it's strange detachment from the real world. seriously, i can't believe i haven't done ANYTHING social since....i visited liv. ridiculous. i have, however *GASP* gone RUNNING about 4 times over the past week. that's more than i went all last year. trying to turn over a new leaf before i move out, because well, i won't have coach matson yelling in my ear forever.
so, new leaves at school? we'll see. i'm excited for the new roommates, the new dorm (not physically, but there will be different people than last year), people who've returned. and there's something about the weekends at school--a sort of carefree glow settles upon everything...half caused by the warm, drunk nights...and just being with so many people, some friends and some acquaintances, is something i've taken for granted. well, not anymore. because being a woman of solitude this summer has led me to turn over every relationship in my mind, carefully. it's true, some are worth putting time into--others, not so much. there's so much toxicity that comes with always wanting to be on top, and the time spent comparing to other people just isn't worth it. sometimes stolaf reminds me of high school in that way. because i think that no matter what, there will always be a girl, shy with braces, inside of me who wants to be friends with the pretty blonde people. ridiculous? yes. because if nothing else, college has 99.9% trumped those sentiments. instead, i've filled my time with the most interesting people, those who have led me to different belief systems and helped me to challenge and defend what i think. WOAH, novel idea. i'm grateful.
i just can't believe it's almost all over. i've spent my life preparing for college, and now it's flown by and i don't have another cushion of mediated "real-world"-ness, ever again. no matter what i do, DO NOT let me come back to casper for the year after graduation. i'm worried i may become comfortable, go work again in the law office, and dig myself a cushy yet unwanted little rut in there.
talking to mike p right now, which is a nice surprise. happy summer, it's hot as hell once again.