what is is, and cannot not be. what was was, and cannot not have been.
my goal is never to make people feel bad. when i go off on a ranting rampage, all i want is the pile of shit off my back. that's it. never to hurt anyone, or to unload guilt onto them. circumstances lead me to writing...whether on the computer or elsewhere...i apologize when it gets out of control. you must understand, a journal records inner thoughts. i know some aren't fun to read, but honesty is the best way to go. regardless...i never mean to cause hurt.
so, in contrast, an open love letter...take from it what you will:
no, i WILL get close. that is how it works...i love you, you mean so much to me. i want to help you, i want to stop you when you cry and to make everything better. it's an impossible task though, for one person to try and make everyone else happy...so my wish is for it to come from inside of you. and i have faith it will. you are an amazing person, and i count my blessings every day for our friendship. relationships, whether they are romantic or platonic, will always hit hard areas...but i never lose faith in the fact that they will be resurrected, and will come out stronger than before. simply put, i'm not going to give up on you. i'm proud of you and proud to call you one of my very best friends. when i get frustrated, it doesn't mean i hate you or don't want to deal with you...i, just like every human out there, hit my dark points. lately, i know i've been more down than up, but i'm determined to change that. shit happens...some days are just born ugly...etc. please, don't blame yourself. i know i can be hypocritical...some days i just want to seriously SMACK people who say "smile! why aren't you smiling?"...and i know you have days like that, too. i guess i just like seeing the sunshine more than anything else. and i laugh more with you than most people. anyway, lovely, i want you to know that things will look up. you are stronger than you know...just please, don't give up.
my love...don't worry...the communication lines were seriously blurred. i guess a lot of stuff happened i wish wouldn't have...i wish i would have reacted differently...and also, i guess some of my own issues came out on top of everything else. you know. all i want (for christmas..) is you. 100%. but i know you have a lot of other factors going on, and i can't have all of your time...which is okay. i want you to know that i'm completely supportive of you in your athletic endeavors and escapades with .... yeah. i would apologize for last night..but hey, i don't think i insulted your game too much. ;) i need to deal with him, though. because that hurt a bit. i don't know why...but it did. sometimes i find myself in this weird gray area of feeling childish and adult...last night was one of those times...and i think you know, this past week. part of it was jealousy...part of it was exhaustion...part of it was beverage choice...you know how it goes. i guess i need to deal with the fact that i have to share you now. please know that you mean so much to me...you've helped me out more than you know...and i'll be here for you.
i'm sorry for not being there for you. i hate how i can't find the time to simply stop by, chat, ask about your life instead of droning on about mine. i can extract time...and i will. you are my family here. you are such solid, wonderful girls. i appreciate you, even when i'm absent and rediculously self-centered. and i've missed you...more than you know.
i'm ready for the fog to clear and things to regain their balance. whatever that means, i just hope it's with you around.
and i appreciate you for being my foundation. always there to turn to when things go wrong, when things are hilarious, when things are intoxicated...especially. haha. i wish we were closer so i could see your silly smile and help you more with things. i'm happy you've found something in the midst of the undiscovery. :)
thank you. without you in my life...what a dull, empty existence it would be.
love,
Mags
PS. i'm looking at this poem given to me by my favorite teacher and one of my heros. it's by Father Payne (whoever that was/is..).
I am not who I was
I am not going to be who i was
going to be.
You changed all that.
You are not who you were.
You are not going to be who you
were going to be.
I changed all that.
What is is, and cannot not be.
What was was, and cannot not
have been.
So you see my friends, we are us.
Who are we going to be?
We are going to be who we never
could
Have been without each other.
so, in contrast, an open love letter...take from it what you will:
no, i WILL get close. that is how it works...i love you, you mean so much to me. i want to help you, i want to stop you when you cry and to make everything better. it's an impossible task though, for one person to try and make everyone else happy...so my wish is for it to come from inside of you. and i have faith it will. you are an amazing person, and i count my blessings every day for our friendship. relationships, whether they are romantic or platonic, will always hit hard areas...but i never lose faith in the fact that they will be resurrected, and will come out stronger than before. simply put, i'm not going to give up on you. i'm proud of you and proud to call you one of my very best friends. when i get frustrated, it doesn't mean i hate you or don't want to deal with you...i, just like every human out there, hit my dark points. lately, i know i've been more down than up, but i'm determined to change that. shit happens...some days are just born ugly...etc. please, don't blame yourself. i know i can be hypocritical...some days i just want to seriously SMACK people who say "smile! why aren't you smiling?"...and i know you have days like that, too. i guess i just like seeing the sunshine more than anything else. and i laugh more with you than most people. anyway, lovely, i want you to know that things will look up. you are stronger than you know...just please, don't give up.
my love...don't worry...the communication lines were seriously blurred. i guess a lot of stuff happened i wish wouldn't have...i wish i would have reacted differently...and also, i guess some of my own issues came out on top of everything else. you know. all i want (for christmas..) is you. 100%. but i know you have a lot of other factors going on, and i can't have all of your time...which is okay. i want you to know that i'm completely supportive of you in your athletic endeavors and escapades with .... yeah. i would apologize for last night..but hey, i don't think i insulted your game too much. ;) i need to deal with him, though. because that hurt a bit. i don't know why...but it did. sometimes i find myself in this weird gray area of feeling childish and adult...last night was one of those times...and i think you know, this past week. part of it was jealousy...part of it was exhaustion...part of it was beverage choice...you know how it goes. i guess i need to deal with the fact that i have to share you now. please know that you mean so much to me...you've helped me out more than you know...and i'll be here for you.
i'm sorry for not being there for you. i hate how i can't find the time to simply stop by, chat, ask about your life instead of droning on about mine. i can extract time...and i will. you are my family here. you are such solid, wonderful girls. i appreciate you, even when i'm absent and rediculously self-centered. and i've missed you...more than you know.
i'm ready for the fog to clear and things to regain their balance. whatever that means, i just hope it's with you around.
and i appreciate you for being my foundation. always there to turn to when things go wrong, when things are hilarious, when things are intoxicated...especially. haha. i wish we were closer so i could see your silly smile and help you more with things. i'm happy you've found something in the midst of the undiscovery. :)
thank you. without you in my life...what a dull, empty existence it would be.
love,
Mags
PS. i'm looking at this poem given to me by my favorite teacher and one of my heros. it's by Father Payne (whoever that was/is..).
I am not who I was
I am not going to be who i was
going to be.
You changed all that.
You are not who you were.
You are not going to be who you
were going to be.
I changed all that.
What is is, and cannot not be.
What was was, and cannot not
have been.
So you see my friends, we are us.
Who are we going to be?
We are going to be who we never
could
Have been without each other.